Current mood: discontent
I keep pretending..
That things don't bother me...
that we still have a relationship...despite the years and miles...
I keep pretending that it doesn't hurt...
I keep pretending.... and I know without a doubt
that someday I will get my act together...
that I am so sure of who I am at whatever given point in time...
that I am not terrified of being alone for the rest of my life... that I'm not terrified of death...
that I'm not terrified of failure and success... yes and no....
and I keep pretending that the ultimate terror is not LIFE and the simple act of living it...
I keep pretending...
that I don't need anyone as I push them away...
that I know my ass from my elbow..
that I was abused with intent and with a purpose...
that I'm not totally and completely overwhelmed by being a mom at times..
by being a person at times..
and that whenever I shoot off at the mouth it is with the best of intentions...
I keep pretending that I'm not lonely...
keep pretending that I'm not in pain inside and out..
keep pretending that everything is okay and if not, that it will be someday...
I keep pretending that I am immune to the human condition in all its facets...
I keep pretending that I am a vegetarian eating a healthy diet with a healthy lifestyle... though the photographs would tell otherwise...
I keep pretending that I have something to teach...
that I am unique...
that I am not just another sheep....
another desperate single mom...
sometimes a terrible mom...
another welfare check...
another selfish act in a selfish life...
another complete and total failure....
I keep pretending that these tears aren't real...
and that this fear is not there...
I keep pretending....
............................. and it'll all be okay...
observations, thoughts, poems, and perspectives... from within my fishbowl and without...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
What the hell is our new vice president on?
....and what kind of nasty shit does our new president and administration have in store for us???
Current mood: contemplative
Here is a partial transcript.. of a speech Joe Biden.. (our new vice president elect..) gave to a small.. group.. of campaign donors in late October...... apparently he must have spoke out of turn and said some things that did not go over well with Obama's campaign managers because even though this was in the final weeks of the campaign Joe was basically MIA on the campaign trail after this speech...
October 20, 2008 7:35 AM
ABC News' Matthew Jaffe Reports: Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., on Sunday guaranteed that if elected, Sen. Barack Obama., D-Ill., will be tested by an international crisis within his first six months in power and he will need supporters to stand by him as he makes tough, and possibly unpopular, decisions.
"Mark my words," the Democratic vice presidential nominee warned at the second of his two Seattle fundraisers Sunday. "It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.
Remember I said it standing here if you don't remember anything else I said.
Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.
"
"I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where it might originate," Biden said to Emerald City supporters, mentioning the Middle East and Russia as possibilities. "And he's gonna need help.
And the kind of help he's gonna need is, he's gonna need you - not financially to help him - we're gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right.
"
Not only will the next administration have to deal with foreign affairs issues, Biden warned, but also with the current economic crisis.
"Gird your loins," Biden told the crowd. "We're gonna win with your help, God willing, we're gonna win, but this is not gonna be an easy ride. This president, the next president, is gonna be left with the most significant task. It's like cleaning the Augean stables, man. This is more than just, this is more than – think about it, literally, think about it – this is more than just a capital crisis, this is more than just markets. This is a systemic problem we have with this economy.
"
The Delaware lawmaker managed to rake in an estimated $1 million total from his two money hauls at the downtown Sheraton, the same hotel where four years ago Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., clinched the Democratic nomination. Despite warning about the difficulties the next administration will face, Biden said the Democratic ticket is equipped to meet the challenges head on.
"I've forgotten more about foreign policy than most of my colleagues know, so I'm not being falsely humble with you. I think I can be value added, but this guy has it," the Senate Foreign Relations chairman said of Obama. "This guy has it. But he's gonna need your help.
Because I promise you, you all are gonna be sitting here a year from now going, 'Oh my God, why are they there in the polls? Why is the polling so down? Why is this thing so tough?' We're gonna have to make some incredibly tough decisions in the first two years. So I'm asking you now, I'm asking you now, be prepared to stick with us. Remember the faith you had at this point because you're going to have to reinforce us.
"
"There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, 'Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don't know about that decision'," Biden continued. "Because if you think the decision is sound when they're made, which I believe you will when they're made, they're not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they're popular, they're probably not sound.
"
Biden emphasized that the mountainous Afghanistan-Pakistan border is of particular concern, with Osama bin Laden "alive and well" and Pakistan "bristling with nuclear weapons.
"
"You literally can see what these kids are up against, our kids in that region," Biden said in recalling when his helicopter was forced down due to a snowstorm there. "The place is crawling with al Qaeda. And it's real.
"
"We do not have the military capacity, nor have we ever, quite frankly, in the last 20 years, to dictate outcomes," he cautioned. "It's so much more important than that. It's so much more complicated than that. And Barack gets it.
After speaking for just over a quarter of an hour, Biden noticed the media presence in the back of the small ballroom.
"I probably shouldn't have said all this because it dawned on me that the press is here," he joked.
"All kidding aside, these guys have left us in a God-awful place," he then said of the Bush regime, promptly wrapping up his remarks. "We have the ability to straighten it out. It's gonna take a little bit of time, so I ask you to stay with us. Stay with us".
Hmmmmm... False.. flag...........
Current mood: contemplative
Here is a partial transcript.. of a speech Joe Biden.. (our new vice president elect..) gave to a small.. group.. of campaign donors in late October...... apparently he must have spoke out of turn and said some things that did not go over well with Obama's campaign managers because even though this was in the final weeks of the campaign Joe was basically MIA on the campaign trail after this speech...
October 20, 2008 7:35 AM
ABC News' Matthew Jaffe Reports: Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., on Sunday guaranteed that if elected, Sen. Barack Obama., D-Ill., will be tested by an international crisis within his first six months in power and he will need supporters to stand by him as he makes tough, and possibly unpopular, decisions.
"Mark my words," the Democratic vice presidential nominee warned at the second of his two Seattle fundraisers Sunday. "It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.
Remember I said it standing here if you don't remember anything else I said.
Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.
"
"I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where it might originate," Biden said to Emerald City supporters, mentioning the Middle East and Russia as possibilities. "And he's gonna need help.
And the kind of help he's gonna need is, he's gonna need you - not financially to help him - we're gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right.
"
Not only will the next administration have to deal with foreign affairs issues, Biden warned, but also with the current economic crisis.
"Gird your loins," Biden told the crowd. "We're gonna win with your help, God willing, we're gonna win, but this is not gonna be an easy ride. This president, the next president, is gonna be left with the most significant task. It's like cleaning the Augean stables, man. This is more than just, this is more than – think about it, literally, think about it – this is more than just a capital crisis, this is more than just markets. This is a systemic problem we have with this economy.
"
The Delaware lawmaker managed to rake in an estimated $1 million total from his two money hauls at the downtown Sheraton, the same hotel where four years ago Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., clinched the Democratic nomination. Despite warning about the difficulties the next administration will face, Biden said the Democratic ticket is equipped to meet the challenges head on.
"I've forgotten more about foreign policy than most of my colleagues know, so I'm not being falsely humble with you. I think I can be value added, but this guy has it," the Senate Foreign Relations chairman said of Obama. "This guy has it. But he's gonna need your help.
Because I promise you, you all are gonna be sitting here a year from now going, 'Oh my God, why are they there in the polls? Why is the polling so down? Why is this thing so tough?' We're gonna have to make some incredibly tough decisions in the first two years. So I'm asking you now, I'm asking you now, be prepared to stick with us. Remember the faith you had at this point because you're going to have to reinforce us.
"
"There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, 'Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don't know about that decision'," Biden continued. "Because if you think the decision is sound when they're made, which I believe you will when they're made, they're not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they're popular, they're probably not sound.
"
Biden emphasized that the mountainous Afghanistan-Pakistan border is of particular concern, with Osama bin Laden "alive and well" and Pakistan "bristling with nuclear weapons.
"
"You literally can see what these kids are up against, our kids in that region," Biden said in recalling when his helicopter was forced down due to a snowstorm there. "The place is crawling with al Qaeda. And it's real.
"
"We do not have the military capacity, nor have we ever, quite frankly, in the last 20 years, to dictate outcomes," he cautioned. "It's so much more important than that. It's so much more complicated than that. And Barack gets it.
After speaking for just over a quarter of an hour, Biden noticed the media presence in the back of the small ballroom.
"I probably shouldn't have said all this because it dawned on me that the press is here," he joked.
"All kidding aside, these guys have left us in a God-awful place," he then said of the Bush regime, promptly wrapping up his remarks. "We have the ability to straighten it out. It's gonna take a little bit of time, so I ask you to stay with us. Stay with us".
Hmmmmm... False.. flag...........
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Where Was Secret Service During Bush Shoe Attack?
Current mood: angsty
pulled this from someones blog I stumbled upon.....its some interesting food for thought...
Where Was Secret Service During Bush Shoe Attack?
By Tommy Christopher
Dec 15th 2008 8:06PM
Filed Under:ePresident Bush, Republicans
Am I the only one who's wondering this? These guys are supposed to be ready to take a bullet for the President. Not one of them could catch up to a shoe? Or a second shoe? Where was the dramatic, slo-mo shot of someone diving in front of Bush to take the footgear that was meant for the President? How was this guy allowed to throw that 2nd shoe?
Say what you will about Bush, he displayed not only good reflexes, but a cool head. That guy could have been throwing anything.
