Why? .... a few thoughts....

Why?

why are we all so afraid of speaking what we know in our hearts to be the truth?

why are we so afraid to love ourselves.. much less another...

why are we afraid of our neighbors?

why do we shun others for crimes and outrages that we know... if we are honest with ourselves.. that we could be capable of in a different moment...

why do we laugh and gloat over others misfortunes while believing ourselves somehow more deserving and worthy of good fortune...

why do we recognize in our own lives the misery and injustices perpetuated upon our homes and our loved ones...

but when faced with the realities of a storm in another town we simply turn a blind eye... or comfort ourselves to sleep better in the night hours with the always effective "there is nothing I can do about it"?

why do we content ourselves with running on our hamster wheels?

always the push to work just a bit harder to put food in our families mouth... a roof over their heads...

why do we obey it.. the orders of another... the thoughts we are told to think through the words and faces on the screen... trusting as if they have done anything to earn it...

... eat the garbage they sell for our stomachs instead of learning the forgotten art of bringing forth our own food from the fertile soil all around?

why do we chase after the ever unattainable wants... never finding lasting happiness in any goal reached... only to move on to the next...

we have all we will ever need in our two good hands and solid sturdy legs... in the dirt beneath our soles... the sun behind the clouds of smog...

why do we swallow their medicines for every newly created disease? slather on their magic creams and ointments... swallow the empty rhetoric... making over and covering up the sources of our dis-ease...

instead of finding the roots... and pulling the weeds from our lifestyles...and finallly trusting in the perfectly designed miracles which are the human body.... and in the plants sprung of the same dust which we each came from and aim to return to...

Why do we accept a silent slavery... which eats away our years with the promise of easy street just a bit further down the road...

no longer allowing ourselves the luxury of experiencing our children growing... teaching them all our fathers and mothers taught us... and theirs before them...

believing that the system somehow knows better for our families... and can more effectively put our babies on the path to a life that is good and right....

what quality of life have we bought with such a heavy price...

why do we allow banks to come knocking on our doors throwing our children out into the streets when there is land aplenty in this world for everyone?

allow politicians to play their games with the lives of those we hold high... as a nation... as our sons and daughters

allow ourselves to believe that we do not share the same humanity as those on the other side of the earth... the same joys at holding a newly birthed child...

the same agony at our loss of love.. of life...

why do we seek to see the demons among our peers... instead of looking within our own hearts for whatever evil may be lurking there...

why do we treat other living creatures.. no matter how many legs they possess... as if they are objects... unable to feel the torture perpetrated upon them...

why do we demonize the ideals and pursuits of others... while believing our own thoughts and opinions to be the indisputable gospel truth...

why do we put our faith and hope for change behind a suit and a smile instead of searching inside ourselves for our own hero... our own leader...

why do we, who can see beyond our own noses, allow fear and paranoia to stop us from living our lives in the pursuit of a better world for tomorrow...

from speaking out against all of the wrongs of this culture.... of this world.

our voices were created to be heard... to be raised in times of danger...

what is it we fear?

death? someday she will come for us all....

prison? There is no greater prison than your own skin, if you so choose it to be your cell...

the loss of status? What honor is there that is greater than our own understanding that in our hearts we have strived in our lives, in our own way, in every way possible to create the ultimate existence...

the affections of friends... or family? Who is anyone else to decide the way for you? to put roadblocks of disappointment and discouragement in YOUR path...

the threat of hell... the promise of heaven? Each is here. now. within and without you... if you cannot recognize them here and now.. how will you know to see them after this life has passed....

or is it indifference? apathy?

we, as our children... and their children, will never see what paradise can be made from the rubble of a broken world... if as individuals we are not ready and willing to live for... to fight for... and eventually, to die..... for our freedom.



k.prue 02/15/2009

you are me... I am her... we are it... it is...

I am not trying

to be anything but me..

I knew her once... before this body found me...

knew the language she spoke... the melody in her heart

the answers to all of existence... the key to the every secret we seek

and I know that from the day I entered this world

thrust and pushed from that gentle warm embrace

in pain... naked... gasping for life... cut off from the womb of love itself

and In my terror

I lost her.

I lost the ability to speak...

suddenly in a world full of bounds and chains

surrounded by beings of a primitive way... clouded visions

and minds who could not hear nor understand my cries

I grew to understand the language of necessity

and as I spoke their words my understanding faded

the more I learned, the more I forgot all the things I had known

yet somehow

I remember it all...

some days buried so deep I'm sure it has gone

but somewhere inside the the truth, the story still resonates..

