Wednesday, January 31, 2007


Current mood: depressed

complications of times long gone by..

Sometimes I sound off..
with such convictions
almost as a religious fundamentalist
as if I've got it broken down... and by the balls...
so to speak...
other times I fear
it is just pretend...
maybe I'm still 7 years old... like the first one I remember...
birth came and went... and again and again..
Time, like always: it passes,
questions still unanswered
life i fear escapes me
and I'm still standing here

and if I'm being honest...

I cannot shake your face
and the days long gone away
creeping into my nights
my day-mares...
like a twisted and crippled creature...
always lurking...
how fucked up does it make me..
that I'm still not over you..
that you are in my thoughts every day
that I love our child more
because he is a piece of you...
and how terrified does it leave me..
that I related so well..
to one so mad...
that I miss you still...

and you... and you..
we've been round in circles
many times before...
it'll never be what I'd dream
or you'd dream... but it haunts us just the same..
and again I watch your back grow smaller...
crying for surely not the last time...
and I know you'll call
and I know I'll write
maybe a visit now and then..
but life is here and we are there
and there'll never be another
meteor shower in JP again...

... tears still fall over what was raped from me..
torn from my womb as a sheet of scrap paper....
It'll never be the same... that moment in time I've lost..
shaking I lay on the cold hard table...
unable to feel... the scalpel or about the first cries of his life......
Shaking I lay....and thought only of me...
The boy they kept in a clear box.. taken from me...
hours passed...
as he waited...
shaking I lay...

and late at night when its quiet
and I play it over in my mind..
shaking I lie...
and still I cry...

I wrote a poem once upon a paper....
it read very fears of becoming my mother...
now it seems I may be on the threshold of that door...
do I really mind it all that much???
Now that I see so much we share...
Maybe what bothers me most is not what
room I am walking into.. so much as the one
I've left behind....

theres a place inside me thats grown
puts me behind my little ones needs..
but still I cannot slay this monster
that wants to hand him off.. put him down..
walk away... off to more unimportant things..
off to paint and knit my way
right into a neglected little boy
is this me... or am I far to harsh..
I know not my friends...

I only know how much I want to RUN... but I know not how.... I have no where to go... and I have yet to find out why....

I only know how quick I am to point fingers...
name names... to settle on my verdict...
I know the times that words as foul as vomit
have spilled forth from my own mouth...
I know the statements I've chased
as they flew from my tounge.. too late to catch them
too late...

must I always realize the time was now
just a minute too late..

Currently listening:
Happy Baby Series: Beatles for Babies
By Various Artists
Release date: 28 September, 1999

Monday, January 22, 2007

Big Brother... should be wearing cloth diapers!

Current mood: determined

So I don't know if its my over active imagination which loves to indulge conspiracy theorys... or if this is something anyone else notices.. but the "sponsors ads" which pop up on myspace on my homepage now seem incredibly tailored to what could be seen as my personal interests... spirituality, natural and hippie shit, and parenting stuff... It kinda makes me wanna uncheck all the checked facts on my profile... "proud parent, christian other... etc"... I'm finding it all a bit creepy... *sigh* but then again I guess its not all that far out that big bro could very well be watching us all....

speaking of hippie natural shit... my newest and greatest scheme ( because of course everyone knows that I've always got my latest and greatest idea which I become completely obsessed with.. until the next GREAT idea ;))... is *DRUM ROLL........................* DIAPERS!!!!!!! maybe this mom thing is starting to somehow seep into my brain but lately I have developed this facination with all things cloth diaper related... (If any of you doubt how deep this obsession has run... ask my family how much time I've spent on ebay and browsing the web the past week or two searching for diapers, wool soakers, knitting patterns, handsewn covers and so cute crochet wraps (with adorable witte bees buzzing around on the bum!!! lol) ANyways.. on to the relevant part before my boy wakes up and I am forced to cut this short by his pleas for a feeding and some cuddling (not that I mind!), My Idea: I want to make and sell diapers... many many different diapers... some from knitting.. some from organic and some from cheap yarn... some plain some in interesting and funky color schemes.. but mostly I want to scour thrift shops and garage sales (and yes even my own closet and attic) for lonely and abandoned sweaters, T shirts, and flannel shirts that are no longer living in happiness.... And breathe some new life into them.. give them a reason to live again... an adorable little baby butt and all its poopy and glory :) (translated for those of you without a flair for the dramatics: I want to recycle old clothes to make new diapers.) I was attempting to start a business revolving around all sorts of natural and organic baby and maternity products... but so far it has not shown much potential for profit... rather it is draining my funds rapidly... and time is of the essence this year.. I NEED to have a solid business up and running... or at least on the upswing by this time next year.... I NEED it... I cannot bear the thought of having to go back to slinging espresso or selling cell phones 40 to 48 hours a week and paying someone else a fortune to have the pleasure of raising MY beautiful baby... I want to be able to be around to see all of Lennon's growing up... and I really would love to homeschool him... I need to find the way I'm going to support my new family for our future.. and so I can stop mooching off my poor parents asap!! So... hopefully this diaper thing will be my ticket to freedom (or at least will keep me from slavery a bit longer...) and hopefully it is something that will still seem realistic and doable once the initial euphoria and opptimisim, that comes from my grand ideas, wears off.... time will tell. wish me luck.. and if any of you need some diapers... or if anyone wants to donate some wool sweaters or flannel shirts..... you know where to find me!!!! Read on for some VERY interesting diaper facts..

