Monday, December 18, 2006


Current mood: loved

Lennon smiled at me this morning, I was stickin my tounge out at him cause he was stickin his out at me, and we were going back and forth and I was laughing and he smiled a little and so I smiled and laughed and he smiled more and then I stuck my tounge out and he gave me A FULL FLEDGED BIG TOOTHLESS SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its the little things that make life so amazing... for sure... :)

Currently listening:
By The Beatles
Release date: 21 November, 2006

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Thoughts on motherhood....

Current mood: scared

Hello everyone...
Wow I haven't posted a blog in a long time.. (well at least for me! :))... Tommorrow is a week until my due date.. no baby yet! Its so wierd waiting.. I know its gonna happen.. I know I'm gonna be a mom at some point during the next 3 weeks at the longest... but somehow I still haven't even come close to wrapping my mind around that idea... It kinda freaks me out a bit to be honest... I love love love babies.. love kids.. always have.. and for the majority of my adult life I didn't think I was even able to have one of my own (long story...) so needless to say this pregnancy was a pretty huge shock... albiet an amazing shock... and quite possibly the miracle I needed in my life... shit I'm starting to ramble.. I have so much going on in my mind and so many emotions that its really hard not to ramble though.... I'm sitting on the threshold of what will most likely be the pivotal moment in my life... one of the most amazing, scary, and life altering events that can happen in a human life....I'm terrified..... nervous.. and yet incredibly excited and anxious to meet my son... this new little person that I'm about to bring forth into the of my closest friends who just became a daddy not too long ago summed up all of what I'm getting at pretty freaking well in a conversation we had several months ago... he said something to the effect of "I get to show him how to be a if I know!" I wonder if everyone feels like this when they are becoming a parent... I know I have many ideas on how I want to raise him...I have ideals and philosophies on life that I aim to teach... I have standards that I intend to hold myself to in terms of being a parent... I have spent years watching people with their children.. silently critiquing how others parent... what is good what is bad.. what do I agree with.. what do I think I'd do differntly.... and yet for all the self educating... philosophizing.. ideas and idealized situations.... for all the experience I have of caring for children that are not my own... I somehow still feel like I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing.. or what I'm in for... I know I'm not gonna ever intentionally hurt him... I know I'm going to give him everything I have.. everything I am capable of being... but I'm still afraid that it won't be enough... what if I fail at the biggest responsibiliy of my life... what if I fail my baby boy.. what if I am unable to ever give him the foundation I want to give him.. the teachings on which to build a good life... how can I give him the tools he needs to live when I'm not quite sure what those tools are I go.. round in circles again.. welcome to my mind for the past 9 months... I'm just a little nervous I guess.... in someways I'm glad I get to raise him on my own.. no compromising the ways I believe he should be raised... I get full say in every aspect of caring for the child I created... but on the other hand that means that I have no one to help me shoulder this responsibility... no second opinion.. no extra set of hands, eyes, and ears.... If I fail noone will pick up the slack for me... no one will catch the ball if I start to drop it.... that kinda sucks.... it's kinda wierd.. maybe its hormones or something... but I've been fine with doing the single mother thing for all this time... I've been feeling really confident that I can do this better on my own than I could have with my crazy ex in tow and while that is DEFIENTLY still true (the ex part..) I can't help but feel really sad these days that I will have no partner in this.. no one lieing in bed on the other side of this little baby... no third to cuddle with.. and what breaks my heart the one for my son to call daddy.... I wish I could have given him that.... I feel like maybe I'm already failing him........anyways... I guess this probably sounds depressed...depressing.. I don't mean it that way.. and I'm doing pretty well for the most part and most of the time... guess I'm just thinking on paper... I want to remember someday how I felt in these days before he arrives.... and I want to be real with how I feel.. good and bad.. whats the point of a blog if not to be a place to be real... with myself and whoever else reads this..... I need a tissue and food, so until next time..

Love this song....

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It could be raining there too

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It could be raining there too

And on my easel I drew
While I was thinking of you
And on the roof of my head
In came my five string serenade

His is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It might be raining there too

And on my easel I drew
While I was thinking of you
And on the roof of my head
In came my five string serenade

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And though Im playing for you
It might be raining there too
This is my five string serenade

Mazzy Star

Currently watching:
I Am Sam
Release date: 18 June, 2002

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Gimme some TRUTH

Current mood: annoyed

Give Me Some Truth
John Lennon

I'm sick and tired of hearing things
From uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocritics
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth

I've had enough of reading things
By neurotic, psychotic, pig-headed politicians
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth

No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky
Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me
With just a pocketful of hope
Money for dope
Money for rope

No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky
Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me
With just a pocketful of soap
Money for dope
Money for rope

I'm sick to death of seeing things
From tight-lipped, condescending, mama's little chauvinists
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth now

I've had enough of watching scenes
Of schizophrenic, ego-centric, paranoiac, prima-donnas
All I want is the truth now
Just gimme some truth

No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky
Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me
With just a pocketful of soap
It's money for dope
Money for rope

Ah, I'm sick and tired of hearing things
from uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocrites
All I want is the truth now
Just gimme some truth now

I've had enough of reading things
by neurotic, psychotic, pig-headed politicians
All I want is the truth now
Just gimme some truth now

All I want is the truth now
Just gimme some truth now
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth

Currently watching:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Release date: 26 April, 2005

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

random ramblings of my life today.... NO MORE WORK!!!!

Current mood:not sure...

