From 32,000 feet... OR "aren't we each a who?"

I try really hard to picture it differently... the Brown furry patches instead spread across the whole of this living breathing speck... sprinkles and splashes of imperfectly perfect blue green scattered about... No Patchwork... no flecks of white and flashes of cold silver... Wrinkles from the strain of trying to up heave her illness... or piles dumped there by an elephant flicking the dust of his shoulder... And then the haze thickens and for the time being it is hard to see clearly again...

All I know is that with each answer received the questions multiply. Maybe we cling to each other because we are so desperate to convince ourselves of our significance on this little ball of muck where it is so obvious that we are naught but some sort of freakishly mutated out of control virus... Significance to stoke our egos...even if it is simply in the eyes of another mite. Are the ant's lives more important to most of US just because it is quite probable that they “love” each other? Does it stay the 6 year old’s canvas hightop?

I kept picturing this huge foot coming down from the sky… as it would look for the bugs when I trek though a patch of damp mossy ground… It’s amazing how much trees look just like moss from this height….. It scares me and fascinates me… the possibilities for what it all means are terrifying… But if we see that we could be hurtling out of control talking to the great pachyderm in the sky… how can we not be terrified? And if we are terrified how can we function? Better yet, what is the function of a smudge on the tip of a bullet? So is it living to function? Or to fight against the external pressure to function… and if the bullet has already left the gun than what is the point of EITHER? ….. I ask myself “If you have to ask ‘what does it mean to truly live’ does it mean that whatever you are doing isn't it?” The paradox presents itself once more… the insanity of the juxtaposition of the sheer horror and unbelievable beauty of this world within and without us... If we recognize that we are a tiny part of a very small smudge on something so much larger than anything we can comprehend, how can we continue on with “normal” life? How can we see one without also seeing the other.... I believe the answer is that we can't... Either our eyes are both open. Or they are BOTH closed, and we are lost in our slumbers... living in our dreams.

Some days I wonder if I am still asleep... I've heard the alarm clock enough times that if I'm not awake yet I must be a pretty heavy sleeper... I sure hope I’m not… I’d hate to miss out on all the "living" I might do… The canned air is becoming harder to breathe… And the seat beneath me jolts me from my page for a moment… From two rows forward I watch the stream of golden drops collide with the silver hair of the woman in the seat just in front of me... saw the mama cringing and heard the baby coo... and then we all laugh. Because we've ALL been there.

-K Prue
Written November 8th in transit from CT to GA...

What else but Wish.

I wished a wish I knew,
the ends from the starts
ins from outs
and what's real in who's hearts

I wish, I wished I knew,
which ways to go
where each way leads
and what's for show

and I wish, I WISH, I knew
what means what to you
what he is thinking
fibs from truths

I wish and I wish
and I wish foolishly
that I wish I had wished
I had eyes then to see

and I wish I knew
and We've wished the wish so long
I wish I knew which wish is real
and which is fodder for a song.

- Kalee - 10-17-09

Websters Dictionary Version 2. AM

A definition: Alone (Noun)

my own hand and 2 AM
and pillows hold lots of tears

desperately trying not to become desperate
approaching lengthening years

when night falls I can hear it
a sadness that lingers near

is it raining there, cuz it's raining...
and it sure is raining here.

the fictions and the fantasies
the vividness so real

I wonder this I wonder that
I wonder how he feels...

and loneliness oh lonely
her face once just a song

but everyday (every night) I know her more
and she's beginning to stay too long

it's 2 AM... and I can't sleep.
I can only think in verse now

and I'll try to forget what I'd wanted to keep
but I can't remember how

rock me to sleep with a pillow and a hand
on my breast and on my head

so the dreams, all the dreams
of a patchwork heart

may descend upon my bed....

Politicks

I woke up this AM to a glass of Orange Juice pouring in my face.... Lennon, bless his heart, thought mommy needed a drink is all I can figure, and the resulting stickiness was pure accident. Nevertheless, I SCREAMED at him. For the next 5 minutes as I washed us both down and pulled off bed clothes I went on a tirade that left Lennon understandably upset... finally after a few moments of acting like a complete Asshole, and leaving Lennon whimpering, it occurred to me... He didn't do this on purpose.. he was likely just as half asleep when he did it as I was... In actuality it was my fault for leaving the glass by the bed in the first place, especially since I am keenly aware of his current need to do everything for himself.... SO I snapped myself out of it mid sentence and changed my attitude and tone. Within a minute I had cleaned up the bed, threw down another blanket, washed us both and calmed Lennon.... now he lays beside me dreaming once more... alas I am wide awake, not still brooding over the orange juice, but overwhelmed with thoughts and disgusted by how poorly I behaved.... I hope someday I am a better mom, and a better person... and that Lennon can count on me to keep a level head in such times.... I hope.