When you think about it that way, it really isn't so funny. Love Bush or hate him, any American has got to see that we can't have people throwing stuff at the President. [Exactly! The SS would have shot him before the 2nd throw, even if they shot others in the room as well. They were not standing next to Bush either. They always follow procedure unless an event is pre-planned to fail. Like Kennedys' assassination. I know the thrower is supposed to be being tortured, but the media has gone wild with the story. Why? Even alternative media gets suckered by the MSM-gov ploys.]
Submitted by mytrueword on Tue, 12/16/2008 - 16:42
Laughing George
mytrueword
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=908gw73mY4g
Bush Get Shoe Thrown At Him (UNCUT VERSION) During Iraq Press Conference
[George laughs and winks while painful screams are going on. Very at ease. He KNEW he was in no danger. The apparently brutal treatment of the journalist doesn't bother him. The journalist has become a brave hero and rallying symbol for the Iraqis in their hatred of Bush by their demanding the release of the brave journalist. Yet, the whole event could be a psy-ops one to make the Iraqis and others who have disdain for Bush feel they are getting some kind of revenge through what this journalist has done. It is working that way anyway, even though nothing outside of an actual, aggressive Iraqi uprising or judgmental retribution enacted against Bush can punish him for his crimes or cause him anguish and fear. The journalist may be a courageous man, but at this point his action has only provided an emotional outlet for those who cannot stop or change what is being done in Iraq. ]
Currently watching:
The Muppet Movie
Release date: 1993-03-02
pulled this from someones blog I stumbled upon.....its some interesting food for thought...
Where Was Secret Service During Bush Shoe Attack?
By Tommy Christopher
Dec 15th 2008 8:06PM
Filed Under:ePresident Bush, Republicans
Am I the only one who's wondering this? These guys are supposed to be ready to take a bullet for the President. Not one of them could catch up to a shoe? Or a second shoe? Where was the dramatic, slo-mo shot of someone diving in front of Bush to take the footgear that was meant for the President? How was this guy allowed to throw that 2nd shoe?
Say what you will about Bush, he displayed not only good reflexes, but a cool head. That guy could have been throwing anything.
When you think about it that way, it really isn't so funny. Love Bush or hate him, any American has got to see that we can't have people throwing stuff at the President. [Exactly! The SS would have shot him before the 2nd throw, even if they shot others in the room as well. They were not standing next to Bush either. They always follow procedure unless an event is pre-planned to fail. Like Kennedys' assassination. I know the thrower is supposed to be being tortured, but the media has gone wild with the story. Why? Even alternative media gets suckered by the MSM-gov ploys.]
Submitted by mytrueword on Tue, 12/16/2008 - 16:42
Laughing George
mytrueword
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=908gw73mY4g
Bush Get Shoe Thrown At Him (UNCUT VERSION) During Iraq Press Conference
[George laughs and winks while painful screams are going on. Very at ease. He KNEW he was in no danger. The apparently brutal treatment of the journalist doesn't bother him. The journalist has become a brave hero and rallying symbol for the Iraqis in their hatred of Bush by their demanding the release of the brave journalist. Yet, the whole event could be a psy-ops one to make the Iraqis and others who have disdain for Bush feel they are getting some kind of revenge through what this journalist has done. It is working that way anyway, even though nothing outside of an actual, aggressive Iraqi uprising or judgmental retribution enacted against Bush can punish him for his crimes or cause him anguish and fear. The journalist may be a courageous man, but at this point his action has only provided an emotional outlet for those who cannot stop or change what is being done in Iraq. ]
Currently watching:
The Muppet Movie
Release date: 1993-03-02
Friday, December 5, 2008
ART and CREATIONS - Finally set up shop!!
Current mood: artistic
hey everyone, just wanted to let you all know that I finally have my shop set up for business. I have loaded a bunch of stuff, with more going up every day! Go check it out if you get a moment and let me know what you think! :)
http://mamatrashheap.etsy.com
Kalee
hey everyone, just wanted to let you all know that I finally have my shop set up for business. I have loaded a bunch of stuff, with more going up every day! Go check it out if you get a moment and let me know what you think! :)
http://mamatrashheap.etsy.com
Kalee
I’m going to go back there someday...
Current mood:EVERYTHING.
This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,
Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet.
Close to my soul, and yet so far away.
I'm going to go back there someday.
Sun rises, night falls, sometimes the sky calls.
Is that a song there, and do I belong there?
I've never been there, but I know the way.
I'm going to go back there someday.
Come and go with me, it's more fun to share,
We'll both be completely at home in midair.
We're flyin', not walkin', on featherless wings.
We can hold onto love like invisible strings.
There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there someday.
I'm going to go back there someday.
-Gonzo
Currently watching:
The Science of Sleep
Release date: 2007-02-06
This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,
Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet.
Close to my soul, and yet so far away.
I'm going to go back there someday.
Sun rises, night falls, sometimes the sky calls.
Is that a song there, and do I belong there?
I've never been there, but I know the way.
I'm going to go back there someday.
Come and go with me, it's more fun to share,
We'll both be completely at home in midair.
We're flyin', not walkin', on featherless wings.
We can hold onto love like invisible strings.
There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there someday.
I'm going to go back there someday.
-Gonzo
Currently watching:
The Science of Sleep
Release date: 2007-02-06
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Lennon said "I love you"
Current mood: amorous
...to me for the first time yesterday!!! :) He's been saying it to everyone from his Grampa to the Garbageman for a couple weeks, everyone except me. Cause he usually says it when people are leaving... as a part of his "dyyye! (bye) A YAH YOU! (I love you)" and usually when I am leaving he is busy throwing a fit and doesn't say bye to me.... But yesterday I was stepping out the door to run outside for a minute and he said it to me! So I opened the door back up and said it to him and he said it twice more (just the I love you part).... it was about the loveliest thing EVER. :-D
Currently watching:
Wall-E (Widescreen Single-Disc Edition)
Release date: 2008-11-18
...to me for the first time yesterday!!! :) He's been saying it to everyone from his Grampa to the Garbageman for a couple weeks, everyone except me. Cause he usually says it when people are leaving... as a part of his "dyyye! (bye) A YAH YOU! (I love you)" and usually when I am leaving he is busy throwing a fit and doesn't say bye to me.... But yesterday I was stepping out the door to run outside for a minute and he said it to me! So I opened the door back up and said it to him and he said it twice more (just the I love you part).... it was about the loveliest thing EVER. :-D
Currently watching:
Wall-E (Widescreen Single-Disc Edition)
Release date: 2008-11-18
Friday, November 28, 2008
who dictates logic and fact?
Current mood: grateful
Happy crappy-excuse-to-stuff-myself day everyone :) just some thoughts on life.... It occured to me (as it sometimes does) today that I don't spend nearly enough time cuddling, playing with, or hugging my child as I should... In those moments when I actually do it feels like the most awesome and natural thing in the world... I have a great time talking to and just generally hanging out with Lennon... its amazing how intelligent and loving and creative he is, and it becomes so obvious to me how much he is constantly trying to communicate with the world around him, even though his verbal skills aren't the greatest... though others may not see or understand it, in those moments when I am actually paying attention.. IN TUNE with my little son, I understand so much of what he says, and what he means through his actions and signs... I don't do any of it anywhere near as much as I should though.... somehow or another I forget how cool he is... or I get distracted by any one of a number of worthless things... or I get caught up in the constant nagging of "me, me, me"... waste time indulging in selfishness, foolishness, or self pity...
I also, at times, don't set limits for him like I should, when I should... sometimes because I am so afraid of sounding like any one of the many parents that I have criticized at one time or another... other times because I am unsure of what the hell it means to be a human-being myself and thus do not feel qualifyed to tell my child what is up or down, right or wrong..... but too often it is because I am simply giving in to laziness or self indulgence... too busy to see or hear... running far too fast, or much too blinded by my own wants to see what HE NEEDS...
It sucks to see and realize these things but to have a serious lack of motivation to stop doing, and being this person... maybe that is what I hope to strive for with blogs of thoughts such as this...... I try to summon it up, that motivation, but since this summer's events I have been having a pretty tought time doing it anymore... Before june I feel like there were all these things I knew about life... and all these attributes I had already discovered... all these flaws within me I was working on and all these amazing qualities I was just learning to appreciate about myself.... and I don't know what happened to so much of it... I don't know if it is temporary effects of the trauma... or of the meds.... or wether it is a permanent scar that my mind now carries to match the ones on my body.... I will think thoughts now that I am sure I've had before... I'll have an epiphany... only to realize that its one I've had before but had since forgotten... it's like being on a crash course of all the lessons of life that I had already taken the full course on, if that makes any sense... I was pretty sure I was on my way to being an awesome mama, and maybe even a pretty good human being... and now I fear I may have lost my way for a bit...
and then there on the other hand is another side to this ordeal of mine... The answers to the prayers I had been sending out to the world and hadn't even been aware of... The lessons I so badly needed to learn... the karmic debts I had yet to admit I owed...The wake up calls and the slaps in the face and the realizations of how many awesome opportunities stare me in the face....The statments and expressions of truth ringing in my ears.... So much of them sound so clease to even try to put into words... but they all call out truer than they ever have before to this girl... Life is too short to waste focusing on our differences... why do I focus so much on what drives us apart... on YOUR FLAWS when I have so many of my own? Life is too short to waste wondering "what if?" or being bitter about all those events and people who didn't work out the way I thought they should... Life is not promised or guarenteed for any length of time, nor to anyone no matter what bargins they try to make with health... too unpredictable to take those we hold high for granted, repeating those ever famous line about needing to get together soon and laughing about how time flies and making hollow promises of plans that never pan out....Our time is MUCH too short to spend stuck in the same place.... sitting at the starting line afraid to move a muscle for fear of failure or ridicule... in a tree afraid to chose another limb for fear of falling.. ready to jump in any old leaky boat for fear of actually reaching the other side... its TOO short... and you don't have THAT KIND of time.
