Monday, August 28, 2006

it all works out exactly the way its supposed to in the end...

Current mood: contemplative

Funny... just woke up (yes I know I'm a slacker, but gimme a break! It's my day off and I couldn't fall asleep last night until like 3 or 3:30... ) and i'm sitting here thinking.... I'm just now putting some pieces together... but I do believe that maybe things are turning out exactly as they should... I know there are certain people out there today that unbeknownst to me, and through no direct cause of anything I purposely did... are learning EXACTLY what they need to learn... and finally seeing exactly what they needed to see.. what I'd been trying to teach them... ANd yeah.. theres still an abundance of bullshit mixed up indside the heads along with the good things surfaceing....but thats not for me to concern myself with... Ever meet someone and you see this pain in them.. wether subtle or obvious... and something in you tells you that you are meant to show them the way to overcome that pain??? And you want to more than anything... but you don't know how, and it seems the harder you try the more you appear to be failing you step back and you throw your hands in the air and you say to yourself.. I'm done.. leave it to God... and you say to that person.. I tried to help you.. and I'm sorry I failed you. And you walk away.... I've done this quite a few times so far in life... strange thing is it seems that everytime I do this... give up on trying to fix someone.... they start to recieve the exact healing I was trying to do myself.... but from the one who truely could have changed them all along.... is this the way its supposed to be.. I don't know, maybe we are all here to touch other people in one way or another.. maybe there are certain people that we are supposed to plant a spark of light in... and then step back to see if that spark grow if given room to breathe....Maybe the problems only start when we try to force that spark to become a raging bonfire.... and battle the very person you were trying to help.... maybe its all about control.. maybe its all about an attachment we develop to the outcome... its abuse of a power that was given to us to pass on to others with no expectaion that they will in turn give us love, respect, or even a friendship in return for the jewel we gave them..... maybe we are to simply hand over the spark.. and step away.. leaving them to go whichever way they will go... no trying to take their hand when they keep pulling back.. no trying to lead them, show them, or teach them what you've seen and learned.. nor what you've observed or what worked for you.... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me.. so if it doesn't please consider this my version of talking outloud to myself.. and yes maybe that makes me a bit nuts... But I'm a good kind of nuts and I love it! Anways... I've got stuff to do today, and its hard to sit in front of a computer for long periods of time.... my ankles swell (as usual!) and now my mouse hand, specifically my thumb, has been going numb.. so that I have to let it hang down every few minutes or so, to let the blood flow back through it.... Ahhhhh fluid retention.. what a BEATIFUL thing... I'll tell you what... as much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE feeling him kicking inside me.. or even just knowing he is there and know I will miss it when hes born... The other symptoms of pregnancy are starting to get reeeeeeeaaalllly old... I will defiently be happy to get back into my old clothes.. be able to bend down to tie my own shoes without almost having an aneurism.. fitting into a shoe again (besides the ones I stole right off of Ronald McDonald!) be able to stand and walk for extended periods of time without feeling as if my back is going to (painfully) give out.. Be able to walk up a flight of stairs.. or even just roll over in my bed without loosing my breathe as if I just ran a marathon....................and last but not least... be able to brush my teeth without loosing half of my blood volume! Lol, okay so those are slight exagerations.. but any of you who have been pregnant or were in close contact with a pregnant woman before have somewhat of an idea of what I'm saying..... On that note.. Have a nice rainy, augustty, sunday everyone!!!!!!

You were there...