Why choose cloth diapers? There are so many reasons. Cloth diapers are soft against your baby's skin. Cloth diapers are also free of the many chemicals contained in disposable diapers. Our common sense tells us that cloth diapers are the ultimate in recycling because they are used again and again, not entering a landfill until they are nothing but rags. Of course, some people want more than this common sense approach--they want facts. Here are a few well-documented facts to help inform your choice.


Disposable diapers contain traces of Dioxin, an extremely toxic by-product of the paper-bleaching process. It is a carcinogenic chemical, listed by the EPA as the most toxic of all cancer-linked chemicals. It is banned in most countries, but not the U.S..

Disposable diapers contain Tributyl-tin (TBT) - a toxic pollutant known to cause hormonal problems in humans and animals.

Disposable diapers contain sodium polyacrylate, a type of super absorbent polymer (SAP), which becomes a gel-like substance when wet. A similar substance had been used in super-absorbancy tampons until the early 1980s when it was revealed that the material increased the risk of toxic shock syndrome.

In May 2000, the Archives of Disease in Childhood published research showing that scrotal temperature is increased in boys wearing disposable diapers, and that prolonged use of disposable diapers will blunt or completely abolish the physiological testicular cooling mechanism important for normal spermatogenesis.


In 1988, over 18 billion diapers were sold and consumed in the United States that year.4 Based on our calculations (listed below under "Cost: National Costs"), we estimate that 27.4 billion disposable diapers are consumed every year in the U.S.

The instructions on a disposable diaper package advice that all fecal matter should be deposited in the toilet before discarding, yet less than one half of one percent of all waste from single-use diapers goes into the sewage system.

Over 92% of all single-use diapers end up in a landfill.

In 1988, nearly $300 million dollars were spent annually just to discard disposable diapers, whereas cotton diapers are reused 50 to 200 times before being turned into rags.

No one knows how long it takes for a disposable diaper to decompose, but it is estimated to be about 250-500 years, long after your children, grandchildren and great, great, great grandchildren will be gone.5

Disposable diapers are the third largest single consumer item in landfills, and represent about 4% of solid waste. In a house with a child in diapers, disposables make up 50% of household waste.5

Disposable diapers generate sixty times more solid waste and use twenty times more raw materials, like crude oil and wood pulp.3

The manufacture and use of disposable diapers amounts to 2.3 times more water wasted than cloth.3

Over 300 pounds of wood, 50 pounds of petroleum feedstocks and 20 pounds of chlorine are used to produce disposable diapers for one baby EACH YEAR.6

In 1991, an attempt towards recycling disposable diapers was made in the city of Seattle, involving 800 families, 30 day care centers, a hospital and a Seattle-based recycler for a period of one year. The conclusion made by Procter & Gamble was that recycling disposable diapers was not an economically feasible task on any scale.17

Dryness and Rash

The most common reason for diaper rash is excessive moisture against the skin.

Newborns should be changed every hour and older babies every 3-4 hours, no matter what kind of diaper they are wearing.

At least half of all babies will exhibit rash at least once during their diapering years.

Diaper rash was almost unheard of before the use of rubber or plastic pants in the 1940s.

There is no significant difference between cloth and disposables when it comes to diaper rash.

There are many reasons for rash, such as food allergies, yeast infections, skin sensitivity, chafing, and chemical irritation. Diaper rash can result from the introduction of new foods in older babies. Some foods raise the frequency of bowel movements which also can irritate. Changes in a breastfeeding mother's diet may alter the baby's stool, causing rash.