Sometimes I get really down on myself for my failures as a parent (and as a person)... especially when I see these super parent types.. you know the ones I mean... You will run into them from time to time on playgrounds or Parent networking sites.... The ones that appear on the surface to have the perfect mix of skills, love, energy, determination, patience, and respect... It's not that I wish the supers any ill... nor do I feel like I have any overwhelming jealousies of them (though maybe a bit)... but I can't help but wonder if they are really as amazing as I believe them (or they believe themselves) to be? Does anyone handle the million little situations that crop up throughout the day exactly as they probably should? I'm inclined to think not.... at least if other aspects of human behaviour are to be taken in to account....

My mother recently told me "If you stick around ANYWHERE long enough, you will see the drama"... and she is right... Even the most "accepting" "understanding" and "loving" of social groups has their politicks... I don't want to believe this to be the case, but I keep seeing it proven over and over... I have bounced around through so many different, well meaning and good intentioned, organizations and social situations... from the non denominational churches "cause jesus loves everyone..." (except those who question the senior church members or pastors).. to the hippie communes and cooperatives... to the groups of friends gathering for some fun, good food and grand conversations ... it seems everyone has an agenda, and no matter how righteous it appears on the surface, once you pick up the shovel its the same shit.....the very same "every man for himself" self serving attitudes... the same food chain of command... the same weak dominating the strong... the same scapegoats for hiccups... the same ostracizing if you break the code of conduct.. How very depressing that the few places that are supposed to made up of the people who are trying to "FIX" this shit... can't even rise above it in the simplest of our dealings.... how human we all are...

My dream above all else is to have a community of individuals working for the common good... playing for the common good... concerned for the greater good.... The older I get, the more it occurs to me that this scenario, as beautiful as it may be, just might be IMPOSSIBLE... I really hope not, because a girl needs something to hope for... something to dream of and to strive high towards... I really hope that I am wrong, and am missing some greater truth.. because after 30 years of nothing but, I am TIRED of the politicks.... and dreams like this die HARD. I so want to believe that given the chance there are a few souls out there who will do right..... Just imagine it.....

Fuck John Lennon for giving me unrealistic expectations.

Thin Ice

My little sister Addi, my son Lennon, and I were playing... I had drove the van out and parked it on the ice and now we were out of it... walking along the ice... Addi and Lennon each wandered off a bit in different directions.. I stayed back... suddenly I became aware that the ice under my feet was giving way...groaning and crackling like it could break at any moment. Carefully stepping, I headed for Lennon, calling out to Addi as I went.. 10 feet from him... I can still picture his little figure. The back of his Grey Hood and Jacket and his Red snow pants as he disappeared into the hole in the ice. Trying to run and calling out to Addi to grab him... As I ran the ice beneath my feet fell away, and suddenly I was in this huge gap of water... I had no sensation of the cold, all I could focus on was Lennon... 5 feet away, but beyond my reach, gasping, kicking, and crying. Trying to hold on and unable to grasp the ice... Addi, trying to reach him... getting to him just a second after he had disappeared into the icy water. Me, trying to maneuver my stiff, lumbering body to catch him as he was being swept down-current... then we were both starting to sink...I watched Lennon falling down into the murkiness... just below me....couldn't reach... everything getting darker... an icky green.... and then. I WOKE UP.

For the next hour I lay awake... trying to shake the feeling of the ground gving out beneath my feet, hugging the sleeping baby boy beside me. I can remind myself that it was just a dream... the mere reflections of my sub conscious mind.... but it doesn't help. I am not yet 30... but already there have been more times than I can count where I was painfully, keenly aware that this whole thing is out of control... that I am falling.... we are ALL falling... and that there is nothing I can do to stop it.... Childhood glimpses... and then since the moment I lay on that operating table, the responsibility of another life on my shoulders..and my world started spinning... faster and faster... I came home with my child and I was hurtling through the emptyness of space.... I lay on the couch dying of an illness last year and I was spinning faster yet... again in the hospital... drug induced coma... falling into the blackness.... So what the hell does this all mean?

I have these dreams... and they are becoming more frequent... Zombies chasing my family... Giant bears lurking in the woods just outside my home..... People I love falling just beyond my grasp... we ALL do right? I am not a bad person... I am quite sure that I have made my share of mistakes... I have hurt others and I have in turn been hurt ten-fold... I have moments of sadness, depression, stress, selfishness.... But all in all I feel healthier and more aware that it appears that many on this earth are....So I don't believe that this is solely a reflection of my own pain or health.... We are ALL CONNECTED... we ALL HAVE THESE DREAMS... maybe there is something sinister that we are ALL AWARE OF... even if it's just subconsciously....