Current mood: mellow

One more post for the day... I have no CD player in my car and since I don't have a room of my own yet at my house I don't really have anywhere to just relax and listen to music... but, that doesn't stop me from still enjoying some of my favorite music... I was reading some lyrics of favorite songs and I want to post some lyrics from one of my favorite bands of all time.. THE CALL.....I'm not a big fan of 80's music and their music borders on the 80's Pop/rock sound at times... BUT, it is incredibly heartfelt.. very deep, and have some of the most spiritually intense lyrics I've ever heard.... They managed to write music that brings to light some amazing truths.. without being preachy or overly religious... I LOVE these guys.... so.. I would like to share some lyrics to one of my favorite songs by them... it speaks such a profound and yet simple message.... Love.... God... is always there.... wether or not you recognize it is simply a matter of your perspective... If anyone is looking for some "new" old music... go find one of their albums... I highly recommend "Red Moon", "Into the Woods", or "Let the Day Begin".... I think I might post some more of their lyrics in my blog over the next week or without further ado:

You were there

-Michael Been-The Call-

Saw a mans home, a box made of cardboard

Frozen to the bone, cant take much more

He says Lord I need help here,

Send me a strong hand

To lift me from the street, help me to stand

Ive been forgotten, been forsaken

Poisoned by a bottle I could not shake it

Ive been passed over, been rejected

and Im afraid Ill never feel

the warmth of summer come again

Man I am helpless, Im freezing

You were there, you were there

Saw a sick man on a sick bed

Scorned by the world, like he had two heads

He says Im a man here, dying a cruel death

Cut off from the world, man it was so sad

He was suffering, he was ailing

Tortured by his fate, his body was failing

He says Im an outcast, left defenseless

And Im afraid that Ill be dead

Before the summer comes again

Ive been rejected, man I am dying

You were there, you were there

Saw a rich man alone in a dark house

A prison made of gold he could not break out

He says my life is aimless, it just seems pointless

Boredom truly kills, man I am hopeless

I got diamonds, I got houses

I got silver clouds and silver spoons to match it

Ive come up empty, I am desperate

And I never want to feel

The warmth of summer come again

Ill be forgotten, my life is over

You were there, you were there

Hope that meant something to some of you out there.... Be well and have a restfull night my friends...

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Crazy diamond

Current mood: tired

Outside the Wall

All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

"Isn't this where...."

-Roger Waters

where do you stand on...

Current mood: bored

What is your stand on.....
Abortion?:I always knew I could NEVER do it. I don't think its okay personally.. but I also don't believe its my right to tell anyone else how to live
Death Penalty?:I don't like the idea of someone deciding who lives or dies.. but it happens everyday all over the world to innocent people...In that light, murderers are not my top concern
Prostitution?:Again, I don't think I could ever do it.. but some people have honerable reasons I guess...personally, I think much less of the Johns than the prositutes!
Alcohol?:Okay in moderation... unfortunately though for many it is not used in moderation... and just like any other addiction it ruins countless lives...very Sad...
Marijuana?:Smoke it out of peer pressure but didn't like it in my teens.. in my twenties I enjoyed smoking it by myself and listening to some mellow music.. now, got no use for it.
Other drugs?:Are a waste of life, Never had to try most of 'em to tell you that.. I've seen first hand what they've done to some of my friends... a STUPID way to rot your brain!
Gay marriage?:Its not my life. I have no problem with people living the lives they see fit to live, and I sure as hell would not want anyone telling me who I could or could not be with
Illegal immigrants?:To me its the same as all the outsourceing going on.. either way rich assholes are getting richer by stiffing americans and getting shit done cheaper by poor foreigners
Smoking?:Did it for 7 years.. still want them sometimes.but its only cause I'm still addicted. Tobbacco company's are the devil and all the rich fuckers in them should die of cancer!!
Drunk driving?:possibly the most selfish and stupid thing someone could do.. if you wanna kill yourself FINE! but you have no heart or soul if you would risk taking innocent people with you
Cloning?:We should know better than to fuck with God's creation... but of course we human beings always like to think and pretend we are God so it doesn't come as a surprise...
Racism?:Pure IGNORANCE and STUPIDITY! I have no tolerance for racist people.. they need to get their heads out of their asses and start seeing whats going on.. Its pure hate...
Premarital sex?:It happens.. its always happened.. and it always will happen. maybe its right, maybe its wrong... I don't know..
Religion?:I perfer spirituallity.. it takes away the dogma and doctrine and places more emphasis on the human experience with the divine..
The war in Iraq?:Bullshit and Greed.. our poor children are going to come back fried.,. and their poor children are being murdered... its all sick!
Bush?:Evil Bastard...
Downloading music?:its a moral grey area....I cannot claim innocence there ;)
The legal drinking age?:its fine i guess.. its the legal enlisting age that should be upped.. but of course they want'm young.. easier to brainwash, mold, and control
Porn?:I understand its purpose.. can't claim to have never watched and enjoyed it...the size of the industry defiently just goes to show how animalistic human beings truely are!
Suicide?:Selfish and cowardly... I don't know about anyone else but I'm never gonna roll over and let life beat me down.. fuck that!

