Monday, January 30, 2006

Wisdom of a dream

Current mood: loved

Wisdom of a dream

You give your EYES away with FEAR.

When what I AM composite of could be seen so clear

Denying myself and running from Love

Standing in shadows of Light from above

Giving away my perspective, my sight

One drop at a time, and the day becomes night

At the center, at the core lies the window to life

The words that I want are the very same I fight

To SEE. To HEAR. To step through this door

To shed the skin of all I've been...

....and become the TRUTH once more.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Its never what you think...

Current mood: content

looking at the world
through cheap gas station sunglasses
at people as pawns in your game of chess
pasteing flaws of your conception or choices
on the faces who know you best
theorys of conspiracys
glimpses of hipocracy
analyzing inconsistency
in a pool of fear is where you lie
its never what you think
but feel
to find what truth is what is real
for all I could have shown you
for everything you think you see
for times we could have pulled through
for the nest of the birds of space and time
for the depths of this sea that is me
mockery your way not mine
the patronizing voice with which
you spoke in riddles
for an excuse not to stay
but still I can't hate you...
bitterness is not my way
I could not create a better you
but hope I you'll make yourself
not a statue of mind and pride
but alive
and find freedom
some sweet day

Thursday, January 12, 2006


Current mood: moody

It is so amazingly beautiful outside...I wish the sky was always so blue, and the birds chirping such sweet sweet sounds.... If the sun was always shining I don't think I could ever feel any sadness or pain again... Or maybe I just wish that what I am seeing on the outside of my house today...was a reflection of my heart...... The rainy days just seem to fit better these days.... Oh well, life goes on.... Think I'll take a walk in hopes that some of the sunshine might rub off...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Current mood: indescribable

Do you ever feel like you want to explode? Explode out of yourself with the force of all the energy within and without you? Like you want to burst out of all of the molds you been forced in, all the masks that have been put on you by yourself and everyone around you? Explode into the infinite directions in the space around you...let every particle of who you are, what you think, what you feel, what you see and hear fly out into the world...SO that everyone who "knows" you, everyone who "loves" you, "hates" you, or whatever else they feel about you based on who they believe you to be would suddenly know..suddenly understand who you are without a doubt... I wish I could...I wish I could trancend the limits of this body... This prison of flesh and bone that is not "me"...wish the real me would just come across so clear to anyone I meet with no effort to show or prove anything on my part...Wish I could speak the millions of thoughts...half thoughts...millithoughts... WIsh I could paint pictures of how I feel that would transfer to the eyes of others with no distortions... Wish I could sing out with a voice so clear and pure that anyone who heard it would know my heart in an instant. Wish that when I spoke, what I said was understood as exactly what I meant... Wish I could show everyone who matters everything I have seen and experienced. Wish I could see what they see too.... I wish everyone could explode, everyone could be understood as exactly what and who they are... I wish I had no misconceptions, no delusions, no illusions about anything or anyone. I wish I could live, breathe, eat, sleep, touch, speak, feel, and hear truth.....Truth and only truth... I am so tired of all of the lies of humanity, consious and sub consious... so tired of the lies we tell others, tell ourselves... So tired of seeing so many people that not only tell themselves lies, but are so numb to truth that they actually believe the lies... The lies of existance..The lies of society, of cultural conditioning. The lies of the world about who they are, or who they should be... the lies of their minds about who everyone else is or should be. I don't want to believe the lies own, or anyone elses.. I crave...I desire...I need...I want...Only TRUTH.

I am me...not what I think I am, or what anyone else thinks I am... I just am... someday I hope to meet at least one person on this earth who will truely see me, truely understand me, and truely love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be wether good or bad, not for who they think I am or am not. Just for who I AM. I want no more illusions clouding my eyes from seeing myself or any other. I want no more projections or masks clouding my face from really being seen by another. I want to explode into the world...into space..into all of creation.... and show every living being that has ever existed .. I AM.