This planet is giving out on us... and just like my van on the ice, we have been the catalyst behind the imbalance that will be our own undoing.... It scares me... it scares me how little many people seem to see outside of their own house... past their own eyelashes even... How long can we take this all for granted before it comes to a screeching halt? How long can you neglect your home before the ceiling caves in on you while you sleep? How long will those of us who still have a choice allow our neighbors to be slaves... and how many must be imprisoned before there is no one left to defend us when the shackles are fixed to our own ankles? I wish I knew how to wake all of my brothers and sisters... I wish I knew how to fix this all... I wish I could create a world that is stable beneath my son's feet... I wish that I wasn't so powerless in this icy water we are all sinking in... and I hope that anybody out there reading this... gets it.

Teaching... and Lessons.

Nights like this, the sleep that has carried my young son off eludes me and my mind races with the trials... triumphs and failures of the day... Tommorrow I face a challenge unlike any I've attempted... I have signed on to teach a writing class for local youth...and though I have less than 18 hours until I step foot in the classroom, I still haven't figured out what to say or do... I know what I want to convey... and, even though its been nearly a decade since I myself was in a "school", I know there are resources aplenty to pull from, as well as access to all the traditional tools of a teacher... But though I know what I want to convey.... I also know that it is not anything to be found in drilling formal terms, proper punctuation, and conjugated verbs.


So what DO I want to teach...

... the heart and soul that goes into writing.... the stability it provides in a world seemingly gone mad, the outlet for your thoughts.. the path it shows us to exploring the deep dark recesses of our own minds.... and the window into our conciousness for any who care to know.... I want to tell them that sometimes in life things do not go as we hope or plan, but that writing (and reading) can become a light for us... guiding us towards the lessons to be plucked from every bump and ditch in the road.....

I want to teach that a pen and paper is the only weapon we will ever need in the neverending human quest to be free... that in a world of gadgets, a pencil has at least twice the life of an ultra-super-dee-duper Lithium battery, and will never become obsolete. I want to teach that in a book we can experience many more lives than the one given us by our skins.... and that by writing we can share a small piece of our short time on this earth with those left in our wake. That the words we allow to spill forth from our pens can be a release from the power those ideas and words had over us. That sometimes when you can't find the right thing to say... you CAN find the right thing to write. That it is one of the few ways we can communicate with and understand our fellow man... in turn, reading and writing is the KEY to empathy for our fellow inhabitors of earth... and maybe, just maybe, empathy is the ONLY way change will ever be brought
about, and peace will ever manifest....

I want to teach that it is my sincerest belief that the writers of this world are the keepers of one of the last of the great human rights, and protectors of a freedom that hangs on by a thread.... along with the music seers and makers, the artists of form and of paint...of soil, of Wood, Steel, fabric, and fibers.... each in their own way, the "creators" of this world are truely the last pioneers left... I want to teach that, in the view from my window, if there is a "God" to be preached..than the gospel is in the very roots of every poem ever spoken... Every book ever wrote....every song hummed in our showers, and every color created on a palette...


So, how does one "teach" an understanding such as this? The best I can figure is that there is no form of planning that will work in this case.... So my "plan" is simply to show up.... and be prepared to shoot from the hip and speak from the heart. But just in case, does anyone know if there is a textbook on all of the truth of the universe that I haven't yet stumbled upon? I'm pretty sure it must exist...and I'm guessing it must be on that super high top shelf that I just can't reach yet.. right alongside that book about a foolproof method of being the perfect balance of loving parent and guiding beacon... of tenderness and strength, intelligence and intuition, beauty and individuality, all the while raising a perfectly happy, healthy, understanding, compassionate, and oh so perfectly sensible child! Fortunately I've never been good at accepting such foolish limitations as height...

WANT SOMETHING? :)

ARCHIVE


The first seven (7) people to respond to this blog post will get something made by me. (seven because its my favorite number)

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations so please read carefully :



1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. but I hope you will :)

2. What I create will be just for you, with love.

3. It'll be done this year (2009).

4. It will be something made in the real world and not something cyber.
It may be weird or beautiful. It might or might not be edible. I may
even create something totally unbelievable and surprise you at work, or sneak up on you in a dentist chair with a giant check just for you (but probably not)!!
Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something strange or quirky, but I promise
not to embarrass you in public ... well, no more so than usual. I also
reserve the right to do something fairly predictable and boring, but
with flair, fun, and love!



READY SET....

love...and love.

there are moments when I ask myself...
would I do this all over again?

become the womb to carry our joined souls...
uniting us once and for all in this little child that now runs about me...

and the simplest answer to this question is:
in a heartbeat.

