Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Love and Life

Current mood: grateful

Just thinking... I Love Life. for all its pain all its tears.. all its joy and beauty.....LOVE LOVE LOVE Love it... And for that reason I'd like to share some quotes I found that speak a piece of my heart on the subject... Be well and live life my friends!

"Happy Day!"
-Toby (my 19 month old nephew)

You should always learn, with life comes wisdom and with wisdom comes the courage
to live your life selflessly. The more you learn about yourself and the experiences
surrounding your life the more opportunities you have to make your life better and more fulfilling.
-Amy Candy

Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life.
- Leo Buscaglia

Life in abundance comes only through great love.
- Elbert Hubbard

Life without love is like a tree without blossom and fruit.
- Kahlil Gibran

Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.
- Mahatma Gandhi

All stories teach us something, and promise us something,
whether they're true or invented, legend or fact
- Stewart O'Nan

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein

How could there be any question of acquiring or possessing,
when the one thing needful for a man is to become --
to be at last, and to die in the fullness of his being.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The notion of looking on at life has always been hateful to me.
What am I if I am not a participant? In order to be, I must participate.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I still believe that peace and plenty and happiness can be worked out some way.
I am a fool.
--Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly; Man got to sit and wonder 'why, why, why?'
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land; Man got to tell himself he understand.
--Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Cat's Cradle

Believe in whatever harmless lies make you happy, healthy, brave and kind.
--Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. "Cat's Cradle:"

A thousand men enslaved fear one beast free.
- Victor Hugo

Make your thinking orderly and free from emotional
overtones, and you will see people and things as
they are, with clarity and charity
- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity
--Thomas Henry Huxley

Enlightenment is man's emergence from his self-imposed immaturity.
Immaturity is the inability to use one's understanding without guidance
from another. This immaturity is self-imposed when its cause lies not in
the lack of understanding, but in the lack of resolve and courage to use
it without guidance from another. Have courage to use your own understanding!
--Immanuel Kant (1724-1804)

It is difficult to free fools from the chains they
- Voltaire [Francois-Marie Arouet]

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
--Wilhelm Stekel

Love has no price. It is only love if it is free.
- Melody Beattle

Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you.'
Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you.'
--Erich Fromm

Give others freedom to be themselves. Appreciate
the differences between their ways and yours.
- Unknown

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
-John Lennon

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
-John Lennon

last but not least........

Him that I love, I wish to be Free - Even from me.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Sunday, July 23, 2006

6 months today!

Current mood: enthralled

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE being pregnant! I spent all day today lounging around just hanging out with my baby.. my belly... He moves so much now.. I can sit there for hours and just watch my belly lurch and jump and move along with him... Its funny.. for the longest time while hes been moving its been hard to imagine that it was anything more than a strange fluttery feeling in my lower belly.. Now everyday it becomes more and more obviously strong.. I can almost picture this tiny little person in there stretching and turning and kicking....I started feeling him moving higher up, like belly button level this past week too which was REALLY weird the first time he did it. I was talking to someone at work and all of a sudden It felt like someone was jabbing me lightly in the belly button.. only from the inside! I almost started to laugh!!!... I went out to babys R us yesterday and bought one of those fetal heart listener things... I think his heartbeat is still too quiet to hear over my own pulse and stomach rumblings but hearing him moving around is pretty cool! It made me laugh so much when I first turned it on.. As soon as I put the thing to my belly he kicked really hard and right square on the microphone. I don't think he coulda aimed better if he tried! Anyways.. I'm being one of those silly rambling mothers.. can't help it though...this kid has already got me enamored and completely wrapped around his still unborn fingers! Six months today, only three more to go! time is flying so quickly.. everytime I look at the calender another 4 weeks has passed... crazy! so much still to do before he's little time left... Mostly I just need the few most important things though.. A car that's safe for a baby, diapers, and a finished room for us to live in until I can afford a place of my own.. the rest will come in time... I can't wait to hold my own son in my arms.. but I am trying to relish every moment I can having him inside me... Just gotta get through this week, which'll probably be a 70 hour week or so... but once this week is over I'll probably be going back to 40-45 hour workweeks instead of the 60-65 I've been doing... which will be awesome.. much more time to spend relaxing, spending time with baby, smiling, and getting things ready for his arrival...YAY! anyways... hope everyone had a great weekend, with much relaxing and meditative moments...