Current mood: creative


Don’t accept any easy answers

Dig deeper to see the truth that caught your eye

Don’t settle for a fleeting glimpse

When the infinite stands before your closing eyes

Complaining of darkness in the world and in life

When light is calling out your name

Put your finger on the cause behind

What you play like a game

But drowning in the lies is so much easier

And shutting out the skies is so much easier

Accepting what they say is such a shelter

From looking down inside your very nature

In mathematics and religion you’ll find a shadow

A box to effectively hide a larger answer

And all that seeks to keep that which you’re after

Come journey on this side to find

What makes dreams to come make sense

Saying they’ve found the way

Is false truth they’ll try to sell you

It’s not in books or self help tapes

The change is within you

It’s nothing you’ll buy with money

Nor a weeklong retreat from life

The cure is in those inner resources

Left untapped until we die

Peace comes at a cost that is bought

With faith and trust and love

Peace is not an external environment

In comes from within and above

We try so hard to pinpoint and define

Something which eludes our words

And neatly package up the divine

To disperse amongst the herds

We follow the masses of lemmings

Plunging to our deaths in the sea

Holding on tightly to knickknack ideas

That keep us from all we could be

We hear these words but do not understand

Until we are broken to let them in

Won’t open the gate until it’s too late

If we remain in this box that they’ll put us in

Freedom is not knowledge

Or won in debates with a genius IQ

It’s not in the city you live or the lives you wager

It’s a verb and it lies in you

We create material instruments

To mimic the human voice

But the beauty and quality of a heart sung out

Is the most expensive choice

Who told you that you couldn’t sing

What was right, what was wrong

Who criticized the feelings

You felt to bring into your song

But cursing at the skies is so much easier

And falling for the lies is so much easier

Than finding ways to love your brother or neighbor

We waste away the days cowering on the floor

They’ll try to hold you down but baby your heart can float

To every man overboard, Love sends a lifeboat

My hand is extended out in these thoughts I wrote

Let me help you down from there

You are perched upon a fence

I wish you’d let me feed you

what you really hunger for

I wish you’d let me satisfy

An ecstasy that’s so much more

I can show you pleasure more intense

Than any you’d give yourself

We could lead a life that’s worth far more

Than any you could purchase with a world of wealth

We could analyze and read stars in the sky

But never have the trust

If the cracks aren’t shattered open

Lies will be the undoing of us

Why can’t we be the destiny

That’s called to us each and all

Why can’t we hear what’s singing out

To catch us from our fall

Open up your mouth

Let it all come pouring out loud

Fall to your knees in the vastness of land

And beg to be less proud

Be scattered out be broken

Shed tears you’ve never known

Admit you still know nothing

For if you ask it will be shown

The start of the journey, the door

Lies at this time and on this day

Set down the maps and look above

Crying out for love to show the way

But staying in your house is so much easier

And never reaching out is so much easier

And never singing out is normal life here

Staying in this realm is staying bound by fear

And leaving peace and freedom in the cages

Is done by restricting lives with declarations

And standing behind lies defend our nations

Let the walls crash down between brother and sister

Let us all dance

Time is an illusion

Buying is an illusion

Crime is an illusion

Blind is an illusion

Crying is an illusion

Fear is an illusion

Queer is an illusion

To hear is your illusion

Here is an illusion

Your tears are an illusion

This song is an illusion

Wrong is an illusion

A bong is an illusion

A bomb is an illusion

Your drama is an illusion

And Love is the conclusion

Hope is the conclusion

True faith is a conclusion

Outer peace just a delusion

Pride is an intrusion

Trinity is the infusion

But Love is the conclusion

---written May 2005-----

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


Current mood: content


Observe the desperation of the loneliest of folk

None to share their joys or tears

None with whom to pass the fleeting years

What makes them so? What was passed over…

Who do they long for?

Are their hearts now bittered…Where did the time go?

Seems like but a day

Now so many years have come and

Quickly gone away

Do they ever find comfort

For the ache deep within?

Do they ever feel regret

Remorse for who they might have been

How does one know

If their destiny is to be alone

How can a body cope

With the awareness of lonely nights to come

I’m not afraid to be alone..

