Dream... and caring for your mind.. random thoughts

Current mood: indescribable


I should be in bed right now but as usual.... I am not :) been meaning to write for many moons now so i figured since i'm awake I may as well..... Motherhood.. or rather Parenthood.. What a crazyamazinghorrifyinglyscarywonderfulbeautifulterrifyingmindaltering experience... Strange that its pretty hard for me to conjure up memories of the life i left back in that other room... or thoughts that would once have been at the forefront of my mind... Some days I feel like the biggest idiotic spacecadet in the world and other days I feel like I couldn't have life more by the balls so to speak... Some days I feel so confident that I can do this and its gonna be everything I've ever wanted and other days I don't even want to attempt to crawl my outofshapelazysorry ass out of bed...
I had this dream the other day... of horrible violent things happening to my Lennon... and then his life was ripped from him... one of those dreams that could be real if it was realistic... but feels SO REAL... I actually woke thinking I was waking to another day without my HEART.... what is absolutely crazy is that I can remember that more than I can remember the things I actually lived through in that "past life" in all that I lived for the 25 years before my angel came to me.. I can remember the intensity of a pain I never had a real cause to feel more than I can remember the pain of losses in real life that i know at the time knocked the wind out of me... That pain I felt in a dream about my son was more real than all the pain I felt ALL TOGETHER in my life before him....

I remember... being doubled over with the intensity of my heart ripping from my chest... crying sobs.. stuck in my throat that would not stop... my own mother and how I wanted her to make it go away... make it all not true and somehow give me my baby back... and nothing anyone did or said could ease one drop of the suffering I was feeling... I remember the guilt that I did not or could not save him... That I was not there when I should have been... such sorrow for the life that was robbed from the most beautiful soul I have ever known... LIKE a KNIFE stabbing through my heart.. my soul... my body.. a dark cloud over EVERYTHING... And the feeling that there was nothing more to live for............... The most intense pain I have ever felt......... AND IT WAS ONLY A DREAM.

I awoke to what I thought was another day in hell.. and saw my angel on the bed next to me.... peace on his face.... and then a smile... and My whole life suddenly had worth... with just a smile..... I cried... I have cried several times over this.... so far...

I guess what I'm trying to get at is..... What noone can know until they are there... When you have a child.. Your heart is the one that beats within them... through their joy... love... and smiles, your heart feels a gladness that YOU HAVE NEVER FELT BEFORE... and at even the thought of a wound to them... of any pain, your own pain is more intense than any you've felt by your own troubles.... And the thought of life without them.... suddenly becomes the embodiment of hell on earth....

AMAZING.. and TERRIFYING ....

I can't watch half of the shit that I used to watch on TV.. People start to tell me about some fucked up thing they heard and I tell them to shut up... I spend a good portion of my life praying for God to take away the sick, bizzare, crazy images and thoughts that I allowed into me throughout my life... Side note especially to any of your younger folks reading this... Be carefull what you expose yourself to.. not that you should remain sheltered and naieve.. but beware.. what You put into your mind.. the disturbing movies, horror films.... Grotesque, bloody.. the serial killers you read about... the twisted things human beings do to one another... That sick and dark curiosity we all have in us.. to keep reading even though it disqusts us... or to keep watching though it turns your stomach... It will never leave you... You cannot erase what is being written inside of you... and you cannot become feeling again once you have become numb... and believe it or not... you may reach a point in your life where some of the horrors you've read about suddenly become all too real when you realize the impact such monsterous things would have on your own life.. and family.... please be careful.....
*sigh* anyways.. I should go to bed now.. My poor sweet son is probably lonely for his mama :) Much LOVE to all of you my friends, and thanks for humoring my thoughts enough to read them :) BE WELL!!! And go spend sometime outside for christsakes!! Its SO INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL OUT there, SPRING IS FINALLY HERE!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! :)
Kalee
Currently listening:
Into the Woods
By The Call
Release date: 25 October, 1990