Soo I worked my last day today... sort of unplanned.. I just had enough of the stress of keeping district managers off my ass. No matter what I was doing I was getting bitched at.. working 48 hours wasn't good enough... they'd bitch because i wouldn't work nights (fuck no I'm not driving home an hour on extremely unlit highways in a shit box car at 9'oclock at night at 8months pregnant).. didn't take breaks.. didn't schedule myself 6 days instead of 5... I'd go do an inventory at another store and I'd be there on my feet for 10 freaking hours working my butt off only taking a 15 minute break to eat a slice of pizza while all the other managers would do the "work for 30 minutes.. smoke cigarettes for 15.. chat for 15 minutes.. work for 30 minutes.. smoke... etc" routine all day long.. and when I'd leave an hour earlier than we were supposed to cause my backand feet couldn't take anymore I'd get bitched at and lumped in with the shmucks who'd show up for 3 hours and leave with some lame excuse... I was sick all weekend with a nasty cold and I had to deal with this jerk telling me that not going in to work shows bad character and that i "letting the team down"... FUCK OFF dude! In the scheme of things the "team" of corporate bungholes at this company (which is very rapidly going down the shitter as a whole) don't amount to a pisshole in the snow to my life.. expecially not compared to my unborn child and I am not endangering my (and in turn his) wellbeing by going and working a 10 hour day with a fever and a sinus headache and a nasty runny nose.... anyways.. I needed to vent about that... So after dealing with the daily dose of District Manger Bitchfest (weekly conference call), My daily spanking (lecture by my DM), a whiny call by a fellow manager (because even though I was told I had to be at his store for an inventory at 1:00, he decided to start counting early and was unhappy that I didn't read his mind, and get there in the morning), and the sweet (but VERY blonde) new girl asking me ONE too many questions that I've already answered ten times... I HAD ENOUGH. I called my Dr and told him I can't work anymore and I need a note excusing me... which he happily wrote (he's been trying to get me to cut back hours for a LONG time!)... only downside is that he said since I didn't pass out on the job or anything there is not much in the way of physical evidence to prove that I'm not capable of working should I want to collect on my disability insurance... Oh well... getting a little bit of pay every week would be nice.. but with or without it I'll find a way to manage.... I'll just sell everything I don't need if I have to... plus I got plenty of free time to paint now!!! ANYONE want to buy a PAINTING??? painted furniture???? ANYONE???? *crickets* lol :)

In other news, my ex is apparently even more insane than I had previously suspected.... he is writing letters to my mother now, pretending to be this guy I worked with a couple years ago (who incidently was old, fat, bald, and a total bullshitter... YEAH! cause thats my type and all!) that he thought I was cheating on him with and doing drugs with (amazing how he figured me out isn't it, lol.. WTF!).... so anyways.. he's writing letters pretending to be this guy telling my mother that I go and spend my whole days in a hotel room with him and that she should follow me sometime... Couple that with the recent blogs he has posted with some sort of conspiracy theorys about how the american government is following the same blueprint as the Nazi's... The fact that in his profile he says he is now an alien (jesus turned him into an alien apparently) and the comments he leaves himself as Yoda, and several other "alter egos" having some sort of imaginary conversations with himself that make no sense and yet he thinks that he is making some sort of important statement... He tried to convince me a few weeks ago in one of his blogs that half of the people on my friends list are the old bald guy that he thinks is stalking me.. he had befriended a couple of them too until he decided that they were "him" and after leaving them really strange comments stopped talking to them all... (Lucia I'll write you back soon.. sorry I haven't replied yet.. I've just been trying to figure out how to explain his bizzare behaviour to you... it doesn't even make sense to me and so its had to try and explain it to others..) anyways.... I'm wondering how much further he is gonna go before it becomes unmistakeably obvious to everyone that he has something seriously wrong with his mind...... it makes me so sad still but.. what can I do but take care of myself and my little one.....

Happy thoughts happy thoughts!! puppys... kittens... law and order marathons... not having to go to work anymore...... :) okay I feel happy now! :)

Have a lovely night all!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Can't take the slogans no more....

Current mood: optimistic

I so wanna quit my job.. and start painting.. writing.. drawing.. treking around the world... whatever I feel to do.. and so long as I can make enough to feed my son and eat and have a roof of some sort to sleep under.. I know I could be happy... I was pumping gas yesterday... and suddenly I was wisked away for a split second to the midwest.. .the open road.... the feeling of freedom that comes from having no destination in particular other than wherever your heart tells you to go.... every day I sit at my desk and fight myself.. fight the urge to get up and very calmly bid everyone a fond farewell.... go home and pull out my paints that I have hardly any time to express myself with lately...... anyways.. one of these days... mark my words :) with that said... sing it for me Bob! tell'm how I feel! :D hehe..i'm such a damn hippie ;)

Can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more.

Wipe out the paintings of slogans
all over the streets (ooh, ooh, ooh),
confusing the people
while your asphalt burns our tired feet.
I see borders and barriers,
segregation, demonstration and riots (ooh, ooh, ooh),
a-sufferation of the refugees,
oh-oh, when, when will we be free?

Oh-oh-oh, we can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
no more sweet talk from-a grimepit,
no more sweet talk from the hypocrites.

So we know we can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
no more sweet talk from-a pulpit,
no more sweet talk from the pulpit.

No more sweet talk from-a grimepit,
no more sweet talk from the hypocrites (oh, no hypocrites!),
no more sweet talk from-a grimepit (wo-ah yeah),
no more sweet talk (no-no-no-no sweet talk) from the hypocrites (hey!),
no more sweet talk from-a grimepit,
no more sweet talk (no-no-no-no sweet talk) from the hypocrites (no-no-no-no hey!).


Sunday, September 24, 2006

paintings for my son...

Current mood: artistic

Helloooo, I wanted to share some paintings I've been working on for my son, I'm hanging them over his cradle and they are based on the animals in the quilt I got for his cradle... Theres still two more I'm gonna do... I'm thinking of starting to try to sell my paintings... I went out and bought almost 200$ worth of unfinished wooden furniture and boxes to paint.. to try and start up a sort of business selling them... I'll post some pictures of those on here too as they are finished.. I also was looking at those plaster belly cast kits today too.. think I'm gonna order one, and do a painting on it too! :) I think right now I'm gonna go paint a picture for myself.. I've had this image in my head now for two days.. and if I don't get it out of there soon its gonna be lost in the spaces of my mind forever..... anywho... what'd yall think?? :)

Image Hosted by

Image Hosted by
Image Hosted by
Currently watching:
The Matrix
Release date: 21 September, 1999

PLEASE READ: a request...

Current mood: worried

On behalf of my unborn child I am putting out a request to all of you my friends... My ex is completely fucking nuts... some of the shit he's been posting on his myspace is getting pretty fucking scary to me.... This man is extremely unstable and abusive... I believe he has some form of schizophrenia or some other paranoid personality disorder.... the point is, I am TERRIFIED that when my son is born he will try to get visitation, custody, or come around.. For my baby's protection I'm trying to get the protective orders I already have bumped up to full protection so that he can't try to contact me in any way, or come within like 1000 feet or something.... What does this have to do with any of you??? Well, he has sent messages and contacted several of my friends that I know of.. and while I'm not sure he would have contacted anyone else, I wouldn't put anything past him at this point... so: If any of you have gotten ranting, raving, crazy messages from him, would you please forward them on to me... it would be a great help to me if I need more to help me prove to the police and courts how much he has completely lost it.... Anyways... sorry about the drama, if he hasn't contacted you no worries, if he has, please let me know, and if he ever does in the future please let me know right away... Thank you all!!!

