TERROR

Current mood: intense

SO I was lying awake last night... 4 AM... after waking up and getting caught by my thoughts.... This has been a constant since two weeks ago when I quit my Trazadone that I had been taking since the hospital for sleep/nightmare control..... and it came to me why I feel so changed now....

I've been trying to put my finger on this feeling... this physical and simultaneously emotional sensation that I can conjure up at will now... I'd never felt it before.... not fully.... its a feeling that one cannot explain to anyone else... it is completely beyond description.... and I finally figured out what that feeling is.... and in the context of my life so many puzzle pieces finally clicked together....

TERROR.

absolute and sheer terror.... (I know it's an ironic subject to post about today of all days...)

I'd never felt it before.... and I honestly don't think that many people have... unless you've come so close to death that you could FEEL it... taste it... smell and touch it.... you may have an idea of what it feels life.... but you likely can't even begin to know it's full potential.....it's the most horrible feeling ever...

I'm not implying now that DEATH in itself is bad.... in theory I understand that it is a part of life.. that it is inevitable... that it is part of the greater cycle.. plan... circle, call it what you will.... but for me, it has made me realize how absolutely terrified I AM of it.... I thought that I had made some sort of peace with it... I thought that I had accepted it.... I thought that with all of my spiritual searching that I had reached some level of understanding of Death... this summer has made me realize that its all BS.... I've been deluding myself.... all I've done is the same as everyone else... pretended that it is irrelevant and non existent and all the while have let it control every aspect of my life....

Its amazing how much humanity is controled by something so simple as the fear of death.... our entire society is built around it.... every culture in the human world...

can we even imagine what life on this planet would be like if we stopped fearing death?

I can't... I only know my own horror at facing it is so intense that the mere thought can choke me now... it wraps around my throat... my entire body.... it interrupts the rhythm of my heart beat.... wakes me from deep sleep... makes the room shake around me... the contents of my stomach rise to my throat..... makes me feel absolute disgust at the sensation of my own fingers upon my flesh...

I am terrified of disappearing.... terrified of the unknown.... terrified of being another irrelevant human animal come and gone in a moment of time..... and I don't know how I'll ever be able to really live unless I can overcome this.... I guess the first step is that I've realized how much power it has over me... I don't know what else to say but..

I don't want to DIE..... I don't want to die.... I don't wanna die.