She wears no disguise.

Shaking in my skin.
ping pong game
of comfortable connection
and anxious awkwardness.
all those goblins lurking under my bed
come crawling out
clawing at my eyes
whispering...
I'm not worthy of those kisses...
hissing...
beware that gentle tenderness,
that kindness, friendship, and respect...

and all the tears I've spilt on 20 years of men
flood the room around me.
lifeboat filling
with fear.
its filling up!
it's filling up!
I can't swim!
I can't breathe!
I might die if I don't bail out.
overthinkingit
overthinking it
over thinking it
o ver thin king it
ov er th ink in git
o v e r t h i n k i n g i t

toughen up!
I am too strong to feel so weak in the knees.
damnit...
I am independent.
get a grip.
I don't need to need someone...
and anyway,
It's much too quick to let myself go...
isn't it?

I tell her to be still.
but there my foolish, foolish heart goes racing up ahead.
I scream at her to stop her mad skipping.
stop acting like a silly child!
Come back!

and my breath
catches in my throat.

and I'm scared
that I want your arms to stay
while I lose myself in sweet dreams.

and I'm unnerved that I've thought a dozen (or fifty) times today
about your hand strong and steady beneath my back,
and your hungry lips
on my melting neck.

My voice comes out shy... soft...
and more needy than I am used to hearing it.
and my shell cracks
a little more
each time
you caress my tension
and kiss my scars.
what if it breaks open
and you bolt.
leave me on my back
a tender, foolish, fragile pink creature
alone in this wilderness.
and what if?
and what if?
and what if?
and what if.

OVERTHINKINGIT.

too hard.
too risky.
its easier to be alone!
without this
whirlpool in my chest
of feelings I dread
fear to tread.
oh to be semisoft inside
not hard, but street-smart enough
to keep my hands firmly wedged between us.
no chance of ever mistaking
where I end and you begin.

If I throw a boatload of torrential crazy your way
will you run or hide?
my words and moods can fill an ocean.
my friend...
sweet man.
Are you mountain enough to stand?

Escape now may be easier than drowning in rip tides...
you oughta know that: she wears no disguise.
Is it alright that I really like swimming in your eyes?


I hug myself tonight
and remind me that
none can see
what will be.
and I breathe
gently
inhale
through thunder and
lightening
exhale
goblins groaning
and boats capsizing.
The shaking subsides...
I Breathe.
and
soften my belly.
I trust.
one
moment
at
a
time.