I know when I hear it now... in the words spoken by my fellows

fellow prisoners and guards, fellow lovers, fellow dreamers

fellow victims and killers, fellow keepers, fellow seekers...

little by little I relearn

all of that I once knew without question

when I'm not looking they arrive upon my threshold

the unplanned, yet welcome guest in a standing invitation

when I stop trying so hard to be whatever it is I've been trained to be

when I pause for a moment to take a breath

when a voice outside of my own body connects and my ears open for the moment to hear

listening quietly to hear the voices amongst the trees as the birds speak

when I sit by the ever changing river... watching how she dances and skips along...

no fear.. no self

no constant trying to grab at the walls

chasing after ghosts and the walking dead

no created wants running me in futile figure eights

no expectations on what I deserve for all my goodness

or self mutilation sprung from lists upon lists of Karmic debts I believe I may owe

forgiving myself

my humanity

and all those who offend my senses

seeing the lovely eyes in spite of the lame foot

and in that moment speaking from the universe within

learning more myself from the words on my lips than likely teaching the other

I knew her once

and I hear her voice call

every now and then in the songs drifting from the guitar

the lyrics pouring from some other heart through the speakers of the radio

the sister or brother, mother, father or friend

or from the stranger sitting on a bench beside me

yes, I hear her...

and though I no longer speak her native tongue

I am quite sure she hears me when I cry out with every particle of this dust

to tell me her name... where she is... and how I can find her again some day

how are you?

three little words... simple as language can be
the answer always is... not plain enough for me to see

keeper of the keys... my shackles and my cage
feeling the grave is chasing... getting faster as I age

My heart is not within me....rather running loose and free
and will grow with what I give him... tools to shape, what he will be

so many minutes failing... at providing what he needs
so few being his tender... she sows loving, beautiful seeds

In the dreams I know I've lost him... in room and in my sight
the damage life will deal him... my only failure, in this night

and somehow I know it's within me... to just. be. me.
but I'm not sure who she is...the live and dead,
my puzzle is the picture of my tree

always search, ever seeking... always stumble, never seeing
over ego and grandiose visions... of the color, of the beast
from which I must be fleeing

the flags are all around me... the warning screams over the waves...
but I just can not tell the difference.. which god kills and which god saves?

pennies rain upon us... while we watch them bathe in bills
and they laugh at truths they've told us... plain as day THE MONEY kills.

human intimacy reduced to lol... and singles ads to meet
the hugs, the laughs. they miss them now.. evidence all up the street

or is it? an illusion? just the white band.... upon the arm of the slaves
cause we've got lots in common... and where it counts, we are all knaves.

your breath is mine... or else it will be someday...
just as soon as his wind... carries it her way..



Friends, I'd love your real answer to these three simple words...

inside every cynic...

it is true what they say...
because sometimes in the early morning hours
when I lie awake
I can FEEL it happening...
slowly yet surely as watching the grass grow
on a hot summer day

Options become fewer every passing moment
these lives I've lived... this soul...
its purpose to EVOLVE
yet I am unsure how in this life...
big ideas and all the times I've fallen...

everywhere I look the noose is tightening
the possibilities of an acceptable life in
the eyes of the monster that is a general consensus
specifics more intensified...
can't help but feel it is all a lost cause...

what good is understanding if none will hear it?
and it simply becomes a way to feel worse and worse
about the state of the world about
cycling back to realize that perhaps my view
from this window is simply a reflection...

here it comes my friends terror
and that same ole urge to RUN
as fast and far as my 10 dollars will carry...
we could join up with some gypsys
Lennon and I
a flock of weirdos like I've always aspired for
and maybe just for a moment or two
I could live a life that is my tru-STOP!

here comes that voice again...
it'll never work
never happen
never understand
never recover
never
never
never
never
how about the little house?
the big garden?
nope
nope
never
never
the partner?
doesn't exist
never will
all the things I wanted to teach my boy?
they'll never let you get away with it...
there is only ONE version of it all to be taught
and guess what sweetheart...
YOURS ain't it...
there's only one place you're going....
have I told you about the nice soft walls?
.....
.....
.....
.....
...the only constant is change
and I do, but it never seems for the better
I look back and all I see is that yesterday
there were more possibilities than today
maybe I am wiser now...
or maybe I am JADED now?
experience is bullshit
I miss living by FEEL...
maybe I was naive... but I WAS REAL.

If only I hadn't...
If only they didn't...
If only I could've...
If only I could face forward fearless
If only it wasn't so hard to just BE ME.

