Friday, August 25, 2006

one step closer...

Current mood: indescribable

I was listening to an album I haven't listened to in some months, at work yesterday
strange how music affects the heart.. the mind.. I have a feeling there may be some
music that, though I love it with all my heart, I'm gonna have a really hard time listening
to for a very long time.. possibly forever... it reminds me of too much pain... I'm not one
to purposely torure myself reliving heartbreak... But right now it's necessary.. The only way
I can keep myself together and be strong like I need to be is to be Angry... to be determined...
make myself keep remembering the Hell that I let myself be put though.. for love. I need
to keep refreshing my anger at the person who abused the crap outta me, emotionally,
physically, and mentally... the one who pushed all the limits to see what I'd let him get
away with...
I should have never let my boundaries slip with you to begin with... The thing
is... I don't want you anymore... I miss you sometimes.. the bits of you that are good
and kind and caring... but I don't miss the paranoia.. The abusive words.. accusations
I don't miss the feeling of your hand across my face.. I don't miss having someone twice
my size holding me down and yelling nonsense in my face... I know how your mind works
at this point.. I know you justify these things.. I know you think you had reasons to be that
way but the reality is: you did not. Worse, even if you had... It still makes you much less
of a man that you could treat someone like that.. especially someone you claimed over and
over to love. I spent so much of our relationship trying to figure out what I was doing wrong
to get you to behave like that... how SICK is that.. I blamed myself for YOUR actions and
allowed you to keep pushing me further and further down.......but its life, and I realize that
now... I understand more of my fellow human beings now... I have been the "abused woman"
now.. I know how it happens.. I know how it feels... and maybe in time I will have reason to
know... every hurt.. ever wound.. every scar is a new way to relate.. to empathize with yet
another broken and lost soul wandering out there... every scar teaches me more and more
how to love others despite their flaws... When we are covered in our own scars it is hard to
judge and condem others for theirs....
I don't hate You. I never will... In spite of who you are I see who you could be, or could
have been... I see what is meant to be in your heart.. And for that I love you. BUT, you will
NEVER come back in through this door.. this heart is closed to you. You forced me to slam it
shut one too many times and there is NO going back... I went to childbirth class last night
with my mom... its hard... its hard seeing other women with their mate by their side.. the
partner that they created a life with.. there to experience it together... to welcome the new
little being into the world as a family.. its hard... it breaks my heart that my son will not
have that family.. not a father who is his own flesh and blood... But I am Strong. I have always
been a strong woman and with every trial this life brings me I only grow stronger. I will never
let someone beat me down. Because of you, I have raised my standards, raised the bar again
and because of the little boy I will soon be showing the example of how to live I have raised
the bar even higher... any man in my life from here on out will serve as a role model to my son,
wether he knows, or likes it or not... And from here on out, only men that I can be proud to
stand by will be by my side... I am in no hurry... I have a little boy on the way who is going to
need all of my love, all of my caring... all of my time.. and NOTHING and NOONE is going to
distract me from that. SO to you who played a small role in this creation I carry about: You have
nothing to prove.. and I have nothing left to say... Its all been said before... Take your justifications
for the ways you are and go.... you will NEVER be allowed to do to our son the things your father
did to you.. and you will NEVER again do to me the things your father did to your mother. The
CYCLE is broken and so long as I am (or anyone in my family for that matter is) breathing, my
child will never be close enough to you to be hurt in any way... You know how stubborn I am...
My son is now my life's work.. my greatest accomplishment.. my miracle... and with God as my
witness, he will not be another abusive, controling, jealous, angry, and disturbed man.... He will
be everything you could have been.. and more....
So please, I ask you again to GO... take your fantasies... your righteous words that so ironically
apply almost exclusively to you.... you have an unfathomable amount of other girls in the world
to fool.. to lure in with your charm, your "just right" words about God and life that YOU DO NOT
LIVE by... and your green eyes complete with solar systems.... Take it elsewhere.... This heart..
This body.. This Soul... This Woman... This Door is Closed.
On that note... these wound that were ripped open are still healing a little more everyday.. and
though some moments it easy to lose perspective and feel like everything is wrong.. Some days
I start feeling like my life is over.. all the things I dreamed of having.. being.. doing.. and seeing
are forever removed from my reach.... some moments I forget how free I really am...I have never
been more blessed...With the support and love of my parents.. my brothers and sisters (both
biological and in spirit) I am feeling stonger and more aware and awake every day... I know I have
said it before but Thank you so much to all of you who have been there to lift my spirits, hold my hand,
shoulder my burdens, and dry my tears... you are all forever in the prayers spoken by my heart.

Heres to another day of growth and another day of strengthening my soul... another day of journeying
closer to the answers I've spent my whole life seeking... Heres to Truth... to the truth which will always
be revealed in the end... heres to the newest members of the human race, all our hope rests
with them, teach them well... heres to God... heres to Life.
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm right across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
Currently listening:
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
By U2
Release date: 23 November, 2004

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