Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Waiting for a day without tears

Current mood: melancholy

Everyday I feel a little stronger...Everyday I feel a little clearer... Everyday I know a little more that there is a ray of sun on the horizon...that this past year of turmoil has not been the end of the life I dreamed of having...but maybe is exactly the life I dreamed of only it doesn't look the way I thought it would... I try not to think about you, I try not to worry about all you could be doing to hurt your life, and hurt your mind even further... Every day I try to let go a little more to my attachment to a future with you, and yet keep hope for a future of happiness for us both...I try to remind myself that what I want is not always what is best...that maybe this'll all work out for the best. I wake up every morning after spending the night with you in my dreams... Sometimes I am angry, because my dreams reflected the misery of the you I had to run from...Sometimes I am sad because the you in my dreams needed help, and though I wanted to help so much there was nothing I could do to make you see the hand I was extending... Sometimes I wake up, and all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep...trying all the while not to lose the image of your beautiful face...the depth of your eyes... the brillant smile, the man I fell in love with....Just want to drift back to sleep where nothing clouds your eyes... no pictures between us... no family that means for all the best, no friends who just want to see happiness again where it had gone... just you and me...and we are happy. Somedays are so full of working towards my future, our baby and me...Shopping, moving boxes, cleaning, reading baby books... Somedays would be so hard were it not for the kind distractions of my sweet nephew, and my sister-in-law... The distraction of my mom, my dad, or my sister...breakfasts, dinners, and the days pass......Then theres days like today...when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to provide conversation to while away the time... when law and order episodes have gotten old, and the HGTV redecorating shows have nothing to hold my interest... The Myspace profile has been pimped to the pictures beg to be played with in photoshop....theres nothing good to eat in the fridge... My books all look the same, and all I can do is stare at the TV, not seeing....not hearing...trying not to think or feel...all I can do is try not to wonder where you are, what you are doing...wether you are alive or dead...wether you are making your world better or worse...wether you are one day closer to taking the steps you need to take for a life with me and our child... or wether you are one day closer to forgeting all we could have had, all we have been and me becoming just another name to hate and face to blame in your mind when your unhappiness comes to its climax... I don't want to care anymore...I don't want to worry about you, don't want to hope, or hold onto these stupid dreams of a life we will never have... I want to stop being such a child demanding of God what I want and just LET YOU GO. But mostly these days.........I am just waiting.....waiting for my brothers to finish a bedroom so I can have a place to call my own for the first time in a year...waiting for a job that inspires me to fall from the sky.....waiting for the birth of my baby...our baby...waiting for some clarity from above...waiting for you.... and most of all waiting for a day without tears.....

Currently listening:
By Coldplay
Release date: 07 June, 2005

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