Saturday, September 2, 2006


Current mood: crappy

Ever have those moments when you feel so helpless and frustrated that all you can do is cry............ the day to day grind coupled with the insanity I still watching from afar.. coupled with physically feeling more and more out of shape....I think my muscles are starting to atrophy cause I couldn't even lift a 50 pound box today with feeling like I was trying to climb mount everest..... I hate this... I am such a self sufficient person... I HATE having to ask other people to help me do ANYTHING... Its so hard to watch your independence becoming a little harder to hold onto with every passing day.... I know its just stupid little things.. but I sometimes I can't wait to have back my ability to physically move around, bend, twist, flex, stretch, lift.. etc whenever and wherever I feel like it... I can't imagine ever becoming severly physically handicapped.. this frumpy, clumsy, akwardly shaped body has only been mine temporarily and its already taking its toll on my emotional wellbeing... or maybe thats the hormones talking.. I don't know...

I went to the doctor today.. he's concerned cause he says I'm working too much... on my feet too many hours and the way my feet and hands, etc are swelling is something that usually happens before you develop preeclampsia in pregnancy.. which apparently can be really serious... So now he's telling me he might ask me to stop working soon, not to mention I'm already missing time to go to the Dr's every week cause he wants to keep a close eye on my blood pressure.... Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed that I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep... working to much is bad for my health which is bad for my baby, but if I don't work I will have no money to take care of my baby....Working so much leaves little time for preparing healthy food..but not working leaves no money for healthy food (or any food for that matter if I wasn't mooching off my folks...) I feel like I'm caught in a catch 22 or something.... There's still so much to do before he's born, and it all needs money and time to get done.. unfortunatly I'm constantly trying to juggle the two.. and so far its been very difficult... and now with every passing day I'm finding all the regualr day to day activities getting harder and harder... I don't know how I'm even gonna put my own shoes on in another week or two... nevermind finish putting together a room for myself and my baby.......I should just stop whining now I guess... sorry for the sob story all.. just having a tough time at the moment...

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