I knew in those moments when I prayed for his seed to plant..
I knew in those moments when I saw how lost his eyes would become...

his slipping sanity... and his fractured spirit... his inability to trust...
to see my reality...OUR reality.
almost broken. but not quite.

and I knew... as I cried and made bargains with the universe...
that all I could hope for was to save a piece of his soul...
and whatever good could still be salvaged from a hardened heart...

I knew.

so does this make me selfless or the ultimate in selfish?
I still do not know the answer to that... and it may be that I will never know.

but I watch the sparkle in my son's eyes... and I see the same possibilities
I once saw in my lover's face...

the very same tenderness... innocence... intelligence.
but lacking in the sadness... the desperation... and fear.

his kind and gentle heart, untarnished by the years of torture,
mind unblemished by chemical...
his face untouched and unbruised by a father's hand...

and I can't help but be grateful that in spite of all I knew...
I still chose to walk this path.

It's been nearly three years since I walked out your door for the last
time.. this time refusing to turn back...
closing my ears to your pleas
for my help.. for my love..

and I still have not come close to closing the place in my heart I keep for you.
It's been three years since I decided that you were not accepting of that love.

I still watch sometimes... from afar... at the madness taking your life...
singing those songs tonight I realized that I still sing them to you...
and that I still mourn for all that you could have been...

I see you some nights in my dreams.. a part of my family... a father to our son.
I always kiss you tenderly. hug you tight, and promise you that I will never let him down.

and then I awake... to the tears on my pillow... and a piece of you beside me..

Why? .... a few thoughts....

Why?

why are we all so afraid of speaking what we know in our hearts to be the truth?

why are we so afraid to love ourselves.. much less another...

why are we afraid of our neighbors?

why do we shun others for crimes and outrages that we know... if we are honest with ourselves.. that we could be capable of in a different moment...

why do we laugh and gloat over others misfortunes while believing ourselves somehow more deserving and worthy of good fortune...

why do we recognize in our own lives the misery and injustices perpetuated upon our homes and our loved ones...

but when faced with the realities of a storm in another town we simply turn a blind eye... or comfort ourselves to sleep better in the night hours with the always effective "there is nothing I can do about it"?

why do we content ourselves with running on our hamster wheels?

always the push to work just a bit harder to put food in our families mouth... a roof over their heads...

why do we obey it.. the orders of another... the thoughts we are told to think through the words and faces on the screen... trusting as if they have done anything to earn it...

... eat the garbage they sell for our stomachs instead of learning the forgotten art of bringing forth our own food from the fertile soil all around?

why do we chase after the ever unattainable wants... never finding lasting happiness in any goal reached... only to move on to the next...

we have all we will ever need in our two good hands and solid sturdy legs... in the dirt beneath our soles... the sun behind the clouds of smog...

why do we swallow their medicines for every newly created disease? slather on their magic creams and ointments... swallow the empty rhetoric... making over and covering up the sources of our dis-ease...

instead of finding the roots... and pulling the weeds from our lifestyles...and finallly trusting in the perfectly designed miracles which are the human body.... and in the plants sprung of the same dust which we each came from and aim to return to...

Why do we accept a silent slavery... which eats away our years with the promise of easy street just a bit further down the road...

no longer allowing ourselves the luxury of experiencing our children growing... teaching them all our fathers and mothers taught us... and theirs before them...

believing that the system somehow knows better for our families... and can more effectively put our babies on the path to a life that is good and right....

what quality of life have we bought with such a heavy price...

why do we allow banks to come knocking on our doors throwing our children out into the streets when there is land aplenty in this world for everyone?

allow politicians to play their games with the lives of those we hold high... as a nation... as our sons and daughters

allow ourselves to believe that we do not share the same humanity as those on the other side of the earth... the same joys at holding a newly birthed child...

the same agony at our loss of love.. of life...

why do we seek to see the demons among our peers... instead of looking within our own hearts for whatever evil may be lurking there...

why do we treat other living creatures.. no matter how many legs they possess... as if they are objects... unable to feel the torture perpetrated upon them...

why do we demonize the ideals and pursuits of others... while believing our own thoughts and opinions to be the indisputable gospel truth...

why do we put our faith and hope for change behind a suit and a smile instead of searching inside ourselves for our own hero... our own leader...

why do we, who can see beyond our own noses, allow fear and paranoia to stop us from living our lives in the pursuit of a better world for tomorrow...

from speaking out against all of the wrongs of this culture.... of this world.

our voices were created to be heard... to be raised in times of danger...

what is it we fear?

death? someday she will come for us all....

prison? There is no greater prison than your own skin, if you so choose it to be your cell...

the loss of status? What honor is there that is greater than our own understanding that in our hearts we have strived in our lives, in our own way, in every way possible to create the ultimate existence...

the affections of friends... or family? Who is anyone else to decide the way for you? to put roadblocks of disappointment and discouragement in YOUR path...

the threat of hell... the promise of heaven? Each is here. now. within and without you... if you cannot recognize them here and now.. how will you know to see them after this life has passed....

or is it indifference? apathy?

we, as our children... and their children, will never see what paradise can be made from the rubble of a broken world... if as individuals we are not ready and willing to live for... to fight for... and eventually, to die..... for our freedom.



k.prue 02/15/2009

you are me... I am her... we are it... it is...

