The 27th letter: Love.

A letter to you.

Can you imagine that YOU are the you I am speaking to?

Well YOU are.

YOU.

Yeah, YOU.

You, my lonely loner lover, loving blooming girl with the long long hair and the crumbling stone tower around her bandaid heart.

You, the band geek boy with the boner behind the notebook, the topsy turvy smile, and the heart of gold the most valuable bit in your pocket.

You, the wounded broody mama, without the energy or desire to still nurse baby chicks but without the will to leave the crowded nest.

You, the one I grew with… the one I died by… fingers to the bone and crying eyes, who has begged the empty skies to open up and take him instead of the rest…

You, the sister and brother behind your glass walls, littered in red stamped letters, dollar signs and fake smiles… Choking back tears and forgetting dreams of mountaintops…

You, the brother and sister who feel something is missing, and something is very wrong with everything you know. Filling holes and spaces with more play, nothingness, and a beer.

You, the brother and sister-who-never-was… I LOVE YOU. I love you truly. I love you BOTH. I love you all. And what more need be said that is not already known.

You the brother and sister, young still in heart and mind, but stuck in all the couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, don’t, won’t, can’t, haven’ts of a broken world, numbing the pain and dulling your wits.

You, the sister sometimes with an s… always trying to catch up to the long tan legs in front of you… turning heads and taunting hearts… running from the wrinkle in time…

You, the friends of times gone by, still carved on each others memories, names and faces, dates and places,
Torn by change… “I knew she’d never change”, “I wish she woulda or wouldn’t have changed” and the occasional “I wish I could change”.

And yes, maybe it’s even You, the baseball cap or blonde bangs in passing… the 5 “hello”s at a party, in the hall, or in the IGA. Or the pair of eyes attached to the mind I may have linked with for 30 seconds at a festival 5 days or 5 years ago…

It could be YOU. It might be you? It is YOU.

YOU.

YOU are fucked up. You are cut and scratched. Dented and bruised. Malicious, Manipulative and Manipulated. Used and Reused. Unholy thoughts and unintentional lies. Unfathomable jealousies and indisputable insecurities. You are the tortured and torturer in turn. You are the very same breeding ground of everything vile and nasty within the human race. You are the embodiment of every abomination… in your mind. You are somebodies fool. You are just another nobody in a sea of faces….

And I LOVE YOU.

You are BEAUTIFUL. You are BLESSED and a BLESSING. You are magnificent in your UnIqUeNeSS, You are POWERFUL. You are STRONG and SENSUAL. You ARE Energy. You are AMAZING and BRILLIANT. You are LOVED beyond your wildest dreams, and you are capable of astounding, astronomical, amounts of LOVE. You are YOU and you are the best and most qualified at that job, even if in your own way, YOU aren’t quite up to the task at the present…. And my hope for you is that you know that, discover that, and always believe that. You are a lovely, lovely, loving, creature created of LOVE. And LOVE is the one and only answer my Dearest.

So my BELOVED YOU…. I want to ask you a few questions about wants and needs… What do YOU want. If you could have it all…. What do YOU really want? If you got it would you know it? Would you want it? Would you abuse it? Fear it? Love it? Would you turn and bolt? Would you embrace a new reality? A smile in your heart or a new burden on your shoulders? Thoughts? The lottery? The perfect mate? Sixty pounds and new pair of knees? The super fly car with all the fixings? The house on the hill? The farm down the road? The shanty in the mountains? The workshop in the sunshine? The same last name? The respect you deserve? The perfect religion? If you had it tomorrow.. If it arrived on a train or on your bank statement… what baggage would be dangling from it’s hands? Would it be what you thought it would? Would it lighten your life? Add light to your life? Or would it be another cloud to block the sun? another nail in your coffin? Another bug in your spoiled, spilled milk? You could still be happy couldn’t you? I’d bet you could. So what is it you want? ……You know you want something. SOMETHING. What is it? What is IT? Is it what you NEED? So what DO you NEED? Is it the same as what you Want? Do your needs and wants see eye to eye? Or given the chance would your wants and needs arrange to have each other drawn and quartered? If you got what you needed but it wasn’t what you’d wanted to need would you still keep it? Adjust your wants to fit your needs? Wants…. Needs… they sound so much alike… and yet so different. Do you need anything? Do you have everything you need? If not, what are you lacking? Why is it crucial to your happiness? How can you change yourself to either find or have what you need or so that you need less. Want less? What will it take for you to be happy? Perfect Health? Money? Love, my love? My love….If you don’t know……… isn’t it time to find out?

Love ALWAYS,
Kalee
God, Goddess, and CEO of Heartswiseaunti Industries.

TRUE LOVE

I have a confession...
of a torrid love affair I am having....
...
....
...
with myself.

after years of merely being an acquaintance
perhaps even "a friend..."(though of the love/hate variety...)