Its hard to know what true caring, love, and compassion is until you have had to have someone else wipe your ass and bathe you... its a hard thing for me to even concieve of now, let alone talk about, how helpless I really was when sickness ravaged my body and mind.... hard to look back and feel again what I felt in some of those moments... try and REALLY recall... and no matter how hard I try I can't............................... the terrifying moments when I felt like I was falling out of my skin... being ripped from the only body I can recall knowing... Those hazy moments with angels in blue and devils tearing me apart inside and out. Hallucinations of self mutilation... my daddy by my side always with a cold damp cloth to sooth my forehead... my mom: so scared.... I thought she looked like a fragile bird almost broken in two.... my little boy.. petrified and confused by his own mother... running from me and hiding his face.... how much I missed him.... the physical ache and the never ending lump in my throat of being torn from him and not having him there to cuddle... to nurse to sleep.... to hug... or EVEN to just be able to sit and watch him babbling his foreign tounges and being a silly little kid.... straining to hear him in the background on the phone... hoping for a "he-woah, wha?" on the speakerphone.... my heart in agony at the sound of him crying 30 miles away, but what could have been a million miles... not being close enough to wrap my arms around him, wipe away his tears and kiss his nose... no cold little toes digging into my side and no smallish fingers tangled around my dreaded locks of hair as I tried to sleep it all away....
...and then there was my brothers and sisters: my friends... with tears in their eyes... looking at me in a way I had never seen them look... afraid that tommorrow I may not be there... trying to be courageous and not let me know just how close death's grip might be... all willing me the strength to hang on and FIGHT for my life... and somewhere in my drugged and confused mind even the vague knowledge of all the friends and aquaintences who in some way, wether large or just for a moment, had heard the news and felt for my family and I... and all the fear and sorrow I felt for those I would leave behind and the ordeals that they would experience with my passing.... And most horrifying of all... that darkness I was spinning in.... swallowing me up.... afraid to let go and fall.... see if there might be more light on the other side.... afraid to stay another day... to face another moment of a waking nightmare.... and that unconcious understanding that it was my choice to make.... which way I would go... so much unfinished and undone.... so many things still to breathe for....
....all of these things I am coming to grips with... trying to absorb still... and also trying not to let the physical, mental, emotionals scars and lingering wounds keep me from moving forward...
...and in light of all of this....
On this day of thanksgiving. I refuse to give thanks to or for the twisted (and as of now manipulated and adulterated in common references) events which brought about the creation of the corrupted/corrupting heirarchey currently in place in this GREAT LANDmass which holds so many incredible human and non human lives.... but I will undoubtedly and wholeheartedly give thanks for the life which still gives a throne for this soul to sit... the lungs which still breathe and the heart which still beats... the kidneys that still cleanse my body of the toxins which poison it... the brain which survived to think another day... slowly yet steadily recovering from the damages suffered from seizing and sedating alike... for the over 400 human arms which donated the blood and plasmas that saved the only mother my son will ever have (and the body's and soul's attached to those arms :)) and for the many souls out there who wether seen or unbeknownst to me held me up when I was falling down. I am truely grateful for all for the first time on this: THANKSgiving day....
Currently reading:
The Sneetches and Other Stories
By Dr. Seuss
Release date: 1961-08-12
Happy crappy-excuse-to-stuff-myself day everyone :) just some thoughts on life.... It occured to me (as it sometimes does) today that I don't spend nearly enough time cuddling, playing with, or hugging my child as I should... In those moments when I actually do it feels like the most awesome and natural thing in the world... I have a great time talking to and just generally hanging out with Lennon... its amazing how intelligent and loving and creative he is, and it becomes so obvious to me how much he is constantly trying to communicate with the world around him, even though his verbal skills aren't the greatest... though others may not see or understand it, in those moments when I am actually paying attention.. IN TUNE with my little son, I understand so much of what he says, and what he means through his actions and signs... I don't do any of it anywhere near as much as I should though.... somehow or another I forget how cool he is... or I get distracted by any one of a number of worthless things... or I get caught up in the constant nagging of "me, me, me"... waste time indulging in selfishness, foolishness, or self pity...
I also, at times, don't set limits for him like I should, when I should... sometimes because I am so afraid of sounding like any one of the many parents that I have criticized at one time or another... other times because I am unsure of what the hell it means to be a human-being myself and thus do not feel qualifyed to tell my child what is up or down, right or wrong..... but too often it is because I am simply giving in to laziness or self indulgence... too busy to see or hear... running far too fast, or much too blinded by my own wants to see what HE NEEDS...
It sucks to see and realize these things but to have a serious lack of motivation to stop doing, and being this person... maybe that is what I hope to strive for with blogs of thoughts such as this...... I try to summon it up, that motivation, but since this summer's events I have been having a pretty tought time doing it anymore... Before june I feel like there were all these things I knew about life... and all these attributes I had already discovered... all these flaws within me I was working on and all these amazing qualities I was just learning to appreciate about myself.... and I don't know what happened to so much of it... I don't know if it is temporary effects of the trauma... or of the meds.... or wether it is a permanent scar that my mind now carries to match the ones on my body.... I will think thoughts now that I am sure I've had before... I'll have an epiphany... only to realize that its one I've had before but had since forgotten... it's like being on a crash course of all the lessons of life that I had already taken the full course on, if that makes any sense... I was pretty sure I was on my way to being an awesome mama, and maybe even a pretty good human being... and now I fear I may have lost my way for a bit...
and then there on the other hand is another side to this ordeal of mine... The answers to the prayers I had been sending out to the world and hadn't even been aware of... The lessons I so badly needed to learn... the karmic debts I had yet to admit I owed...The wake up calls and the slaps in the face and the realizations of how many awesome opportunities stare me in the face....The statments and expressions of truth ringing in my ears.... So much of them sound so clease to even try to put into words... but they all call out truer than they ever have before to this girl... Life is too short to waste focusing on our differences... why do I focus so much on what drives us apart... on YOUR FLAWS when I have so many of my own? Life is too short to waste wondering "what if?" or being bitter about all those events and people who didn't work out the way I thought they should... Life is not promised or guarenteed for any length of time, nor to anyone no matter what bargins they try to make with health... too unpredictable to take those we hold high for granted, repeating those ever famous line about needing to get together soon and laughing about how time flies and making hollow promises of plans that never pan out....Our time is MUCH too short to spend stuck in the same place.... sitting at the starting line afraid to move a muscle for fear of failure or ridicule... in a tree afraid to chose another limb for fear of falling.. ready to jump in any old leaky boat for fear of actually reaching the other side... its TOO short... and you don't have THAT KIND of time.
Its hard to know what true caring, love, and compassion is until you have had to have someone else wipe your ass and bathe you... its a hard thing for me to even concieve of now, let alone talk about, how helpless I really was when sickness ravaged my body and mind.... hard to look back and feel again what I felt in some of those moments... try and REALLY recall... and no matter how hard I try I can't............................... the terrifying moments when I felt like I was falling out of my skin... being ripped from the only body I can recall knowing... Those hazy moments with angels in blue and devils tearing me apart inside and out. Hallucinations of self mutilation... my daddy by my side always with a cold damp cloth to sooth my forehead... my mom: so scared.... I thought she looked like a fragile bird almost broken in two.... my little boy.. petrified and confused by his own mother... running from me and hiding his face.... how much I missed him.... the physical ache and the never ending lump in my throat of being torn from him and not having him there to cuddle... to nurse to sleep.... to hug... or EVEN to just be able to sit and watch him babbling his foreign tounges and being a silly little kid.... straining to hear him in the background on the phone... hoping for a "he-woah, wha?" on the speakerphone.... my heart in agony at the sound of him crying 30 miles away, but what could have been a million miles... not being close enough to wrap my arms around him, wipe away his tears and kiss his nose... no cold little toes digging into my side and no smallish fingers tangled around my dreaded locks of hair as I tried to sleep it all away....
...and then there was my brothers and sisters: my friends... with tears in their eyes... looking at me in a way I had never seen them look... afraid that tommorrow I may not be there... trying to be courageous and not let me know just how close death's grip might be... all willing me the strength to hang on and FIGHT for my life... and somewhere in my drugged and confused mind even the vague knowledge of all the friends and aquaintences who in some way, wether large or just for a moment, had heard the news and felt for my family and I... and all the fear and sorrow I felt for those I would leave behind and the ordeals that they would experience with my passing.... And most horrifying of all... that darkness I was spinning in.... swallowing me up.... afraid to let go and fall.... see if there might be more light on the other side.... afraid to stay another day... to face another moment of a waking nightmare.... and that unconcious understanding that it was my choice to make.... which way I would go... so much unfinished and undone.... so many things still to breathe for....