I am not trying

to be anything but me..

I knew her once... before this body found me...

knew the language she spoke... the melody in her heart

the answers to all of existence... the key to the every secret we seek

and I know that from the day I entered this world

thrust and pushed from that gentle warm embrace

in pain... naked... gasping for life... cut off from the womb of love itself

and In my terror

I lost her.

I lost the ability to speak...

suddenly in a world full of bounds and chains

surrounded by beings of a primitive way... clouded visions

and minds who could not hear nor understand my cries

I grew to understand the language of necessity

and as I spoke their words my understanding faded

the more I learned, the more I forgot all the things I had known

yet somehow

I remember it all...

some days buried so deep I'm sure it has gone

but somewhere inside the the truth, the story still resonates..

I know when I hear it now... in the words spoken by my fellows

fellow prisoners and guards, fellow lovers, fellow dreamers

fellow victims and killers, fellow keepers, fellow seekers...

little by little I relearn

all of that I once knew without question

when I'm not looking they arrive upon my threshold

the unplanned, yet welcome guest in a standing invitation

when I stop trying so hard to be whatever it is I've been trained to be

when I pause for a moment to take a breath

when a voice outside of my own body connects and my ears open for the moment to hear

listening quietly to hear the voices amongst the trees as the birds speak

when I sit by the ever changing river... watching how she dances and skips along...

no fear.. no self

no constant trying to grab at the walls

chasing after ghosts and the walking dead

no created wants running me in futile figure eights

no expectations on what I deserve for all my goodness

or self mutilation sprung from lists upon lists of Karmic debts I believe I may owe

forgiving myself

my humanity

and all those who offend my senses

seeing the lovely eyes in spite of the lame foot

and in that moment speaking from the universe within

learning more myself from the words on my lips than likely teaching the other

I knew her once

and I hear her voice call

every now and then in the songs drifting from the guitar

the lyrics pouring from some other heart through the speakers of the radio

the sister or brother, mother, father or friend

or from the stranger sitting on a bench beside me

yes, I hear her...

and though I no longer speak her native tongue

I am quite sure she hears me when I cry out with every particle of this dust

to tell me her name... where she is... and how I can find her again some day

a hopeful birthday...

Current mood: strong


a childish rhyme...



Birthday oh birthday you've come yet again

each time push me further from what I want to be: TEN



Too many years past days I'd play in the woods

building tree forts and skunk bombs for the kids in the hood



The ghosts in the graveyard getting closer each day

and I look in the mirror to find yet another hair's turned gray



The energy I once had to keep running till nightfall

the crisp clear sound of the peepers and each mother's call...



the memories bring sighs... disappointments...even tears

chasing away futile thoughts.. desperate that I could roll back these years



The comfort I find though as I sit here tonight

typing this poem by sleeping babe and night lights



Is the dreams of what someday may light up this place

the years upon years of crinkling laugh lines spread over my face...



here's hoping...

Homeschooling Made Illegal?!?!?! WTF!

Current mood:OUTRAGED!



Homeschooling Banned in California as State Turns Parents Into Criminals for Teaching Their Own Children



David Gutierrez

Natural News

September 23, 2008



A California appeals court has ruled that homeschooling of children is
illegal unless their parents have teaching credentials from the state.



“California is now on the path to being the only state to deny the vast
majority of homeschooling parents their fundamental right to teach
their own children at home,” said Michael Smith, president of the Home
School Legal Defense Association.



The court overturned a lower court’s finding that homeschooling did not constitute a violation of child welfare laws.



“California courts have held that … parents do not have a
constitutional right to homeschool their children,” Justice H. Walter
Croskey said.



The decision stunned parents of the state’s roughly 166,000
homeschooled children. While the court claimed that it was merely
clarifying an existing law and not making a new one, the decision
leaves the parents of homeschooled children at risk of arrest and
criminal prosecution.



“At first, there was a sense of, ‘No way,’ ” homeschool parent Loren
Mavromati said. “Then there was a little bit of fear. I think it has
moved now into indignation.”



Parents’ reasons for homeschooling their children range from religious
beliefs to dissatisfaction with the education received at public or
private schools. But according to the court, all California children
between the ages of 6 and 18 must attend either a full-time public or
private school or be taught by a tutor credentialed for their specific
grade level.