Currently reading:
Natural Baby and Childcare: Practical Medical Advice and Holistic Wisdom for Raising Healthy Children
By Lauren Feder
Release date: 17 March, 2006

Friday, September 22, 2006


Current mood: sleepy

"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there."

Currently listening:
Live at the Door
By Nichole Nordeman
Release date: 20 May, 2003

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Devil and Mrs. Bush...

Current mood: amused

I posted this in a bulletin... and then I was still needing to announce this to more people so.....

I just have to say... The president of Venezuela Fucking rules! I might move there if shit keeps goin like it is... I hear gas is like 45 cents a gallon or something equally as lovely... Why can't we have politicians with some fucking balls like that in this country... buncha fucking lemmings is what we've got.. anyways... just my thoughts for the day.

:) God Bless... the whole world ;)

p.s. if you have no idea what I'm talking about.. check your local news.. or go browse yahoo news... or wait to read about it in the newspaper 1st thing in the A.M.

Currently reading:
Sign Language for Babies and Toddlers
By Christopher Brown
Release date: 09 September, 2005

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Current mood: sad

My great aunt passed away over the weekend :( I have to go to her funeral in a few hours.. I hate funerals.. but I really feel like I should go... it made me really sad to learn that she was so excited about going to my surprise baby shower.. and when she first went to the hospital on thursday the first thing she said to my grandma and her other sister was a very glum and disappointed "I guess I can't go now..."..... My aunt terry was a really cool lady... short fiesty and firey... I remember when I was little I used to measure how quick I was growing by her... I would go up and stand next to her and say "only 2 more inches aunt Terry" and she'd say "Still not there yet Shorty"... The summer I finally overshadowed her (only by a half an inch!) I started calling her shorty... always did from then on..... :( She was one of my favorite relatives.. probably my favorite outside of my grandparents and my slightly crazy (but only cause he's a stubborn aquarius!) great uncle in California (who incidently is here for the week.. guess thats the one good part about funerals.....:( ) I didn't get to see her very often.. but I know my aunt will be missed.. by me and many, many others.....

On that note.... life is too short my friends... tell someone you love how much they mean to you... you never know what the next moment holds.... Be well everyone...


It feels like your life's crashing down all around you
Let me ask if it's really so bad
Look at the world in it's suffering
Can you honestly tell me that no one else could understand
All the hurting inside

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

A young child looks through a great stained glass window
Watching the people go by
Everyone seems to be wearing a red coat
His mother sees jackets in white
Now he can't understand why does she see it this way

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

Yesterday, you really couldn't see
By changing your angle a new world would be
Revealed to your once blinded eyes by moving a few degrees

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

-Jon Micah Sumrall

Currently listening:
Sea of Faces
By Kutless
Release date: 24 February, 2004

I have the greatest...

Current mood: loved! :)))) My mom and Sarah and Addi and my Nana threw me a surprise shower yesterday! Awesome! :) There were so many people there, it was pretty freaking overwhelming (in a good way) I think I almost cried at least 4 or 5 times at just the thought of there being all these people who care and are rooting for me and Lennon! I think we have just about everything we need now too... I am so in awe of the kindness of the few who put this together, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! Anyways.. I'm about to head off to bed, but I just wanted to thank you guys for everything you've done to help me during this time in my life... especially for just being there and loving me... Don't know where I'd be without you guys (Mom and Sarah and Addi)... I Love You all and G'night!

Currently reading:
Diaper Free! The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene
By Ingrid Bauer
Release date: 01 April, 2001

Friday, September 8, 2006

Pirates, Paintings, Lead pipes, and Poison

Current mood: content

Just wanted to let everyone know... I saw a pirate today.. He was in walmart parking lot... and he had a patch and a sword and all... so all of you please be careful and be on the lookout... there be pirates in these here waters... "YAAAARRRghhhhh MATEY" :) Thats pretty much all I have to say.. I had a good and productive day off today.. my lil sister helped me run some errands.. spent lots of my money, but it was on some of the essentials for baby.. Got myself a sweet ass Rocking chair :))))) I LOVE LOVE LOVE rocking chairs and I finally had a good reason to get one!... Got some curtain rods so I could finally hang my curtains I made a few years ago that are the coolest freaking curtains you will ever see... AND, I bought my first package of diapers... I was really wanting to use cloth diapers but I don't know how thats gonna work.. I'm still gonna try, but I bought some biodegradable, natural fiber, latex and clorine free disposable ones.. just in case rinsing poopy diapers becomes just tooo unappealing ;)

So anyways, mine and Lennon's room is almost finished.. few more random things to get, couple more homey touches and we will be in like flynn. I painted him some reall cute jungle animal paintings the other night to go with the cradle quilt I bought...Gotta hang those up this weekend. I went to visit the hospital last night for a tour of the maternity wing... BLAH! I freaking hate hospitals.... And while I am looking forward to meeting my son, I am dreading having to give birth in a hospital.. I'm gonna be such a thorn in their sides, I can see it already.. I'm not gonna cooperate with anything that they do as standard procedures from the moniters they use to the tools they want to use, the drugs they want to give, to the injections they're gonna want to give him and the goo they're gonna want to put in his eyes.. no way no how!! Not gonna happen! I'll be damned if they're gonna shoot my newborn son up with all sorts of chemicals and crap! Or give me narcotics so they can get passed on into him and he can come out all drowsy and drugged up! I've read WAYYYYY too many things about vaccines and all of the "standard medical procedures" that have caused serious harm and even death to way to many people.. I think I'll try and deal with the pain thank you very much! And I think I'll take my chances with vitamin K deficiencys hepatitis and german measles rather than have my hours old son get injected with shit that had the same stuff in it that embalming fluid is made from! DOn't get me wrong.. I know the Drs mean well and its what they're trained to do... but I think I recall reading also that the fall of the Roman empire (which was the greatest human force to reckon with on earth at one point) was due to such a simple thing as the water system being built with LEAD pipes... Roman engineers, though they had the best of intentions, poisoned an entire population of people simply because they did something they thought would be fine...without knowing the possible long term damage it could do...In my opinion.. based on all the information I've informally studied and self taugh myself.. I think a good portion of western medicine is heading in the same direction.. from vaccines to prescription drugs.. its all the same poison in my book. AAAAaaaaaaaaaannyways :) Sorry for the rant, I tend to ramble about things I feel passionately about.. Point is: That hospital does not know what kind of a hard time they are in for the day I walk through they're door ;))) and on that note.. I think I'm gonna go put my footsies up and read a bit.. Tah Tah and Good night... and don't forget to be on the lookout for pirates...


Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Parenting and authority

Current mood: working

This is an article I found browsing around the net.. I thought it was AMAZING to say the least... This person so eloquently speaks all the ways I think... so I'm reposting it. Even if you read it and don't agree with it, it still makes for some good reading... and if you don't agree please let me know.. I'm curious to hear some good arguements from the opposing views.. READ ON :)

How Should I Parent - According to the Experts?

According to those who study human behavior, there IS a "best" parenting style. It's called the authoritative parenting style. Researchers like Diana Baumrind and others have roughly outlined four basic parenting styles. These styles are based upon two indicators: parental warmth and parental control (or now called parental responsiveness and parental demandingness). The parenting styles are based upon how much of each indicator the parent displays in his or her interactions with the children. In our discussion of these styles, we will look at them from most controlling to least controlling.

Authoritarian - these parents have a high level of control, but a low level of responsiveness. They expect obedience from their children without question. They have a high level of structure and clearly stated rules, and often use punishment as a deterrent to disoedience. They are also characterized by the high level of psychological control they exert over their children. Children of authoritarian parents tend to do moderately well in school and do not engage in problem behaviors, but they have lower self-esteem, poorer social skills and more depression. A higher percentage of obese children come from authoritarian families.

Authoritative - these parents have both a high level of control and a high level of responsiveness, but their discipline is non-punitive. They clearly let their children know what their standards are, but these parents are able to balance their conformity demands with respect for their children's individuality. Children of authoritarian parents are the most socially and instrumentally competent, and exhibit the lowest levels of problem behaviors. This is the parenting style that researchers SAY is the best.

Indulgent - these parents are more responsive than they are demanding. They are more non-traditional than the other styles, allow the child more self-regulation, and do not require mature behavior. Another term for this style is democratic.

Uninvolved - these parents are low in responsiveness and demandingness. While most researchers point out that this category includes those who are rejecting or neglectful, for the most part even these parents fall within what is considered normal parenting behavior.

Now, here's the reason I've been discussing these parenting styles - NOT so you will run out and all become authoritative parents. One commentator states that "children from authoritative homes appear to be able to balance the claims of external conformity and achievement demands with their need for individuation and autonomy" (1). There is the kicker: conformity.

Who decided just what we are supposed to conform to? Who decided just what behavior is "best" for our children, and for us as individuals? Our society "demands" a certain kind of behavior from us. The point is, we DON'T have to adhere to these demands.

I have specifically raised my children so that they know they do not have to adhere to anyone else's demands (except in cases where breaking the law might get them thrown in jail). I do not require them to adhere to "external conformity and achievement demands". You see, these researchers, they assume that we all agree about what is "socially acceptable" or necessary, so when they evaluate the children reared with these different parenting styles, they may say that some of them did not turn out to be "socially competent". Well, maybe that's because not all of us parents agree that being socially competent, by their definition, is what we want for our children.

While I'd like my children to be polite, kind and compassionate to other human beings, I do not want them to feel that just because some supposed authority figure tells them to do something that it is necessarily the right thing to do.

I do not believe in AUTHORITY. I believe in people being equals, not one person being in control of everyone else.

Now people will say, "But in society there will always be someone in authority over us. Shouldn't our children learn this from the start? God, government officials, law enforcement, doctors, teachers, parents - don't all these people have authority over us?"

The answer is, no, they shouldn't, and if they do, it's because we have allowed them to have an authority over us that is inappropriate. Let's explore the false authority that has been given to these individuals.

GOD - This one depends upon your theology. Most people believe God to be a supreme, perfect being who has the right to tell us what to do because he is higher and greater than us. However, these viewpoints were formed by MEN down through the ages and codified into written documents like the Bible, Koran and others. God has never communicated this to us directly, humans have formed this opinion based upon their experiences and assumed this was what God intended for all people. This is not true. God created us from the same stuff he is made from. God is made from electromagnetic energy and so are we. We are part of him because we are made from him and have the same power as him only we don't know how to use it yet. Jesus came to show us how to use that power, and how to live as equals, but that message is no more popular then than it is today. People seem to crave someone else to tell them what to do so they don't have to take responsibility for it themselves. People don't want a truly equal society.

Government officials - our government is supposed to be "by the people" meaning that we govern ourselves by electing officials that will govern the way we want them to. But it doesn't work that way. Those who are supposed to represent us don't see themselves as our servants, but as our masters. They see themselves as the ones "in charge" of our country.

Law enforcement - there only need to be 2 laws. Don't physically harm another person, or their property. That's it. But in true human fashion, we have taken these two simple laws and multiplied them into thousands. In our society, our leaders see it as their purpose to keep everybody from committing wrongs, when their actual purpose should be simply to teach and rehabilitate people after they have done them. Instead of just holding somebody accountable when they get in a car accident, they make all these other rules, like you must wear a seat belt and you must not drive over the speed limit and you must have a drivers license, and you must blah blah blah.....We don't need all that. When somebody else places externally-imposed standards on you, you then don't feel it necessary to monitor your own behavior from within, because somebody has already made your decisions for you. The more laws are placed upon us, the more lawless our society will become.

Doctors - their favorite saying is "follow doctor's orders" as if they are in command over us and we must obey. Doctors in this country for the most part follow one particular theory or model of healing. If you are going to be treated by a doctor in this country you are going to be subjected to a particular viewpoint about how disease and healing occur. The trouble is, you might disagree with that model and not want to be treated according to its rules. Most doctors in this country have only been trained in one model and know very little about other ways of healing. Once again, a decision has been made by those in "authority" that this one model of healing is the best and the others shouldn't be used. Well, that is for the individual patient to decide. No one is going to decide for me what kind of treatment I am allowed to have. I will go to the doctor to get his advice but I will also consult the chiropractor, nutritionist, herbalist, midwife, acupuncturist, naturopath, homeopath, and many others, and then most importantly, I will consult my own innner wisdom and intuition. That is what will tell me the right thing to do.

Teachers - well, before you can accept that a teacher is necessary, you must concede that there is something you cannot teach yourself, or you must believe that what the teacher has to impart to you is true and accurate. I concede neither of those. In a classroom, a teacher teaches what he or she has been told to teach by those in charge of the system, in most cases, our government. In public schools, children learn what the government thinks is important. In a private school, children learn what those who own the school think is important. In a parochial school, children learn what the leaders of that religion believe is important. Everywhere, in every school, the school itself is organized around a group of core ideas that the leaders believe are important for everyone to know.