....all of these things I am coming to grips with... trying to absorb still... and also trying not to let the physical, mental, emotionals scars and lingering wounds keep me from moving forward...
...and in light of all of this....
On this day of thanksgiving. I refuse to give thanks to or for the twisted (and as of now manipulated and adulterated in common references) events which brought about the creation of the corrupted/corrupting heirarchey currently in place in this GREAT LANDmass which holds so many incredible human and non human lives.... but I will undoubtedly and wholeheartedly give thanks for the life which still gives a throne for this soul to sit... the lungs which still breathe and the heart which still beats... the kidneys that still cleanse my body of the toxins which poison it... the brain which survived to think another day... slowly yet steadily recovering from the damages suffered from seizing and sedating alike... for the over 400 human arms which donated the blood and plasmas that saved the only mother my son will ever have (and the body's and soul's attached to those arms :)) and for the many souls out there who wether seen or unbeknownst to me held me up when I was falling down. I am truely grateful for all for the first time on this: THANKSgiving day....
Currently reading:
The Sneetches and Other Stories
By Dr. Seuss
Release date: 1961-08-12
one final thought on falling...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
First, in my confusion, I thought that the blackness I had seen while falling from my body was reason to fear death.... that it meant that there was nothing more after this life has left us... these houses have passed away.... but now I have realized it is confirmation for me of the exact opposite... confirmation of what I had long since suspected: that our experience in death is relative to our experiences in this life.....
The darkness was there in that moment because it was not yet my time.... if I had let go and let myself fall it would have been out of cowardice... I would have died the same way that I had lived up until that moment... RUNNING blindly and in fear... terrified of feeling any pain... scared of facing tommorrow... and in doing so running right into the grip of the dark forces in life that I was trying to escape.... I believe it is the same in life as in death.... my life was not finished... my purposes not yet fully completed... to die would have been the final act of selfishness in a life so often played with little regard for any feeling outside my own bubble.... This was truely my second chance at life... and my most urgent motivation to truely live...
Category: Life
First, in my confusion, I thought that the blackness I had seen while falling from my body was reason to fear death.... that it meant that there was nothing more after this life has left us... these houses have passed away.... but now I have realized it is confirmation for me of the exact opposite... confirmation of what I had long since suspected: that our experience in death is relative to our experiences in this life.....
The darkness was there in that moment because it was not yet my time.... if I had let go and let myself fall it would have been out of cowardice... I would have died the same way that I had lived up until that moment... RUNNING blindly and in fear... terrified of feeling any pain... scared of facing tommorrow... and in doing so running right into the grip of the dark forces in life that I was trying to escape.... I believe it is the same in life as in death.... my life was not finished... my purposes not yet fully completed... to die would have been the final act of selfishness in a life so often played with little regard for any feeling outside my own bubble.... This was truely my second chance at life... and my most urgent motivation to truely live...
Thursday, November 6, 2008
wasting your vote...
Current mood: insubordinate
Category: News and Politics
Wasting Your Vote
by Mark Jeantheau, GrinningPlanet.com
A VOTE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO BE FORCED TO WASTE
Wasting Your Vote — The Voters' Choice in 2008:
Darth Vader, The Emperor, or Luke Skywalker
Election Day 2008 is coming. Perhaps you lean right and have a case of Baracknophobia, or you lean left and think McCain is insane-in-the-brain. There are indeed some differences in how the two candidates present their platforms, but underneath all the talk and sniping, whichever of these two candidates gets elected will largely continue Business As Usual in the US, merely taking slightly different paths to the same end—the further entrenchment of corporate power and further support for the rigged system by which the rich get richer during good times and let the poor pay for the elites' mistakes when their leveraged investments go south.
During the primaries, the few Democratic and Republican candidates who talked about real issues honestly—Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich, and John Edwards—were all run out of the race by their corporate-dominated parties. Ralph Nader, who ran as a third-party candidate or independent in 2000 and 2004 and is now running again in 2008, has been even more forthright about the country's most important problems, most notably the issue of corporate dominance of the federal government and corporate hegemony in American life. But Nader is beyond even being considered a long-shot for victory in November, and writing-in a candidate like Kucinich or Paul or Edwards seems like a no-impact approach. So, one really has to pick between Obama and McCain, or it's just wasting your vote, right?
Feel the Power of the Force
Hmm. Let's imagine for a moment...
Let's say we're going to vote in a galactic political contest—the 2008 Election for Supreme Ruler of the Universe. The Republican candidate is the crusty, creepy Emperor from Star Wars. The Democratic candidate is a convincing upstart named Darth Vader. In this scenario, though, the public is convinced that the Emperor and Vader are on different sides of the issues. In reality, of course, they work towards the same purpose but with different techniques. Your only other voting choice is a third-party candidate named Luke Skywalker.
Election 2008 environmental voting
The media pundits pronounce that Skywalker has no chance of winning. This strongly implies that to avoid "wasting your vote" you must vote for the Emperor or Darth Vader, right? But would it not also be a waste of your vote to give it to either of the voting for Skywalker makes a statement of protest, a small finger-poke in the chest of The Powers That Be to say "I don't like your corrupt system and I'm not gonna vote for either of your henchmen."
Back to Real Life
The Star Wars election metaphor maps rather easily to the actual 2008 election: McCain/Emperor, Obama/Vader, Nader/Skywalker. The specifics are different, of course, but the overarching themes align quite well: There are two establishment candidates (McCain and Obama) and one anti-establishment candidate (Nader). The differences between the two establishment candidates are minimal compared to the stark contrast between either of them and Nader, who asserts correctly that "the establishment" the other two men yearn to preside over is a cesspool of corruption. Without a plan for radical change—sweeping reform of campaign contributions, elimination of corporate lobbying, and a breakup of corporate media—the establishment candidates' promises of change are empty, and the differences between their platforms are minor.
Those who favor McCain will surely protest that he is a great hero, a patriot who only has this country's best interests at heart. His actions and recent rhetoric tell us that whatever patriotic feelings he has in his gut, his brain has been co-opted by the same dark forces that have steered things in such a calamitously wrong direction over the last eight years (and, to some extent, the eight years before that too, when Clinton championed disastrous policies like NAFTA, media consolidation, and repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act, which laid the foundation for the current financial crisis).
Those who favor Obama will insist that here, finally, is a candidate for real change. But Obama does not oppose corporate power, and his solutions to our energy crisis include more nuclear power plants and support for the mythological "clean coal." He should be supporting massive investment in and conversion to truly sustainable energy technologies. He should tell us the truth about our energy future—that reductions in total energy use will be required (i.e. we will have to undertake "lifestyle changes," a verboten topic in politics). But Obama is not really about true change; the best one might say is that he's merely "less bad" than McCain on some issues and will go about destroying the planet more slowly.
Category: News and Politics
Wasting Your Vote
by Mark Jeantheau, GrinningPlanet.com
A VOTE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO BE FORCED TO WASTE
Wasting Your Vote — The Voters' Choice in 2008:
Darth Vader, The Emperor, or Luke Skywalker
Election Day 2008 is coming. Perhaps you lean right and have a case of Baracknophobia, or you lean left and think McCain is insane-in-the-brain. There are indeed some differences in how the two candidates present their platforms, but underneath all the talk and sniping, whichever of these two candidates gets elected will largely continue Business As Usual in the US, merely taking slightly different paths to the same end—the further entrenchment of corporate power and further support for the rigged system by which the rich get richer during good times and let the poor pay for the elites' mistakes when their leveraged investments go south.
During the primaries, the few Democratic and Republican candidates who talked about real issues honestly—Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich, and John Edwards—were all run out of the race by their corporate-dominated parties. Ralph Nader, who ran as a third-party candidate or independent in 2000 and 2004 and is now running again in 2008, has been even more forthright about the country's most important problems, most notably the issue of corporate dominance of the federal government and corporate hegemony in American life. But Nader is beyond even being considered a long-shot for victory in November, and writing-in a candidate like Kucinich or Paul or Edwards seems like a no-impact approach. So, one really has to pick between Obama and McCain, or it's just wasting your vote, right?
Feel the Power of the Force
Hmm. Let's imagine for a moment...
Let's say we're going to vote in a galactic political contest—the 2008 Election for Supreme Ruler of the Universe. The Republican candidate is the crusty, creepy Emperor from Star Wars. The Democratic candidate is a convincing upstart named Darth Vader. In this scenario, though, the public is convinced that the Emperor and Vader are on different sides of the issues. In reality, of course, they work towards the same purpose but with different techniques. Your only other voting choice is a third-party candidate named Luke Skywalker.
Election 2008 environmental voting
The media pundits pronounce that Skywalker has no chance of winning. This strongly implies that to avoid "wasting your vote" you must vote for the Emperor or Darth Vader, right? But would it not also be a waste of your vote to give it to either of the voting for Skywalker makes a statement of protest, a small finger-poke in the chest of The Powers That Be to say "I don't like your corrupt system and I'm not gonna vote for either of your henchmen."
Back to Real Life
The Star Wars election metaphor maps rather easily to the actual 2008 election: McCain/Emperor, Obama/Vader, Nader/Skywalker. The specifics are different, of course, but the overarching themes align quite well: There are two establishment candidates (McCain and Obama) and one anti-establishment candidate (Nader). The differences between the two establishment candidates are minimal compared to the stark contrast between either of them and Nader, who asserts correctly that "the establishment" the other two men yearn to preside over is a cesspool of corruption. Without a plan for radical change—sweeping reform of campaign contributions, elimination of corporate lobbying, and a breakup of corporate media—the establishment candidates' promises of change are empty, and the differences between their platforms are minor.