I finally saw that special something I thought I'd been missing..
because I'd been so convinced that I didn't have it.

A Love story:

I stood upon the mountain... and I looked back... at all the miles
my own two sturdy feet had carried me.

over rocks.. ledges.. lush greenery and broken branches...

MY FEET... my hobbitish feet with the crooked toes and
the marks of my illness forever etched in them...
my yucky feet with the three tiny black hairs that sprout from each big toe
my gigantic feet that grew two sizes from the surging hormones of my crowded womb...
my feet...
MY feet.

And now I see the stripes of scars upon them... the imperfection in not having red glossed toenails and a pumice stone... and I LOVE them.

I climbed and crawled down through the darkness...
distracted by the glittering display of light on cave slime...
stumbling stiffly along... uncomfortable in my own body...
relying first on the love of my family...
then as my comfort and understanding grew, on my own eyes and mental acuity...
and finally on nothing but feel... trusting in my own senses in this unfamiliar realm
ears alert to the sound of the drops of water to my right...
fingertips grazing the slimey cold texture of the wall to my left...
breathing deeply and peacefully in and out...
each step careful and deliberate... stepping.... stepping.. step. step. step...

and then I fell.

One thousand solid steps and in my complacency... monotony... lulled into security...
suddenly the ground failed to be found by my right foot...
and in the darkness I crashed down to the rocks below me
stunned... and then in pain I lay there...
mentally feeling for the bruises and wounds
searching for a light to see where I'd went wrong.

my downfall... I'd hugged the comfort of the wall too tightly...
and in my self imposed blindness I'd not seen the narrow ledge I'd been ascending

bruised but not broken, I stood.
turned out the light once more...and pressed on...
this time more carefully and more aware of the dangers to be had in becoming dulled by routine...

eternity ticked by... one carefully placed step after another...
step... feeling with the dirty toe of my right tennis shoe... determined not to make the SAME mistake... stepping.... stepping... convinced of my righteous journey...

and suddenly it hit me.


I was descending into a dead end in pitch darkness.

I'd seen that sign telling me so.

and all the time I'd KNOWN that just behind me, I'd briefly seen AND PASSED a staircase UP.


CAVE DWELLING: A mad dance to be tackled occasionally... but NOT without a purpose.


I emerged into the dusky night air...
knuckles missing... knees torn...hip bruised... ankles strained... eyes raw... and thirstier than I'd ever been before... and as I crowed out loud in JOY at my salvation... I KNEW that I was, am, and always will be not only the own worst enemy I'd believed... but also MY OWN BEST SAVIOUR.

Our bodies and minds are funny things... fueled by what we GIVE them, they can only give back the same... crap begets crap... and I'm tired of crapping on myself.

Better than GOLD is GREEN...
Better than couches and channels of discovery are mountains beneath your shoe soles...
and better than continued breathing of stale cave air is to toil through and emerge worn and victorious... knowing that you can survive the lowest of places... but that it doesn't mean you have to take up residence...

It is St. Valentines day....
and I am in LOVE with the most beautiful girl I've ever known.

What else but Wish.

I wished a wish I knew,
the ends from the starts
ins from outs
and what's real in who's hearts

I wish, I wished I knew,
which ways to go
where each way leads
and what's for show

and I wish, I WISH, I knew
what means what to you
what he is thinking
fibs from truths

I wish and I wish
and I wish foolishly
that I wish I had wished
I had eyes then to see

and I wish I knew
and We've wished the wish so long
I wish I knew which wish is real
and which is fodder for a song.

- Kalee - 10-17-09

TERROR

Current mood: intense

SO I was lying awake last night... 4 AM... after waking up and getting caught by my thoughts.... This has been a constant since two weeks ago when I quit my Trazadone that I had been taking since the hospital for sleep/nightmare control..... and it came to me why I feel so changed now....

I've been trying to put my finger on this feeling... this physical and simultaneously emotional sensation that I can conjure up at will now... I'd never felt it before.... not fully.... its a feeling that one cannot explain to anyone else... it is completely beyond description.... and I finally figured out what that feeling is.... and in the context of my life so many puzzle pieces finally clicked together....

TERROR.

absolute and sheer terror.... (I know it's an ironic subject to post about today of all days...)

I'd never felt it before.... and I honestly don't think that many people have... unless you've come so close to death that you could FEEL it... taste it... smell and touch it.... you may have an idea of what it feels life.... but you likely can't even begin to know it's full potential.....it's the most horrible feeling ever...

I'm not implying now that DEATH in itself is bad.... in theory I understand that it is a part of life.. that it is inevitable... that it is part of the greater cycle.. plan... circle, call it what you will.... but for me, it has made me realize how absolutely terrified I AM of it.... I thought that I had made some sort of peace with it... I thought that I had accepted it.... I thought that with all of my spiritual searching that I had reached some level of understanding of Death... this summer has made me realize that its all BS.... I've been deluding myself.... all I've done is the same as everyone else... pretended that it is irrelevant and non existent and all the while have let it control every aspect of my life....