Be well!

food for thought (borrowed from a friend's blog...):

"So it is that every person you meet, each soul who crosses your path and affects you - wonderfully and terribly, briefly or for a lifetime - is here for that reason, and every relationship you engage in is but a small scene in a vast, ever-unfolding human panoply that is being endlessly enacted for the purpose of your soul's development. When you recognize this, you will suddenly, breathtakingly see that each person has been brought to you with a high and elegant purpose, that each soul has come to touch your soul and teach it, that each relationship exists to hasten your own soul's beautiful awakening. No longer is anyone a stranger; no longer can any of your relationships be seen as failures or mistakes."
(Daphne Rose Kingma)

Currently reading:
Top 100 Baby Purees: 100 Quick and Easy Meals for a Healthy and Happy Baby
By Annabel Karmel
Release date: 21 March, 2006

Friday, July 21, 2006


Current mood: cheerful


This is actually a pretty decent survey. It asks questions that haven't been asked a thousand times over. It asks questions that aren't obviously from a kid's point of view (in the last month, ever been caught sneakin out?). This survey might actually give your friends a chance to know you better, so please repost and give your friends that chance!

Your Autobiography:

Part 1: how i came to be

Were you a planned baby?: Not by my parents but I'm pretty sure God had an Idea about when to create me :)

Were you the first?: no, 3rd out of 6

Were your parents married when you were born?: yes

What is your birthday?: February 7th... Ultra strange Aquarian ;)

Part 2: My Family

How would you describe your family?: Unique..and bit wierd.. fiesty...opinionated... I Love'em all, and though we all have our similaritys our personalities are all over the map too...

Are your parents married, divorced or separated?: Married 33 years! Together 37! And though they sometimes drive each other up a wall, they're still so in love!

If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: I'm sorta in the middle... middle girl of three but I have to share the middle with my lil brother who is the middle boy... we are 3 and 4 or 6... damn I didn't even get the middle to myself! lol!

Which parent do you get along with best?: My mom, but as I've gotten older my dad and I probably undertand each other MUCH better. They're both pretty cool..

Do you have step parents?: no

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?: yes, I love all of my closest friends each in their own ways.. I don't do "best"

What do you like to do when you are together?: Depends on the mood, depends on the friend, depends on what point in history the question applies to... These days: Talk and walk, or talk and drive, or talk on the phone, a couple of my closest friends live out of state, and one across the country...

Do you share the same interests?: in some aspects yes, in some know... but we have things in common where it counts, how we think, feel and see the world usually is where we mesh..

Which friend can you tell anything to?: My Mom, Madelyn, Fran, Amie, My sisters Krystal and Addi (provided it is age appropriate for Addi, she's only 16!)

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: Mostly high, but like anyone else I do have moments here in there of insecurity.. I'm getting better at loving myself and not playing the comarison game as I get older.. maybe more comfort does come with age...

Do you get depressed about things easily?: I get overwelmed and frusterated which looks similar to depression at times.. sometimes I'l get depressed for a day or two.. but not usually without some very good reasons in my life...

Do you live life to the fullest?: I hope I am, but who or what defines a full life... its all relative to the person. I feel content with the paths I've chose, I have regrets but they aren't usulally dwelled upon.. I have loved I have laughed, I have hated and I have cried... and since full would seem to mean experienced many facets to me....then yes, I think I am...

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?: Yes, being pregnant has its moments of complete "holy shit, is that really my body?!" moments, but I'm pretty comfortable with myself.. and most days and moments I LOVe the way being pregnant makes me look and feel.. what a strange time to feel like a goddess, lol! :)

Do you have any piercings? Just several in each of my ears now.. out grew the belly button one in my early twenties...

How do you dress?: However I feel comfortable.. Its usually random and eclectic, though sometimes I enjoy dressing out of character, and putting on a nice dress, or some preppy ass ensemble...