Those who favor McCain will surely protest that he is a great hero, a patriot who only has this country's best interests at heart. His actions and recent rhetoric tell us that whatever patriotic feelings he has in his gut, his brain has been co-opted by the same dark forces that have steered things in such a calamitously wrong direction over the last eight years (and, to some extent, the eight years before that too, when Clinton championed disastrous policies like NAFTA, media consolidation, and repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act, which laid the foundation for the current financial crisis).
Those who favor Obama will insist that here, finally, is a candidate for real change. But Obama does not oppose corporate power, and his solutions to our energy crisis include more nuclear power plants and support for the mythological "clean coal." He should be supporting massive investment in and conversion to truly sustainable energy technologies. He should tell us the truth about our energy future—that reductions in total energy use will be required (i.e. we will have to undertake "lifestyle changes," a verboten topic in politics). But Obama is not really about true change; the best one might say is that he's merely "less bad" than McCain on some issues and will go about destroying the planet more slowly.
yeah thats right... I voted Nader.
Current mood: impervious
Howdy folks... just a quickie today... Just wanted to say Hi to everyone. My recovery is still moving right along... Protein spillage counts are still dropping. I am almost off the prednisone, which has kinda sucked to wean from... All sorts of fun aches and pains come along with depriving your body of steroids after it has become used to them. I feel like I'm 80 years old with bad arthritis some days! But this too shall pass so, its all good! My face is starting to look a tiny bit like ME again, and the swelling in my feet and ankles is going down too.... I am completely off all the mood altering shit they had me on... Dealing with some necessary attitude adjustments from that, but again... taking it one day at a time! I went to see a Lawyer today... he seemed like a decent fellow, but not the ball of fire that I was hoping for... If anyone out there knows a real hotshot kinda lawyer who does personal injury cases please let me know!
hmmmmm what else has happened since last post.... Halloweenie.... um Lemon and I dressed as Gorgons... me as Medusa and him as my adorable little spawn ;) I made both our costumes...needle felted 30 or so snakes to twist in amongst my dreads and made him a hat with needle felted snakes all over it. We both dresses in all green and green makeup and such...
The afternoon and evening were one of those times where NOTHING goes as planned and thus I didn't get any pictures, but have no fear (lol) I still have our awesome costumes and I shall be putting us back in them at some point soon to take some photos, which I will then post promptly for your viewing pleasure.... In other news I am trying to get a storefront up online with all of my random creations for sale... I'll post a link and all that good stuff once it is done.... I'm hoping to start going back to a pool every day again next week after about a month hiatus... it seemed like it was helping alot and if nothing else was giving me an hour or two everyday to collect my thoughts and gain a bit of my vanishing sanity! So hopefully that will happen.... I guess thats about it... on to that most dreaded of subjects..... POLITICS
So yeah, YES I voted for Nader/Gonzalez... Why? Because it was the ONLY choice I could feel okay about... well not the only, it was a toss up between him and Cynthia Mckinney the Green Party's candidate... Sorry but I think the two party system is a bunch of bullshit and I think voting for the lesser of two evil bastards is ridiculous... If I am going to bother participating in the game of "election day" than I am going to vote for someone who truely speaks of a "CHANGE" I can believe in... not some bullshit flashy rhetoric and catch phrases.... and just cause someone can raise his voice in a psuedo passionate way in all the right places in his speeches does not make him my saviour, or the next MLK, or any of the other foolish things I've heard Rabid Obama fans spouting... Yeah McCain may have been slightly more evil... but Obama's voting record speaks for itself... he is just as easily bought as all the rest! The "changes" he mentions when he is actually getting specific (which is rarely) are hardly the radical ideas that are needed to truely change this country... I don't care how much he uses the word "change"...I'll believe it when I SEE IT. Believe me, I hope that I'll have to eat those words some day... but I'm not gonna hold my breath on it.... Yah know what would be a good first step he could take to prove he is so much different than all the other snakes in washington? If his first official act as President was to indict those scum sucking POS's (Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Petreus...ETC... etc... etc) on all of the crimes against America and against ALL OF HUMANITY that they've been commiting for the past 8 years.... but I'm pretty sure that won't happen....I'm pretty sure his first act will be to join in which ever of those currently active crimes is the most profitable for him and his..... Am I cynical? no.... just realistic, outspoken, and informed... Its a shame more Americans aren't... maybe if they were there'd be something behind all the "FREEDOM" speak.....
Currently watching:
Zeitgeist, The Movie
Howdy folks... just a quickie today... Just wanted to say Hi to everyone. My recovery is still moving right along... Protein spillage counts are still dropping. I am almost off the prednisone, which has kinda sucked to wean from... All sorts of fun aches and pains come along with depriving your body of steroids after it has become used to them. I feel like I'm 80 years old with bad arthritis some days! But this too shall pass so, its all good! My face is starting to look a tiny bit like ME again, and the swelling in my feet and ankles is going down too.... I am completely off all the mood altering shit they had me on... Dealing with some necessary attitude adjustments from that, but again... taking it one day at a time! I went to see a Lawyer today... he seemed like a decent fellow, but not the ball of fire that I was hoping for... If anyone out there knows a real hotshot kinda lawyer who does personal injury cases please let me know!
hmmmmm what else has happened since last post.... Halloweenie.... um Lemon and I dressed as Gorgons... me as Medusa and him as my adorable little spawn ;) I made both our costumes...needle felted 30 or so snakes to twist in amongst my dreads and made him a hat with needle felted snakes all over it. We both dresses in all green and green makeup and such...
The afternoon and evening were one of those times where NOTHING goes as planned and thus I didn't get any pictures, but have no fear (lol) I still have our awesome costumes and I shall be putting us back in them at some point soon to take some photos, which I will then post promptly for your viewing pleasure.... In other news I am trying to get a storefront up online with all of my random creations for sale... I'll post a link and all that good stuff once it is done.... I'm hoping to start going back to a pool every day again next week after about a month hiatus... it seemed like it was helping alot and if nothing else was giving me an hour or two everyday to collect my thoughts and gain a bit of my vanishing sanity! So hopefully that will happen.... I guess thats about it... on to that most dreaded of subjects..... POLITICS
So yeah, YES I voted for Nader/Gonzalez... Why? Because it was the ONLY choice I could feel okay about... well not the only, it was a toss up between him and Cynthia Mckinney the Green Party's candidate... Sorry but I think the two party system is a bunch of bullshit and I think voting for the lesser of two evil bastards is ridiculous... If I am going to bother participating in the game of "election day" than I am going to vote for someone who truely speaks of a "CHANGE" I can believe in... not some bullshit flashy rhetoric and catch phrases.... and just cause someone can raise his voice in a psuedo passionate way in all the right places in his speeches does not make him my saviour, or the next MLK, or any of the other foolish things I've heard Rabid Obama fans spouting... Yeah McCain may have been slightly more evil... but Obama's voting record speaks for itself... he is just as easily bought as all the rest! The "changes" he mentions when he is actually getting specific (which is rarely) are hardly the radical ideas that are needed to truely change this country... I don't care how much he uses the word "change"...I'll believe it when I SEE IT. Believe me, I hope that I'll have to eat those words some day... but I'm not gonna hold my breath on it.... Yah know what would be a good first step he could take to prove he is so much different than all the other snakes in washington? If his first official act as President was to indict those scum sucking POS's (Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Petreus...ETC... etc... etc) on all of the crimes against America and against ALL OF HUMANITY that they've been commiting for the past 8 years.... but I'm pretty sure that won't happen....I'm pretty sure his first act will be to join in which ever of those currently active crimes is the most profitable for him and his..... Am I cynical? no.... just realistic, outspoken, and informed... Its a shame more Americans aren't... maybe if they were there'd be something behind all the "FREEDOM" speak.....
Currently watching:
Zeitgeist, The Movie
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Biopsy Results and such
Current mood:doing the "NO MORE PREDNISONE" jig!
