Saturday, February 28, 2009

love...and love.

there are moments when I ask myself...
would I do this all over again?

become the womb to carry our joined souls...
uniting us once and for all in this little child that now runs about me...

and the simplest answer to this question is:
in a heartbeat.

I knew in those moments when I prayed for his seed to plant..
I knew in those moments when I saw how lost his eyes would become...

his slipping sanity... and his fractured spirit... his inability to trust...
to see my reality...OUR reality.
almost broken. but not quite.

and I knew... as I cried and made bargains with the universe...
that all I could hope for was to save a piece of his soul...
and whatever good could still be salvaged from a hardened heart...

I knew.

so does this make me selfless or the ultimate in selfish?
I still do not know the answer to that... and it may be that I will never know.

but I watch the sparkle in my son's eyes... and I see the same possibilities
I once saw in my lover's face...

the very same tenderness... innocence... intelligence.
but lacking in the sadness... the desperation... and fear.

his kind and gentle heart, untarnished by the years of torture,
mind unblemished by chemical...
his face untouched and unbruised by a father's hand...

and I can't help but be grateful that in spite of all I knew...
I still chose to walk this path.

It's been nearly three years since I walked out your door for the last
time.. this time refusing to turn back...
closing my ears to your pleas
for my help.. for my love..

and I still have not come close to closing the place in my heart I keep for you.
It's been three years since I decided that you were not accepting of that love.

I still watch sometimes... from afar... at the madness taking your life...
singing those songs tonight I realized that I still sing them to you...
and that I still mourn for all that you could have been...

I see you some nights in my dreams.. a part of my family... a father to our son.
I always kiss you tenderly. hug you tight, and promise you that I will never let him down.

and then I awake... to the tears on my pillow... and a piece of you beside me..

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Why? .... a few thoughts....


why are we all so afraid of speaking what we know in our hearts to be the truth?

why are we so afraid to love ourselves.. much less another...

why are we afraid of our neighbors?

why do we shun others for crimes and outrages that we know... if we are honest with ourselves.. that we could be capable of in a different moment...

why do we laugh and gloat over others misfortunes while believing ourselves somehow more deserving and worthy of good fortune...

why do we recognize in our own lives the misery and injustices perpetuated upon our homes and our loved ones...

but when faced with the realities of a storm in another town we simply turn a blind eye... or comfort ourselves to sleep better in the night hours with the always effective "there is nothing I can do about it"?

why do we content ourselves with running on our hamster wheels?

always the push to work just a bit harder to put food in our families mouth... a roof over their heads...

why do we obey it.. the orders of another... the thoughts we are told to think through the words and faces on the screen... trusting as if they have done anything to earn it...

... eat the garbage they sell for our stomachs instead of learning the forgotten art of bringing forth our own food from the fertile soil all around?

why do we chase after the ever unattainable wants... never finding lasting happiness in any goal reached... only to move on to the next...

we have all we will ever need in our two good hands and solid sturdy legs... in the dirt beneath our soles... the sun behind the clouds of smog...

why do we swallow their medicines for every newly created disease? slather on their magic creams and ointments... swallow the empty rhetoric... making over and covering up the sources of our dis-ease...

instead of finding the roots... and pulling the weeds from our lifestyles...and finallly trusting in the perfectly designed miracles which are the human body.... and in the plants sprung of the same dust which we each came from and aim to return to...

