Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Your Ally

Current mood: sad

A Poem I wrote in October while driving through Arizona...


Life grows, glows, goes on by

Only choosing misery to se with your two eyes

Mind closing, shutting out the truth

Only believing what youve seen in the past, your proof

Giving only for ego, taking without seeing the damage done

Unable to accept this grain of joy, impossibilities are none

Your life will be exactly what you choose

No one can ever take that control from you

Believing we are destined to crash and burn

Directing our course to darker paths when at any point we could turn

Speaking over what you cant hear

Shutting out all that could make this so clear

Misery your best friend, the only ally you ever accepted

Loneliness your way of life, happiness left neglected

You arent doomed to fail, no one has condemned

If only you would understand

this doesnt have to end...

Currently listening:
By Coldplay
Release date: 07 June, 2005

Truth = Love

Current mood: crushed

a short poem...


Love is not blind in spite of what you've heard

Love is all seeing and in every truth in every word

Love will change you, it will make you or it will break you

But loves been misconstrued

Love has come to mean what it was never intended to

Monday, May 29, 2006

tired of "chit chat" GIVE ME SOMETHING REAL or shut up....

Current mood:Brutally honest

Lately I've just been feeling so antisocial... Its not that I think I am better than anyone else, or that I am a bitch or anything...and its not that I am pregnant and tired...Its just...I am so tired of all the pretending people do...Most of us in the world can count the amount of people who truly love us, and vise versa, on one hand...maybe two if we are really lucky...the rest....yeah you might enjoy their company from time to time...or maybe not even...or maybe they are a friend of a friend you feel obligated to talk to everytime you see them...I am just tired of mindless chitchat with people who don't know me (nor want to know me) anymore than I know them... WHy do we bother with the "I havn't seen you in sooooooo long!! *squeal* how are you!!! hows the kids...hows the house...hows the job....etc..etc..etc... its such bullshit...most of those people don't really give a shit about you when it comes down to it... anymore than you genuinely care about them.... I don't mean to be harsh but think about this.... Get a random aquaintance in your think about how you would feel if in 5 years you heard they had passed away.... be'd say "aww thats too bad...she was so young" or "wow, and she looked so healthy too", or " thats too bad, when did she die" and that'd be the extent of it...How many people would you actually cry and lose sleep over if they disappeared off of the face of the earth... Anyways...I feel like I am ranting...this is just something I have been thinking about... There are very very few people that actually matter in my life and they know without a doubt who they are...I can be nice...I can be polite, and if someone i know is standing in front of me i will gladly say "hello" , and if there is something of SUBSTANCE to talk about, than lets talk.....but I am so fed up with wasting my time (and theirs for that matter) "chit chatting" "BS-ing" and "shooting the breeze" with people who are irrelevant to my life..... If I am going to put the effort into verbally comunicating with another human being...why can't we talk about SOMETHING THAT MATTERS!!! for GODSAKE!! I don't care about the weather, or any other small talk....Its getting so bad that I have a hard time even pretending to care these days...I just assume walk away than be fake... Take it for what its worth...anyways, on that note..I wrote this poem last year at a memorial day party while observing the usual pretend "we're such good friends" bullshit dramatics going on all day.... Note to anyone who cares...IF YOU AIN'T GOT ANYTHING REAL TO TALK ABOUT TO ME...PLEASE DON'T WASTE YOUR (OR MY) TIME....SAY "HELLO" AND KEEP ON WALKING!


People mingle, exchange fleeting words

And unimportant lines of life

Same ole stuff just a different day

Same damn things still stand in your way


Float through life

Children crying, airplanes flying

Another man took a wife

Im still standing

Youre still breathing

Still floundering at our jobs

Your brothers still an alcoholic

My fathers still a slob

Meaning lies in hamburgers, chili, and at the bottom of your drink

Trying to forget the week that lies aheadmy appointment with my shrink

Bare feet trampling the green grass below

Segregated trios of friends exchanging the fakest hellos

Its been a long time and the honest truth is you didnt care, and neither did I

What is it about these party things that leads us all to polite lies

Do any of us really know another

Or just who we think they are

Are we known within the confines of our clothes

And recognized by car

Who got wed

Who split up

Whos dead?

Why does it matter to keep up on these words

Does it change MY life?

Is whats spoken even heard

Speak to me but this time Ill listen

With compassion for who you might be inside

Cant I know the real who you are

Lets all stop pretendingor say goodbye

Currently reading:
The Natural Pregnancy Book: Herbs, Nutrition and Other Holistic Choices
By Aviva Jill Romm
Release date: June, 2003

A sign

Current mood: relaxed

Reading through some poems written in the past year or two... I think I may post some over the next several days...the ones that have the messages that i feel to share right now. =) ENJOY.