At least I don’t think I am

But I’d love a friend to grow old with

If its written into this plan

Observe the desperation of a lonely heart

Kept company by self

Placeing all thats meant to give to another

To collect years of dust on a shelf…


Current mood: content


Please let me in

And I will never push you down

Trudging through the mud

When we could stroll on solid ground

I don’t know any better than you

How to rise above the pettiness of the world

I’ve never attempted to relate on this level

And not lose my own self worth

But I believe you and I could make it

As far as needed on this road ahead

I have faith that we could walk in truth

Separate but intertwined transcending the living dead

I know how afraid you are

Cause it lingers sometimes in my mind like yours

But I’m not going to push you away

With each new unearthed scar

I’m not going to turn on you

To defend my ego or pride

And I don’t want to force feed you

Truth as seen through my eyes

I have confidence that if you are open to it

You’ll discover all for yourself

I just want to grow with you

And have depth that with others we have never known

I think you and I might have a bond

That is rarely stumbled upon

We might teach each other things about life

That on our own we’d never have found

But here we go dragging through the mud

When we could stroll side by side

On solid ground

~~~~~~~Written in June 05~~~~~~~

Monday, January 9, 2006


Current mood: determined

DO you honestly believe that
the games will win me back?
Do you think you can speak or swing first
And then try to retract?
If you never saw the difference between
My truth and absurdity...
You never deserved the love I shared
And I knew it but gave IT anyway
I'm moving forward baby, I've let you go...
Though it hurts to walk away
I pray you will too, but it's beyond my control
what you choose to do with your day...
Bitterness and Blame:Your way.
You've been educated to become:Your Father.
But Strength and Love still lurks within to be found
If you ever care to bother............. try and find what gives you worth;
drop your walls and find your way home.....

With Compassion and Hope FOREVER,


Current mood:On the threshold of a transformation

So I am sitting here at Amies...and i am wondering how somebody suddenly becomes the very thing they had just felt so strongely a week ago about not being. How does somebody so easily betray the very person they claimed incorrectly was betraying them..... Are you lonely??? How can you get so angry about a friend of yours calling me inappropriately and then turn around and do the same does one so quickly become a slimebag just like his friends??? How does someone who has very few real relationships in their life feel justified in knocking someone who does have support and love into the ground??? Is it jealousy? Is it envy for the stability and intelligence that another was raised with? I know that not everyone in this world is born into a loving supportive environment...I know that not everyone is born and raised in one area with stability and constants in their life....Not everyone gets the chance to have a friend in their life that they have know since childhood....I wish I could change the world...I wish I could take every lost disheartened hopeless individual in the world....the one who is perching on the fence between the light and the dark...I wish I could take them and shake them awake..I wish I could say one thing to them that would open their eyes to a truth they had almost completely forgotten...I wish I could honestly, and without any judgement or a trace of self righteousness give a wounded broken soul the key to life. The key to freedom. I wish I could always speak all of the things I carry in my heart. I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve with no fear of death. I wish i could trust with no thought ever in my mind that I am going to be crushed for it. It seems the older I get the more people and their dramas try to convince me that i need to be more closed off...more cold....I think there is a fine line between being availible to life and love and the god inside and out...and being naive and easily manipulated...Although at times in my life I have bordered on naive, I find everytime I look in the mirror the past year or two I see someone I like more and more...I find I see more and more strength behind my own eyes and also more clearly the presence of strength in anothers eyes...sometimes i only see a spark but it gives me hope that that sould may still choose to climb now from their mountain of pain onto the right side of the fence...I find I am more easily able to discern a person who is no longer willing to hear truth and one who is questioning there being more to life than the shallow hollow crap of a social structure that they are being forcefed. I am more easily able to see feel hope...To feel Love...not that obsessessive or superficial love...not lust or a surface fill for a deep lonliness...but real true regard and understanding for a fellow human being....True compassion..not giving someone what they want wether it is your money, your company because they are afraid to be alone, your energy because they can't produce their own......but giving them what they anger but hate but pity but bullshit shallow induging self pity retoric...but the truth, however harsh it may be. I am becoming a person I am so glad to know...I am finding more value in the people that are and always have been an honor to know wether family, life long friends, or the girlfriend of your brother... I am finding more compassion and patience for those people who try my patience wether my family, aquaintences or in-laws...For the first time in my life..I am approaching my birthday once again..25, a quarter of a century and i am not ashamed or disappointed in the least with who I am...I have no regrets for the life I have chosen to share mine with for the past 9 months..I feel a sense of loss for this person...but I feel no desperateness to run back again and repeat the cycle....I have learned that lesson and so many other valuable lessons in the face of madness....I have seen in another person ways that I could be I don't keep my foolish mind in check...I have seen manifestations of the extremes I could go to If I allow anything or anyone to rule my life and my heart...I have learned that my heart belongs to the spiritual being that has created the beauty and awe of life...The same one who put the other half of the spectrum there too so we could have free that we could choose to live in spirit or chose to die in body and every color of the rainbow in between...I have learned that it is not my right to give something away that is only given to grace. If someone wants what makes me whole...all they have to do is ask and it will be given to them in the same way it was given to me....Freedom is YOU...YOURS to ask for...YOURS to acknowledge...YOURS to see and admit is there...It's that simple, you just ask