Why do we accept a silent slavery... which eats away our years with the promise of easy street just a bit further down the road...

no longer allowing ourselves the luxury of experiencing our children growing... teaching them all our fathers and mothers taught us... and theirs before them...

believing that the system somehow knows better for our families... and can more effectively put our babies on the path to a life that is good and right....

what quality of life have we bought with such a heavy price...

why do we allow banks to come knocking on our doors throwing our children out into the streets when there is land aplenty in this world for everyone?

allow politicians to play their games with the lives of those we hold high... as a nation... as our sons and daughters

allow ourselves to believe that we do not share the same humanity as those on the other side of the earth... the same joys at holding a newly birthed child...

the same agony at our loss of love.. of life...

why do we seek to see the demons among our peers... instead of looking within our own hearts for whatever evil may be lurking there...

why do we treat other living creatures.. no matter how many legs they possess... as if they are objects... unable to feel the torture perpetrated upon them...

why do we demonize the ideals and pursuits of others... while believing our own thoughts and opinions to be the indisputable gospel truth...

why do we put our faith and hope for change behind a suit and a smile instead of searching inside ourselves for our own hero... our own leader...

why do we, who can see beyond our own noses, allow fear and paranoia to stop us from living our lives in the pursuit of a better world for tomorrow...

from speaking out against all of the wrongs of this culture.... of this world.

our voices were created to be heard... to be raised in times of danger...

what is it we fear?

death? someday she will come for us all....

prison? There is no greater prison than your own skin, if you so choose it to be your cell...

the loss of status? What honor is there that is greater than our own understanding that in our hearts we have strived in our lives, in our own way, in every way possible to create the ultimate existence...

the affections of friends... or family? Who is anyone else to decide the way for you? to put roadblocks of disappointment and discouragement in YOUR path...

the threat of hell... the promise of heaven? Each is here. now. within and without you... if you cannot recognize them here and now.. how will you know to see them after this life has passed....

or is it indifference? apathy?

we, as our children... and their children, will never see what paradise can be made from the rubble of a broken world... if as individuals we are not ready and willing to live for... to fight for... and eventually, to die..... for our freedom.

k.prue 02/15/2009

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

you are me... I am her... we are it... it is...

I am not trying

to be anything but me..

I knew her once... before this body found me...

knew the language she spoke... the melody in her heart

the answers to all of existence... the key to the every secret we seek

and I know that from the day I entered this world

thrust and pushed from that gentle warm embrace

in pain... naked... gasping for life... cut off from the womb of love itself

and In my terror

I lost her.

I lost the ability to speak...

suddenly in a world full of bounds and chains

surrounded by beings of a primitive way... clouded visions

and minds who could not hear nor understand my cries

I grew to understand the language of necessity

and as I spoke their words my understanding faded

the more I learned, the more I forgot all the things I had known

yet somehow

I remember it all...

some days buried so deep I'm sure it has gone

but somewhere inside the the truth, the story still resonates..

I know when I hear it now... in the words spoken by my fellows

fellow prisoners and guards, fellow lovers, fellow dreamers

fellow victims and killers, fellow keepers, fellow seekers...

little by little I relearn

all of that I once knew without question

when I'm not looking they arrive upon my threshold

the unplanned, yet welcome guest in a standing invitation

when I stop trying so hard to be whatever it is I've been trained to be

when I pause for a moment to take a breath

when a voice outside of my own body connects and my ears open for the moment to hear

listening quietly to hear the voices amongst the trees as the birds speak

when I sit by the ever changing river... watching how she dances and skips along...

no fear.. no self

no constant trying to grab at the walls

chasing after ghosts and the walking dead

no created wants running me in futile figure eights

no expectations on what I deserve for all my goodness

or self mutilation sprung from lists upon lists of Karmic debts I believe I may owe

forgiving myself

my humanity

and all those who offend my senses

seeing the lovely eyes in spite of the lame foot

and in that moment speaking from the universe within

learning more myself from the words on my lips than likely teaching the other

I knew her once

and I hear her voice call

every now and then in the songs drifting from the guitar

the lyrics pouring from some other heart through the speakers of the radio

the sister or brother, mother, father or friend

or from the stranger sitting on a bench beside me

yes, I hear her...

and though I no longer speak her native tongue

I am quite sure she hears me when I cry out with every particle of this dust

to tell me her name... where she is... and how I can find her again some day

Sunday, February 8, 2009

a hopeful birthday...