alright.. I'm really gonna stop procrastinating now and leave! lol! PEace ..

Friday, August 25, 2006

one step closer...

Current mood: indescribable

I was listening to an album I haven't listened to in some months, at work yesterday
strange how music affects the heart.. the mind.. I have a feeling there may be some
music that, though I love it with all my heart, I'm gonna have a really hard time listening
to for a very long time.. possibly forever... it reminds me of too much pain... I'm not one
to purposely torure myself reliving heartbreak... But right now it's necessary.. The only way
I can keep myself together and be strong like I need to be is to be Angry... to be determined...
make myself keep remembering the Hell that I let myself be put though.. for love. I need
to keep refreshing my anger at the person who abused the crap outta me, emotionally,
physically, and mentally... the one who pushed all the limits to see what I'd let him get
away with...
I should have never let my boundaries slip with you to begin with... The thing
is... I don't want you anymore... I miss you sometimes.. the bits of you that are good
and kind and caring... but I don't miss the paranoia.. The abusive words.. accusations
I don't miss the feeling of your hand across my face.. I don't miss having someone twice
my size holding me down and yelling nonsense in my face... I know how your mind works
at this point.. I know you justify these things.. I know you think you had reasons to be that
way but the reality is: you did not. Worse, even if you had... It still makes you much less
of a man that you could treat someone like that.. especially someone you claimed over and
over to love. I spent so much of our relationship trying to figure out what I was doing wrong
to get you to behave like that... how SICK is that.. I blamed myself for YOUR actions and
allowed you to keep pushing me further and further down.......but its life, and I realize that
now... I understand more of my fellow human beings now... I have been the "abused woman"
now.. I know how it happens.. I know how it feels... and maybe in time I will have reason to
know... every hurt.. ever wound.. every scar is a new way to relate.. to empathize with yet
another broken and lost soul wandering out there... every scar teaches me more and more
how to love others despite their flaws... When we are covered in our own scars it is hard to
judge and condem others for theirs....
I don't hate You. I never will... In spite of who you are I see who you could be, or could
have been... I see what is meant to be in your heart.. And for that I love you. BUT, you will
NEVER come back in through this door.. this heart is closed to you. You forced me to slam it
shut one too many times and there is NO going back... I went to childbirth class last night
with my mom... its hard... its hard seeing other women with their mate by their side.. the
partner that they created a life with.. there to experience it together... to welcome the new
little being into the world as a family.. its hard... it breaks my heart that my son will not
have that family.. not a father who is his own flesh and blood... But I am Strong. I have always
been a strong woman and with every trial this life brings me I only grow stronger. I will never
let someone beat me down. Because of you, I have raised my standards, raised the bar again
and because of the little boy I will soon be showing the example of how to live I have raised
the bar even higher... any man in my life from here on out will serve as a role model to my son,
wether he knows, or likes it or not... And from here on out, only men that I can be proud to
stand by will be by my side... I am in no hurry... I have a little boy on the way who is going to
need all of my love, all of my caring... all of my time.. and NOTHING and NOONE is going to
distract me from that. SO to you who played a small role in this creation I carry about: You have
nothing to prove.. and I have nothing left to say... Its all been said before... Take your justifications
for the ways you are and go.... you will NEVER be allowed to do to our son the things your father
did to you.. and you will NEVER again do to me the things your father did to your mother. The
CYCLE is broken and so long as I am (or anyone in my family for that matter is) breathing, my
child will never be close enough to you to be hurt in any way... You know how stubborn I am...
My son is now my life's work.. my greatest accomplishment.. my miracle... and with God as my
witness, he will not be another abusive, controling, jealous, angry, and disturbed man.... He will
be everything you could have been.. and more....
So please, I ask you again to GO... take your fantasies... your righteous words that so ironically
apply almost exclusively to you.... you have an unfathomable amount of other girls in the world
to fool.. to lure in with your charm, your "just right" words about God and life that YOU DO NOT
LIVE by... and your green eyes complete with solar systems.... Take it elsewhere.... This heart..
This body.. This Soul... This Woman... This Door is Closed.
On that note... these wound that were ripped open are still healing a little more everyday.. and
though some moments it easy to lose perspective and feel like everything is wrong.. Some days
I start feeling like my life is over.. all the things I dreamed of having.. being.. doing.. and seeing
are forever removed from my reach.... some moments I forget how free I really am...I have never
been more blessed...With the support and love of my parents.. my brothers and sisters (both
biological and in spirit) I am feeling stonger and more aware and awake every day... I know I have
said it before but Thank you so much to all of you who have been there to lift my spirits, hold my hand,
shoulder my burdens, and dry my tears... you are all forever in the prayers spoken by my heart.