Its amazing how much humanity is controled by something so simple as the fear of death.... our entire society is built around it.... every culture in the human world...

can we even imagine what life on this planet would be like if we stopped fearing death?

I can't... I only know my own horror at facing it is so intense that the mere thought can choke me now... it wraps around my throat... my entire body.... it interrupts the rhythm of my heart beat.... wakes me from deep sleep... makes the room shake around me... the contents of my stomach rise to my throat..... makes me feel absolute disgust at the sensation of my own fingers upon my flesh...

I am terrified of disappearing.... terrified of the unknown.... terrified of being another irrelevant human animal come and gone in a moment of time..... and I don't know how I'll ever be able to really live unless I can overcome this.... I guess the first step is that I've realized how much power it has over me... I don't know what else to say but..

I don't want to DIE..... I don't want to die.... I don't wanna die.

Lying...

Current mood: froggy

Lying to Oneself

In this life of so many doors
I don't know which scares me more...
to hear a yes... to hear a no?
or choosing between which ways to go..

Motivationally challenged OCD
self imposed enclosed birdcage
Yearns to be free

Good and Honest to a fault
but robbing convenience stores
has become my art

Will this change? Who can tell...
how much of me is Heaven,
how much is hell?

Ripping and tearing at bones till their bare
The insinuations obvious..
The metaphor's all there...

I look in this mirror and all I can see...

Is that I don't know you,
but worse: I don't know ME.
Currently watching:
The Neverending Story (Widescreen)
Release date: 2001-09-04

IDENTITY

Current mood: confused


I spent a lot of time talking to my mama today.... about all the things and thoughts that have been left in the wake of this insane summer.... There is this deeply ingrained aspect of my personality that needs to have things organized within my head... I need to know where things stand... put thoughts and memories in tidy places where they belong.... always have been like that... I need to do it so I can UNDERSTAND WHY.... HOW... WHOO or what.... and one of the things that bothers me most about this illness I am caught by is that there is so much that is UNKNOWN.... I have entire days.... weeks, where I have virtually no memories.... no idea where I was, who I was... even WHAT I was.... I had people coming up to me in the hospital (nurses and such) saying ''I'm so glad to see you looking so much better' that I would have swore I never saw in my life.... I have fuzzy images of things here and there but they seem more like hallucinations and dreams than anything... my mom keeps telling me as much as she knows and can recall, and I hear these scenarios and they seem vaguly familiar, as if they COULD have happened... I can kind of picture them... almost put my finger on it, but its not SOLID.... it is a very unnerving feeling.... I can even remember talking to my mom on the phone, and the last thing she said to me right before I went into a seizure.... it freaks the hell out of me to remember that... being there one minute joking about some random thing.....and the next you are just in darkness..... waking up to random faces speaking languages you don't understand.... confusion, rage.... fear.... on a two week long bad trip that you can't escape or even come close to comprehending...... all in a split second, with no prior indication that it was about to happen..... it terrifies me.... it wakes me at night..... it is a constant thought in the back of my mind that it could happen again at anytime.... Drs have said not to worry, that it wont... but how do they KNOW?

I'm starting to feel like I'm in the midst of an identity crisis or something..... I've spent the better part of the last decade of my life trying to educate myself on nature... on my body... on taking care of myself, and the world around me.... and even though we all KNOW in theory that life is fragile... there are no guarentees, etc, etc.... there is always that part of us that believes we are immortal.... that bad things happen to OTHER people, not us.... somehow I thought that if I was doing everything RIGHT that I would NEVER be one of those unhealthy people.... suffering from some dreaded chronic disease.... hospitalization.... haveing to pop 20 to 30 different pills in a day to keep my body from shutting down.... I didn't take anything lightly.... food, health in general.... living a chemical free as possible existance... researching the crap out of everything and anything.... I rarely make decisions regarding mine or lennon's health without SERIOUSLY looking at ALL options and opinions..... and somehow, for all I tried... for all my efforts, its FAILED ME...... misereably.... I don't understand it... I don't get it... I see so many people around me take everything lightly.... go with the crowd... everyone else is doing it and such.... and their lives NEVER seem to be hit with the turmoil that mine does over and over again.... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SO I sit here.... I think about this shit over and over, trying to make some sense.... Did I do something wrong? Where was it, when? Am I rocking the boat too much.... should I stop fighting against the status quo??? PArt of me just feels like throwing my hands up in the air and screaming out to the world I have embraced for so long 'FUCK YOU! FUCK IT ALL! WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CHEMICALS? THE ENVIRONMENT? THE GOVERNMENT?!! We're all going to DIE anyways, one way or another.... and no matter WHAT YOU DO it could happen with the next breath you take...' and another part of me wants to CRY like a little baby and stay sick forever so people will take care of me cause maybe I just can't handle life.... and another part of me wants to say, FUCK BEING SICK! I've been researching this shit for years... I'm going put my money where my mouth has been for years and I am going to find out how the fuck I can HEAL myself of this shit and I am going to get better and pursue that life that I want...... and yet another part of me is scared shitless...... death lurks everywhere now.... it could be on the grapes I just ate.... It could be that SUV speeding up behind us..... It could be a blood test result came in too late and my kidney's fail..... it could be that I try some natural remedy and it makes a bad situation worse.... or I could stay on the drugs and conventional treatments and get worse.... I feel so HELPLESS and out of control in all this.... it is bad to feel so undecided about who, and what to trust... but it is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you can not even trusts your self.... not your memories... your thoughts.... your body.... or your opinions and views on a world you THOUGHT you had some sort of understanding of.....
Yeah... I guess you could say this is a bit of a crisis.... we shall see in time I guess how it all turns out..........................

