Saturday, November 4, 2006

Thoughts on motherhood....


Current mood: scared

Hello everyone...
Wow I haven't posted a blog in a long time.. (well at least for me! :))... Tommorrow is a week until my due date.. no baby yet! Its so wierd waiting.. I know its gonna happen.. I know I'm gonna be a mom at some point during the next 3 weeks at the longest... but somehow I still haven't even come close to wrapping my mind around that idea... It kinda freaks me out a bit to be honest... I love love love babies.. love kids.. always have.. and for the majority of my adult life I didn't think I was even able to have one of my own (long story...) so needless to say this pregnancy was a pretty huge shock... albiet an amazing shock... and quite possibly the miracle I needed in my life... shit I'm starting to ramble.. I have so much going on in my mind and so many emotions that its really hard not to ramble though.... I'm sitting on the threshold of what will most likely be the pivotal moment in my life... one of the most amazing, scary, and life altering events that can happen in a human life....I'm terrified..... nervous.. and yet incredibly excited and anxious to meet my son... this new little person that I'm about to bring forth into the world....one of my closest friends who just became a daddy not too long ago summed up all of what I'm getting at pretty freaking well in a conversation we had several months ago... he said something to the effect of "I get to show him how to be a human...as if I know!" I wonder if everyone feels like this when they are becoming a parent... I know I have many ideas on how I want to raise him...I have ideals and philosophies on life that I aim to teach... I have standards that I intend to hold myself to in terms of being a parent... I have spent years watching people with their children.. silently critiquing how others parent... what is good what is bad.. what do I agree with.. what do I think I'd do differntly.... and yet for all the self educating... philosophizing.. ideas and idealized situations.... for all the experience I have of caring for children that are not my own... I somehow still feel like I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing.. or what I'm in for... I know I'm not gonna ever intentionally hurt him... I know I'm going to give him everything I have.. everything I am capable of being... but I'm still afraid that it won't be enough... what if I fail at the biggest responsibiliy of my life... what if I fail my baby boy.. what if I am unable to ever give him the foundation I want to give him.. the teachings on which to build a good life... how can I give him the tools he needs to live when I'm not quite sure what those tools are myself....here I go.. round in circles again.. welcome to my mind for the past 9 months... I'm just a little nervous I guess.... in someways I'm glad I get to raise him on my own.. no compromising the ways I believe he should be raised... I get full say in every aspect of caring for the child I created... but on the other hand that means that I have no one to help me shoulder this responsibility... no second opinion.. no extra set of hands, eyes, and ears.... If I fail noone will pick up the slack for me... no one will catch the ball if I start to drop it.... that kinda sucks.... it's kinda wierd.. maybe its hormones or something... but I've been fine with doing the single mother thing for all this time... I've been feeling really confident that I can do this better on my own than I could have with my crazy ex in tow and while that is DEFIENTLY still true (the ex part..) I can't help but feel really sad these days that I will have no partner in this.. no one lieing in bed on the other side of this little baby... no third to cuddle with.. and what breaks my heart the most.....no one for my son to call daddy.... I wish I could have given him that.... I feel like maybe I'm already failing him........anyways... I guess this probably sounds depressed...depressing.. I don't mean it that way.. and I'm doing pretty well for the most part and most of the time... guess I'm just thinking on paper... I want to remember someday how I felt in these days before he arrives.... and I want to be real with how I feel.. good and bad.. whats the point of a blog if not to be a place to be real... with myself and whoever else reads this..... I need a tissue and food, so until next time..

Love this song....

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It could be raining there too

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It could be raining there too

And on my easel I drew
While I was thinking of you
And on the roof of my head
In came my five string serenade

His is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It might be raining there too

And on my easel I drew
While I was thinking of you
And on the roof of my head
In came my five string serenade

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And though Im playing for you
It might be raining there too
This is my five string serenade

Mazzy Star

Currently watching:
I Am Sam
Release date: 18 June, 2002