I think it's true what they say...
inside every cynic is the crushed soul of an optimist
the stolen dreams of a aspiring revolutionary
and the shreds of a far too large heart.

Food For Thought :)

Current mood: rebellious

The decline of childhood diseases before vaccination :

There is a generally held concept that mass vaccine programs were largely responsible for control of former epidemic diseases, but with the probable exception of the polio vaccine, in most instances this was not the case. From 1911 to 1935 the 4 leading causes of death among those aged 1 to 14 years, covered by Metropolitan Life Insurance policies, were diphtheria, measles, scarlet fever and whooping cough.11

However, by 1945 the combined rates from these 4 diseases had declined by 95%, before mass vaccine program began in the United States .12 By far the greatest factors in the decline were better housing with less crowded conditions, better nutrition, and other public health, hygienic, and medical measures.

The conventional view is that adverse vaccine reactions are relatively uncommon. At variance with this are internationally recognized authorities such as Dr. Bernard Rimland. Also at variance are many parents whose children have developed medical complications following vaccines where no other cause was evident.

Time may prove that one of the basic flaws in American childhood vaccine programs is that it is increasingly compulsory and mandatory. Once considered the fountainhead of freedom, in the enforcement of vaccine programs, America has become one of the most stringent and arbitrary of all nations. Parents refusing to have their children vaccinated, often for religious reasons, are subject to charges of child abuse.

Public health officials contend that such compulsory measures are necessary for control of infectious diseases which, they maintain, would increase along with childhood death rates if the vaccine mandates were lifted. In my opinion, this argument does not bear up to scrutiny for the following reasons:

In 1979 Sweden banned the pertussis (whooping cough) vaccine, considering it both ineffective and dangerous. In spite of the banning, or perhaps because of it, Sweden maintains one of the lowest infant mortality rates in the world. In 1975 Japan raised the age of pertussis vaccine to 2 years of age, considering it dangerous in infancy. Since that time, sudden infant death syndrome (cot deaths) have largely disappeared in Japan.13

Other nations with either voluntary vaccine programs, such as England, or less stringently enforced programs have lower infant mortality rates than the US. With few exceptions, they have not had a return of deadly epidemics (with high mortality).


Full Article

a person is a person after all

current mood: discontent



All around me it's naught but INSANITY...
and your music makes me want to cry because I know I've felt that before...
I can't remember if it was this life or another... but I've been there
I quit cigarettes yet again...
and I sit here in the same place yet again...
and I write the same yearning thoughts in slightly different phrases
and nothing ever changes
for the
better
Insanity on the screens...and I recognize it all... but then I look down at my wrists and see the same shackles I once had only seen on those around me...
Sick to my stomach that the cage followed me when I left the hospital that day..
or maybe it was there all along...
Some small once still voice.. screaming out inside
We are here
We are here
WE ARE HERE!
But no one hears...
a person is a person after all.
Insanity is all around me
and your music makes me cry.

FUTURE...

Current mood:HONEST
Category: Life
This is what I see.... have realized from this experience I have recently lived through to tell......

THIS is what I want...

A little old farm house.... not too tiny but comfortably cozy, maybe a little shabby and saggy, but well loved and taken care of.... with walls of our own that I can take as much paint and brushes to as my heart needs.... with a big ole overgrown jungly garden leading to the front door... flowers, and big leafy bushy plants and flowery leafy trees and shrubbery....

I want Lennon and perhaps a lil more young'uns to run in a big big space of land... trees to climb, fruits and veggies to pic.... I want to school them as best we can in the ways of the world, or nature, and of life.... as partners... equals.... friends....

I want a BIG BIG garden... fruits and veggies galor.... more than enough to eat, share...maybe even sell.....

I want to spend several months of the year just traveling around in an earthlovin vehicle, selling my parents (and at that point OURs too) Jewelry at fairs and fests around the country.... maybe further.

I want to go to nursing school and in off months nurse on my own terms, my own hours, part time....

I want my partner to do whatever his heart desires to do in off months to keep bringing in enough to help us live as well.... but also to feel free enough to enjoy life and all his passions... cause I'll be doing the same....

I want to play my music, write my thoughts, paint my mind on anything and everything... make things from trash... learn all sorts of things... dance, sing, and smile as often as possible.

I want to stay in new england.... likely CT, possibly RI, VT, or MA.... but still close enough that my family is NO MORE than an hour away TOPS......