with every molocule of energy in your body with no shame or pride....You will get the answer and further guidance every step you take from there....You still have to choose to step the right way at every crossroads....but its not just a shot in the dark anymore...I think the wisest thing I ever heard out of this persons mouth was something I would say has been my internal mantra for the past two years.....If you don't stand for something, You will fall for anything...Its the same message I read in a favorite book from my early teens..I reread it the other day...It's called "The Clearing" and is the follow to "The Lemming"....The basic summary of the two books up to where this applys is this. A Lemming is a rodent...A small creature that baffles scientific minds around the world but is such an amazing metaphor for the human race....They breed...And they follow their most primal of instincts...They breed...Gather...Run from predators...And prepare once a year to celebrate life by jumping off a cliff into the sea below...If the fall doesn't kill them, they can't swim and drowm anyways...In the midst of all the chaos one little lemming asks the unpopular questions...What is the hurry??What are we doing this for??? WHat happens AFTER we jump off the cliff???Can we swim??? Then WHY are we doing this??? It makes everbody very uncomfortable...shakes them up a bit having to think about animal insticts instead of just plunging ahead blindly...The little Lemming hears "don't talk or wonder about these things from his family friends and everybody he has ever known so much that he starts to second guess himself...He almost joins them in their mass suicide...he comes right to the edge of the cliff but decideds at the last second to fight his way back against the tide of lemmings to the safety of a large rock...He leaves that place telling the few other lemmings who somehow didn't make it over the cliff and are now ready to start the cycle again that he is no longer an lemming and leaves...AT a clearing in the woods he meets an unlikely buddah figure..a Bear who proceeds to tell him his whole story. He tells the lemming that simply running away from being a lemming will not work...everytime he finds himself thinking a thought that even remotely resembles a "lemming though" he would run screaming in circles thinking to himself "don't ever think lemming thoughts...don't think about your family they are jumpers like the rest of 'um; next thing you know you'll be jumping off a cliff" The bear tells the lemming that in his desperation to not be a lemming he will run himself in circles utill he runs accidently off a cliff or into the jaws of a hungry beast and confirm for himself his worst fears...That he was indeed a lemming, In both life and death...By simply striving to not be running away, his worst fears would end up being realized...The SOLUTION says the bear?!? "RUN TOWARD SOMETHING!!"
THAT is the most valuable lesson I realized from the cumulation of the past two years.2006, I have been living it for two years but is the year I realized it.....I am only now able to grasp what the difference in my life truely is...Its not the church masses I've been too...Its not the philosopical or spiritual talks...Its not searching though spiritual books, scriptures, or instruction books...Those have been the product of one thing...RUN TOWARD SOMETHING....This year as approach 25 I finally see clearly the only way that I can live the life that will bring me happiness and fufillment...


That is my hope for all humanity...that all of the individuals out there stop running from something...stop being bound by fears...stop living in secret hatred of themselves its not good enough to realize that as you are you are flawed or someone you are ashamed to be...YOU can't run away from can only RUN TOWARD SOMETHING.

With Hope.

Saturday, January 7, 2006

The Divine Inspiration of a Coffee and a Sunrise with My Dad...

Current mood: rejuvenated

The Divine Inspiration of a Coffee, a Sunrise
and Conversation with My Dad....

Thanks for all you've taught me
Pain for all you've thought me
Either way the lesson learned
Nothing lost, new understanding earned

My vision clearing for the first time in so long
A glimpse of an amazing me, I'd thought I lost, hidden all along
Faith renewed and strength revealed to eyes once filled with fog
Finally seeing the pieces as one with spirit and ticking of clocks

No regrets for this time I spent with you Patch
No misery for understanding of love never to be grasped
What has always been mine is me, and cannot be taken with control
No being on earth to you or to me will ever fill a God shaped hole

Friendliness and separate roots were the start of this quest
Not holding on for fear when paths have split, becomes the truest test
Aside from selfishness, a Love I felt so pure, lies deep inside my heart
There it will stay untouched by time though difference keeps us apart

The answer not without in the doubts of the mind
The wisper within what Yahweh begs of all to find
The spirit of Fear, of Confusion, Mistrust...
Is not given by the God inside each of us


Current mood: optimistic

The Warmth
by incubus

I'd like to close my eyes and go numb
But there's a cold wind coming from
The top of the highest high rise today
Its not a breeze cuz it blows hard
Yes and it wants me to discard the
The humanity I know, watched the warmth blow away
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
So do you think I should adhere
To that pressing new frontier
And leave in my wake, a trail of fear
Should I hold my head up high
And throw a wrench and spokes by
I'm leaving the air behind me clear
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
Before you grow old


Home Within

Current mood: indescribable

Sitting on this motel bed
Killing time together, but each alone
All the paths we could have gone
But here and now is the only road we have chose

Sifting through memories of lives gone by
For clues to directions which we should grow
Looking to the past, looking to the future
When the present is all we can truely know

Portals open in our minds
To other spaces, other times
This dimension is all we live and breathe
And home within all we can hope to reach

All of this existence for divine purpose
Or just a feather drifting on pockets of air
A destiny called to each and all?
Or do we only move following what way we stare

Metaphors to simplify
The complexity of a life beyond any of our grasps
To find strength and structure in fragile balance
A bridge on the verge of collapse...

Portals open in our minds
To other spaces, other times
This dimension is all we live and breathe
And a home within is all we can hope to reach

Friday, January 6, 2006

Everybody's gotta learn

ZUCCHERO -Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your loving like the sunshine
And everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your loving like the sunshine
And everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime