it is true what they say...
because sometimes in the early morning hours
when I lie awake
I can FEEL it happening...
slowly yet surely as watching the grass grow
on a hot summer day
Options become fewer every passing moment
these lives I've lived... this soul...
its purpose to EVOLVE
yet I am unsure how in this life...
big ideas and all the times I've fallen...
everywhere I look the noose is tightening
the possibilities of an acceptable life in
the eyes of the monster that is a general consensus
specifics more intensified...
can't help but feel it is all a lost cause...
what good is understanding if none will hear it?
and it simply becomes a way to feel worse and worse
about the state of the world about
cycling back to realize that perhaps my view
from this window is simply a reflection...
here it comes my friends terror
and that same ole urge to RUN
as fast and far as my 10 dollars will carry...
we could join up with some gypsys
Lennon and I
a flock of weirdos like I've always aspired for
and maybe just for a moment or two
I could live a life that is my tru-STOP!
here comes that voice again...
it'll never work
never happen
never understand
never recover
never
never
never
never
how about the little house?
the big garden?
nope
nope
never
never
the partner?
doesn't exist
never will
all the things I wanted to teach my boy?
they'll never let you get away with it...
there is only ONE version of it all to be taught
and guess what sweetheart...
YOURS ain't it...
there's only one place you're going....
have I told you about the nice soft walls?
.....
.....
.....
.....
...the only constant is change
and I do, but it never seems for the better
I look back and all I see is that yesterday
there were more possibilities than today
maybe I am wiser now...
or maybe I am JADED now?
experience is bullshit
I miss living by FEEL...
maybe I was naive... but I WAS REAL.
If only I hadn't...
If only they didn't...
If only I could've...
If only I could face forward fearless
If only it wasn't so hard to just BE ME.
I think it's true what they say...
inside every cynic is the crushed soul of an optimist
the stolen dreams of a aspiring revolutionary
and the shreds of a far too large heart.
observations, thoughts, poems, and perspectives... from within my fishbowl and without...
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
7 Years... going on 10.
I WAS going to go through the looking glass today...
But detoured in reflections along the way.
Somewhere between the glass and the wall
I SCREAMED at you:
"Who will EVER love you again?"
Scars on your body...
covering
like some god-forsaken Leper...
SMOTHERING
as a sundae topping gone
horribly,
wildly,
wrong.
Damages, outside and in... Battered.
Bruised and bulging.
These years unkind...
and the baggage.
Are you still alive? Still in there somewhere?
Capable of trust...of Love...
any longer (If you ever were...)
Emotions clenched between
GRINDING TEETH...
not ready or yielding to
possibilities of opening.
Or the sunlight... It once was there.
Sparkling behind your eyes..
will it ever again...to rise?
-I HUGGED YOU-
with my mind... in the shower this afternoon
when I finally had found the energy
(and will) to leave the pseudo comfort
of my pajamas.
Pretending it is all okay
I tried to soothe you...
to see past the
UGLINESS
the
DEFORMITIES
tried to allow myself to caress
the flesh
with love and tenderness...
the way others had...
Once before.
Tried so hard not to cry
as my eyes
searched your body
for ANY familiarity.
Failing as the stream of
water on the porcelain floor
mingled with salty tears...
I looked and I looked,
but all I could see was
IMPERFECTIONS... upon
IMPERFECTIONS...upon
IMPERFECTIONS...
upon...
Afterwards,
I stood staring as my face
shattered..
lost in the cracks.
I heard it.
MY voice shouting:
"WHO WILL EVER LOVE YOU NOW!
HOLD YOU AGAIN?"
it was MY VOICE...
MINE.
only I did not recognize that face...
the sad girl...
nor the eyes that looked out....
I'm so sorry...
I was going to take a walk
through the looking glass today.
But I got caught up in reflections...
....somewhere along the way.
-K. Prue 1*19*09
But detoured in reflections along the way.
Somewhere between the glass and the wall
I SCREAMED at you:
"Who will EVER love you again?"
Scars on your body...
covering
like some god-forsaken Leper...
SMOTHERING
as a sundae topping gone
horribly,
wildly,
wrong.
Damages, outside and in... Battered.
Bruised and bulging.
These years unkind...
and the baggage.
Are you still alive? Still in there somewhere?
Capable of trust...of Love...
any longer (If you ever were...)
Emotions clenched between
GRINDING TEETH...
not ready or yielding to
possibilities of opening.
Or the sunlight... It once was there.
Sparkling behind your eyes..
will it ever again...to rise?
-I HUGGED YOU-
with my mind... in the shower this afternoon
when I finally had found the energy
(and will) to leave the pseudo comfort
of my pajamas.
Pretending it is all okay
I tried to soothe you...
to see past the
UGLINESS
the
DEFORMITIES
tried to allow myself to caress
the flesh
with love and tenderness...
the way others had...
Once before.
Tried so hard not to cry
as my eyes
searched your body
for ANY familiarity.
Failing as the stream of
water on the porcelain floor
mingled with salty tears...
I looked and I looked,
but all I could see was
IMPERFECTIONS... upon
IMPERFECTIONS...upon
IMPERFECTIONS...
upon...
Afterwards,
I stood staring as my face
shattered..
lost in the cracks.
I heard it.
MY voice shouting:
"WHO WILL EVER LOVE YOU NOW!
HOLD YOU AGAIN?"
it was MY VOICE...
MINE.
only I did not recognize that face...
the sad girl...
nor the eyes that looked out....
I'm so sorry...
I was going to take a walk
through the looking glass today.
But I got caught up in reflections...
....somewhere along the way.
-K. Prue 1*19*09
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Food For Thought :)
Current mood: rebellious
The decline of childhood diseases before vaccination :
There is a generally held concept that mass vaccine programs were largely responsible for control of former epidemic diseases, but with the probable exception of the polio vaccine, in most instances this was not the case. From 1911 to 1935 the 4 leading causes of death among those aged 1 to 14 years, covered by Metropolitan Life Insurance policies, were diphtheria, measles, scarlet fever and whooping cough.11
However, by 1945 the combined rates from these 4 diseases had declined by 95%, before mass vaccine program began in the United States .12 By far the greatest factors in the decline were better housing with less crowded conditions, better nutrition, and other public health, hygienic, and medical measures.
The conventional view is that adverse vaccine reactions are relatively uncommon. At variance with this are internationally recognized authorities such as Dr. Bernard Rimland. Also at variance are many parents whose children have developed medical complications following vaccines where no other cause was evident.
Time may prove that one of the basic flaws in American childhood vaccine programs is that it is increasingly compulsory and mandatory. Once considered the fountainhead of freedom, in the enforcement of vaccine programs, America has become one of the most stringent and arbitrary of all nations. Parents refusing to have their children vaccinated, often for religious reasons, are subject to charges of child abuse.
Public health officials contend that such compulsory measures are necessary for control of infectious diseases which, they maintain, would increase along with childhood death rates if the vaccine mandates were lifted. In my opinion, this argument does not bear up to scrutiny for the following reasons:
In 1979 Sweden banned the pertussis (whooping cough) vaccine, considering it both ineffective and dangerous. In spite of the banning, or perhaps because of it, Sweden maintains one of the lowest infant mortality rates in the world. In 1975 Japan raised the age of pertussis vaccine to 2 years of age, considering it dangerous in infancy. Since that time, sudden infant death syndrome (cot deaths) have largely disappeared in Japan.13
Other nations with either voluntary vaccine programs, such as England, or less stringently enforced programs have lower infant mortality rates than the US. With few exceptions, they have not had a return of deadly epidemics (with high mortality).
Full Article
The decline of childhood diseases before vaccination :
There is a generally held concept that mass vaccine programs were largely responsible for control of former epidemic diseases, but with the probable exception of the polio vaccine, in most instances this was not the case. From 1911 to 1935 the 4 leading causes of death among those aged 1 to 14 years, covered by Metropolitan Life Insurance policies, were diphtheria, measles, scarlet fever and whooping cough.11
However, by 1945 the combined rates from these 4 diseases had declined by 95%, before mass vaccine program began in the United States .12 By far the greatest factors in the decline were better housing with less crowded conditions, better nutrition, and other public health, hygienic, and medical measures.
The conventional view is that adverse vaccine reactions are relatively uncommon. At variance with this are internationally recognized authorities such as Dr. Bernard Rimland. Also at variance are many parents whose children have developed medical complications following vaccines where no other cause was evident.
Time may prove that one of the basic flaws in American childhood vaccine programs is that it is increasingly compulsory and mandatory. Once considered the fountainhead of freedom, in the enforcement of vaccine programs, America has become one of the most stringent and arbitrary of all nations. Parents refusing to have their children vaccinated, often for religious reasons, are subject to charges of child abuse.
Public health officials contend that such compulsory measures are necessary for control of infectious diseases which, they maintain, would increase along with childhood death rates if the vaccine mandates were lifted. In my opinion, this argument does not bear up to scrutiny for the following reasons:
In 1979 Sweden banned the pertussis (whooping cough) vaccine, considering it both ineffective and dangerous. In spite of the banning, or perhaps because of it, Sweden maintains one of the lowest infant mortality rates in the world. In 1975 Japan raised the age of pertussis vaccine to 2 years of age, considering it dangerous in infancy. Since that time, sudden infant death syndrome (cot deaths) have largely disappeared in Japan.13
Other nations with either voluntary vaccine programs, such as England, or less stringently enforced programs have lower infant mortality rates than the US. With few exceptions, they have not had a return of deadly epidemics (with high mortality).
Full Article
Friday, January 2, 2009
a person is a person after all
current mood: discontent
All around me it's naught but INSANITY...
and your music makes me want to cry because I know I've felt that before...
I can't remember if it was this life or another... but I've been there
I quit cigarettes yet again...
and I sit here in the same place yet again...
and I write the same yearning thoughts in slightly different phrases
and nothing ever changes
for the
better
Insanity on the screens...and I recognize it all... but then I look down at my wrists and see the same shackles I once had only seen on those around me...
Sick to my stomach that the cage followed me when I left the hospital that day..
or maybe it was there all along...
Some small once still voice.. screaming out inside
We are here
We are here
WE ARE HERE!
But no one hears...
a person is a person after all.
Insanity is all around me
and your music makes me cry.
All around me it's naught but INSANITY...
and your music makes me want to cry because I know I've felt that before...
I can't remember if it was this life or another... but I've been there
I quit cigarettes yet again...
and I sit here in the same place yet again...
and I write the same yearning thoughts in slightly different phrases
and nothing ever changes
for the
better
Insanity on the screens...and I recognize it all... but then I look down at my wrists and see the same shackles I once had only seen on those around me...
Sick to my stomach that the cage followed me when I left the hospital that day..
or maybe it was there all along...
Some small once still voice.. screaming out inside
We are here
We are here
WE ARE HERE!
But no one hears...
a person is a person after all.
Insanity is all around me
and your music makes me cry.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
just wastin time before sleep comes a knockin...
Current mood: depressed
2008 what have you done?:
stayed single almost the whole year?
nope. I stayed single the ENTIRE year :)
kissed someone new?
nope
done something you've regretted?
uh....yeah drank milk with poop in it
lost someone?
yeah, my cousin Christine... didn't know her really since we were wee ones but it was still pretty sad to me...
cut class?
nope, but I cut some serious cheeses
were involved with something you'll never forget?
you could say that....
visited a different country?
does "hell" count lol
cooked a gross meal?
yeah... first one that comes to mind is some nasty frozen chinese which I managed to over cook and burn.... throw in the complete lack of seasonings or salt and you have a feast fit for a hog's trough...
lost something important to you?
Yeah... a book of poems that was stolen out of my car along with my pocketbook.... and my kick ass moroccan wallet/cigarette case
got a gift you adore?
My life, woohoo! :) and a new camera too ;)
tripped over a coffee table?
No, but this is a goal of mine in '09. <--- I'm gonna have to second this one Erika
dyed your hair?
Nope
came close to losing your life?
uh, senior or seniorita quiz master... II think we've already covered this one.
went to a party?
a couple I think
read a great book?
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance, The education of little tree, and the poisonwood bible...... just a few that come to mind... my next tackle is the motorcycle diaries and a new gibran I happily stumbled upon at the goodwill last week
saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
Finger 11.... thats it I think
2008: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year?
Lots of them... Thanks hartford hospital lol :)
Did you dislike anyone?
no one that I can think of... though I'm sure a few rubbed me the wrong way momentarily...
Did you grow apart from anyone?
a few, and a little
Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
yeah.
Did you have a cake?
did I have A CAKE? or did I have cake? Cause I didn't have A CAKE... but I had LOTS of cake :)
Did you have a party?
sorta kinda I guess maybe when I got home in August
Did you get any presents?
again I think we've already covered this in previous questions... dumb bastardos
2008: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?
completely and yet not at all...
Did you change your style?
yeah I guess I finally grew some larger testicles in terms of wearing things that in the past I would have admired on others and wished I had the guts to wear.... my mother is LOVIN it lemme tell yah ;)
Did you get good grades?
if I was grading myself I'd say I deserve a........ B...... minus even
Did you have a job?
not one that pays in green
Did you own a car?
yes I owned a giant pickle with wheels reminicent of those little fraggle toys from the 1980's Mickey D's "Happy" meals....
Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister Sarah..
Did you move at all?
technically yes but in reality no
Did you go on any vacations?
ys I went on a loverly cruise to Timbuktu and along the way we stopped off in russia and waved to sarah palin
Would you change anything about yourself now?
yesh.... yesh I would....I'd like to be 10 feet tall with orange skin and red polka dots on my ass.
2008: Wrap UP:
Was 2008 a good year?
define "good"
Do you think 2009 will top 2008?
umm.... it had better or by next new years I'll be dust in the wind... literally ;)
I confess that in 2008 I...
[] kissed in the snow
[x] celebrated Halloween
[x] mooned someone (yeah its tough not to in hospital johnnys, hahahe!)