Heres to another day of growth and another day of strengthening my soul... another day of journeying
closer to the answers I've spent my whole life seeking... Heres to Truth... to the truth which will always
be revealed in the end... heres to the newest members of the human race, all our hope rests
with them, teach them well... heres to God... heres to Life.
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm right across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
Currently listening:
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
By U2
Release date: 23 November, 2004

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hey there Mrs Brown! Turn that frown upside down! ;)

Current mood: content

Things that suck:

-Sitting on the side of a busy highway with a flat tire after working all day... with everything to fix the flat except a freaking Jack cause you left it in your ex's car....

-having to wait almost 2 hours for roadside service to find someone to fix said flat tire... and watching the sky growing increasingly darker and darker.... having no flashlight and no clue when help will arrive..

-People who don't get it, even when told something a million times.

-Drunk idiotic beligerant customers who behave so poorly in public that they need to be told to get out of my store.

- Having balloons for feet and ankles

-Drinking pure Glucose 1st thing in the AM and experienceing the joys of a sugar crash all freaking afternoon!

-Stepping on a scale when you're 6 1/2 months pregnant and seeing the damage done by substituting eating for smoking.... :(

THINGS that do the opposite of suck:

-Growing a wittle baby :))))))))

-Having a great group of employees to run my business when I'm not in... so I can actually take a day or two off a week without all hell breaking loose or half my inventory being stolen.

-Having great employees, a clean, well organized store, and basically something I can work with to be successful at this job and not have to pull out my hair or live under a heavy heavy pile of stress (my new store ROCKS, and my crew ROCKS, and soon my paycheck will ROCK!)

-Fruity cheerios (So artificially fruity and sooooo good!)

-Wendy's buffalo ranch sauce (on any sort of chicken.. or french fries)

-Painting my room and finally moving into my own space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Weekends off with kickass, awesome plans, and one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world to hang out wit!


Sunday, August 13, 2006

what if...

Current mood: sad

talked on the phone today to one of my truest dearest friends... I cried when I hung up... called back to say what I really meant... so hard to be so far away from one who means so much to your heart... Strange the places you find yourself in life... all the twists and turns.. choices.. and words you can look back upon.. seeing how far you've come since yet another fork in the road.. I wonder.. does it ever get any easier to just keep looking forward.. not wondering "what if???" ... I wouldn't give up the life growing within me right now for anything... but some moments I can help wondering.. what if I never walked away?? As immature as we were..... We were closer and our love was more real and honest than any other I've seen or felt... as many times as we found our way into each others arms throughout the years.. and fell back away just as many times... what if that last time had never ended... what if the lives we are now each bringing and have brought into this world individually were one and the same... what if???? who knows where this life is leading, mine or his... but I hope he knows that there is a part of my heart that has always been and always will be his... and that no matter where lives lead.. there'll probably always be a place inside me that wishes I had taken the other path on that fork in the road so long ago.... what if....