Well, how about each person deciding for himself or herself what is important? What is important to you may not be important to me. Schools are designed to control students while they learn to socially conform to what others want. Even the knowledge that is deemed important is censored so that only part of what there is to know is ever taught.

No, teachers are not necessary or desirable. A person can teach themselves anything they want to know, because they themselves have deemed it important, not because they are forced to by someone else.

Parents - is the purpose of parents to control children? Some would say so. No, the purpose of parents to lovingly care for children's physical and emotional needs while they grow and develop into whoever they decide to become. It is NOT a parent's job to mold their child into something, or to make them accept some ideas and reject others. You may WANT may wish your child would adopt your ideas or ways of doing things, but that is not fair to the child. Each person should be allowed to decide for themselves what is important to them and how they will live. But parents for the most part don't allow their children this freedom. They want their children to adopt their religion, cultural practices, political views......but why? Because they believe their way is right. It is the height of human arrogance to think our way is better than anybody elses. One person decides to accept certain values and live a certain way based upon a myriad of different factors, most of which have nothing to do with right and wrong, and everything to do with social conformity and pressure.

In essence, the only reason that the authoritative parenting style is accepted as the best is because it produces children which socially conform the way most of society wants them to. But that does not mean YOU have to accept the norms of society.

I do not place external conformity and achievement demands upon my children. I want them to achieve what they have decided is important to them, not what somebody else in society decides is important. I model for my children on a daily basis behavior that is polite, loving, kind and fair. They model this because they see it demonstrated. All other behaviors are optional, they decide for themselves. They go to bed when they want, eat what they want, wear their hair and clothes the way they want, see the movies they want, study what they want, wash dishes and take out the trash when it is necessary, not because it's a rule, and are allowed to fully unfold and develop into the people they choose to be. We all, as human beings, have that right and obligation.

According to the researchers, children of authoritative parents display fewer "problem behaviors." What are those? Being disobedient, skipping school, staying out late, drinking or smoking, being disrespectful, etc. One reason I don't have a problem with my kids is because I do not consider these to BE problem behaviors. I don't expect obedience from my children, but I expect respect because I show respect to them. People used to ask, don't you expect them to do what you tell them to do? No, but as kind and decent individuals, they often do what I ASK them to do. My husband used to want to assign chores to the kids and give them punishment or withdraw privileges if they didn't do them. I told him it wasn't necessary. When I need help, I just ask them and they usually give it, unless they have a good reason not to. And if they have a good reason not to, that is good enough for me. I treat them just as I would want to be treated. That is why they show me respect.

Skipping school - it's like a prison, not a place for learning. I'm happy they are skipping it, and educating themselves instead. When you try to force people to learn, it doesn't work.

Staying out late - my kids know they are free to stay out and go wherever they want, but somehow they never stay out later than the latest movie or restaurant is open, and they usually call and let me know where they are. They have cell phones so I can call them whenever I need to.

Everyone always says, if we don't force kids to go to school they won't voluntarily learn anything, and if we don't give them rules they won't do the right thing.....well, mine DO, and so do lots of others. If we give them mutual respect and model good things, they will pick up on it. It's no wonder they rebel against parents who expect them to adhere to a lot of unnecessary rules and don't trust them to do what's right. If you know someone disrespects you on a basic level, why would you want to follow what they say?

People say kids don't know how to make good decisions, that they don't know what is dangerous and what isn't....I think kids very definately can make good decisions. Jean Liedoff's research which lead to her book "The Continuum Concept" showed that our expectations of children influence their abilities. As she lived in the village, and watched the native mothers care for their children, it became evident that the native mothers knew more about their children than we do about ours. The mothers would sit around and chat, and let their babies crawl here and there. There was a huge pit or hole in the ground near where the babies were crawling, but the mothers never showed any concern. The babies would crawl up to the hole, sit on the edge, dangle their feet over, and crawl away, all without any concern from the mothers. Liedoff said that in all the time she was there, no baby ever fell in the hole. They were aware of it, and so were the mothers, but no attempt to restrain their freedom was made, and no accidents occurred.

So, love your kids, be a good model for them, trust them, but don't force them to accept your ideas or anybody elses. Let them become who they want to be, without coersion.

A BIG HUGE AMEN!!!!!!! :)

Saturday, September 2, 2006


Current mood: crappy

Ever have those moments when you feel so helpless and frustrated that all you can do is cry............ the day to day grind coupled with the insanity I still watching from afar.. coupled with physically feeling more and more out of shape....I think my muscles are starting to atrophy cause I couldn't even lift a 50 pound box today with feeling like I was trying to climb mount everest..... I hate this... I am such a self sufficient person... I HATE having to ask other people to help me do ANYTHING... Its so hard to watch your independence becoming a little harder to hold onto with every passing day.... I know its just stupid little things.. but I sometimes I can't wait to have back my ability to physically move around, bend, twist, flex, stretch, lift.. etc whenever and wherever I feel like it... I can't imagine ever becoming severly physically handicapped.. this frumpy, clumsy, akwardly shaped body has only been mine temporarily and its already taking its toll on my emotional wellbeing... or maybe thats the hormones talking.. I don't know...

I went to the doctor today.. he's concerned cause he says I'm working too much... on my feet too many hours and the way my feet and hands, etc are swelling is something that usually happens before you develop preeclampsia in pregnancy.. which apparently can be really serious... So now he's telling me he might ask me to stop working soon, not to mention I'm already missing time to go to the Dr's every week cause he wants to keep a close eye on my blood pressure.... Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed that I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep... working to much is bad for my health which is bad for my baby, but if I don't work I will have no money to take care of my baby....Working so much leaves little time for preparing healthy food..but not working leaves no money for healthy food (or any food for that matter if I wasn't mooching off my folks...) I feel like I'm caught in a catch 22 or something.... There's still so much to do before he's born, and it all needs money and time to get done.. unfortunatly I'm constantly trying to juggle the two.. and so far its been very difficult... and now with every passing day I'm finding all the regualr day to day activities getting harder and harder... I don't know how I'm even gonna put my own shoes on in another week or two... nevermind finish putting together a room for myself and my baby.......I should just stop whining now I guess... sorry for the sob story all.. just having a tough time at the moment...

Friday, September 1, 2006

Stolen from Amy's blog.. but only cause its so freakin true!

Current mood: nostalgic

Hello my friends!
My friend Amy posted this in her blog and it struck such a chord in me that I had to repost it... Not sure where it originated but the messenger is never as important as the message anyways.... so, for you my on....


I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their email. Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it,you will know
the reason it was sent to you.

Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learnedto use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Monday, August 28, 2006

it all works out exactly the way its supposed to in the end...

Current mood: contemplative

Funny... just woke up (yes I know I'm a slacker, but gimme a break! It's my day off and I couldn't fall asleep last night until like 3 or 3:30... ) and i'm sitting here thinking.... I'm just now putting some pieces together... but I do believe that maybe things are turning out exactly as they should... I know there are certain people out there today that unbeknownst to me, and through no direct cause of anything I purposely did... are learning EXACTLY what they need to learn... and finally seeing exactly what they needed to see.. what I'd been trying to teach them... ANd yeah.. theres still an abundance of bullshit mixed up indside the heads along with the good things surfaceing....but thats not for me to concern myself with... Ever meet someone and you see this pain in them.. wether subtle or obvious... and something in you tells you that you are meant to show them the way to overcome that pain??? And you want to more than anything... but you don't know how, and it seems the harder you try the more you appear to be failing you step back and you throw your hands in the air and you say to yourself.. I'm done.. leave it to God... and you say to that person.. I tried to help you.. and I'm sorry I failed you. And you walk away.... I've done this quite a few times so far in life... strange thing is it seems that everytime I do this... give up on trying to fix someone.... they start to recieve the exact healing I was trying to do myself.... but from the one who truely could have changed them all along.... is this the way its supposed to be.. I don't know, maybe we are all here to touch other people in one way or another.. maybe there are certain people that we are supposed to plant a spark of light in... and then step back to see if that spark grow if given room to breathe....Maybe the problems only start when we try to force that spark to become a raging bonfire.... and battle the very person you were trying to help.... maybe its all about control.. maybe its all about an attachment we develop to the outcome... its abuse of a power that was given to us to pass on to others with no expectaion that they will in turn give us love, respect, or even a friendship in return for the jewel we gave them..... maybe we are to simply hand over the spark.. and step away.. leaving them to go whichever way they will go... no trying to take their hand when they keep pulling back.. no trying to lead them, show them, or teach them what you've seen and learned.. nor what you've observed or what worked for you.... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me.. so if it doesn't please consider this my version of talking outloud to myself.. and yes maybe that makes me a bit nuts... But I'm a good kind of nuts and I love it! Anways... I've got stuff to do today, and its hard to sit in front of a computer for long periods of time.... my ankles swell (as usual!) and now my mouse hand, specifically my thumb, has been going numb.. so that I have to let it hang down every few minutes or so, to let the blood flow back through it.... Ahhhhh fluid retention.. what a BEATIFUL thing... I'll tell you what... as much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE feeling him kicking inside me.. or even just knowing he is there and know I will miss it when hes born... The other symptoms of pregnancy are starting to get reeeeeeeaaalllly old... I will defiently be happy to get back into my old clothes.. be able to bend down to tie my own shoes without almost having an aneurism.. fitting into a shoe again (besides the ones I stole right off of Ronald McDonald!) be able to stand and walk for extended periods of time without feeling as if my back is going to (painfully) give out.. Be able to walk up a flight of stairs.. or even just roll over in my bed without loosing my breathe as if I just ran a marathon....................and last but not least... be able to brush my teeth without loosing half of my blood volume! Lol, okay so those are slight exagerations.. but any of you who have been pregnant or were in close contact with a pregnant woman before have somewhat of an idea of what I'm saying..... On that note.. Have a nice rainy, augustty, sunday everyone!!!!!!

You were there...

Current mood: mellow

One more post for the day... I have no CD player in my car and since I don't have a room of my own yet at my house I don't really have anywhere to just relax and listen to music... but, that doesn't stop me from still enjoying some of my favorite music... I was reading some lyrics of favorite songs and I want to post some lyrics from one of my favorite bands of all time.. THE CALL.....I'm not a big fan of 80's music and their music borders on the 80's Pop/rock sound at times... BUT, it is incredibly heartfelt.. very deep, and have some of the most spiritually intense lyrics I've ever heard.... They managed to write music that brings to light some amazing truths.. without being preachy or overly religious... I LOVE these guys.... so.. I would like to share some lyrics to one of my favorite songs by them... it speaks such a profound and yet simple message.... Love.... God... is always there.... wether or not you recognize it is simply a matter of your perspective... If anyone is looking for some "new" old music... go find one of their albums... I highly recommend "Red Moon", "Into the Woods", or "Let the Day Begin".... I think I might post some more of their lyrics in my blog over the next week or without further ado:

You were there

-Michael Been-The Call-

Saw a mans home, a box made of cardboard

Frozen to the bone, cant take much more

He says Lord I need help here,

Send me a strong hand

To lift me from the street, help me to stand

Ive been forgotten, been forsaken

Poisoned by a bottle I could not shake it

Ive been passed over, been rejected

and Im afraid Ill never feel

the warmth of summer come again

Man I am helpless, Im freezing

You were there, you were there

Saw a sick man on a sick bed

Scorned by the world, like he had two heads

He says Im a man here, dying a cruel death

Cut off from the world, man it was so sad

He was suffering, he was ailing

Tortured by his fate, his body was failing

He says Im an outcast, left defenseless

And Im afraid that Ill be dead

Before the summer comes again

Ive been rejected, man I am dying

You were there, you were there

Saw a rich man alone in a dark house

A prison made of gold he could not break out

He says my life is aimless, it just seems pointless

Boredom truly kills, man I am hopeless

I got diamonds, I got houses

I got silver clouds and silver spoons to match it

Ive come up empty, I am desperate

And I never want to feel

The warmth of summer come again

Ill be forgotten, my life is over

You were there, you were there

Hope that meant something to some of you out there.... Be well and have a restfull night my friends...

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Crazy diamond

Current mood: tired

Outside the Wall

All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

"Isn't this where...."

-Roger Waters

where do you stand on...