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?: I coined the phrase ;)

What did you use to love that you no longer do?: Actually I can't think of anything that I genuinely loved in childhood that I don't still love. There are things I can no longer do cause I'm too old and big (ie: slides, and monkey bars) but I still love the concept and idea or them.. and there were things I thought I loved throughout life (or at least told my peers I did) ie: drinking myself stupid.. that I've since realized I prefer not to have anywhere near my life... but anything I truely LOVED I still love.. i guess I'm just a child at heart!

Do you have the same friends? yes I stil have several friends I grew up with...

Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: Of course... those who get close to my heart know the things I've been through, but I am overcoming the worst of them every day more and more... Life is only about 10 percent the bad shit that happens to you, and 90 percent how you deal with it, what you learn, and who you let it change you to be...

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?: To be whoever it is that I am supposed to be.... I think its exactly who I am, just an ever evolving version of me... and to accomplish whatever it is that I was put on this earth to do.. not for me to know, but I guess I'll know wether I failed, or prevailed when I get t o the end, just like everyone else :)

Do you want to get married?: If its what I feel to do.. I believe that marriage is sacred.. I don't make promises that think theres even a change I will have to break.. so If its the right person, and I know that with all my heart then yes.. I'm not into big weddings and crap like that though.. marriage before god and my closest friends is more along my lines...

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?: No, but at times I've bordered on it, and at some point I may try it.. who knows?!

What is your favorite food?: CHEESE :))))

What food makes you want to gag?: Theres nothing I can think of other than maybe some exotic food that consists of bugs or monkey brains... I'll pretty much try anything.. even if it doesn't strike my fancy, it still doesn't make me "gag"

What is your favorite dessert?: Strawberries and blueberries... and maybe a slive of cheesecake... mmmmmm

What is your favorite restaurant?: Macaroni Grill I think...I LOVE their bread.. and their chicken parm is phenomenal.. I once got a job there just for those two "perks"

Are you a fussy eater?: Defiently not.. but when I was little I was.. I once sat with a ham sandwich in front of me for 3 days straight and refused to eat it cause I thought I hated ham...and my parents thought I shouldn't hate ham... :)

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: Single... unless a baby boy in my womb counts!

If taken who is the lucky boy/girl?: None at present...

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: Yes its abolutely amazing....but paradoxically it can also be the worst and most torturous feeling in the world... By far the most INCREDIBLLY powerful emotion we can feel...

Do you believe in love at first sight?: Yes and know.. I believe in intuition that you have to get to know someone.. I believe in a magnetic attraction between two people.. I believe in Infatuation at first sight.. I think that true love takes time to grow.. When you can love and not be needy or try to control another through your words or actions.. then you are in love...

Sunday, July 16, 2006


Current mood: excited

FUCKING AWESOME! One of my best friends on earth just became a daddy!!! He has a boy... I'm an auntie or something =) Sucks though cause he's like 3000 miles away..I wanna see his baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( I'm gonna have to hitchhike out there or hijack an icecream truck or some shit... West Coast, here I come again! Lol...I wish. Ah well, maybe he'll be back out in this neck of the country sometime while the baby is still a baby... we shall see.. Anyways, Just had to announce that to everyone cause I was so freaking excited for him! and cause...I did.. so there. Have a good night everyone, I'm off to bed cause I gotta get up early to go visit Jesus tommorrow morning. PEACE!!!! :)))))

Saturday, July 15, 2006

does this mean I'm getting old??

Current mood: content

Ahhh... a friday summer night! what more could a girl ask for but an industrial strength fan, a tank top, spinach pasta and cheese, a tall glass of OJ, a bottle of water, a couch, a computer, a quiet house, and a baby growing in her belly :) Hope your night is beautiful...

Friday, July 14, 2006

final destination???