Hello Hello,
I went to my Kidney Doc yesterday afternoon to get the results of my biopsy.... GOOD NEWS :) There is no apparent permanent damage to the filters of my kidneys... which was a concern since kidney filters are necessary and are unable to repair themselves once damaged... SO THAT IS AWESOME! In fact, as far as they can see there should be noo permanent damage at all! The tiny little capillaries (blood vessels) were damaged by the HUS/TTP and that is likely why I am still spilling so much protein, but my doc says he fully expects them to heal over time... The other good news, HE IS TAKING ME OFF THE PREDNISONE!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I nearly had to jump up and do a jig when he said that.... Granted I will be on it for another 5 or 6 weeks as it gets tapered off but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel, plus I should start seeing less side effects since the dosage will be HALF what I was on within a week (he cut it by quarter at present so 30mg instead of 40mg) Next week I will go to 20mg.... I can't wait for the effects of this shit to stop!! WOOHOO! No more fat face and a half, no more wierd hair growth, no more violent mood swings and hard to control temper... plus I can stop worrying about bone loss and all the less obvious effects this junk has.... ANYWHO.... My problems are far from over... protein leakage is still quite high, but he doesn't think the prednisone is going to do anymore than it has already done.. at this point he said its just a waiting game... he expects that at some point my body will "flip a switch" and my kidneys will take back over and do what they should be doing with all that protein. He did add on one medication but it is a pretty minor one... no bad side effects and stuff, he thinks it might help with the protien a little bit so well see...................but mostly we are counting on my body to fix itself.....SO that sounds good to me... Ive gotta go back to my naturapath soon... between that and the acupuncture and chiropractic I have high hopes that they will be able to help my body heal itself and I will have no lasting damage to any vital organs! HOORAY :)
Thats pretty much all I have to report for now... Things are okay on the homefront... I feel like I took a little step back the past couple weeks, between the biopsy and having to take it easy for a weekish, not being able to go to the pool, and my diet not being the best cause I haven't felt up to cooking healthy food.... BUT I'm getting back on the wagon now and trying to make up for the energy I lost... One of my bestest friends who lives practically in another country is in town so I'm pretty dang happy about that, and another of my bestest friends is coming for a visit this weekend and we are having a bonfire and stuff with the kiddies and her family (who are all really cool too) so I am really looking forward to this weekend, should be a great time, and I haven't been to a good old fashion bonfire in over a year (I LOVE CAMPFIRES!) YAY! ummmm....letsee... whatelse... My dad bought Lennon this ride-on Lightening McQueen Car thing that makes all sorts of noises and flashing lights and stuff and he LOVES it and so that has become the constant soundtrrack to my life the past couple days.... *sigh* at least its keeping him out of trouble I guess but goodloood I will be happy when the batterys die on that thing..... Just a word to anyone intending on getting Lennon something for his 2nd birthday coming in November... PLEASE PLEASE, NO MORE PLASTIC NOISEMAKING TOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol! But seriously... good old fashion wooden style toys.... metal toys (play pots and pans and such)... books.... clothes... etc..... I am planning his party as we speak so watch your mailboxes for invites, especially those of you with lil ones.... hmm yeah... thats all for now I guess, Thanks to everyone who's been anxiously awaiting my biopsy results with me and thanks for all the well wishes... I have so many awesome people in my life sometimes I can't believe my luck... You all rock argyle socks :)
MUCH MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!
Kalee and Lennon
Currently watching:
Meet the Robinsons
Release date: 2007-10-23
Hello Hello,
I went to my Kidney Doc yesterday afternoon to get the results of my biopsy.... GOOD NEWS :) There is no apparent permanent damage to the filters of my kidneys... which was a concern since kidney filters are necessary and are unable to repair themselves once damaged... SO THAT IS AWESOME! In fact, as far as they can see there should be noo permanent damage at all! The tiny little capillaries (blood vessels) were damaged by the HUS/TTP and that is likely why I am still spilling so much protein, but my doc says he fully expects them to heal over time... The other good news, HE IS TAKING ME OFF THE PREDNISONE!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I nearly had to jump up and do a jig when he said that.... Granted I will be on it for another 5 or 6 weeks as it gets tapered off but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel, plus I should start seeing less side effects since the dosage will be HALF what I was on within a week (he cut it by quarter at present so 30mg instead of 40mg) Next week I will go to 20mg.... I can't wait for the effects of this shit to stop!! WOOHOO! No more fat face and a half, no more wierd hair growth, no more violent mood swings and hard to control temper... plus I can stop worrying about bone loss and all the less obvious effects this junk has.... ANYWHO.... My problems are far from over... protein leakage is still quite high, but he doesn't think the prednisone is going to do anymore than it has already done.. at this point he said its just a waiting game... he expects that at some point my body will "flip a switch" and my kidneys will take back over and do what they should be doing with all that protein. He did add on one medication but it is a pretty minor one... no bad side effects and stuff, he thinks it might help with the protien a little bit so well see...................but mostly we are counting on my body to fix itself.....SO that sounds good to me... Ive gotta go back to my naturapath soon... between that and the acupuncture and chiropractic I have high hopes that they will be able to help my body heal itself and I will have no lasting damage to any vital organs! HOORAY :)
Thats pretty much all I have to report for now... Things are okay on the homefront... I feel like I took a little step back the past couple weeks, between the biopsy and having to take it easy for a weekish, not being able to go to the pool, and my diet not being the best cause I haven't felt up to cooking healthy food.... BUT I'm getting back on the wagon now and trying to make up for the energy I lost... One of my bestest friends who lives practically in another country is in town so I'm pretty dang happy about that, and another of my bestest friends is coming for a visit this weekend and we are having a bonfire and stuff with the kiddies and her family (who are all really cool too) so I am really looking forward to this weekend, should be a great time, and I haven't been to a good old fashion bonfire in over a year (I LOVE CAMPFIRES!) YAY! ummmm....letsee... whatelse... My dad bought Lennon this ride-on Lightening McQueen Car thing that makes all sorts of noises and flashing lights and stuff and he LOVES it and so that has become the constant soundtrrack to my life the past couple days.... *sigh* at least its keeping him out of trouble I guess but goodloood I will be happy when the batterys die on that thing..... Just a word to anyone intending on getting Lennon something for his 2nd birthday coming in November... PLEASE PLEASE, NO MORE PLASTIC NOISEMAKING TOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol! But seriously... good old fashion wooden style toys.... metal toys (play pots and pans and such)... books.... clothes... etc..... I am planning his party as we speak so watch your mailboxes for invites, especially those of you with lil ones.... hmm yeah... thats all for now I guess, Thanks to everyone who's been anxiously awaiting my biopsy results with me and thanks for all the well wishes... I have so many awesome people in my life sometimes I can't believe my luck... You all rock argyle socks :)
MUCH MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!
Kalee and Lennon
Currently watching:
Meet the Robinsons
Release date: 2007-10-23
Saturday, September 27, 2008
RIP Christine Prue...
Current mood: sad
this is my cousin... I wish I had gotten to know her better... :( RIP Christine, I am sure you are in a better place now and able to be with your mom and sister... God bless you and your family...
Woman, 24, Dies In East Haddam Crash
POSTED: 9:10 am EDT September 27,2008
....
..
..EAST HADDAM, Conn. -- A 24-year-old driver is dead after a one-car crash Saturday morning.Police said Christine Prue was driving on Route 149 near Elie Chapman Road when she veered off the road and struck a tree head-on. Prue was taken to Hartford Hospital, where she was pronounced dead.........
The cause of the crash is under investigation.
Currently listening:
Tears in Heaven
By Eric Clapton
Release date: 1998-06-30
this is my cousin... I wish I had gotten to know her better... :( RIP Christine, I am sure you are in a better place now and able to be with your mom and sister... God bless you and your family...
Woman, 24, Dies In East Haddam Crash
POSTED: 9:10 am EDT September 27,2008
....
..
..EAST HADDAM, Conn. -- A 24-year-old driver is dead after a one-car crash Saturday morning.Police said Christine Prue was driving on Route 149 near Elie Chapman Road when she veered off the road and struck a tree head-on. Prue was taken to Hartford Hospital, where she was pronounced dead.........
The cause of the crash is under investigation.
Currently listening:
Tears in Heaven
By Eric Clapton
Release date: 1998-06-30
Monday, September 22, 2008
seven holes later
Current mood: uncomfortable
The biopsy is all done... They had a bit of a difficult time getting a good sample and had to punch about 7 holes in my kidney, it was a bit more pain and discomfort than I'd have liked but I survived and its all over now... I'm on perccsets for the pain... when they started to wear off I definetly started to feel like I was punched very hard in the back... especially when I breathe in deep. But with the Percs I feel okay... and actually pretty relaxed and loopy LOL :) I'm watching a pretty cool movie right now, just wanted to post quick and let everyone know everything went okay and I'm doing just fine... Thank you all for your prayers and best wishes!!!!! Now I just have to wait a week to find out the results of the biopsy and see what willbe done to fix my issues as quick as possible.... hopefully its best case senario and after a half dozen more weeks on steriods I'll be all better and can wean off them and go back to living a normal life with a normal sized head (lol, anyone who's seen me will get this right away ;)) anywho... I will post more later... this movie I'm watching is one of them there thought provoking ones so don't be surprised if I post one of THOSE philosophical ramblings I'm famous for within 24 hours or so... ;)
Have a nice night all,
MUCH LOVE
Kalee
Currently watching:
Waking Life (Widescreen)
Release date: 2003-04-15
The biopsy is all done... They had a bit of a difficult time getting a good sample and had to punch about 7 holes in my kidney, it was a bit more pain and discomfort than I'd have liked but I survived and its all over now... I'm on perccsets for the pain... when they started to wear off I definetly started to feel like I was punched very hard in the back... especially when I breathe in deep. But with the Percs I feel okay... and actually pretty relaxed and loopy LOL :) I'm watching a pretty cool movie right now, just wanted to post quick and let everyone know everything went okay and I'm doing just fine... Thank you all for your prayers and best wishes!!!!! Now I just have to wait a week to find out the results of the biopsy and see what willbe done to fix my issues as quick as possible.... hopefully its best case senario and after a half dozen more weeks on steriods I'll be all better and can wean off them and go back to living a normal life with a normal sized head (lol, anyone who's seen me will get this right away ;)) anywho... I will post more later... this movie I'm watching is one of them there thought provoking ones so don't be surprised if I post one of THOSE philosophical ramblings I'm famous for within 24 hours or so... ;)
Have a nice night all,
MUCH LOVE
Kalee
Currently watching:
Waking Life (Widescreen)
Release date: 2003-04-15
prayers
Current mood: scared
Hello friends,
I'm at the hospital right now, going in for my biopsy in about 15 minutes... I'm pretty nervous about it.... any extra prayers and positive thoughts are most appreciated right now... I will be sure and post letting everyone know once I'm out and if everything went smoothly.....
