Monday, August 7, 2006

poor rocky :(

Current mood: sleepy

Hello all..

a few things... I ran over a raccoon on my way home from work tonight :( I tried to avoid him...slammed on the brakes and if I could swerved I would have..but I had a car next me and so if I had.. it woulda been my life instead of the raccoon's.... sooo.. I know it was totally unavoidable but I still felt like complete ass afterwards... sooo sad :(

second.. got another promotion..this one is permanant not a temp position.. so rock on me! :) Mucho more money.. mucho more responsiblity... and I think I get to go to a national conference being held out in Vegas now, go me! go me! :) cool shit, never been to nevada so that rocks! I'm not gonna get too psyched yet cause I still have to ask my doctor if I'm allowed to fly this late in pregnancy.. and I have to get confirmation from my district manager on wether or not I'm booked to go or not... I officially begin my new job on wednesday.. wish me luck!!

Third... I don't know why.. but the past few weeks I have been damn near obsessed with my own mortality.... I haven't been this concious of how easily a life can end since I was a kid..... strange.. I'm not usually one to dwell on death or to think about all the things that could go wrong while driving, or just day to day life.. that could end a life *like that*... Being pregnant... bringing a brand new life into the world... it does some crazy shit to your mind... Suddenly I am so scared that something is gonna happen to me a) while pregnant.. or b) once he is born.. and I'll leave him with no parent... The thought of leaving my son behind absolutely fucking terrifies me... I want to be around to make sure he is raised with values, purpose, love... I know my parents would do an awesome job if they had to... but... I dunno... its probably ridiculous to dwell on what if's and I don't want to ever be one of those people who can't leave her house for fear of something traumatic happening... Having a responsibility to another life is just making me much more aware.. I really need to stop speeding... one of these mornings I'm just make a promise to myself... if I'm running late I'm just gonna have to be late to work.. and thats it.... Even worse than my own mortality.. My poor child is not even born yet and I'm already freaking out about all the ways something could happen to him... shopping for baby stuff I can't stop looking for all the ways he could hurt himself.. I spent several hours today on the internet looking up safety ratings for car seats.. high chairs.. cribs... and cars.... my car is a death trap apparently.. which really sucks ass.. I DEFINETLY need a new car before this baby is born..... AGGHHHHH

...I need to stop or I'm gonna make myself crazy... I think the next three months is largely going to consist of working.. and trying to accept that some things I will have NO control over in my child's life... and coming to grips with my mortality.... I guess that this is one of those areas of life that as we mature we simply need to learn to place in God's and death sure as hell ain't in our hands to begin with so best to just accept that God's got the reins............................

On that note.. I am sleepy... Have a peaceful night my friends..

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