Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Current mood: confused

I spent a lot of time talking to my mama today.... about all the things and thoughts that have been left in the wake of this insane summer.... There is this deeply ingrained aspect of my personality that needs to have things organized within my head... I need to know where things stand... put thoughts and memories in tidy places where they belong.... always have been like that... I need to do it so I can UNDERSTAND WHY.... HOW... WHOO or what.... and one of the things that bothers me most about this illness I am caught by is that there is so much that is UNKNOWN.... I have entire days.... weeks, where I have virtually no memories.... no idea where I was, who I was... even WHAT I was.... I had people coming up to me in the hospital (nurses and such) saying ''I'm so glad to see you looking so much better' that I would have swore I never saw in my life.... I have fuzzy images of things here and there but they seem more like hallucinations and dreams than anything... my mom keeps telling me as much as she knows and can recall, and I hear these scenarios and they seem vaguly familiar, as if they COULD have happened... I can kind of picture them... almost put my finger on it, but its not SOLID.... it is a very unnerving feeling.... I can even remember talking to my mom on the phone, and the last thing she said to me right before I went into a seizure.... it freaks the hell out of me to remember that... being there one minute joking about some random thing.....and the next you are just in darkness..... waking up to random faces speaking languages you don't understand.... confusion, rage.... fear.... on a two week long bad trip that you can't escape or even come close to comprehending...... all in a split second, with no prior indication that it was about to happen..... it terrifies me.... it wakes me at night..... it is a constant thought in the back of my mind that it could happen again at anytime.... Drs have said not to worry, that it wont... but how do they KNOW?

I'm starting to feel like I'm in the midst of an identity crisis or something..... I've spent the better part of the last decade of my life trying to educate myself on nature... on my body... on taking care of myself, and the world around me.... and even though we all KNOW in theory that life is fragile... there are no guarentees, etc, etc.... there is always that part of us that believes we are immortal.... that bad things happen to OTHER people, not us.... somehow I thought that if I was doing everything RIGHT that I would NEVER be one of those unhealthy people.... suffering from some dreaded chronic disease.... hospitalization.... haveing to pop 20 to 30 different pills in a day to keep my body from shutting down.... I didn't take anything lightly.... food, health in general.... living a chemical free as possible existance... researching the crap out of everything and anything.... I rarely make decisions regarding mine or lennon's health without SERIOUSLY looking at ALL options and opinions..... and somehow, for all I tried... for all my efforts, its FAILED ME...... misereably.... I don't understand it... I don't get it... I see so many people around me take everything lightly.... go with the crowd... everyone else is doing it and such.... and their lives NEVER seem to be hit with the turmoil that mine does over and over again.... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SO I sit here.... I think about this shit over and over, trying to make some sense.... Did I do something wrong? Where was it, when? Am I rocking the boat too much.... should I stop fighting against the status quo??? PArt of me just feels like throwing my hands up in the air and screaming out to the world I have embraced for so long 'FUCK YOU! FUCK IT ALL! WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CHEMICALS? THE ENVIRONMENT? THE GOVERNMENT?!! We're all going to DIE anyways, one way or another.... and no matter WHAT YOU DO it could happen with the next breath you take...' and another part of me wants to CRY like a little baby and stay sick forever so people will take care of me cause maybe I just can't handle life.... and another part of me wants to say, FUCK BEING SICK! I've been researching this shit for years... I'm going put my money where my mouth has been for years and I am going to find out how the fuck I can HEAL myself of this shit and I am going to get better and pursue that life that I want...... and yet another part of me is scared shitless...... death lurks everywhere now.... it could be on the grapes I just ate.... It could be that SUV speeding up behind us..... It could be a blood test result came in too late and my kidney's fail..... it could be that I try some natural remedy and it makes a bad situation worse.... or I could stay on the drugs and conventional treatments and get worse.... I feel so HELPLESS and out of control in all this.... it is bad to feel so undecided about who, and what to trust... but it is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you can not even trusts your self.... not your memories... your thoughts.... your body.... or your opinions and views on a world you THOUGHT you had some sort of understanding of.....
Yeah... I guess you could say this is a bit of a crisis.... we shall see in time I guess how it all turns out..........................

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