Love you all,
Kalee
Hello friends,
I'm at the hospital right now, going in for my biopsy in about 15 minutes... I'm pretty nervous about it.... any extra prayers and positive thoughts are most appreciated right now... I will be sure and post letting everyone know once I'm out and if everything went smoothly.....
Love you all,
Kalee
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Rebound
Current mood: animated
This pixar cartoon "boundin" is my theme song at the moment... thought I'd share, its super dee duper cute, I have the video posted on my profile if you want to see for yourself :) Here is the lyrics...
Here's a story on how strange is life with its changes
And it happened not long ago.
On a high mountain plain, where the sagebrush arranges
A playground south of the snow
Lived a lamb with a coat of remarkable sheen,
It would glint in the sunlight all sparkly and clean,
Such a source of great pride
that it caused him to preen.
And he'd break out in high stepp'n dance.
He would dance for his neighbors across the way.
I must say that they found his dancin' enhancin',
For they'd also join in the play.
Then one day…
Then a-boundin up the slope
Came a great American jackalope.
This sage of the sage, this rare hare of hope,
Caused to pause and check out the lamb.
"Hey kid, why the mope?"
"I used to be something all covered with fluff,
And I'd dance in the sunlight and show off my stuff,
Then they hauled me away in a manner quite rough
And sheared me and dropped me back here in the buff.
And if that's not enough
Now my friends all laugh at me
Cause they think I look ridiculous, funny, and pink."
"Pink? Pink? Well, what's wrong with pink?
Seems you've got a pink kink in your think.
Does it matter what color? Well, that gets nope.
Be it pink purple or heliotrope.
Now sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down,
When you find that you're down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you're complete!
"Now as for the dancin', you can do more,
You can reach great heights, in fact you can soar.
You just get a leg up and ya slap it on down,
And you'll find you're up in what's called a bound.
Bound, bound, and rebound.
Bound and you're up right next to the sky,
And I think you can do it if you give it a try,
First get a leg up, slap it on down…"
So every year, along about May,
They'd load him up and they'd haul him away,
And they'd shave him and dump him all naked and bare.
He learned to live with it, he didn't care,
He'd just bound, bound, bound, and rebound.
Now in this world of ups and downs…
So nice to know there are jackalopes around.
Currently watching:
Pixar Short Films Collection, Vol. 1
Release date: 2007-11-06
This pixar cartoon "boundin" is my theme song at the moment... thought I'd share, its super dee duper cute, I have the video posted on my profile if you want to see for yourself :) Here is the lyrics...
Here's a story on how strange is life with its changes
And it happened not long ago.
On a high mountain plain, where the sagebrush arranges
A playground south of the snow
Lived a lamb with a coat of remarkable sheen,
It would glint in the sunlight all sparkly and clean,
Such a source of great pride
that it caused him to preen.
And he'd break out in high stepp'n dance.
He would dance for his neighbors across the way.
I must say that they found his dancin' enhancin',
For they'd also join in the play.
Then one day…
Then a-boundin up the slope
Came a great American jackalope.
This sage of the sage, this rare hare of hope,
Caused to pause and check out the lamb.
"Hey kid, why the mope?"
"I used to be something all covered with fluff,
And I'd dance in the sunlight and show off my stuff,
Then they hauled me away in a manner quite rough
And sheared me and dropped me back here in the buff.
And if that's not enough
Now my friends all laugh at me
Cause they think I look ridiculous, funny, and pink."
"Pink? Pink? Well, what's wrong with pink?
Seems you've got a pink kink in your think.
Does it matter what color? Well, that gets nope.
Be it pink purple or heliotrope.
Now sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down,
When you find that you're down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you're complete!
"Now as for the dancin', you can do more,
You can reach great heights, in fact you can soar.
You just get a leg up and ya slap it on down,
And you'll find you're up in what's called a bound.
Bound, bound, and rebound.
Bound and you're up right next to the sky,
And I think you can do it if you give it a try,
First get a leg up, slap it on down…"
So every year, along about May,
They'd load him up and they'd haul him away,
And they'd shave him and dump him all naked and bare.
He learned to live with it, he didn't care,
He'd just bound, bound, bound, and rebound.
Now in this world of ups and downs…
So nice to know there are jackalopes around.
Currently watching:
Pixar Short Films Collection, Vol. 1
Release date: 2007-11-06
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday
Current mood: bummed
Biopsy will be this coming Monday the 22nd instead.... :( damn... I was hoping to put it off for a few more weeks.... oh well.
Biopsy will be this coming Monday the 22nd instead.... :( damn... I was hoping to put it off for a few more weeks.... oh well.
change in plans
Current mood: hopeful
My biopsy is being rescheduled.... not sure when it will be now, possibly next week or the week after instead... My parents are going to be at a show this weekend and I didn't want to take the chance of any possible complications laying me up while I'm by myself for the weekend.... especially since I'm already having a hard enough time keeping up with Lennon these days.... soooo.... no biopsy at the moment, I'll keep you all updated when I find out when its going to be... I'm also kinda hoping that putting it off a couple more weeks it might end up being that I won't have to do it.... the protein issue continues to drop steadily by the week (9 grams at last count... down from 18 grams when I left the hospital a month ago...) so if in a couple more weeks it is still dropping maybe they won't even want to do it anymore.... we'll see.... anywho I'm off to my favorite grocery store (Trader Joe's :)) and then to my naturopath for my second dose of my homeopathic treatment... have a fine and fantastic day everyone :)
much love,
Kalee
My biopsy is being rescheduled.... not sure when it will be now, possibly next week or the week after instead... My parents are going to be at a show this weekend and I didn't want to take the chance of any possible complications laying me up while I'm by myself for the weekend.... especially since I'm already having a hard enough time keeping up with Lennon these days.... soooo.... no biopsy at the moment, I'll keep you all updated when I find out when its going to be... I'm also kinda hoping that putting it off a couple more weeks it might end up being that I won't have to do it.... the protein issue continues to drop steadily by the week (9 grams at last count... down from 18 grams when I left the hospital a month ago...) so if in a couple more weeks it is still dropping maybe they won't even want to do it anymore.... we'll see.... anywho I'm off to my favorite grocery store (Trader Joe's :)) and then to my naturopath for my second dose of my homeopathic treatment... have a fine and fantastic day everyone :)
much love,
Kalee
Sunday, September 14, 2008
biopsy...
My doctor scheduled me to have a biopsy since there is still too much protein spillage...... biopsy will be on Wednesday at 2:00... I'll have to stay in the hospital overnight since you have to stay flat on your back 12-24 hours afterwards to minimize bleeding... I was just looking up how the procedure is done and stuff.... sounds pleasant....
How It Is Done
A kidney biopsy is done by a urologist, nephrologist, or a radiologist in a clinic or a hospital. A kidney biopsy is often done by a radiologist using ultrasound, fluoroscopy, a CT scan, or magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to help guide the biopsy needle.
You will need to take off all or most of your clothes. You will wear a gown. Before the biopsy, you may be given a sedative through an intravenous (IV) line in a vein in your arm. The sedative will help you relax and lie still during the biopsy.
You will be asked to lie facedown on an examination table. A sandbag, a firm pillow, or a rolled towel will be placed under your body to support your belly. It is very important that you follow your doctor's directions about breathing, holding your breath, and lying still while the biopsy is being done.
Your doctor will examine your back and may mark the biopsy site by making a slight dent in your skin with a pencil or tool. The biopsy may be done on either the right or the left kidney. The site will be cleaned with a special soap. Your doctor then gives you local anesthetic to numb the area where the biopsy needle will be inserted.
Your doctor puts the biopsy needle through the skin while looking at your kidney with ultrasound. You will be asked to hold your breath and stay very still while the needle is put into the kidney.
The needle is removed after the tissue sample is taken. Pressure is put on the biopsy site for several minutes to stop the bleeding. Then a bandage is put on the site. The biopsy takes 15 to 30 minutes.
After the biopsy, you will rest in bed for 6 to 24 hours. Your pulse, blood pressure, and temperature will be checked often after the biopsy.
If no problems develop, you can go home. To prevent bleeding at the biopsy site, lie flat on your back for the next 12 to 24 hours. You may eat your normal diet. Do not take aspirin or anti-inflammatory medicines for a week after the biopsy. You may do your regular activities, but do not do strenuous activities, such as heavy lifting, hard running, motorcycle riding, contact sports, or other activities that might jar or jolt your kidney, for 2 weeks after the biopsy. Also, drink more fluids so you will not be dehydrated.
How It Feels
You may feel a brief sting or pinch when the numbing medicine is put in. When the biopsy needle is put in, you may feel a sharp pain for a few seconds.