Current mood: bored

wow.. for the second morning in a row, i almost died on my way to work this morning.. this is starting to mess with my head!! Yesterday some crazy lady tried to run me off the road (see blog in regards to that..) and this morning. My brakes went out. Luckily I was sitting in the drive thru at Dunkin Donuts and not hauling ass at 75mph on 91.... Anyways.. kinda scared me a bit.. I went to brake and my foot went all the way to the floor with a sort of a woosh sound.. I think either my brake line went, or else master cylinder.. Either way.. it blows, i just got my car back on the road and less than 48 hours later, i'm sitting at home (sweating my ballz off!) with no car again.... Plus I had to leave work early today cause I carpooled wit sarah from the point where my brakes went... I suppose its kinda good cause I probably would been there until close if I hadn't a reason to make me leave.. theres just too damn much to do there and I hardly got anything accomplished today.. oh well... tommorrows another day... I swear to god though... if anything happens tommorrow morning on the way to work that nearly ends my life, I am never getting in a car again!! I feel like I'm stuck in that teeny bopper movie "final destination".. only without the plane crashes, train's hitting cars and teen heartthrobs! LOL.. well hey, i guess if death is after me and its my time then thats the way its gonna be, but i sure hope not! I really like living, and i'd like to get to be a mommy.. plus if anything happens to my baby (even while in utero) I'm gonna have to come back from beyond the grave to kick someones ass... Revenge ressurection or something like that.. anyways, i've gone off on a tangent... and a fairly morbid one for that matter.. so I 'm gonna just stop talking now.

mommy AND auntie! :)

Current mood: ecstatic

oh yeah.. and I am SOOOOOOOOO excited (i think I peed a little! ;) Cause I found out a few days ago...not only am I gonna be a mommy in a few months... but a few months after that I'm gonna be an AUNTIE again! Bad Ass!! I can't wait to get belly pictures together! I'm so excited you are pregnant too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) LOVE YAH SIS!

never lose my faith in humankind...

Current mood: calm

Started off the day today thinking to myself.. "why do people have to be so self centered???" Why is it so hard in some moments not to lose all faith in humankind.... Ended my day on what could have been the same note... Amost got ran off the road this morning.. Damn near scared the crap outta me.. I think that was the closest I've come to my life flashing before my eyes in a LONG time.. And then when I honked my horn at the lady after she almost killed me she flipped me off... I had to fight the urge to drive like a lunatic..cut her off back, and just generally try to out-asshole her... This animalistic part of me so wanted to.. but that quiet voice that never leads me wrong told me to chill out...relax.. and just drive... and so I did... Got to work... the cash drawer was short again... its an everyday occurance.. I wanted to go on the rampage and fire everyone.. just cause I'm sick of trying to figure out which of my employees is a thief and a liar... I didn't though.. I addressed the matter to my higher ups.. wrote up everyone who had worked the shift the drawer was shorted on.. and hopefully continued to show this crew that I mean business and that just cause I'm young, and new doesn't mean they can pull the wool over my eyes or get away with being evil...Anyways.. Got lots done at work today.. finally things are seeming to come together, everyday I get more and more done and I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the I'm finally starting to see a desk underneath the paperwork... I'm still working open to close.. 13 friggin hours.. but Its lookin alot more like I may be able to actually start cutting back to 9 or 10 hour days late next week.. COOL! =) Anyways.. to finish my day I walked out to my car which I just got back on the road and legal yesterday.. and got in and turned the key....and nothing.. no turn over.. no panel nothing.. As it turns out I had left my lights on ALL 13 hours of my day.. It was raining out this morning and I think the fuse for my "idiot chime" must be out..... So then I look up just in time to see my coworkers pulling out of the parking lot.. so I get out of the car and approach one of the only other cars in the lot that has a human being in it.. and ask the lady for a jump.. I'm standing there in a dark parking lot.. very obviously pregnant asking this woman for help and she says to me "I'm sorry, but I'm running late already" and drives off.... so for the second time today I found myself doubting the goodness of humankind.... Luckily one of the guys over at the chinese resturant was kind enough to not only dig out his cables but stick around for me to jump my car too, knowing that at least people there are some nice people like that defiently helped restore some of my faith!! Lastly.. I arrived home to find a really awesome message from one of my friends and like-minded souls on myspace... I love people who get it and aren't afraid to speak of it... God works in mysterious but wonderful ways... I hear his (her?) voice EVERY single day in all those small subtle ways.. from the wisper of my heart to the words of a kindred spirit.. For all the crap we find outselves digging out of in life, I know I'm not the only one who wouldn't trade any of it.. not the good and not the bad... For all the evil I have seen, even just on a daily basis in all those little uncaring ways that people spread hatred.. I still have faith... In God, and in the ultimate goodness and kindness of my fellow human beings... ALL you reading this.. Help spread LOVE, not hate.. Be the better person, not to prove anything, but just cause its who you need to be! Be kind, it only takes an extra moment... Be humble.. it takes a rare person to see where they fall away from grace... don't ever be afraid to grow and be a better person... Love you all my friends!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