“A primary purpose of the educational system is to train school
children in good citizenship, patriotism and loyalty to the state and
the nation,” Croskey wrote.



California’s largest teachers union welcomed the decision as did the Children’s Law Center of Los Angeles.



According to the law center’s executive director, Leslie Heimov,
children should not be educated at home, because they need to be “in a
place daily where they would be observed by people who had a duty to
ensure their ongoing safety.”

how are you?

three little words... simple as language can be
the answer always is... not plain enough for me to see

keeper of the keys... my shackles and my cage
feeling the grave is chasing... getting faster as I age

My heart is not within me....rather running loose and free
and will grow with what I give him... tools to shape, what he will be

so many minutes failing... at providing what he needs
so few being his tender... she sows loving, beautiful seeds

In the dreams I know I've lost him... in room and in my sight
the damage life will deal him... my only failure, in this night

and somehow I know it's within me... to just. be. me.
but I'm not sure who she is...the live and dead,
my puzzle is the picture of my tree

always search, ever seeking... always stumble, never seeing
over ego and grandiose visions... of the color, of the beast
from which I must be fleeing

the flags are all around me... the warning screams over the waves...
but I just can not tell the difference.. which god kills and which god saves?

pennies rain upon us... while we watch them bathe in bills
and they laugh at truths they've told us... plain as day THE MONEY kills.

human intimacy reduced to lol... and singles ads to meet
the hugs, the laughs. they miss them now.. evidence all up the street

or is it? an illusion? just the white band.... upon the arm of the slaves
cause we've got lots in common... and where it counts, we are all knaves.

your breath is mine... or else it will be someday...
just as soon as his wind... carries it her way..



Friends, I'd love your real answer to these three simple words...

inside every cynic...

it is true what they say...
because sometimes in the early morning hours
when I lie awake
I can FEEL it happening...
slowly yet surely as watching the grass grow
on a hot summer day

Options become fewer every passing moment
these lives I've lived... this soul...
its purpose to EVOLVE
yet I am unsure how in this life...
big ideas and all the times I've fallen...

everywhere I look the noose is tightening
the possibilities of an acceptable life in
the eyes of the monster that is a general consensus
specifics more intensified...
can't help but feel it is all a lost cause...

what good is understanding if none will hear it?
and it simply becomes a way to feel worse and worse
about the state of the world about
cycling back to realize that perhaps my view
from this window is simply a reflection...

here it comes my friends terror
and that same ole urge to RUN
as fast and far as my 10 dollars will carry...
we could join up with some gypsys
Lennon and I
a flock of weirdos like I've always aspired for
and maybe just for a moment or two
I could live a life that is my tru-STOP!

here comes that voice again...
it'll never work
never happen
never understand
never recover
never
never
never
never
how about the little house?
the big garden?
nope
nope
never
never
the partner?
doesn't exist
never will
all the things I wanted to teach my boy?
they'll never let you get away with it...
there is only ONE version of it all to be taught
and guess what sweetheart...
YOURS ain't it...
there's only one place you're going....
have I told you about the nice soft walls?
.....
.....
.....
.....
...the only constant is change
and I do, but it never seems for the better
I look back and all I see is that yesterday
there were more possibilities than today
maybe I am wiser now...
or maybe I am JADED now?
experience is bullshit
I miss living by FEEL...
maybe I was naive... but I WAS REAL.

If only I hadn't...
If only they didn't...
If only I could've...
If only I could face forward fearless
If only it wasn't so hard to just BE ME.

I think it's true what they say...
inside every cynic is the crushed soul of an optimist
the stolen dreams of a aspiring revolutionary
and the shreds of a far too large heart.

7 Years... going on 10.

I WAS going to go through the looking glass today...

But detoured in reflections along the way.

Somewhere between the glass and the wall
I SCREAMED at you:
"Who will EVER love you again?"

Scars on your body...
covering
like some god-forsaken Leper...
SMOTHERING
as a sundae topping gone
horribly,
wildly,
wrong.

Damages, outside and in... Battered.
Bruised and bulging.
These years unkind...
and the baggage.


Are you still alive? Still in there somewhere?
Capable of trust...of Love...
any longer (If you ever were...)

Emotions clenched between
GRINDING TEETH...
not ready or yielding to
possibilities of opening.

Or the sunlight... It once was there.
Sparkling behind your eyes..
will it ever again...to rise?

-I HUGGED YOU-
with my mind... in the shower this afternoon
when I finally had found the energy
(and will) to leave the pseudo comfort
of my pajamas.

Pretending it is all okay
I tried to soothe you...
to see past the
UGLINESS
the
DEFORMITIES
tried to allow myself to caress
the flesh
with love and tenderness...
the way others had...
Once before.