A Sign

Are we all so blind

To the subtlety of signs

Looking nowhere but back

Looking at who has what we lack

Are we all such fools

Bound to our own rules

For what our lives should be

To who or what we flee

Are we really so careless

Less concerned with inner peace more with how to dress

All our attention now devoted

To what media and fashion has promoted

Are we all so far caught up

That corporate America has bought us

Conforming ourselves to the trends we identify

Unable to see beyond the overcast skies

Im trying so hard to break out of this

Trying to grasp all our minds might miss

Life is full of fear but I wont run no more

Faith keeps me hoping looking for my open doors

Currently reading:
Your Pregnancy Week by Week, Fifth Edition
By Glade B. Curtis
Release date: 06 January, 2004

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Ventura Highway

Current mood: hopeful

I miss Ventura ...I WILL go back there someday..I feel it in my heart.
Ventura Highway
by America
Chewing on a piece of grass
Walking down the road
Tell me, how long you gonna stay here, joe?
Some people say this town dont look good in snow
You dont care, I know

Ventura highway in the sunshine
Where the days are longer
The nights are stronger than moonshine
Youre gonna go I know

cause the free wind is blowin through your hair
And the days surround your daylight there
Seasons crying no despair
Alligator lizards in the air, in the air

Wishin on a falling star
Waitin for the early train
Sorry boy, but Ive been hit by purple rain
Aw, come on, joe, you can always
Change your name
Thanks a lot, son, just the same

Ventura highway in the sunshine
Where the days are longer
The nights are stronger than moonshine
Youre gonna go I know

cause the free wind is blowin through your hair
And the days surround your daylight there
Seasons crying no despair
Alligator lizards in the air, in the air

Currently listening:
By America
Release date: 09 May, 1995

Friday, May 26, 2006

Good questions....

Current mood: amused

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?"

Where's that extra penny going to? The government?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

(You just went and looked in your freezer, didn't you!)

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song, Bah Bah Black Sheep and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star song have the same tune?

(You just sang these songs didn't you!?)

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Why is it that we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Currently listening:
We Are Not Alone
By Breaking Benjamin
Release date: 29 June, 2004

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The words to my heart and mind...

Current mood: relaxed

We were talking-about the space between us all
And the people-who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth-then it's far too late-when they pass away.
We were talking-about the love we all could share-when we find it
To try our best to hold it there-with our love
With our love-we could save the world-if they only knew.
Try to realise it's all within yourself
No-one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small,
And life flows within you and without you.
We were talking-about the love that's gone so cold and the people,

Who gain the world and lose their soul-
They don't know-they can't see-are you one of them?
When you've seen beyond yourself-then you may find, peace of mind,
Is waiting there-
And the time will come when you see
we're all one, and life flows on within you and without you.

-The Beatles "Within you Without you"

Currently listening:
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
By The Beatles
Release date: 25 October, 1990

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Innie n outie =)

Current mood: grateful

Just wanted to share this: My belly button hurts!! =) Pregnancy causes the strangest happenings within a body... I think my innie may become an outie within this next week or two, but my hair is absoulutely amazing, and I have nails people pay 50 dollars in salons for!!FUN FUN FUN! =) Best of all is that wiggly fluttery feeling in my lower belly that gets a bit stronger every day, and the growing consiousness of another heart beating within me that is not just my own!! The most awesome craziness ever. ;) anyways... randomness but I had to share that! I am in such a good mood today, cause I woke up this morning and my first thought was my baby, and not someone that I want to forget about.... Have a great day everyone!

Currently listening:
Let It Be
By The Beatles
Release date: 25 October, 1990

Monday, May 22, 2006

I despise Liars

Current mood:Done... Have fun with the new one.

Just a random thought.. 20 obsessive phone calls everyday... "I miss you so much" and "I love you" and "forever yours"....Apparently these things mean nothing... Apparently you can ask someone to marry you, spend every waking moment with them, give your heart, your love, your body, and your womb to a man and he still won't get that you Love him and only him... Apparently all those things are so easily forgotten in the twisted mind of a paranoid addicted man... Apparently 4 weeks is more than enough for a heart to mend and for a man to once again be "In a relationship"... Apparently one cute brunette is just as good as another.... Apparently the year I devoted to another soul meant nothing... Apparently feeling your own child kick within the woman who loves you and holding a life that is sprung from your own the moment it is born into the world is not enough of a reason to seek help for yourself... Apparently the selfishness and pride run that deep... Apparently I need to come to terms with being a single parent... Apparently my tears have been in vain...Apparently my hope and my faith is wasted...Apparently..........

Currently listening:
By Phish
Release date: 02 February, 1993

Good Day

Current mood: calm

"Good Day"

I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge door wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mine's racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, just hotter.

The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
But still we laugh

I go back upstairs, turn off the TV
You say "I'll be okay baby, just wait and see."

It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay
Gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
Gonna okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be...