simple lessons of Country

Current mood: okay

It takes someone not still trapped in the matrix of the mind to understand that statement... oh well... I'd rather reality than to live in an illusion.
A Little Too Late 
Toby Keith
It's a little too late, I'm a little too gone;
A little too tired of this hangin' on:
So I'm lettin' go while I'm still strong enough to.
It's got a little too sad, I'm a little too blue;
It's a little too bad you were too good to be true.
I'm big-time over you baby: it's a little too late.
No, I don't wanna talk about,
What we can do about us any more.
Only time you would be wastin',
Is the time it takes to walk right out that door.
Yeah, talk about water under the bridge:
You should know by now, girl, that's all this is.
It's a little too late, I'm a little too gone;
A little too tired of just hangin' on:
I'm lettin' go while I'm still strong enough to.
It's got a little too sad, I'm a little too blue;
It's a little too bad you were too good to be true.
I'm big-time over you baby: it's a little too late.
There was a time this heart of mine,
Would take you back every time, don't you know?
But that's been two packs of cigarettes,
A sleepless night, a nervous wreck, a day ago.
Now you ain't got no business comin' around.
I'm closin' up shop: shuttin' us down.
It's a little too late, I'm a little too gone;
I'm a little too tired of just hangin' on:
So I'm lettin' go while I'm still strong enough to.
It's got a little too sad, I'm a little too blue;
It's a little too bad you were too good to be true.
I'm big-time over you baby: it's a little too late.
I'm big-time over you baby: it's a little too late.
If You're Going Through Hell
Rodney Atkins
Well, you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back.
Says: "I don't mind if you kick me,
Seems like everybody has."
Things go from bad to worse.
You think they can't get worse than that an' then they do.
You step off the straight an' narrow,
An' you don't know where you are.
Use the needle of your compass,
To sew up your broken heart.
Ask directions from a genie,
In a bottle of Jim Beam an' she lies to you.
Well, that's when you learn the truth.
If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down,
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Well, I've been deep down in that darkness,
I been down to my last match.
Felt a hundred different demons,
Breathin' fire down my back.
An' I knew that if I stumbled,
I'd fall right into the trap that they were layin', yeah.
But the good news is there's angels,
Everywhere out on the street.
Holdin' out a hand,
To pull you back up on your feet.
The one's that you been draggin' so long,
You're on your knees; you might as well be prayin'.
Guess what I'm sayin',
If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down,
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Yeah, if you're goin' through hell,
Keep on movin'.
Face that fire,
Walk right through it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down,
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Yeah, if you're goin' through hell,
Keep on movin'.
Face that fire,
Walk right through it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Yeah, you might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Gary Allan
Life ain't always beautifu.l
Sometimes it's just plain hard.
Life can knock you down,
It can break your heart.
Life ain't always beautiful:
You think you're on your way.
And it's just a dead end road,
At the end of the day.
But the struggles make you stronger,
And the changes make you wise.
And happiness has it's own way,
Of takin' it's sweet time.
No, life aint always beautiful.
Tears will fall sometimes.
Life aint always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride.
Life aint always beautiful:
Some days, I miss your smile.
I get tired of walkin' all,
These lonely miles.
And I wish for just one minute,
I could see your pretty face.
Guess I can dream,
But life dont work that way.
But the struggles make me stronger,
And the changes make me wise.
And happiness has it's own way,
Of takin' it's sweet time.
No, life aint always beautiful.
But I know I'll be fine.
Hey, life ain't always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride.
What a beautiful ride.