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Be sure when you step, Step with care & great tact & remember that Lifes a Great Balancing act.

Current mood: cheerful

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.


You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)


be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

---Dr. Seuss

Monday, August 7, 2006

poor rocky :(

Current mood: sleepy

Hello all..

a few things... I ran over a raccoon on my way home from work tonight :( I tried to avoid him...slammed on the brakes and if I could swerved I would have..but I had a car next me and so if I had.. it woulda been my life instead of the raccoon's.... sooo.. I know it was totally unavoidable but I still felt like complete ass afterwards... sooo sad :(

second.. got another promotion..this one is permanant not a temp position.. so rock on me! :) Mucho more money.. mucho more responsiblity... and I think I get to go to a national conference being held out in Vegas now, go me! go me! :) cool shit, never been to nevada so that rocks! I'm not gonna get too psyched yet cause I still have to ask my doctor if I'm allowed to fly this late in pregnancy.. and I have to get confirmation from my district manager on wether or not I'm booked to go or not... I officially begin my new job on wednesday.. wish me luck!!

Third... I don't know why.. but the past few weeks I have been damn near obsessed with my own mortality.... I haven't been this concious of how easily a life can end since I was a kid..... strange.. I'm not usually one to dwell on death or to think about all the things that could go wrong while driving, or just day to day life.. that could end a life *like that*... Being pregnant... bringing a brand new life into the world... it does some crazy shit to your mind... Suddenly I am so scared that something is gonna happen to me a) while pregnant.. or b) once he is born.. and I'll leave him with no parent... The thought of leaving my son behind absolutely fucking terrifies me... I want to be around to make sure he is raised with values, purpose, love... I know my parents would do an awesome job if they had to... but... I dunno... its probably ridiculous to dwell on what if's and I don't want to ever be one of those people who can't leave her house for fear of something traumatic happening... Having a responsibility to another life is just making me much more aware.. I really need to stop speeding... one of these mornings I'm just make a promise to myself... if I'm running late I'm just gonna have to be late to work.. and thats it.... Even worse than my own mortality.. My poor child is not even born yet and I'm already freaking out about all the ways something could happen to him... shopping for baby stuff I can't stop looking for all the ways he could hurt himself.. I spent several hours today on the internet looking up safety ratings for car seats.. high chairs.. cribs... and cars.... my car is a death trap apparently.. which really sucks ass.. I DEFINETLY need a new car before this baby is born..... AGGHHHHH

...I need to stop or I'm gonna make myself crazy... I think the next three months is largely going to consist of working.. and trying to accept that some things I will have NO control over in my child's life... and coming to grips with my mortality.... I guess that this is one of those areas of life that as we mature we simply need to learn to place in God's and death sure as hell ain't in our hands to begin with so best to just accept that God's got the reins............................

On that note.. I am sleepy... Have a peaceful night my friends..

Saturday, August 5, 2006


Current mood: cheerful

in my email...

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly
jar from its hiding place in the closet.

She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully.
Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance
here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on
the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some
attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,"he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered
back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."

" I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

" His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help
you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will
get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know
he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

" How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly.

"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven
cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place. That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle.
I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle dollar and eleven cents .... plus the faith of a little child..

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need..
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation
of a higher law.. I know you'll keep the ball moving!

Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together
like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see
is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.

Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you.


When you are sad.....I will dry your tears.
When you are scared......I will comfort your fears.
When you are worried.....I will give you hope.
When you are confused......I will help you cope.
And when you are lost....And can't see the light, I shall be your
beacon.....Shining ever so bright.