Current mood: strong

a childish rhyme...

Birthday oh birthday you've come yet again

each time push me further from what I want to be: TEN

Too many years past days I'd play in the woods

building tree forts and skunk bombs for the kids in the hood

The ghosts in the graveyard getting closer each day

and I look in the mirror to find yet another hair's turned gray

The energy I once had to keep running till nightfall

the crisp clear sound of the peepers and each mother's call...

the memories bring sighs... disappointments...even tears

chasing away futile thoughts.. desperate that I could roll back these years

The comfort I find though as I sit here tonight

typing this poem by sleeping babe and night lights

Is the dreams of what someday may light up this place

the years upon years of crinkling laugh lines spread over my face...

here's hoping...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Homeschooling Made Illegal?!?!?! WTF!

Current mood:OUTRAGED!

Homeschooling Banned in California as State Turns Parents Into Criminals for Teaching Their Own Children

David Gutierrez

Natural News

September 23, 2008

A California appeals court has ruled that homeschooling of children is
illegal unless their parents have teaching credentials from the state.

“California is now on the path to being the only state to deny the vast
majority of homeschooling parents their fundamental right to teach
their own children at home,” said Michael Smith, president of the Home
School Legal Defense Association.

The court overturned a lower court’s finding that homeschooling did not constitute a violation of child welfare laws.

“California courts have held that … parents do not have a
constitutional right to homeschool their children,” Justice H. Walter
Croskey said.

The decision stunned parents of the state’s roughly 166,000
homeschooled children. While the court claimed that it was merely
clarifying an existing law and not making a new one, the decision
leaves the parents of homeschooled children at risk of arrest and
criminal prosecution.

“At first, there was a sense of, ‘No way,’ ” homeschool parent Loren
Mavromati said. “Then there was a little bit of fear. I think it has
moved now into indignation.”

Parents’ reasons for homeschooling their children range from religious
beliefs to dissatisfaction with the education received at public or
private schools. But according to the court, all California children
between the ages of 6 and 18 must attend either a full-time public or
private school or be taught by a tutor credentialed for their specific
grade level.

“A primary purpose of the educational system is to train school
children in good citizenship, patriotism and loyalty to the state and
the nation,” Croskey wrote.

California’s largest teachers union welcomed the decision as did the Children’s Law Center of Los Angeles.

According to the law center’s executive director, Leslie Heimov,
children should not be educated at home, because they need to be “in a
place daily where they would be observed by people who had a duty to
ensure their ongoing safety.”

Monday, February 2, 2009

how are you?

three little words... simple as language can be
the answer always is... not plain enough for me to see

keeper of the keys... my shackles and my cage
feeling the grave is chasing... getting faster as I age

My heart is not within me....rather running loose and free
and will grow with what I give him... tools to shape, what he will be

so many minutes failing... at providing what he needs
so few being his tender... she sows loving, beautiful seeds

In the dreams I know I've lost him... in room and in my sight
the damage life will deal him... my only failure, in this night

and somehow I know it's within me... to just. be. me.
but I'm not sure who she is...the live and dead,
my puzzle is the picture of my tree

always search, ever seeking... always stumble, never seeing
over ego and grandiose visions... of the color, of the beast
from which I must be fleeing

the flags are all around me... the warning screams over the waves...
but I just can not tell the difference.. which god kills and which god saves?

pennies rain upon us... while we watch them bathe in bills
and they laugh at truths they've told us... plain as day THE MONEY kills.

human intimacy reduced to lol... and singles ads to meet
the hugs, the laughs. they miss them now.. evidence all up the street

or is it? an illusion? just the white band.... upon the arm of the slaves
cause we've got lots in common... and where it counts, we are all knaves.

your breath is mine... or else it will be someday...
just as soon as his wind... carries it her way..

Friends, I'd love your real answer to these three simple words...