Current mood:On the threshold of a transformation
So I am sitting here at Amies...and i am wondering how somebody suddenly becomes the very thing they had just felt so strongely a week ago about not being. How does somebody so easily betray the very person they claimed incorrectly was betraying them..... Are you lonely??? How can you get so angry about a friend of yours calling me inappropriately and then turn around and do the same thing...how does one so quickly become a slimebag just like his friends??? How does someone who has very few real relationships in their life feel justified in knocking someone who does have support and love into the ground??? Is it jealousy? Is it envy for the stability and intelligence that another was raised with? I know that not everyone in this world is born into a loving supportive environment...I know that not everyone is born and raised in one area with stability and constants in their life....Not everyone gets the chance to have a friend in their life that they have know since childhood....I wish I could change the world...I wish I could take every lost disheartened hopeless individual in the world....the one who is perching on the fence between the light and the dark...I wish I could take them and shake them awake..I wish I could say one thing to them that would open their eyes to a truth they had almost completely forgotten...I wish I could honestly, and without any judgement or a trace of self righteousness give a wounded broken soul the key to life. The key to freedom. I wish I could always speak all of the things I carry in my heart. I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve with no fear of death. I wish i could trust with no thought ever in my mind that I am going to be crushed for it. It seems the older I get the more people and their dramas try to convince me that i need to be more closed off...more cold....I think there is a fine line between being availible to life and love and the god inside and out...and being naive and easily manipulated...Although at times in my life I have bordered on naive, I find everytime I look in the mirror the past year or two I see someone I like more and more...I find I see more and more strength behind my own eyes and also more clearly the presence of strength in anothers eyes...sometimes i only see a spark but it gives me hope that that sould may still choose to climb now from their mountain of pain onto the right side of the fence...I find I am more easily able to discern a person who is no longer willing to hear truth and one who is questioning there being more to life than the shallow hollow crap of a social structure that they are being forcefed. I am more easily able to see hope..to feel hope...To feel Love...not that obsessessive or superficial love...not lust or a surface fill for a deep lonliness...but real true regard and understanding for a fellow human being....True compassion..not giving someone what they want wether it is your money, your company because they are afraid to be alone, your energy because they can't produce their own......but giving them what they need...no anger but righteous...no hate but love...no pity but empathy...no bullshit shallow induging self pity retoric...but the truth, however harsh it may be. I am becoming a person I am so glad to know...I am finding more value in the people that are and always have been an honor to know wether family, life long friends, or the girlfriend of your brother... I am finding more compassion and patience for those people who try my patience wether my family, aquaintences or in-laws...For the first time in my life..I am approaching my birthday once again..25, a quarter of a century and i am not ashamed or disappointed in the least with who I am...I have no regrets for the life I have chosen to share mine with for the past 9 months..I feel a sense of loss for this person...but I feel no desperateness to run back again and repeat the cycle....I have learned that lesson and so many other valuable lessons in the face of madness....I have seen in another person ways that I could be I don't keep my foolish mind in check...I have seen manifestations of the extremes I could go to If I allow anything or anyone to rule my life and my heart...I have learned that my heart belongs to the spiritual being that has created the beauty and awe of life...The same one who put the other half of the spectrum there too so we could have free will...so that we could choose to live in spirit or chose to die in body and every color of the rainbow in between...I have learned that it is not my right to give something away that is only given to me..by grace. If someone wants what makes me whole...all they have to do is ask and it will be given to them in the same way it was given to me....Freedom is YOU...YOURS to ask for...YOURS to acknowledge...YOURS to see and admit is there...It's that simple, you just ask with every molocule of energy in your body with no shame or pride....You will get the answer and further guidance every step you take from there....You still have to choose to step the right way at every crossroads....but its not just a shot in the dark anymore...I think the wisest thing I ever heard out of this persons mouth was something I would say has been my internal mantra for the past two years.....If you don't stand for something, You will fall for anything...Its the same message I read in a favorite book from my early teens..I reread it the other day...It's called "The Clearing" and is the follow to "The Lemming"....The basic summary of the two books up to where this applys is this. A Lemming is a rodent...A small creature that baffles scientific minds around the world but is such an amazing metaphor for the human race....They breed...And they follow their most primal of instincts...They breed...Gather...Run from predators...And prepare once a year to celebrate life by jumping off a cliff into the sea below...If the fall doesn't kill them, they can't swim and drowm anyways...In the midst of all the chaos one little lemming asks the unpopular questions...What is the hurry??What are we doing this for??? WHat happens AFTER we jump off the cliff???Can we swim??? Then WHY are we doing this??? It makes everbody very uncomfortable...shakes them up a bit having to think about animal insticts instead of just plunging ahead blindly...The little Lemming hears "don't talk or wonder about these things from his family friends and everybody he has ever known so much that he starts to second guess himself...He almost joins them in their mass suicide...he comes right to the edge of the cliff but decideds at the last second to fight his way back against the tide of lemmings to the safety of a large rock...He leaves that place telling the few other lemmings who somehow didn't make it over the cliff and are now ready to start the cycle again that he is no longer an lemming and leaves...AT a clearing in the woods he meets an unlikely buddah figure..a Bear who proceeds to tell him his whole story. He tells the lemming that simply running away from being a lemming will not work...everytime he finds himself thinking a thought that even remotely resembles a "lemming though" he would run screaming in circles thinking to himself "don't ever think lemming thoughts...don't think about your family they are jumpers like the rest of 'um; next thing you know you'll be jumping off a cliff" The bear tells the lemming that in his desperation to not be a lemming he will run himself in circles utill he runs accidently off a cliff or into the jaws of a hungry beast and confirm for himself his worst fears...That he was indeed a lemming, In both life and death...By simply striving to not be something...by running away, his worst fears would end up being realized...The SOLUTION says the bear?!? "RUN TOWARD SOMETHING!!"
THAT is the most valuable lesson I realized from the cumulation of the past two years.2006, I have been living it for two years but is the year I realized it.....I am only now able to grasp what the difference in my life truely is...Its not the church masses I've been too...Its not the philosopical or spiritual talks...Its not searching though spiritual books, scriptures, or instruction books...Those have been the product of one thing...RUN TOWARD SOMETHING....This year as approach 25 I finally see clearly the only way that I can live the life that will bring me happiness and fufillment...
THE KEY IS: RUN TOWARD SOMETHING.
That is my hope for all humanity...that all of the individuals out there stop running from something...stop being bound by fears...stop living in secret hatred of themselves its not good enough to realize that as you are you are flawed or someone you are ashamed to be...YOU can't run away from anything....you can only RUN TOWARD SOMETHING.