Monday, August 28, 2006

it all works out exactly the way its supposed to in the end...

Current mood: contemplative

Funny... just woke up (yes I know I'm a slacker, but gimme a break! It's my day off and I couldn't fall asleep last night until like 3 or 3:30... ) and i'm sitting here thinking.... I'm just now putting some pieces together... but I do believe that maybe things are turning out exactly as they should... I know there are certain people out there today that unbeknownst to me, and through no direct cause of anything I purposely did... are learning EXACTLY what they need to learn... and finally seeing exactly what they needed to see.. what I'd been trying to teach them... ANd yeah.. theres still an abundance of bullshit mixed up indside the heads along with the good things surfaceing....but thats not for me to concern myself with... Ever meet someone and you see this pain in them.. wether subtle or obvious... and something in you tells you that you are meant to show them the way to overcome that pain??? And you want to more than anything... but you don't know how, and it seems the harder you try the more you appear to be failing you step back and you throw your hands in the air and you say to yourself.. I'm done.. leave it to God... and you say to that person.. I tried to help you.. and I'm sorry I failed you. And you walk away.... I've done this quite a few times so far in life... strange thing is it seems that everytime I do this... give up on trying to fix someone.... they start to recieve the exact healing I was trying to do myself.... but from the one who truely could have changed them all along.... is this the way its supposed to be.. I don't know, maybe we are all here to touch other people in one way or another.. maybe there are certain people that we are supposed to plant a spark of light in... and then step back to see if that spark grow if given room to breathe....Maybe the problems only start when we try to force that spark to become a raging bonfire.... and battle the very person you were trying to help.... maybe its all about control.. maybe its all about an attachment we develop to the outcome... its abuse of a power that was given to us to pass on to others with no expectaion that they will in turn give us love, respect, or even a friendship in return for the jewel we gave them..... maybe we are to simply hand over the spark.. and step away.. leaving them to go whichever way they will go... no trying to take their hand when they keep pulling back.. no trying to lead them, show them, or teach them what you've seen and learned.. nor what you've observed or what worked for you.... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me.. so if it doesn't please consider this my version of talking outloud to myself.. and yes maybe that makes me a bit nuts... But I'm a good kind of nuts and I love it! Anways... I've got stuff to do today, and its hard to sit in front of a computer for long periods of time.... my ankles swell (as usual!) and now my mouse hand, specifically my thumb, has been going numb.. so that I have to let it hang down every few minutes or so, to let the blood flow back through it.... Ahhhhh fluid retention.. what a BEATIFUL thing... I'll tell you what... as much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE feeling him kicking inside me.. or even just knowing he is there and know I will miss it when hes born... The other symptoms of pregnancy are starting to get reeeeeeeaaalllly old... I will defiently be happy to get back into my old clothes.. be able to bend down to tie my own shoes without almost having an aneurism.. fitting into a shoe again (besides the ones I stole right off of Ronald McDonald!) be able to stand and walk for extended periods of time without feeling as if my back is going to (painfully) give out.. Be able to walk up a flight of stairs.. or even just roll over in my bed without loosing my breathe as if I just ran a marathon....................and last but not least... be able to brush my teeth without loosing half of my blood volume! Lol, okay so those are slight exagerations.. but any of you who have been pregnant or were in close contact with a pregnant woman before have somewhat of an idea of what I'm saying..... On that note.. Have a nice rainy, augustty, sunday everyone!!!!!!

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