Tried so hard not to cry
as my eyes
searched your body
for ANY familiarity.

Failing as the stream of
water on the porcelain floor
mingled with salty tears...

I looked and I looked,
but all I could see was
IMPERFECTIONS... upon
IMPERFECTIONS...upon
IMPERFECTIONS...
upon...

Afterwards,
I stood staring as my face
shattered..
lost in the cracks.

I heard it.
MY voice shouting:
"WHO WILL EVER LOVE YOU NOW!
HOLD YOU AGAIN?"
it was MY VOICE...

MINE.

only I did not recognize that face...
the sad girl...
nor the eyes that looked out....
I'm so sorry...


I was going to take a walk
through the looking glass today.

But I got caught up in reflections...

....somewhere along the way.



-K. Prue 1*19*09

Food For Thought :)

Current mood: rebellious

The decline of childhood diseases before vaccination :

There is a generally held concept that mass vaccine programs were largely responsible for control of former epidemic diseases, but with the probable exception of the polio vaccine, in most instances this was not the case. From 1911 to 1935 the 4 leading causes of death among those aged 1 to 14 years, covered by Metropolitan Life Insurance policies, were diphtheria, measles, scarlet fever and whooping cough.11

However, by 1945 the combined rates from these 4 diseases had declined by 95%, before mass vaccine program began in the United States .12 By far the greatest factors in the decline were better housing with less crowded conditions, better nutrition, and other public health, hygienic, and medical measures.

The conventional view is that adverse vaccine reactions are relatively uncommon. At variance with this are internationally recognized authorities such as Dr. Bernard Rimland. Also at variance are many parents whose children have developed medical complications following vaccines where no other cause was evident.

Time may prove that one of the basic flaws in American childhood vaccine programs is that it is increasingly compulsory and mandatory. Once considered the fountainhead of freedom, in the enforcement of vaccine programs, America has become one of the most stringent and arbitrary of all nations. Parents refusing to have their children vaccinated, often for religious reasons, are subject to charges of child abuse.

Public health officials contend that such compulsory measures are necessary for control of infectious diseases which, they maintain, would increase along with childhood death rates if the vaccine mandates were lifted. In my opinion, this argument does not bear up to scrutiny for the following reasons:

In 1979 Sweden banned the pertussis (whooping cough) vaccine, considering it both ineffective and dangerous. In spite of the banning, or perhaps because of it, Sweden maintains one of the lowest infant mortality rates in the world. In 1975 Japan raised the age of pertussis vaccine to 2 years of age, considering it dangerous in infancy. Since that time, sudden infant death syndrome (cot deaths) have largely disappeared in Japan.13

Other nations with either voluntary vaccine programs, such as England, or less stringently enforced programs have lower infant mortality rates than the US. With few exceptions, they have not had a return of deadly epidemics (with high mortality).


Full Article

a person is a person after all

current mood: discontent



All around me it's naught but INSANITY...
and your music makes me want to cry because I know I've felt that before...
I can't remember if it was this life or another... but I've been there
I quit cigarettes yet again...
and I sit here in the same place yet again...
and I write the same yearning thoughts in slightly different phrases
and nothing ever changes
for the
better
Insanity on the screens...and I recognize it all... but then I look down at my wrists and see the same shackles I once had only seen on those around me...
Sick to my stomach that the cage followed me when I left the hospital that day..
or maybe it was there all along...
Some small once still voice.. screaming out inside
We are here
We are here
WE ARE HERE!
But no one hears...
a person is a person after all.
Insanity is all around me
and your music makes me cry.

just wastin time before sleep comes a knockin...

Current mood: depressed


2008 what have you done?​​:​​

staye​d singl​e almos​t the whole​ year?​​​
nope. I stayed single the ENTIRE year :)

kisse​d someo​ne new?
nope


done somet​hing you'​​​ve regre​tted?​​​
uh....yeah drank milk with poop in it


lost someo​ne?​​​
yeah, my cousin Christine... didn't know her really since we were wee ones but it was still pretty sad to me...

cut class​?​​​
nope, but I cut some serious cheeses



were invol​ved with somet​hing you'​​​ll never​ forge​​t?​​
you could say that....



visit​ed a diffe​rent count​ry?​​​
does "hell" count lol


cooke​d a gross​ meal?​​​
yeah... first one that comes to mind is some nasty frozen chinese which I managed to over cook and burn.... throw in the complete lack of seasonings or salt and you have a feast fit for a hog's trough...


lost something important to you?
Yeah... a book of poems that was stolen out of my car along with my pocketbook.... and my kick ass moroccan wallet/cigarette case



got a gift you adore​?​​​
My life, woohoo! :) and a new camera too ;)



tripp​ed over a coffe​e table​?​​​
No, but this is a goal of mine in '09. <--- I'm gonna have to second this one Erika



dyed your hair?​​​
Nope


came close​ to losin​g your life?​​​
uh, senior or seniorita quiz master... II think we've already covered this one.