Current mood: bored

What is your stand on.....
Abortion?:I always knew I could NEVER do it. I don't think its okay personally.. but I also don't believe its my right to tell anyone else how to live
Death Penalty?:I don't like the idea of someone deciding who lives or dies.. but it happens everyday all over the world to innocent people...In that light, murderers are not my top concern
Prostitution?:Again, I don't think I could ever do it.. but some people have honerable reasons I guess...personally, I think much less of the Johns than the prositutes!
Alcohol?:Okay in moderation... unfortunately though for many it is not used in moderation... and just like any other addiction it ruins countless lives...very Sad...
Marijuana?:Smoke it out of peer pressure but didn't like it in my teens.. in my twenties I enjoyed smoking it by myself and listening to some mellow music.. now, got no use for it.
Other drugs?:Are a waste of life, Never had to try most of 'em to tell you that.. I've seen first hand what they've done to some of my friends... a STUPID way to rot your brain!
Gay marriage?:Its not my life. I have no problem with people living the lives they see fit to live, and I sure as hell would not want anyone telling me who I could or could not be with
Illegal immigrants?:To me its the same as all the outsourceing going on.. either way rich assholes are getting richer by stiffing americans and getting shit done cheaper by poor foreigners
Smoking?:Did it for 7 years.. still want them sometimes.but its only cause I'm still addicted. Tobbacco company's are the devil and all the rich fuckers in them should die of cancer!!
Drunk driving?:possibly the most selfish and stupid thing someone could do.. if you wanna kill yourself FINE! but you have no heart or soul if you would risk taking innocent people with you
Cloning?:We should know better than to fuck with God's creation... but of course we human beings always like to think and pretend we are God so it doesn't come as a surprise...
Racism?:Pure IGNORANCE and STUPIDITY! I have no tolerance for racist people.. they need to get their heads out of their asses and start seeing whats going on.. Its pure hate...
Premarital sex?:It happens.. its always happened.. and it always will happen. maybe its right, maybe its wrong... I don't know..
Religion?:I perfer spirituallity.. it takes away the dogma and doctrine and places more emphasis on the human experience with the divine..
The war in Iraq?:Bullshit and Greed.. our poor children are going to come back fried.,. and their poor children are being murdered... its all sick!
Bush?:Evil Bastard...
Downloading music?:its a moral grey area....I cannot claim innocence there ;)
The legal drinking age?:its fine i guess.. its the legal enlisting age that should be upped.. but of course they want'm young.. easier to brainwash, mold, and control
Porn?:I understand its purpose.. can't claim to have never watched and enjoyed it...the size of the industry defiently just goes to show how animalistic human beings truely are!
Suicide?:Selfish and cowardly... I don't know about anyone else but I'm never gonna roll over and let life beat me down.. fuck that!

alright.. I'm really gonna stop procrastinating now and leave! lol! PEace ..

Friday, August 25, 2006

one step closer...

Current mood: indescribable

I was listening to an album I haven't listened to in some months, at work yesterday
strange how music affects the heart.. the mind.. I have a feeling there may be some
music that, though I love it with all my heart, I'm gonna have a really hard time listening
to for a very long time.. possibly forever... it reminds me of too much pain... I'm not one
to purposely torure myself reliving heartbreak... But right now it's necessary.. The only way
I can keep myself together and be strong like I need to be is to be Angry... to be determined...
make myself keep remembering the Hell that I let myself be put though.. for love. I need
to keep refreshing my anger at the person who abused the crap outta me, emotionally,
physically, and mentally... the one who pushed all the limits to see what I'd let him get
away with...
I should have never let my boundaries slip with you to begin with... The thing
is... I don't want you anymore... I miss you sometimes.. the bits of you that are good
and kind and caring... but I don't miss the paranoia.. The abusive words.. accusations
I don't miss the feeling of your hand across my face.. I don't miss having someone twice
my size holding me down and yelling nonsense in my face... I know how your mind works
at this point.. I know you justify these things.. I know you think you had reasons to be that
way but the reality is: you did not. Worse, even if you had... It still makes you much less
of a man that you could treat someone like that.. especially someone you claimed over and
over to love. I spent so much of our relationship trying to figure out what I was doing wrong
to get you to behave like that... how SICK is that.. I blamed myself for YOUR actions and
allowed you to keep pushing me further and further down.......but its life, and I realize that
now... I understand more of my fellow human beings now... I have been the "abused woman"
now.. I know how it happens.. I know how it feels... and maybe in time I will have reason to
know... every hurt.. ever wound.. every scar is a new way to relate.. to empathize with yet
another broken and lost soul wandering out there... every scar teaches me more and more
how to love others despite their flaws... When we are covered in our own scars it is hard to
judge and condem others for theirs....
I don't hate You. I never will... In spite of who you are I see who you could be, or could
have been... I see what is meant to be in your heart.. And for that I love you. BUT, you will
NEVER come back in through this door.. this heart is closed to you. You forced me to slam it
shut one too many times and there is NO going back... I went to childbirth class last night
with my mom... its hard... its hard seeing other women with their mate by their side.. the
partner that they created a life with.. there to experience it together... to welcome the new
little being into the world as a family.. its hard... it breaks my heart that my son will not
have that family.. not a father who is his own flesh and blood... But I am Strong. I have always
been a strong woman and with every trial this life brings me I only grow stronger. I will never
let someone beat me down. Because of you, I have raised my standards, raised the bar again
and because of the little boy I will soon be showing the example of how to live I have raised
the bar even higher... any man in my life from here on out will serve as a role model to my son,
wether he knows, or likes it or not... And from here on out, only men that I can be proud to
stand by will be by my side... I am in no hurry... I have a little boy on the way who is going to
need all of my love, all of my caring... all of my time.. and NOTHING and NOONE is going to
distract me from that. SO to you who played a small role in this creation I carry about: You have
nothing to prove.. and I have nothing left to say... Its all been said before... Take your justifications
for the ways you are and go.... you will NEVER be allowed to do to our son the things your father
did to you.. and you will NEVER again do to me the things your father did to your mother. The
CYCLE is broken and so long as I am (or anyone in my family for that matter is) breathing, my
child will never be close enough to you to be hurt in any way... You know how stubborn I am...
My son is now my life's work.. my greatest accomplishment.. my miracle... and with God as my
witness, he will not be another abusive, controling, jealous, angry, and disturbed man.... He will
be everything you could have been.. and more....
So please, I ask you again to GO... take your fantasies... your righteous words that so ironically
apply almost exclusively to you.... you have an unfathomable amount of other girls in the world
to fool.. to lure in with your charm, your "just right" words about God and life that YOU DO NOT
LIVE by... and your green eyes complete with solar systems.... Take it elsewhere.... This heart..
This body.. This Soul... This Woman... This Door is Closed.
On that note... these wound that were ripped open are still healing a little more everyday.. and
though some moments it easy to lose perspective and feel like everything is wrong.. Some days
I start feeling like my life is over.. all the things I dreamed of having.. being.. doing.. and seeing
are forever removed from my reach.... some moments I forget how free I really am...I have never
been more blessed...With the support and love of my parents.. my brothers and sisters (both
biological and in spirit) I am feeling stonger and more aware and awake every day... I know I have
said it before but Thank you so much to all of you who have been there to lift my spirits, hold my hand,
shoulder my burdens, and dry my tears... you are all forever in the prayers spoken by my heart.

