Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I woke up this AM to a glass of Orange Juice pouring in my face.... Lennon, bless his heart, thought mommy needed a drink is all I can figure, and the resulting stickiness was pure accident. Nevertheless, I SCREAMED at him. For the next 5 minutes as I washed us both down and pulled off bed clothes I went on a tirade that left Lennon understandably upset... finally after a few moments of acting like a complete Asshole, and leaving Lennon whimpering, it occurred to me... He didn't do this on purpose.. he was likely just as half asleep when he did it as I was... In actuality it was my fault for leaving the glass by the bed in the first place, especially since I am keenly aware of his current need to do everything for himself.... SO I snapped myself out of it mid sentence and changed my attitude and tone. Within a minute I had cleaned up the bed, threw down another blanket, washed us both and calmed Lennon.... now he lays beside me dreaming once more... alas I am wide awake, not still brooding over the orange juice, but overwhelmed with thoughts and disgusted by how poorly I behaved.... I hope someday I am a better mom, and a better person... and that Lennon can count on me to keep a level head in such times.... I hope.

Sometimes I get really down on myself for my failures as a parent (and as a person)... especially when I see these super parent types.. you know the ones I mean... You will run into them from time to time on playgrounds or Parent networking sites.... The ones that appear on the surface to have the perfect mix of skills, love, energy, determination, patience, and respect... It's not that I wish the supers any ill... nor do I feel like I have any overwhelming jealousies of them (though maybe a bit)... but I can't help but wonder if they are really as amazing as I believe them (or they believe themselves) to be? Does anyone handle the million little situations that crop up throughout the day exactly as they probably should? I'm inclined to think not.... at least if other aspects of human behaviour are to be taken in to account....

My mother recently told me "If you stick around ANYWHERE long enough, you will see the drama"... and she is right... Even the most "accepting" "understanding" and "loving" of social groups has their politicks... I don't want to believe this to be the case, but I keep seeing it proven over and over... I have bounced around through so many different, well meaning and good intentioned, organizations and social situations... from the non denominational churches "cause jesus loves everyone..." (except those who question the senior church members or pastors).. to the hippie communes and cooperatives... to the groups of friends gathering for some fun, good food and grand conversations ... it seems everyone has an agenda, and no matter how righteous it appears on the surface, once you pick up the shovel its the same shit.....the very same "every man for himself" self serving attitudes... the same food chain of command... the same weak dominating the strong... the same scapegoats for hiccups... the same ostracizing if you break the code of conduct.. How very depressing that the few places that are supposed to made up of the people who are trying to "FIX" this shit... can't even rise above it in the simplest of our dealings.... how human we all are...

My dream above all else is to have a community of individuals working for the common good... playing for the common good... concerned for the greater good.... The older I get, the more it occurs to me that this scenario, as beautiful as it may be, just might be IMPOSSIBLE... I really hope not, because a girl needs something to hope for... something to dream of and to strive high towards... I really hope that I am wrong, and am missing some greater truth.. because after 30 years of nothing but, I am TIRED of the politicks.... and dreams like this die HARD. I so want to believe that given the chance there are a few souls out there who will do right..... Just imagine it.....

Fuck John Lennon for giving me unrealistic expectations.


  1. YEA!!!!
    John Lennon and The Waltons.
    Life's a Bummer.
    Just find us a planet, cuz I'm thinkin
    only in~~~~~~MY WORLD*********************

  2. I hear you, kalee. I share the same dream of a loving community. And I believe love exists, but it's sometimes hard to live. My best to you and your loving community of two.


  3. It's hard to get perspective on such a moment, when the first thing you want to do is beat yourself up over a tirade, but from a more wide-screen educational perspective, it might not be a such bad thing for him to have an idea of what a normal person's unfiltered reaction might be, to getting orange juice dumped on their face before they even have a chance to wake up. Mom is human too!

    But I know, you're never not going to beat yourself up. It's a strong mom instinct to some extent, to not be satisfied with anything less than perfection from one's self! But it is clear even just from this post, how much you care and how protective you are of your son - I'm sure he sees it plain as day, every day in a million ways you're not even consciously aware of.

  4. There are others. We are coming together now.