who dictates logic and fact?

Current mood: grateful

Happy crappy-excuse-to-stuff-myself day everyone :) just some thoughts on life.... It occured to me (as it sometimes does) today that I don't spend nearly enough time cuddling, playing with, or hugging my child as I should... In those moments when I actually do it feels like the most awesome and natural thing in the world... I have a great time talking to and just generally hanging out with Lennon... its amazing how intelligent and loving and creative he is, and it becomes so obvious to me how much he is constantly trying to communicate with the world around him, even though his verbal skills aren't the greatest... though others may not see or understand it, in those moments when I am actually paying attention.. IN TUNE with my little son, I understand so much of what he says, and what he means through his actions and signs... I don't do any of it anywhere near as much as I should though.... somehow or another I forget how cool he is... or I get distracted by any one of a number of worthless things... or I get caught up in the constant nagging of "me, me, me"... waste time indulging in selfishness, foolishness, or self pity...

I also, at times, don't set limits for him like I should, when I should... sometimes because I am so afraid of sounding like any one of the many parents that I have criticized at one time or another... other times because I am unsure of what the hell it means to be a human-being myself and thus do not feel qualifyed to tell my child what is up or down, right or wrong..... but too often it is because I am simply giving in to laziness or self indulgence... too busy to see or hear... running far too fast, or much too blinded by my own wants to see what HE NEEDS...

It sucks to see and realize these things but to have a serious lack of motivation to stop doing, and being this person... maybe that is what I hope to strive for with blogs of thoughts such as this...... I try to summon it up, that motivation, but since this summer's events I have been having a pretty tought time doing it anymore... Before june I feel like there were all these things I knew about life... and all these attributes I had already discovered... all these flaws within me I was working on and all these amazing qualities I was just learning to appreciate about myself.... and I don't know what happened to so much of it... I don't know if it is temporary effects of the trauma... or of the meds.... or wether it is a permanent scar that my mind now carries to match the ones on my body.... I will think thoughts now that I am sure I've had before... I'll have an epiphany... only to realize that its one I've had before but had since forgotten... it's like being on a crash course of all the lessons of life that I had already taken the full course on, if that makes any sense... I was pretty sure I was on my way to being an awesome mama, and maybe even a pretty good human being... and now I fear I may have lost my way for a bit...

and then there on the other hand is another side to this ordeal of mine... The answers to the prayers I had been sending out to the world and hadn't even been aware of... The lessons I so badly needed to learn... the karmic debts I had yet to admit I owed...The wake up calls and the slaps in the face and the realizations of how many awesome opportunities stare me in the face....The statments and expressions of truth ringing in my ears.... So much of them sound so clease to even try to put into words... but they all call out truer than they ever have before to this girl... Life is too short to waste focusing on our differences... why do I focus so much on what drives us apart... on YOUR FLAWS when I have so many of my own? Life is too short to waste wondering "what if?" or being bitter about all those events and people who didn't work out the way I thought they should... Life is not promised or guarenteed for any length of time, nor to anyone no matter what bargins they try to make with health... too unpredictable to take those we hold high for granted, repeating those ever famous line about needing to get together soon and laughing about how time flies and making hollow promises of plans that never pan out....Our time is MUCH too short to spend stuck in the same place.... sitting at the starting line afraid to move a muscle for fear of failure or ridicule... in a tree afraid to chose another limb for fear of falling.. ready to jump in any old leaky boat for fear of actually reaching the other side... its TOO short... and you don't have THAT KIND of time.

Its hard to know what true caring, love, and compassion is until you have had to have someone else wipe your ass and bathe you... its a hard thing for me to even concieve of now, let alone talk about, how helpless I really was when sickness ravaged my body and mind.... hard to look back and feel again what I felt in some of those moments... try and REALLY recall... and no matter how hard I try I can't............................... the terrifying moments when I felt like I was falling out of my skin... being ripped from the only body I can recall knowing... Those hazy moments with angels in blue and devils tearing me apart inside and out. Hallucinations of self mutilation... my daddy by my side always with a cold damp cloth to sooth my forehead... my mom: so scared.... I thought she looked like a fragile bird almost broken in two.... my little boy.. petrified and confused by his own mother... running from me and hiding his face.... how much I missed him.... the physical ache and the never ending lump in my throat of being torn from him and not having him there to cuddle... to nurse to sleep.... to hug... or EVEN to just be able to sit and watch him babbling his foreign tounges and being a silly little kid.... straining to hear him in the background on the phone... hoping for a "he-woah, wha?" on the speakerphone.... my heart in agony at the sound of him crying 30 miles away, but what could have been a million miles... not being close enough to wrap my arms around him, wipe away his tears and kiss his nose... no cold little toes digging into my side and no smallish fingers tangled around my dreaded locks of hair as I tried to sleep it all away....

...and then there was my brothers and sisters: my friends... with tears in their eyes... looking at me in a way I had never seen them look... afraid that tommorrow I may not be there... trying to be courageous and not let me know just how close death's grip might be... all willing me the strength to hang on and FIGHT for my life... and somewhere in my drugged and confused mind even the vague knowledge of all the friends and aquaintences who in some way, wether large or just for a moment, had heard the news and felt for my family and I... and all the fear and sorrow I felt for those I would leave behind and the ordeals that they would experience with my passing.... And most horrifying of all... that darkness I was spinning in.... swallowing me up.... afraid to let go and fall.... see if there might be more light on the other side.... afraid to stay another day... to face another moment of a waking nightmare.... and that unconcious understanding that it was my choice to make.... which way I would go... so much unfinished and undone.... so many things still to breathe for....

....all of these things I am coming to grips with... trying to absorb still... and also trying not to let the physical, mental, emotionals scars and lingering wounds keep me from moving forward...



...and in light of all of this....

On this day of thanksgiving. I refuse to give thanks to or for the twisted (and as of now manipulated and adulterated in common references) events which brought about the creation of the corrupted/corrupting heirarchey currently in place in this GREAT LANDmass which holds so many incredible human and non human lives.... but I will undoubtedly and wholeheartedly give thanks for the life which still gives a throne for this soul to sit... the lungs which still breathe and the heart which still beats... the kidneys that still cleanse my body of the toxins which poison it... the brain which survived to think another day... slowly yet steadily recovering from the damages suffered from seizing and sedating alike... for the over 400 human arms which donated the blood and plasmas that saved the only mother my son will ever have (and the body's and soul's attached to those arms :)) and for the many souls out there who wether seen or unbeknownst to me held me up when I was falling down. I am truely grateful for all for the first time on this: THANKSgiving day....


Currently reading:
The Sneetches and Other Stories
By Dr. Seuss
Release date: 1961-08-12