How dare you.

Current mood: infuriated

WORK:same shit, different day. 13 1/2 hours of shoveling crap on ankles twice their normal size, and aching feet... I arrived home in a wonderful mood. Been fighting the urge to rip someone a new asshole all day... But between being woken up by a cell phone ringing at some ungodly hour of the morning.. and schizo poetry, this is more than I can fucking take right now.

YOU have got to be kidding.. oh wait, thats right, I forgot, you are out of your mind.... As if lifes not stressful enough... as if i don't eat enough shit throughout the day, as if I don't have to bite my tounge to keep from telling assholes and bitches off enough in a day... I'm so glad YOU understand, and can see past your own bullshit... I spend my whole goddamned day putting up with idiots.. I spend my whole fucking day cutting people some slack.. and knowing that unless I stand my ground I will become a joke.. HOW DARE YOU make me a joke. Take your "ja koham cie"s (YOU FUCKING LIAR) and shove them up your ass. You won't be happy until you stress me out so much that something happens to my child. FUCK YOU. LEaving you was the BEST thing I have ever done for myself, and is BY FAR the best possible thing I could have done for MY baby. Its bad enough having to witness the insanity via phone and myspace profiles.. I can't imagine still living in the Hell you create around you. You have no idea the pain I have felt by sticking around in your misery for as long as I did. I MEANT WHAT I SAID, and how DARE YOU test the boundaries not once, not twice but three times!!! I HAVE HAD IT! I AM NOT A FUCKING JOKE! Test me again and see what happens. LOSE MY PHONE NUMBER. FORGET MY NAME. I regret nothing in my life.. but I regret EVERY SINGLE tear I have shed over you... I will be damned if I let you keep trying to manipulate your way back in so I can spend more of my life crying my heart out over you. Test me again, no more more more one more chances, I am done getting angry.. I am done feeling sad.. I am done entertaining any hope. No more. So test me again...and see...

for all your sermons about Karma.. You have no idea how far down you've sunk.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

don't know wether these are tears of anger, frusteration, sadness, or lonliness..

Current mood: crappy

What a bastard of a day... I cried in the bathroom today...several times.. had to call my mom to vent and cry....This job is just so fucking stressful.. and so frustrating. I worked from 8:30 to 8:30 tonight... throw in the two hours in the car.. the shitty traffic.. I assigned very simple tasks to my employees this weekend.. and They couldn't even get the most mundane and EASY of tasks done.. with about twice as much time as was needed to do it... I was SO FUCKING pissed when Igot to work and saw that they hadn't done SHIT... makes me not want to take a day off.. not to mention, I'm starting to suspect someone is stealing there too... Which means I'm gonna have to start recording the fucking registers all damn day long... I HATE not being able to trust people! I FUCKING HATE IT! I hate having 3 people look me in the eye and know that one or more of them are lying to me.. These people are a bunch of shady, lazy, kids. I called the manager above me today.. I told him, I have NO intention of coming into this shithole, cleaning up the mess left by other management.. and come a month from now, being dropped back down to a lesser position while the two fuckers that made the mess each have their jobs still... If this doesn't improve quickly I am so the fuck outta this place. Either that or I'm just gonna start cleaning house and fire all these lazy fuckers. Anyways.. Sorry about the rant.. I'm just so exhausted.. yesterday was such a nice day... all I did all day was relaz, and pick berries, and eat blueberries, and chill out as best as I could.. I KNEW that things were gonna be all fucked up and not done when I got back though.. one measly day off and these idiots can't take care of themselves, and get something done without someone on their ass. My feet hurt so bad... They are swollen all the time now..My legs ache... My head hurts... I have horrible heartburn almost all the time.. I'm so tired.. My back hurts, and my sides ache... I have to keep moving all day, cause if I stp to think about myself I'll start to cry... I was so busy trying to chase full grown adults around to do their damn jobs today, and so freaking stressed out trying to sift through stacks and stacks of papers from the past year and a half that noone else has done filing, or anything, I was so frazzled that I forgot my Dr's appointment. Now I have to try and figure out how to squeeze it into my 60 hour work week, and try and figure out how to get to the otherside of the state for it, and all the while, sharing a car with my parents...unless I can find time to go to the town hall and the DMV.. which I DON'T FORSEE having a snawballs chance in hell of happening.........