PEACE OF MIND

Current mood: calm

Hello friends,
SO I just got back from my first follow up with Dr. Post who is my Nephrologist (kidney doc) and I must say an AWESOME doctor at that.... All good news! He is becoming the only one of all the other Kidney docs I've been seeing that I feel like I can trust and who KNOWS what is going on, and tells it like it is... I asked him today If I can just deal with him from now on (unless of course its an emergency and he is off) and he agreed, so I'm really happy about that. I was dealing with about 6 different doctors this week and all but one were totally and completely unfamiliar with my case and telling me all sorts of conflicting things.... two kept telling me things weren't looking good and giveing me test results that god knows where they got the "bad" numbers.... I feel like I've been in a PANIC of PANICS all week and according to the one Dr. I trust completely with my life it was pretty much all for nothing. The aspect of my illness that could land me back in the hospital with more blood and plasma treatments would be the "blood disorder" half, and according to Dr. Post all of my test numbers are holding steady or improving, so that is looking GOOD. The other half is the "kidney disease" portion and in some ways I doing well there too.... Dr. says right now we are focusing on that portion and just monitoring the blood portion to make sure it stays steady or keeps improving.... On the kidney homefront, I am still retaining fluid like crazy so I am on a VERY sodium restricted diet, and I have to find myself a pool to go in for at least an hour a day (I know it sounds weird but its called "submerssion therapy" and this dr. swears it works even better than the dieuretics I'm on most of the time), He also really wants to do a biopsy but I am still bruising very easily and then they don't go away so he is concerned about the dangers of bleeding still.... Anyways, all in all it was a great visit and gave me the first peace of mind and relief from worrying about ending up backin the hospital that I've had since last thursday when I was discharged..... YAY!

oh yeah, and this Dr. just might be the coolest MD I've ever met, lol... Today he says to me something to the effect of " You are a very unique patient and I respect very much that before all this happened you were a health conscious person, eating organic and healthy food, taking good care of yourself.... Not that ANYONE deserves this but YOU of all people DEFINITLY didn't deserve this"... I thought that was really nice of him to say.... he also said that my case is the strangest case he's ever seen.... out of a disease that is 1 in 100,000 mine has been so unpredictable and weird that it is another 1 out of 100,000 of that original 1 out of 100,000..... so I asked him if he thinks I should go buy a lottery ticket, lol.....

ANyways, in other areas of life things are going pretty good... I'm starting to get over this cold and stomach bug I've had since sunday... Lennon is back to being completely in LOVE with his Mama.... I discovered a couple days ago that I am STILL LACTATING with is totally bizzare and in my opinion a complete MIRACLE.... I am on so many meds right now I don't dare try and actually breastfeed him but I think I may start trying to pump and dump and once I am off the meds I will offer it to him and see if he is interested in another go.... then maybe we can someday have the gentle and loving end to our nursing relationship that I had hoped for.... I am also feeling stronger every day... I can climb stairs without having to pull myself up on the hand rails, and I can get back up from a squatting position which I couldn't do without TWO people pulling me up just a week ago! I can also carry Lennon short distances now too! So..... things are looking positive as of this afternoon.... I'm not getting too excited cause I'm still straddling a very precarious fence and there is still something VERY not right with my kidneys BUT I am staying hopeful and trying to focus on the small victories..... one day at a time I am going to kick this thing's ASS. Thank you all for all your thoughts and prayers, they are working wonders so far! I haven't really been up for visitors all this week with my cold and stomach issues on top of just the general effects of the HUS/TTP.... we shall see what next week brings, I will be sure and keep you all updated on here.... I LOVE YOU ALL!
Kalee and Lennon

Currently watching:
Monsters, Inc. (Widescreen) (2 Discs)
Release date: 2002-09-17