Heres to another day of growth and another day of strengthening my soul... another day of journeying
closer to the answers I've spent my whole life seeking... Heres to Truth... to the truth which will always
be revealed in the end... heres to the newest members of the human race, all our hope rests
with them, teach them well... heres to God... heres to Life.
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm right across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
Currently listening:
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
By U2
Release date: 23 November, 2004

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hey there Mrs Brown! Turn that frown upside down! ;)

Current mood: content

Things that suck:

-Sitting on the side of a busy highway with a flat tire after working all day... with everything to fix the flat except a freaking Jack cause you left it in your ex's car....

-having to wait almost 2 hours for roadside service to find someone to fix said flat tire... and watching the sky growing increasingly darker and darker.... having no flashlight and no clue when help will arrive..

-People who don't get it, even when told something a million times.

-Drunk idiotic beligerant customers who behave so poorly in public that they need to be told to get out of my store.

- Having balloons for feet and ankles

-Drinking pure Glucose 1st thing in the AM and experienceing the joys of a sugar crash all freaking afternoon!

-Stepping on a scale when you're 6 1/2 months pregnant and seeing the damage done by substituting eating for smoking.... :(

THINGS that do the opposite of suck:

-Growing a wittle baby :))))))))

-Having a great group of employees to run my business when I'm not in... so I can actually take a day or two off a week without all hell breaking loose or half my inventory being stolen.

-Having great employees, a clean, well organized store, and basically something I can work with to be successful at this job and not have to pull out my hair or live under a heavy heavy pile of stress (my new store ROCKS, and my crew ROCKS, and soon my paycheck will ROCK!)

-Fruity cheerios (So artificially fruity and sooooo good!)

-Wendy's buffalo ranch sauce (on any sort of chicken.. or french fries)

-Painting my room and finally moving into my own space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Weekends off with kickass, awesome plans, and one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world to hang out wit!


Sunday, August 13, 2006

what if...

Current mood: sad

talked on the phone today to one of my truest dearest friends... I cried when I hung up... called back to say what I really meant... so hard to be so far away from one who means so much to your heart... Strange the places you find yourself in life... all the twists and turns.. choices.. and words you can look back upon.. seeing how far you've come since yet another fork in the road.. I wonder.. does it ever get any easier to just keep looking forward.. not wondering "what if???" ... I wouldn't give up the life growing within me right now for anything... but some moments I can help wondering.. what if I never walked away?? As immature as we were..... We were closer and our love was more real and honest than any other I've seen or felt... as many times as we found our way into each others arms throughout the years.. and fell back away just as many times... what if that last time had never ended... what if the lives we are now each bringing and have brought into this world individually were one and the same... what if???? who knows where this life is leading, mine or his... but I hope he knows that there is a part of my heart that has always been and always will be his... and that no matter where lives lead.. there'll probably always be a place inside me that wishes I had taken the other path on that fork in the road so long ago.... what if....

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Be sure when you step, Step with care & great tact & remember that Lifes a Great Balancing act.

Current mood: cheerful

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.


You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)


be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

---Dr. Seuss

Monday, August 7, 2006

poor rocky :(

Current mood: sleepy

Hello all..

a few things... I ran over a raccoon on my way home from work tonight :( I tried to avoid him...slammed on the brakes and if I could swerved I would have..but I had a car next me and so if I had.. it woulda been my life instead of the raccoon's.... sooo.. I know it was totally unavoidable but I still felt like complete ass afterwards... sooo sad :(

second.. got another promotion..this one is permanant not a temp position.. so rock on me! :) Mucho more money.. mucho more responsiblity... and I think I get to go to a national conference being held out in Vegas now, go me! go me! :) cool shit, never been to nevada so that rocks! I'm not gonna get too psyched yet cause I still have to ask my doctor if I'm allowed to fly this late in pregnancy.. and I have to get confirmation from my district manager on wether or not I'm booked to go or not... I officially begin my new job on wednesday.. wish me luck!!

Third... I don't know why.. but the past few weeks I have been damn near obsessed with my own mortality.... I haven't been this concious of how easily a life can end since I was a kid..... strange.. I'm not usually one to dwell on death or to think about all the things that could go wrong while driving, or just day to day life.. that could end a life *like that*... Being pregnant... bringing a brand new life into the world... it does some crazy shit to your mind... Suddenly I am so scared that something is gonna happen to me a) while pregnant.. or b) once he is born.. and I'll leave him with no parent... The thought of leaving my son behind absolutely fucking terrifies me... I want to be around to make sure he is raised with values, purpose, love... I know my parents would do an awesome job if they had to... but... I dunno... its probably ridiculous to dwell on what if's and I don't want to ever be one of those people who can't leave her house for fear of something traumatic happening... Having a responsibility to another life is just making me much more aware.. I really need to stop speeding... one of these mornings I'm just make a promise to myself... if I'm running late I'm just gonna have to be late to work.. and thats it.... Even worse than my own mortality.. My poor child is not even born yet and I'm already freaking out about all the ways something could happen to him... shopping for baby stuff I can't stop looking for all the ways he could hurt himself.. I spent several hours today on the internet looking up safety ratings for car seats.. high chairs.. cribs... and cars.... my car is a death trap apparently.. which really sucks ass.. I DEFINETLY need a new car before this baby is born..... AGGHHHHH

...I need to stop or I'm gonna make myself crazy... I think the next three months is largely going to consist of working.. and trying to accept that some things I will have NO control over in my child's life... and coming to grips with my mortality.... I guess that this is one of those areas of life that as we mature we simply need to learn to place in God's and death sure as hell ain't in our hands to begin with so best to just accept that God's got the reins............................

On that note.. I am sleepy... Have a peaceful night my friends..

Saturday, August 5, 2006


Current mood: cheerful

in my email...

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly
jar from its hiding place in the closet.

She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully.
Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance
here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on
the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some
attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,"he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered
back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."

" I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

" His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help
you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will
get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know
he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

" How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly.

"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven
cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place. That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle.
I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle dollar and eleven cents .... plus the faith of a little child..

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need..
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation
of a higher law.. I know you'll keep the ball moving!

Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together
like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see
is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.

Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you.


When you are sad.....I will dry your tears.
When you are scared......I will comfort your fears.
When you are worried.....I will give you hope.
When you are confused......I will help you cope.
And when you are lost....And can't see the light, I shall be your
beacon.....Shining ever so bright.

This is my oath.....I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?.....Because you're my friend.

Signed: GOD