*sigh*....I don't mean to sound like an asshole.. I don't mean to complain so much right now.. but I'm so fed up with everything I can't help crying and wanting to cry most of the time... All I want is to enjoy ggrowing this life inside me.. all I want is to be able to take a freaking hour once a day to sit and spend time with my baby, feeling him inside me... with my own thoughts.. without having to feel this pressure of having to make money.. having to have this job.. having to save money so I can spend three fucking weeks with my own child once he's born before I have to head back off to shovel shit in the retail world again.. I just wanted this pregnancy to be a time of peace.. of joy... of a bright future.........

Guess I can't alw...EVER... get what I want.... Hopefully this'll all be a thing of the past someday.. and I can sit at home and write for a living and raise my baby.. teach him myself instead of having to send him off to school... please God ......someday......

Here's hoping tommorrow's a bit brighter.. but my guess is that the 8:00 to 9:30 day I see on the schedule before me is going to be the same shit.. just a different day....

please please God.. can this all be different someday???

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Holy baby aerobics!

Current mood: giddy

22 weeks today! Lennon was moving so much last night!! I was laying down with my hand on my belly and he kicked hard enough that he moved my hand!! I couldn't stop giggling! I didn't realize before last night that he could be felt so strong on the outside now! I let my lil sister feel, she started laughing too.. and my mom felt him a whole bunch got all giddy and misty eyed =) he was moving around so much though, maybe he likes doritos and cherries cause I ate a ton of those last night! =) Anyways.. Its my day off, and I'm gonna go strawberry picking (and eating, lol ;)) and then maybe shoot over to a renaisance fair... I found this picture on google, this is a 22 week old fetus... he looks something like a newborn baby now (kicking more and more like one too)!! CRAZY! =) anyways.. I'm off and running for the day, catch ya'all later

Lennart Nilsson's pictures are so freaking cool!

Currently listening:
Wish You Were Here
By Pink Floyd
Release date: 25 April, 2000

Saturday, July 8, 2006

I hope you dance...

Current mood: peaceful

Thank you....

and thanks alot Sarah (hint of sarcasm!) for getting me all into listening to country music again last night... I listened to it on my 2 and a half hours worth of commuting today.... as if I need more moments in life that reduce me to tears... Why the Hell does so much country have to be so sentimental and speaking of the simple things in life that mean so much?????? DAMN SON! Anyways... I've had writers block when it comes to poems for so long now... and today, I'm driving on the highway...daydreaming... contemplating the meaning of life.. god.. the random wonderings and wanderings of my subconsious..... drifting with my thinking.... (and of course half paying attention to the road, lol ;) and out of the blue these words come to me.... as dangerous as it was I dug in my pocketbook for some paper and a pen, cause I had to capture them before they were gone.... I think the simplicity of the music i was listening to inspired something in me... I've been trying to hard in letters.. in poems... in songs... to write something inspired.. something elaborate and elegant that says how I feel.... and for all of my thinking and speaking... and thinking and speaking, and thinking and overthinking... it all comes down to this....

A wish for the dreambox...