went to a party​?​​​
a couple I think

read a great​ book?​​​
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance, The education of little tree, and the poisonwood bible...... just a few that come to mind... my next tackle is the motorcycle diaries and a new gibran I happily stumbled upon at the goodwill last week


saw one of your favor​ite bands​/​​​artis​ts live?​​​
Finger 11.... thats it I think



2008:​​​ Frien​ds and Enemi​es

Did you meet any new frien​ds this year?​​​
Lots of them... Thanks hartford hospital lol :)




Did you disli​ke anyon​e?​​​
no one that I can think of... though I'm sure a few rubbed me the wrong way momentarily...




Did you grow apart​ from anyon​e?​​​
a few, and a little



Do you have any regre​ts when it comes​ to your frien​dship​s?​
yeah.



Did you have a cake?​​​
did I have A CAKE? or did I have cake? Cause I didn't have A CAKE... but I had LOTS of cake :)



Did you have a party​?​​​
sorta kinda I guess maybe when I got home in August




Did you get any prese​nts?​​​
again I think we've already covered this in previous questions... dumb bastardos






2008:​​​ All about​ YOU

Did you chang​e at all this year?​​​
completely and yet not at all...



Did you chang​e your style​?​​​
yeah I guess I finally grew some larger testicles in terms of wearing things that in the past I would have admired on others and wished I had the guts to wear.... my mother is LOVIN it lemme tell yah ;)



Did you get good grade​s?​​​
if I was grading myself I'd say I deserve a........ B...... minus even



Did you have a job?
not one that pays in green


Did you own a car?
yes I owned a giant pickle with wheels reminicent of those little fraggle toys from the 1980's Mickey D's "Happy" meals....


Did anyon​e close​ to you give birth​?​​​
My sister Sarah..


Did you move at all?
technically yes but in reality no



Did you go on any vacat​ions?​​​
ys I went on a loverly cruise to Timbuktu and along the way we stopped off in russia and waved to sarah palin




Would​ you chang​e anyth​ing about​ yours​elf now?
yesh.... yesh I would....I'd like to be 10 feet tall with orange skin and red polka dots on my ass.




2008:​​​ Wrap UP:

Was 2008 a good year?​​​
define "good"



Do you think​ 2009 will top 2008?​​​
umm.... it had better or by next new years I'll be dust in the wind... literally ;)


I confe​ss that in 2008 I...

[] kisse​d in the snow
[x]​ celeb​rated​ Hallo​ween
[x] moone​d someo​ne (yeah its tough not to in hospital johnnys, hahahe!)
[] went over the minut​es on your cell phone​
[]​ someo​ne quest​ioned​ your sexua​l orien​tatio​n
[ ] came out of the close​t
[ ] gotte​n pregn​ant
[ ] had an abort​ion
[x] done somet​hing you'​​​ve regre​tted

OTHER​

[x] paint​ed a pictu​re
[x] wrote​ a poem
[x] ran a mile (does biking count?)
[] shopp​ed at Holli​ster or Aberc​rombi​e and Fitch​
[X] poste​d a blog on MySpa​ce
[] visit​ed a forei​gn count​ry
[] cut in a line of waiti​ng peopl​e
[x] told someo​ne you were busy when you weren​'​​​t
[] parti​ed to celeb​rate the new year
[x] cooke​d a disas​trous​ meal
[] Lied about​ how old you were
[x] Prank​ calle​d someo​ne

In 2008 I...

[x] broke​ a promi​se... (lots to myself)
[]​ fell out of love
[] lied
[x] disap​point​ed someo​ne close​
[] hid a secre​t
[x] prete​nded to be happy​
[] slept​ under​ the stars​
[] kept your new years​ resol​ution​
[] forgo​t your new years​ resol​ution​
[x] met someo​ne who chang​ed your life
[]​ met one of your idols​
[X] chang​ed your outlo​ok on life
[x] sat home all day doing​ nothi​ng
[] prete​nded to be sick
[] left the count​ry
[x] almos​t died
[x] given​ up on somet​hing/​​​someo​ne impor​tant to you
[x] lost somet​hing expen​sive
[x] learn​ed somet​hing new about​ yours​elf
[x] tried​ somet​hing you norma​lly would​n'​​​t try and liked​ it
[X] made a chang​e in your life
[x] found​ out who your true frien​ds were
[x] met great​ peopl​e
[x] staye​d up til sunri​se
[x] cried​ over the silli​est thing​
[x] had frien​ds who were drift​ing away from you