It is normal to feel some muscle soreness in the area of the biopsy for 2 to 3 days after the biopsy. You may have a small amount of bleeding on the bandage after the biopsy. Talk to your doctor about how much pain and bleeding you can expect. Many people will have bright red blood in their urine for the first 24 hours after the biopsy; this is expected.
anywho.... not looking forward to this but at this point I don't have too many options... the alternative is for them to up my steroids dosage for 12 weeks and I do NOT want to do that... I can't stand the side effects of the amount they already have me on nevermind MORE! The dieuretic they have me on seems to not be working so well as time passes too so I'm starting to retain more fluid again in my feet and face and ankles... Not the most comfortable thing, lemme tell yah.... I can't wait to be off all these meds... when that day comes, I will be a HAPPY HAPPY GIRL! so lets see what this biopsy says.... maybe it'll be good news and I can get off this shit SOON! thats all for now...
How It Is Done
A kidney biopsy is done by a urologist, nephrologist, or a radiologist in a clinic or a hospital. A kidney biopsy is often done by a radiologist using ultrasound, fluoroscopy, a CT scan, or magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to help guide the biopsy needle.
You will need to take off all or most of your clothes. You will wear a gown. Before the biopsy, you may be given a sedative through an intravenous (IV) line in a vein in your arm. The sedative will help you relax and lie still during the biopsy.
You will be asked to lie facedown on an examination table. A sandbag, a firm pillow, or a rolled towel will be placed under your body to support your belly. It is very important that you follow your doctor's directions about breathing, holding your breath, and lying still while the biopsy is being done.
Your doctor will examine your back and may mark the biopsy site by making a slight dent in your skin with a pencil or tool. The biopsy may be done on either the right or the left kidney. The site will be cleaned with a special soap. Your doctor then gives you local anesthetic to numb the area where the biopsy needle will be inserted.
Your doctor puts the biopsy needle through the skin while looking at your kidney with ultrasound. You will be asked to hold your breath and stay very still while the needle is put into the kidney.
The needle is removed after the tissue sample is taken. Pressure is put on the biopsy site for several minutes to stop the bleeding. Then a bandage is put on the site. The biopsy takes 15 to 30 minutes.
After the biopsy, you will rest in bed for 6 to 24 hours. Your pulse, blood pressure, and temperature will be checked often after the biopsy.
If no problems develop, you can go home. To prevent bleeding at the biopsy site, lie flat on your back for the next 12 to 24 hours. You may eat your normal diet. Do not take aspirin or anti-inflammatory medicines for a week after the biopsy. You may do your regular activities, but do not do strenuous activities, such as heavy lifting, hard running, motorcycle riding, contact sports, or other activities that might jar or jolt your kidney, for 2 weeks after the biopsy. Also, drink more fluids so you will not be dehydrated.
How It Feels
You may feel a brief sting or pinch when the numbing medicine is put in. When the biopsy needle is put in, you may feel a sharp pain for a few seconds.
It is normal to feel some muscle soreness in the area of the biopsy for 2 to 3 days after the biopsy. You may have a small amount of bleeding on the bandage after the biopsy. Talk to your doctor about how much pain and bleeding you can expect. Many people will have bright red blood in their urine for the first 24 hours after the biopsy; this is expected.
anywho.... not looking forward to this but at this point I don't have too many options... the alternative is for them to up my steroids dosage for 12 weeks and I do NOT want to do that... I can't stand the side effects of the amount they already have me on nevermind MORE! The dieuretic they have me on seems to not be working so well as time passes too so I'm starting to retain more fluid again in my feet and face and ankles... Not the most comfortable thing, lemme tell yah.... I can't wait to be off all these meds... when that day comes, I will be a HAPPY HAPPY GIRL! so lets see what this biopsy says.... maybe it'll be good news and I can get off this shit SOON! thats all for now...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
TERROR
Current mood: intense
SO I was lying awake last night... 4 AM... after waking up and getting caught by my thoughts.... This has been a constant since two weeks ago when I quit my Trazadone that I had been taking since the hospital for sleep/nightmare control..... and it came to me why I feel so changed now....
I've been trying to put my finger on this feeling... this physical and simultaneously emotional sensation that I can conjure up at will now... I'd never felt it before.... not fully.... its a feeling that one cannot explain to anyone else... it is completely beyond description.... and I finally figured out what that feeling is.... and in the context of my life so many puzzle pieces finally clicked together....
TERROR.
absolute and sheer terror.... (I know it's an ironic subject to post about today of all days...)
I'd never felt it before.... and I honestly don't think that many people have... unless you've come so close to death that you could FEEL it... taste it... smell and touch it.... you may have an idea of what it feels life.... but you likely can't even begin to know it's full potential.....it's the most horrible feeling ever...
I'm not implying now that DEATH in itself is bad.... in theory I understand that it is a part of life.. that it is inevitable... that it is part of the greater cycle.. plan... circle, call it what you will.... but for me, it has made me realize how absolutely terrified I AM of it.... I thought that I had made some sort of peace with it... I thought that I had accepted it.... I thought that with all of my spiritual searching that I had reached some level of understanding of Death... this summer has made me realize that its all BS.... I've been deluding myself.... all I've done is the same as everyone else... pretended that it is irrelevant and non existent and all the while have let it control every aspect of my life....
Its amazing how much humanity is controled by something so simple as the fear of death.... our entire society is built around it.... every culture in the human world...
can we even imagine what life on this planet would be like if we stopped fearing death?
I can't... I only know my own horror at facing it is so intense that the mere thought can choke me now... it wraps around my throat... my entire body.... it interrupts the rhythm of my heart beat.... wakes me from deep sleep... makes the room shake around me... the contents of my stomach rise to my throat..... makes me feel absolute disgust at the sensation of my own fingers upon my flesh...
I am terrified of disappearing.... terrified of the unknown.... terrified of being another irrelevant human animal come and gone in a moment of time..... and I don't know how I'll ever be able to really live unless I can overcome this.... I guess the first step is that I've realized how much power it has over me... I don't know what else to say but..
I don't want to DIE..... I don't want to die.... I don't wanna die.
SO I was lying awake last night... 4 AM... after waking up and getting caught by my thoughts.... This has been a constant since two weeks ago when I quit my Trazadone that I had been taking since the hospital for sleep/nightmare control..... and it came to me why I feel so changed now....
I've been trying to put my finger on this feeling... this physical and simultaneously emotional sensation that I can conjure up at will now... I'd never felt it before.... not fully.... its a feeling that one cannot explain to anyone else... it is completely beyond description.... and I finally figured out what that feeling is.... and in the context of my life so many puzzle pieces finally clicked together....
TERROR.
absolute and sheer terror.... (I know it's an ironic subject to post about today of all days...)
I'd never felt it before.... and I honestly don't think that many people have... unless you've come so close to death that you could FEEL it... taste it... smell and touch it.... you may have an idea of what it feels life.... but you likely can't even begin to know it's full potential.....it's the most horrible feeling ever...
I'm not implying now that DEATH in itself is bad.... in theory I understand that it is a part of life.. that it is inevitable... that it is part of the greater cycle.. plan... circle, call it what you will.... but for me, it has made me realize how absolutely terrified I AM of it.... I thought that I had made some sort of peace with it... I thought that I had accepted it.... I thought that with all of my spiritual searching that I had reached some level of understanding of Death... this summer has made me realize that its all BS.... I've been deluding myself.... all I've done is the same as everyone else... pretended that it is irrelevant and non existent and all the while have let it control every aspect of my life....
Its amazing how much humanity is controled by something so simple as the fear of death.... our entire society is built around it.... every culture in the human world...
can we even imagine what life on this planet would be like if we stopped fearing death?
I can't... I only know my own horror at facing it is so intense that the mere thought can choke me now... it wraps around my throat... my entire body.... it interrupts the rhythm of my heart beat.... wakes me from deep sleep... makes the room shake around me... the contents of my stomach rise to my throat..... makes me feel absolute disgust at the sensation of my own fingers upon my flesh...
I am terrified of disappearing.... terrified of the unknown.... terrified of being another irrelevant human animal come and gone in a moment of time..... and I don't know how I'll ever be able to really live unless I can overcome this.... I guess the first step is that I've realized how much power it has over me... I don't know what else to say but..
I don't want to DIE..... I don't want to die.... I don't wanna die.
Lying...
Current mood: froggy
Lying to Oneself
In this life of so many doors
I don't know which scares me more...
to hear a yes... to hear a no?
or choosing between which ways to go..
Motivationally challenged OCD
self imposed enclosed birdcage
Yearns to be free
Good and Honest to a fault
but robbing convenience stores
has become my art
Will this change? Who can tell...
how much of me is Heaven,
how much is hell?
Ripping and tearing at bones till their bare
The insinuations obvious..
The metaphor's all there...
I look in this mirror and all I can see...
Is that I don't know you,
but worse: I don't know ME.
Currently watching:
The Neverending Story (Widescreen)
Release date: 2001-09-04
Lying to Oneself
In this life of so many doors
I don't know which scares me more...
to hear a yes... to hear a no?
or choosing between which ways to go..
Motivationally challenged OCD
self imposed enclosed birdcage
Yearns to be free
Good and Honest to a fault
but robbing convenience stores
has become my art
Will this change? Who can tell...
how much of me is Heaven,
how much is hell?
Ripping and tearing at bones till their bare
The insinuations obvious..
The metaphor's all there...
I look in this mirror and all I can see...
Is that I don't know you,
but worse: I don't know ME.
Currently watching:
The Neverending Story (Widescreen)
Release date: 2001-09-04
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