I wish I could have shown you
and I wish somehow you knew...
that the answer to all your riddles Love

I wish hearts were believed
and that I could have helped you see...
that the one who'dve stood there by you forever

Currently listening:
I Hope You Dance
By Lee Ann Womack
Release date: 23 May, 2000

Friday, July 7, 2006


Current mood: frustrated

Started my new position today... HOLY F***IN STRESS! I'm starting to wish I never took this promotion... 13 and 1/2 hours of bullshit... taking over for some shmuck who didn't know his ass from his elbow, and left the place in shambles for his permanent promotion...and I'm gonna go into this place, clean up his frickin disaster area of a business, and come a month from now, I'll be back to my lesser position with nothin more than an extra couple a hundred dollars as my thank you for busting my ass and working ridiculous hours...Plus the hour long commute on horribly busy highways is great too..... 15 dollars worth of gas a day.... ANd the fucking DMV wouldn't let me register my car in my moms name, so I could put off paying my several hundred dollars in property taxes for another few weeks until I can save a bit more money... So now I gotta borrow money which I HATE doing!!! Just so I can get my POS on the road, which I intend to junk come the fall anyways!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!sorry... had to let out some steam... I'll be alright, I'm just really Fucking frusterated, and exhausted.. I think I need to eat...or cry...or sleep... or maybe a little of all those... ...... I'm off to bed I guess... not much else I can do but get up tommorrow morning and face the day.... and the next and the next... *sigh* ALRIGHT, I gotta snap outta this before I get all weepy and depressed. So I'm gonna stop typing now and go sleep or space out to Nick at night... g'night

Currently listening:
Blind Faith
By Blind Faith
Release date: 27 February, 2001

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

I have nothing...

Current mood: bitchy

... more to say to YOU. I blocked you, get the hint! You turned us into NOTHING, and now we ARE nothing. You never listened to a word I said to you out of Love, and you don't believe anything I have told you regarding me, or you. I wish I could be a saint and keep endlessly putting up with you and your mind, BUT I'm not, and I can't, I am so fed up at this point that I don't know how to respond with Love anymore! let me spell it out for you: YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO BEING COMPLETELY INSANE. And that being the case I want NO PART IN IT. So take your crazy ramblings and GO on with your life. I AM DONE. A warning you'd be wise to hear: Phone calls at 1:30 in the morning by "private" numbers are obvious. If I see upon waking, one more time that I have missed several at ungodly hours of the morning, you will have visitors in silver badges knocking on your basement door once again. Same goes for the unmarked account "no subject" messages on myspace. And since it seems everything has to be spelled out for you, the same goes for emails, snail mails, messages delivered via homing pigeons, smoke signals, or any other contact at this point,etc, etc. I have had ENOUGH! Stop harrassing me, Stop sharing your crazy thoughts with me, stop trying to drag me back into the bullshit arguments that go in circles and nowhere else. I WILL NOT SAY IT AGAIN. GO AWAY.

To my friends who read these blogs, I apologize for involving you all in drama by my words, but I don't want to have ANY contact with this person anymore, and so I am anouncing this publicly, so there can be no confusion on his end that I MEAN what I say. So, sorry for this blog, but, on a happy note to all, Hope everyone had a great 4th of July. My nephew was so cute watching the fireworks.. seeing him watching such things with so much wonder in his eyes gives me this renewed appreciation for life.. kids are so F-in COOL! Plus I LOVE thunderstorms, they're so supernatural and such a tremendous force, I LOVE IT!.. so our picnic almost getting rained out was actually kinda fun for me! =) Hope you all had a good day today too!

Love Ya'll =)


Monday, July 3, 2006


Current mood: excited

Hola my friends =)

I just got off the phone with one of the managers at the company I work for.. and I got my promotion :) YAYAYAYAY kick ass! Its only a trial run for a month to see how I fare, and then it will either become permenant or I'll get offered something else, or I'll be back to my old position...So either way you slice it, for the next month I'm gonna have twice the responsibility and probably 1 and a half times the stress (I've already been doing a similar job, just with the officiality) And twice the pay =) AWESOME! I have the money now to most likely get my car back on the road this week or early next.. And this is going to be the perfect opportunity to make some extra money to put away..shit, it may mean an extra few weeks of maternity leave, or a place of my own a month earlier than I had planned. KICK ASS! :) Sorry I'm rambling, I'm just psyched! I wasn't counting on getting it, so I'm not only happy but pretty surprised too! SOOO...... anyways, Life is good, job is good, baby is good, God is good. My life is BLESSED! Smiles for ALL!! Have a wonderful night, and a ridiculously happy and enjoyable 4th of July!