-JEWEL from the album "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland"

Currently listening:
Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
By Jewel
Release date: 02 May, 2006

Saturday, May 20, 2006

first time

Current mood: apathetic

I had never thought
We were hanging on
But the fall looks very far
Staring at the ground
What flesh will do to you
Will do to me too
Be free and on your own
It's not that simple
It's never that simple
It feels like the first time
That we'd fallen behind
And we faltered too far down
No one could save us
It feels like the first time
And we're standing above them
And no one can touch us
The worst is over
I could say to you
A bitter word or two
There's no stopping now
Just get it out in the air
Heard it through the fog
And hurt by it all
I'd take it back today
But it's out of my hands
Lost in the film again
All the signs were showing
Watching a single frame
When the wind begins
You're never anywhere
'Cause you're caught in my
weather every time
Feels like the first time
We'd fallen behind
No use is the other one to wait
But I can hold on
As sure as I'm strong
Get over the faithful yesterdays

-Scott Anderson -Finger 11

Currently listening:
Finger Eleven
By Finger Eleven
Release date: 17 June, 2003

Friday, May 19, 2006


Current mood: nostalgic

Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own

Tough, you think youve got the stuff
Youre telling me and anyone
Youre hard enough

You dont have to put up a fight
You dont have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You dont have to go it alone

And its you when I look in the mirror
And its you when I dont pick up the phone
Sometimes you cant make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I thats alright
Were the same soul
I dont need I dont need to hear you say
That if we werent so alike
Youd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You dont have to go it alone

And its you when I look in the mirror
And its you when I dont pick up the phone
Sometimes you cant make it on your own

I know that we dont talk
Im sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me when I -Sing
Youre the reason I sing
Youre the reason why the opera is in me

Where are we now?
Ive got to let you know
A house still doesnt make a home
Dont leave me here alone...

And its you when I look in the mirror
And its you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you cant make it on your own
Sometimes you cant make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you cant make it on your own

-Bono (U2)

Currently listening:
All That You Can't Leave Behind
By U2
Release date: 31 October, 2000

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Waiting for a day without tears

Current mood: melancholy

Everyday I feel a little stronger...Everyday I feel a little clearer... Everyday I know a little more that there is a ray of sun on the horizon...that this past year of turmoil has not been the end of the life I dreamed of having...but maybe is exactly the life I dreamed of only it doesn't look the way I thought it would... I try not to think about you, I try not to worry about all you could be doing to hurt your life, and hurt your mind even further... Every day I try to let go a little more to my attachment to a future with you, and yet keep hope for a future of happiness for us both...I try to remind myself that what I want is not always what is best...that maybe this'll all work out for the best. I wake up every morning after spending the night with you in my dreams... Sometimes I am angry, because my dreams reflected the misery of the you I had to run from...Sometimes I am sad because the you in my dreams needed help, and though I wanted to help so much there was nothing I could do to make you see the hand I was extending... Sometimes I wake up, and all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep...trying all the while not to lose the image of your beautiful face...the depth of your eyes... the brillant smile, the man I fell in love with....Just want to drift back to sleep where nothing clouds your eyes... no pictures between us... no family that means for all the best, no friends who just want to see happiness again where it had gone... just you and me...and we are happy. Somedays are so full of working towards my future, our baby and me...Shopping, moving boxes, cleaning, reading baby books... Somedays would be so hard were it not for the kind distractions of my sweet nephew, and my sister-in-law... The distraction of my mom, my dad, or my sister...breakfasts, dinners, and the days pass......Then theres days like today...when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to provide conversation to while away the time... when law and order episodes have gotten old, and the HGTV redecorating shows have nothing to hold my interest... The Myspace profile has been pimped to the pictures beg to be played with in photoshop....theres nothing good to eat in the fridge... My books all look the same, and all I can do is stare at the TV, not seeing....not hearing...trying not to think or feel...all I can do is try not to wonder where you are, what you are doing...wether you are alive or dead...wether you are making your world better or worse...wether you are one day closer to taking the steps you need to take for a life with me and our child... or wether you are one day closer to forgeting all we could have had, all we have been and me becoming just another name to hate and face to blame in your mind when your unhappiness comes to its climax... I don't want to care anymore...I don't want to worry about you, don't want to hope, or hold onto these stupid dreams of a life we will never have... I want to stop being such a child demanding of God what I want and just LET YOU GO. But mostly these days.........I am just waiting.....waiting for my brothers to finish a bedroom so I can have a place to call my own for the first time in a year...waiting for a job that inspires me to fall from the sky.....waiting for the birth of my baby...our baby...waiting for some clarity from above...waiting for you.... and most of all waiting for a day without tears.....

Currently listening:
By Coldplay
Release date: 07 June, 2005

why can't life be like the movies???

Current mood: confused

Just watched a movie that inspired and saddened me all at once...Why can't life be more like the movies least so long as we knew what genre we are in we would know the general premisis of the ending....Wether good will triumph over evil...Love will win over everything... or wether we will end up being taken from behind... a bloody end, or to be continued... Or maybe life is slapstick....just a joke...A Jim Carrey movie that most people fail to see the humor in... Anyways, I am rambling...But i wish that my life's ending might turn out in someway reminicent of the supporting character in the wonderful movie I just watched again for the first time in a few years...Or I at least wish that someone could guarentee me a smile on my face as I pass on someday, and that all the tears will not have been in vain.

Currently watching:
A Beautiful Mind
Release date: 16 December, 2003

Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Mad World

Current mood: blah

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Enlargen your world

Mad World

-Tears for Fears as covered by Gary Jules