From 32,000 feet... OR "aren't we each a who?"

I try really hard to picture it differently... the Brown furry patches instead spread across the whole of this living breathing speck... sprinkles and splashes of imperfectly perfect blue green scattered about... No Patchwork... no flecks of white and flashes of cold silver... Wrinkles from the strain of trying to up heave her illness... or piles dumped there by an elephant flicking the dust of his shoulder... And then the haze thickens and for the time being it is hard to see clearly again...

All I know is that with each answer received the questions multiply. Maybe we cling to each other because we are so desperate to convince ourselves of our significance on this little ball of muck where it is so obvious that we are naught but some sort of freakishly mutated out of control virus... Significance to stoke our egos...even if it is simply in the eyes of another mite. Are the ant's lives more important to most of US just because it is quite probable that they “love” each other? Does it stay the 6 year old’s canvas hightop?

I kept picturing this huge foot coming down from the sky… as it would look for the bugs when I trek though a patch of damp mossy ground… It’s amazing how much trees look just like moss from this height….. It scares me and fascinates me… the possibilities for what it all means are terrifying… But if we see that we could be hurtling out of control talking to the great pachyderm in the sky… how can we not be terrified? And if we are terrified how can we function? Better yet, what is the function of a smudge on the tip of a bullet? So is it living to function? Or to fight against the external pressure to function… and if the bullet has already left the gun than what is the point of EITHER? ….. I ask myself “If you have to ask ‘what does it mean to truly live’ does it mean that whatever you are doing isn't it?” The paradox presents itself once more… the insanity of the juxtaposition of the sheer horror and unbelievable beauty of this world within and without us... If we recognize that we are a tiny part of a very small smudge on something so much larger than anything we can comprehend, how can we continue on with “normal” life? How can we see one without also seeing the other.... I believe the answer is that we can't... Either our eyes are both open. Or they are BOTH closed, and we are lost in our slumbers... living in our dreams.

Some days I wonder if I am still asleep... I've heard the alarm clock enough times that if I'm not awake yet I must be a pretty heavy sleeper... I sure hope I’m not… I’d hate to miss out on all the "living" I might do… The canned air is becoming harder to breathe… And the seat beneath me jolts me from my page for a moment… From two rows forward I watch the stream of golden drops collide with the silver hair of the woman in the seat just in front of me... saw the mama cringing and heard the baby coo... and then we all laugh. Because we've ALL been there.

-K Prue
Written November 8th in transit from CT to GA...

Politicks

I woke up this AM to a glass of Orange Juice pouring in my face.... Lennon, bless his heart, thought mommy needed a drink is all I can figure, and the resulting stickiness was pure accident. Nevertheless, I SCREAMED at him. For the next 5 minutes as I washed us both down and pulled off bed clothes I went on a tirade that left Lennon understandably upset... finally after a few moments of acting like a complete Asshole, and leaving Lennon whimpering, it occurred to me... He didn't do this on purpose.. he was likely just as half asleep when he did it as I was... In actuality it was my fault for leaving the glass by the bed in the first place, especially since I am keenly aware of his current need to do everything for himself.... SO I snapped myself out of it mid sentence and changed my attitude and tone. Within a minute I had cleaned up the bed, threw down another blanket, washed us both and calmed Lennon.... now he lays beside me dreaming once more... alas I am wide awake, not still brooding over the orange juice, but overwhelmed with thoughts and disgusted by how poorly I behaved.... I hope someday I am a better mom, and a better person... and that Lennon can count on me to keep a level head in such times.... I hope.

Sometimes I get really down on myself for my failures as a parent (and as a person)... especially when I see these super parent types.. you know the ones I mean... You will run into them from time to time on playgrounds or Parent networking sites.... The ones that appear on the surface to have the perfect mix of skills, love, energy, determination, patience, and respect... It's not that I wish the supers any ill... nor do I feel like I have any overwhelming jealousies of them (though maybe a bit)... but I can't help but wonder if they are really as amazing as I believe them (or they believe themselves) to be? Does anyone handle the million little situations that crop up throughout the day exactly as they probably should? I'm inclined to think not.... at least if other aspects of human behaviour are to be taken in to account....

My mother recently told me "If you stick around ANYWHERE long enough, you will see the drama"... and she is right... Even the most "accepting" "understanding" and "loving" of social groups has their politicks... I don't want to believe this to be the case, but I keep seeing it proven over and over... I have bounced around through so many different, well meaning and good intentioned, organizations and social situations... from the non denominational churches "cause jesus loves everyone..." (except those who question the senior church members or pastors).. to the hippie communes and cooperatives... to the groups of friends gathering for some fun, good food and grand conversations ... it seems everyone has an agenda, and no matter how righteous it appears on the surface, once you pick up the shovel its the same shit.....the very same "every man for himself" self serving attitudes... the same food chain of command... the same weak dominating the strong... the same scapegoats for hiccups... the same ostracizing if you break the code of conduct.. How very depressing that the few places that are supposed to made up of the people who are trying to "FIX" this shit... can't even rise above it in the simplest of our dealings.... how human we all are...

My dream above all else is to have a community of individuals working for the common good... playing for the common good... concerned for the greater good.... The older I get, the more it occurs to me that this scenario, as beautiful as it may be, just might be IMPOSSIBLE... I really hope not, because a girl needs something to hope for... something to dream of and to strive high towards... I really hope that I am wrong, and am missing some greater truth.. because after 30 years of nothing but, I am TIRED of the politicks.... and dreams like this die HARD. I so want to believe that given the chance there are a few souls out there who will do right..... Just imagine it.....

Fuck John Lennon for giving me unrealistic expectations.