[] went over the minutes on your cell phone
[] someone questioned your sexual orientation
[ ] came out of the closet
[ ] gotten pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[x] done something you've regretted
OTHER
[x] painted a picture
[x] wrote a poem
[x] ran a mile (does biking count?)
[] shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
[X] posted a blog on MySpace
[] visited a foreign country
[] cut in a line of waiting people
[x] told someone you were busy when you weren't
[] partied to celebrate the new year
[x] cooked a disastrous meal
[] Lied about how old you were
[x] Prank called someone
In 2008 I...
[x] broke a promise... (lots to myself)
[] fell out of love
[] lied
[x] disappointed someone close
[] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[] slept under the stars
[] kept your new years resolution
[] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[] met one of your idols
[X] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[] pretended to be sick
[] left the country
[x] almost died
[x] given up on something/someone important to you
[x] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[X] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
2008 what have you done?:
stayed single almost the whole year?
nope. I stayed single the ENTIRE year :)
kissed someone new?
nope
done something you've regretted?
uh....yeah drank milk with poop in it
lost someone?
yeah, my cousin Christine... didn't know her really since we were wee ones but it was still pretty sad to me...
cut class?
nope, but I cut some serious cheeses
were involved with something you'll never forget?
you could say that....
visited a different country?
does "hell" count lol
cooked a gross meal?
yeah... first one that comes to mind is some nasty frozen chinese which I managed to over cook and burn.... throw in the complete lack of seasonings or salt and you have a feast fit for a hog's trough...
lost something important to you?
Yeah... a book of poems that was stolen out of my car along with my pocketbook.... and my kick ass moroccan wallet/cigarette case
got a gift you adore?
My life, woohoo! :) and a new camera too ;)
tripped over a coffee table?
No, but this is a goal of mine in '09. <--- I'm gonna have to second this one Erika
dyed your hair?
Nope
came close to losing your life?
uh, senior or seniorita quiz master... II think we've already covered this one.
went to a party?
a couple I think
read a great book?
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance, The education of little tree, and the poisonwood bible...... just a few that come to mind... my next tackle is the motorcycle diaries and a new gibran I happily stumbled upon at the goodwill last week
saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
Finger 11.... thats it I think
2008: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year?
Lots of them... Thanks hartford hospital lol :)
Did you dislike anyone?
no one that I can think of... though I'm sure a few rubbed me the wrong way momentarily...
Did you grow apart from anyone?
a few, and a little
Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
yeah.
Did you have a cake?
did I have A CAKE? or did I have cake? Cause I didn't have A CAKE... but I had LOTS of cake :)
Did you have a party?
sorta kinda I guess maybe when I got home in August
Did you get any presents?
again I think we've already covered this in previous questions... dumb bastardos
2008: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?
completely and yet not at all...
Did you change your style?
yeah I guess I finally grew some larger testicles in terms of wearing things that in the past I would have admired on others and wished I had the guts to wear.... my mother is LOVIN it lemme tell yah ;)
Did you get good grades?
if I was grading myself I'd say I deserve a........ B...... minus even
Did you have a job?
not one that pays in green
Did you own a car?
yes I owned a giant pickle with wheels reminicent of those little fraggle toys from the 1980's Mickey D's "Happy" meals....
Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister Sarah..
Did you move at all?
technically yes but in reality no
Did you go on any vacations?
ys I went on a loverly cruise to Timbuktu and along the way we stopped off in russia and waved to sarah palin
Would you change anything about yourself now?
yesh.... yesh I would....I'd like to be 10 feet tall with orange skin and red polka dots on my ass.
2008: Wrap UP:
Was 2008 a good year?
define "good"
Do you think 2009 will top 2008?
umm.... it had better or by next new years I'll be dust in the wind... literally ;)
I confess that in 2008 I...
[] kissed in the snow
[x] celebrated Halloween
[x] mooned someone (yeah its tough not to in hospital johnnys, hahahe!)
[] went over the minutes on your cell phone
[] someone questioned your sexual orientation
[ ] came out of the closet
[ ] gotten pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[x] done something you've regretted
OTHER
[x] painted a picture
[x] wrote a poem
[x] ran a mile (does biking count?)
[] shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
[X] posted a blog on MySpace
[] visited a foreign country
[] cut in a line of waiting people
[x] told someone you were busy when you weren't
[] partied to celebrate the new year
[x] cooked a disastrous meal
[] Lied about how old you were
[x] Prank called someone
In 2008 I...
[x] broke a promise... (lots to myself)
[] fell out of love
[] lied
[x] disappointed someone close
[] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[] slept under the stars
[] kept your new years resolution
[] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[] met one of your idols
[X] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[] pretended to be sick
[] left the country
[x] almost died
[x] given up on something/someone important to you
[x] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[X] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
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