We estimate that each baby will need about 6,000 diapers during the first two years of life. The following estimates are based on prices in San Francisco, California.

Disposables. For these calculations, let's assume that a family needs about 60 diapers a week. In the San Francisco Bay area, disposable diapers cost roughly 23¢ per store-brand diaper and 28¢ for name-brand. This averages to 25.5¢ per diaper. Thus the average child will cost about $1,600 to diaper for two years in disposable diapers, or about $66 a month.

Diaper Services. Subscribing to a diaper services costs between $13 and $17 each week depending on how many diapers a family decides to order. Let's assume the family spends roughly $15 a week for 60 diapers a week. This equals $780 annually and averages to $65 a month. Over the course of two years, the family will spend about $1500 per baby, roughly the same cost as disposables, depending on what type of covers are purchased and what type of wipes are used. If one adds in the cost of disposable wipes for either diapering system, the costs increase.

Cloth Diapers. For cloth diapering, each family will probably need about 6 dozen diapers. The cost of cloth diapering can vary considerably, from as low as $300 for a basic set-up of prefolds and covers, to $1000 or more for organic cotton fitted diapers and wool covers. Despite this large price range, it should be possible to buy a generous mix of prefolds and diaper covers for about $300, most of which will probably last for two children. This means the cost of cloth diapering is about one tenth the cost of disposables, and you can spend even less by using found objects (old towels & T-shirts).

National Costs. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there were about 19 million children under four in 2000. We could probably assume that there are about 9.5 million children under two and therefore in diapers at any one time. Based on previous studies, we estimate that 5-10% of babies wear cloth diapers at least part time. We will average these figures to 7.5% of babies in cloth diapers and 92.5% in disposables. This means that about 8.8 million babies in the U.S. are using 27.4 billion disposable diapers every year13.

Based on these calculations, if we multiply the 8.8 million babies in disposable diapers by an average cost of $800 a year, we find that Americans spend about 7 billion dollars on disposable diapers every year. If every one of those families switched to home-laundered cloth prefold diapers, they would save more than $6 billion, enough to feed about 2.5 million American children for an entire year. Coincidentally, the 2002 U.S. Census reveals that 2.3 million children under 6 live in poverty.


Myth #1 - Cloth Diapers Are Expensive…

It is estimated that using disposable diapers can cost you between two and three thousand dollars per child, from birth to potty training. That is an astounding amount of money to spend on what is essentially garbage. Cloth diapers, however, are much cheaper in the long run, even if the initial investment is more. Assuming that you will not be sewing your own diapers…it is entirely possible to cloth diaper a child for 3 years for $100-300 dollars. These diapers will likely last for one or more subsequent children as well. Do the math…the numbers don't lie.

Myth #2 - Cloth Diapers Smell…

Cloth diapers do not smell any more then a disposable diaper does. The smell that emanates from a cloth diaper thrown in a diaper pail can not be more offensive then a soiled disposable diaper thrown in a garbage can. Innovative new diaper pails and odor controlling accoutrements in a variety of sweet smelling fragrances have eliminated this problem entirely. Odors are also held at bay by using a dry pail method for storing soiled diapers, where diapers are not left to sit in stagnant and possibly malodorous water. With these new advances, there are no reasons why cloth diapers need to "smell".

Myth #3 - Cloth Diapers Are Hard to Care For…

Many cloth diapering parents have adopted a dry pail method of storage. This means that they simply remove a soiled diaper, dispose of any solid waste by dumping it in the toilet, and then toss the diaper in a diaper pail until laundry day. While some cloth diaper users may still rinse diapers in a toilet or sink before putting them in the pail or perhaps soak them in a wet pail before laundering, these methods are not necessary. A no rinse, dry pail method has been proven to be just as effective.

Using cloth diapers will usually only mean another 1-3 loads of laundry a week. This should not represent a significant difference in workload on laundry days. Putting cloth diapers outside on a line to dry will not only alleviate some of this work, but it will also help conserve energy and work to "sun" out any stains that washing did not get rid of. All things considered, it is no more difficult to clean cloth diapers then it is to clean any other clothing types.