I've realized a few other things... I'm not as "close" to some of my family as I'd like... but I LOVE them more than anything, and I KNOW that they feel the same.... and the few intimate conversations that I HAVE HAD with each and eevery one of them at one point of another in the recent year or two leads me to believe that the potential for great friendships.. REAL FRIENDSHIPS are there.... and I'm not will to give up on that.... just as they were not willing to give up on me during recent events.....

Thus, why I will be staying close by wherever they all may be congregated.... its not my zip code that matters in the slightest.... and I may live in the heart of a beast of a state in the epicenter of what is rapidly becoming a beast of a country... but 90% of the people Lennon and I love in this world and vice versa are here.... and so will I be.

I have realized that I can KNOW and keep up to date on what is happening in this world around me.... and I can CHOOSE every day of my life to NOT participate as MUCH as possible, but that paranoia and a complete refusal to LIVE lest you somehow support an evil system you don't agree with is futile... it accomplishes nothing more than putting one in a constant state of FEAR and produces an inability to live any sort of meaningful existance.... YES the system SUCKS... yes it is run by terrible evil people.... yes corporations suck.... and politicians don't give a shit about any of us..... yes the world may end tommorrow... the government may start busting down doors and hauling off the trouble makersor "terrorists".... and yes they are trying to make slaves of us ALL...... and I can CHOOSE to think what I want and do what I want about that... I choose to find some niches where I can still BUILD a future for my family and I.... be prepared mentally and physically for any shit that may go down... live as close to nature as I can without becoming Grizzly Adam's wife... refuse to shop at big businesses as much as possible... and all the other numerous things that are within MY ABILITY to do to existiin this fucked up world without losing my sanity... There's this cheesy ass country song I heard once and the chorus has been stuck in my head since the night before I suffered a massive seizure that almost claimed my life... I have no idea what any of the rest of the words are but the chorus goes like this:

You CAN spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm can come and blow it all away
BUILD IT ANYWAYS

thats what I intend to do with my second chance I have been given....

I have realized that my purpose in life was NEVER to be a corporate "yes man"... a coffee slinger... a telephone answerer or any other MEANINGLESS existance.... and on the same token I do not believe it is to be anyone who's name will ever be mentioned in ANY history book... not a famous world shaking anything.... I am not a gandhi, a john lennon, or an MLK..... but I will CHANGE the world through small acts of kindness and compassion.... because someone has to, and because the small things are going to be what changes the world... not a glorified leader.... the little people who do little things every day, like let someone out into traffic, or tell a scared sick person with demetia for the 20th time with love and patience in their voice where there are, or wipe someone elses ass because they can't do it for themselves.... or spend their days nursing sick children even though half of them won't survive and the pain of that loss will have to be felt over and over by said nurse...someone has to do these things... these are the acts in life that have MEANING.... that will make the world just a little better place for our babies to grow in....

The last thing I've realized... there is someone I LOVE with all my heart that is not near me.... he knows who he is. someone I have felt this unexplainable bond with since we were kids... someone I have always pictured as a piece of my soul and vice versa.... someone who once said the most amazing thing I had or have ever heard in my life... "I want to climb inside you so you'll never be lonely" (you already ARE...) ... And I want something from this person that I know could be considered so selfish.... I know that there are factors already concieved in other worlds that have come into play.... and I know what I ask... and the compromises which would need to be made.... and I wish I could be the one to make a great sacrifce... but I've tried planning it so many times and I CAN'T... for reasons stated... and I remember when you asked me what I thought you should do 2 years ago...and I said nothing though I wanted to SCREAM for you to STAY... just stay here... that you could be mate and daddy right here.... not step... daddy. I remember a campfire and a walk when I wished it was you I was sitting besides.... I remember crying so many nights when I have wished it was you sleeping besides me and I remember all the times we tried and the timing was never right... and I try not to live in the past... and I've tried moving on to others... many times.... but its ALWAYS been YOU.

and so I ask of you the one last thing I want out of this life... with every trial and trouble and sacrifice that may come of it... I ask for one last chance.... another TRY at standing besides you as the other half to "OUR"... as mates, friends, and partners with all the honesty, OPENNESS, faith hope, love, integrity, equality, RESPECT, and strength that comes from having a REAL TRUE human relationship, the kind you an I have had for years with each other, and never with another... and if this cannot or will not be the case I ask for nothing more than such an answer... and I will ask my heart to let me move on from this constant ache for you that I carry with me everyday....

this is what I want. What do you want?


Currently reading:
The Poisonwood Bible
By Barbara Kingsolver