Thursday, June 29, 2006

Good days make me grin :)

Current mood: peaceful

Its one of those days.. and I needed it.. yesterday was the opposite in the morning.. yesterday I woke up and everything seemed to go wrong and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep...or cry. by the afternoon..I chilled out...I stopped getting so fluster about everything.. I'm learning to stop taking this shit so seriously.. its just a out of a million I could have..I don't want to be an irrisponsible child.. but I am one person... I can only accomplish so much in one day.....This morning...could have been another shitty morning, 1st thing at work I had unexpected corporate guests... Ran around like a maniac trying to straighten out everything, had the employees running around too... and we still didn't rate too well... oh well.. yah know.. I just didn't let it get to me.. everything in my day that could have made me angry, upset, or sad.. from work to writing an emotional message 20 minutes ago.. I still feel light, and above it all.. These days, I'm trying to focus on all that fills me with happiness... the kids I work with who make me laugh half the day, and the awesome single mom who is tougher than nails but with a heart of pure gold who I work with that gives me reason to smile and hold my head up high every day I talk to her. My hysterically sarcastic sister-in-law who makes me laugh out loud like a hyhena at my computer by her ridiculous comments (I miss you sarah!)... My kick ass doctor that doesn't make me feel stupid for crying when I hear Lennon's heartbeat every damn week, encourages me to be mentally and spiritually healthy as well as the physical, and answers my overly anxious questions like "will listening to loud music hurt his ears or make him deaf?" in silly ways but without making me feel stupid for even asking... My mom who traded mattresses with me so I can sleep better, puts up with my tears and joins me in my smiles, and has been an inspiration throughout my life, and especially now as we become more and more bonded by the journey of motherhood... My sisters who remind me not to take myself or life to seriously... My beautiful baby who is shy to have his picture taken, wiggles in time to good music, and tickles me from the inside.. fills me with hope for the future and gives me a reason to pray for a long and healthy life...I can't wait to see his face and hold him for the first time in my arms... My brother Joe who by what he has chosen with his life (his adopted girls and their mother) gives me hope for a partner for myself and a daddy for my child, no matter what his biological father chooses and is my HERO! And all my aquaintances in life and on myspace who give me acedotes, inspiration, and encouragement everyday on how to roll with the punches of life and be soft enough to feel joy and love and yet not be broken by the hard knocks...

prime examples: I am up for a promotion at would pay a bit better...lots more responsibility, lots more time, and lots more of a commute, but if I could save somemore money for my maternity leave that would rock... Even that way or the other, I am just realizing, I have no control over wether I get it or am passed by for it... If I get it "okay, cool" If not "okay, cool" either way, I'm not gonna let it move me from feeling calm, and at ease with where I am in life..

Same thing with the letter I just wrote to the person who knows exactly what I'm talking about... no matter what you do, what you choose, its okay, I will survive and I will live a life of uncommon joy and understanding...I know this. I spent so long in this relationship trying to control the outcome.. trying to tailor my words and my actions to help you be who I hoped you could be.. trying to watch my own every move so as to not trigger your behaviors... I can't live life wound up like a loaded gun, always on the edge waiting for the whole structure to collapse... Love sometimes means letting go of the outcome.. though I believe and always will believe that you could be so much better than you've been, I no longer am going to try and push you to be that.. live your own life, and I'm living mine......I can only be happy enough for me...your happiness is your own choice...

like I have heard and said so many times before... I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now... No matter what happens.... Life is good, life is an adventure, and life is just. All will be right in the end. I hope everyone else out there feels the peace that I feel in my life these days...

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way."

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