Myth #4 - Cloth Diapers Are Not Sanitary…

Cloth diapers need to be clean, plain and simple. They do not need to be absolutely sterile. Most adults probably do not find it necessary to sterilize their underpants, so laundering cloth diapers should be sufficient to ensure that they are clean and ready for use. Diapers should be washed with hot water and then dried in a dryer or on the line outside. Both of these drying mechanisms, providing either heat from the dryer or heat from the sun, will actually help to sterilize the diapers and kill any lingering bacteria that may be present. They should sufficiently clean and acceptable to diaper your baby with.

Myth #5 - Washing Cloth Diapers Wastes Electricity and Water

This argument is truly baffling. Washing cloth diapers does require water and energy usage, yes. However, advancing technology in washing machines and dryers has helped tremendously to keep the energy and water usage to a minimum. Even if you are washing cloth diapers with the oldest and most archaic washing and drying machines, the water and energy output in washing a few loads of diapers a week is infinitesimal compared to the energy wasted on disposable diapers.

Just consider the energy and fossil fuels used to cut down and transport thousands of trees to make the paper pulp used in a disposable diaper, not to mention the devastation this causes to our national forests. Water and energy are then used to create this paper pulp and bleach it. Even more energy is used to make the outer plastic shells and then assemble the diaper. These diapers are then packaged in plastic wrappings and put in cardboard boxes, which also had to be specially made for transporting these diapers. It doesn't end there, however; these diapers are then transported from the factory all over the country and all over the world using trains, trucks, and cargo planes, so that they can be delivered to the stores that sell them to the public. No doubt, more energy is wasted by the consumer who must drive to and from these stores to make their purchase. To make matters worse, these consumers use up theses diapers and throw them away, essentially throwing their money in the garbage as well. The garbage must then be transported to a landfill using even more energy and fuel. This energy consumption is never ending. Cloth diaper users reduce, reuse, and recycle. Can any disposable diaper users claim that?

Myth #6 - Cloth Diapers Leak…

Cloth diapers today come in many different styles and are made with a wondrous array of fabric and absorbency levels. Even parents of children who are very heavy wetters are sure to find a diaper that works for them if they search hard enough. Parents must consider though that disposable diapers are made with chemicals that allow them to be super absorbent and act as a high-volume portable toilet. Yes, disposable diapers may hold in more urine but is that really a good thing? The holding capacity of disposable diapers seems to be breeding laziness and unrealistic expectations in many parents. We should not lulled into the thinking that a diaper should last through several urinations before it is changed, simply because it inconvenient to change diapers every 2-3 hours or less. When a diaper is soiled or wet it needs to be changed…end of story. If diapers are changed immediately after they become soiled or wet, then leaks are rarely a problem.

Currently watching:
Vanilla Sky
Release date: 21 May, 2002

Saturday, January 13, 2007


Current mood: melancholy

I wonder if it ever gets any easier to watch someone you love very much crying as if their heart is breaking... and knowing that nothing you can say or do can change what is.... Reminds me of a saying I once heard.. something like "The only one who can make you better when you are crying is the one who made you cry to begin with"... I have known this person 25 years and have never seen him cry... I think tonight may have been one of the saddest moments of my life... I cannot say anymore at the moment... and you will never read this, but my heart goes out to you and I hope you will keep it somewhere in your mind tonight that time heals all wounds...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

revelations and resolutions

Current mood: artistic

My revelations on life, on motherhood, on finally growing up, and my new years resolution:

My new years resolution I decided today is to stop shopping at the corporate retail wastelands of the world..... I been putting it off for a long time, thinkin I can't afford it.. I keep buying these crappy clothes that I don't really like but I settle for them cause they are inexpensive... yah know what, usually throughout my life I have ended up with at least twice as many clothing items as I truely need.. and I don't like most of them so I don't wear them, and if you tally up all the 10 to 20 dollar items i purchase from the walmarts and old navys of the world, i probably spend (at least) just as much or more as i would if i just purchased the handmade, ecofriendly, beautiful stuff that I REALLY LOVE! same with the baby clothes.. I do laundry just about every day as it is... so i'm thinkin wouldn't it make more sense to just buy the organic, hemp, beautiful handmade stuff that I'd much rather put on my angel's little sensitive body and have only 10 different outfits that I can was when need be than to buy 40 or 50 clearance rack items made by baby gap??? I'm trying to switch over to cloth diapers right now too.... I been talkin bout trying to make certain lifestyle changes for years and I feel like its time to just start takin the plunge in as many ways as I can....
I know some of my friends and family think I'm totally nucking futs for desiring a nutty crunchy lifestyle... but I have always thought nothing would be better than growing my own food and trade food with others who do the same.. all the while wearing clothes made by a human being who put time and love into it... washing with natural homemade soap.... walking where I need to or riding a bicycle... maybe taking a bus or driving my car VERY infrequently... I could keep going on and on with this daydream all the way to producing my own energy with waterwheels or windmills.... *sigh* maybe I shoulda been born amish... or maybe I should go find myself a hippie I know its been a long while since I wrote a blog.. but this mothering thing I'm doin is inspiring me in so many ways.... and making me grow up in many others... I'm starting to realize that life is gonna go whichever way its gonna go... in many ways its like being on a rollercoaster blindfolded... just because we can't see the track doesn't mean its not going where its supposed to go.. maybe I'll never live the dreams I've dared to dream.. maybe I won't get to raise my children while trotting the globe... maybe Lennon won't get to grow up living an unconventional life in africa traveling around helping provide humanitarian aid... learning the invaluable lessons of love, compassion, and even survival outside the comforts of microwave ovens... without a television or video game in sight.....maybe.. . maybe not...
I love my family and I know how much they love me and my son.... If my mother felt or feels even a tenth for me of the intensity of love that I feel for the little soul that I've ushered into the world than I can very much understand how scared and sad she must feel or have felt when I speak of leaving this ara.. this state or country... or when I hopped into a car with a boyfriend who was a few bolts short of a nut and headed for the pacific...
Being a mother has made me realize more than a few things... I may or may not spend the rest of my short little life in Connecticut... or the USA... but either way I will try my best to be happy and content with the cards I am dealt... If I do go elsewhere, wether it be massachusetts, northern california, south africa, or fiji, it will be with a purpose... not just to run away from this place or this person that I am.... I've finally discovered that will be exactly the same person wether I am here or 3000 miles from this place I've grown up in. Distance will not change me, my faults will still be there clear as day to everyone but myself if I choose to stay blind to that which keeps me down... Those horrors that keep arising in the situations I place myself in will continue no matter my location... You cannot run from yourself... Maybe its not connecticut I despise... maybe it is parts of myself and I only blame connecticut and its inhabitants for bringing them to the surface... People are people no matter where they live or what language they speak... greed, selfishness, hate, anger... these live all over the globe.. as do selflessness, joy, compassion, and love... no place is perfect just as no person is...maybe I need to change myself instead of my zipcode...
I would love to see the things I've only seen on the discovery channel and in national geographic.. I would love to live in an exotic location... learn many many languages and have the opportunity to love and care for many different people all over the earth... but I also would love to have a relationship with my family that some folks never have the opportunity to experience.. anyone can travel.. stick out their thumb and hop a train... everyone can live anywhere they choose.... not everyone gets a family full of beautiful people and the chance to have REAL relationships with those they share the same blood and have grown up with. Maybe the only travels I will do are the travels that one can only do within the heart and mind of another human being... my son... my mom and dad... my brothers or my sisters... and the friends I choose to surround myself with. Maybe its time to leave behind childish dreams and exchange them with the dreams of my child... dreams for my child... I can think of no better people to teach him the lessons of life and love than his grandparents and aunts and uncles... as for my desires to live a life au naturale.. maybe I'll have to content myself with living as true to myself and mothernature as I can be within the means I have.... maybe with each passing year I'll be able to come closer and closer to the simple life I want.... or maybe I'll only ever come as close as the burts bees soaps I currently use... the cloth sacks I bring to the grocery store.. the handmade clothes I'd like to buy... and the naturally inspiring toys and games, crafts and instruments I'll provide to my son.... Maybe instead of focusing my energy on trying to find my way out of this place I'll focus on FINDING MY WAY in this place... making the best life I can for my son.. If the opportunity arises someday and if there is a purpose for me to leave here.. I'm open to it... open to life..but I've come to realize that if it never does its okay. After all, we can only change the world one life at a time. My beautiful, innocent, perfectly uncorrupted unspoilt little son Lennon is my chance to change the world... and HE is all the world I need.

Did You Know?
• In New York City alone, one less grocery bag per person per year would reduce waste by 5 million lbs. and save $250,000 in disposal costs.

• Plastic bags carry 80% of the nation's groceries, up from 5% in 1982.

• When 1 ton of paper bags is reused or recycled, 3 cubic meters of landfill space is saved and 13 - 17 trees are spared!

• In 1997, 955,000 tons of paper bags were used in the United States.

• When 1 ton of plastic bags is reused or recycled, the energy equivalent of 11 barrels of oil are saved.