This is my oath.....I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?.....Because you're my friend.

Signed: GOD

Wednesday, August 2, 2006


Current mood: hot

Holy Moly! It is hotter than I'd imagine hell to be out there! My 20 minute commute nearly cooked me and the bun in the oven ;) its enough to make a pregnant lady curl up on the couch in the airconditioning and sleep... maybe ask my mother to bring me some icecream... ah well I'd love to, but my work clothes are becoming more unwearable by the day.. I don't think I can take one more day of hiking up my pants that keep sliding down under this hugmongous belly o mine and tugging at the botton of my shirt to pull it back over this huge belly o mine not to mention that buttons are threatening to pop open over the baby bulge too.. soo... Hi Ho Hi Ho its maternity shopping I go.. for the third freaking day in a row... After this three day hunt for some decent clothes that fit comfortably... If I never see another department store maternity section again it'll be WAY too soon.. Anyways, thats my pointless wanderings for the time being.. Have a good day everyone, stay cool, stay indoors, or in the shade and drink a few gallons of water!! PEACE!


tupperware and the meaning of life...

Current mood: contemplative

The musings of my mind after 2 days off and way too much time to think... lol :)...

So here I am... 25 years old and single with a baby on the way in a short 3 months.... Strange the way life twists and turns.. everytime I think my convictions and my ideals for life cannot be shaken I am faced yet again with another situation in which something that I "stand for" is tested.... I HATE corporate America.. I HATE consumerism.. I hate the walmarts, GM, AOLtimeWarner, and GAP's of the world.. in my mind and in my eyes (more and more as I see the silent destruction they leave in their wake) I see that the big money corporations of the world are at the root of almost as many of the evils and injustices done to poor people of this world as are some of the worst governments of the world.... and yet.. at this time in my life I find myself working for such a corporation.. not out of want but out of the sheer necessity of it... when I had no mouth to feed but my own it was different... I could scrape by on 5 dollars a day if I had to.. I've done it before and coulda done it for all my days if need be.. to stick to my guns... so how do I do this now.. how do I happily report to work as a corporate shit eater.... and smile and tell the yuppies in their dockers that walk thorugh the door that the ridiculous amount of money they are wasting on some unnecessary overpriced imported crap is not only justified but that perhaps they should purchase two "just in case"... I've been doing that all summer... half heartedly.. and trying with every ounce of me to not lose my sense of self and my hard won perspective on the world and on life... and now I am about to add another job into the mix... this one is my only hope at the moment of having an income and being able to spend time with my child once he's born.. and I'd be foolish to turn my nose up at it... but the thought of *gulp...* peddling TUPPERWARE.... it turns my stomach... I know that to some of you my friends that sounds ridiculous and I know that to some of you, I am selling out... but in my own heart I know that I am doing what I have to do for the sake of my child and I... and I find a small amount of solace in that...

I was talking to my mother today.... and I got to thinking.... it seems the older I get.. the more I find myself questioning wether or not I even know anything for all the years I've been here.... Everytime I think I've got life figured out enough to not be taken by surprise again.. the universe shifts and I suddenly find myself faced with yet another situation that I've never seen and haven't the slightest idea how to proceed with.. and somehow by the grace of God I stumble down some narrow path out of the woods.. only to find yet another forest... or a bit of fog... or nighttime setting in... I'm becoming more and more convinced that life is simply a series of brief glimpses of light spread out amongst long periods of time where you can't see further than the hand in front of your face.... I dunno... and from all I can tell I don't think we're meant to know... life seems to be like the ultimate joke.. maybe the only point of it all is to see who can deal with all the twists, turns, bumps, blind spots, and moments of being completely lost and still come out smiling at the end of the road...

I must be a bit crazy... TUPPERWARE for me is a good enough reason to go off on philisophical wanderings regarding the meaning of life.... oh well...

I may not be where I thought I'd be, or even anywhere near where I thought I was going on this path... but yah know what???

I'm STILL smiling! :D