Saturday, September 27, 2008

RIP Christine Prue...

Current mood: sad

this is my cousin... I wish I had gotten to know her better... :( RIP Christine, I am sure you are in a better place now and able to be with your mom and sister... God bless you and your family...

Woman, 24, Dies In East Haddam Crash
POSTED: 9:10 am EDT September 27,2008
..EAST HADDAM, Conn. -- A 24-year-old driver is dead after a one-car crash Saturday morning.Police said Christine Prue was driving on Route 149 near Elie Chapman Road when she veered off the road and struck a tree head-on. Prue was taken to Hartford Hospital, where she was pronounced dead.........

The cause of the crash is under investigation.

Currently listening:
Tears in Heaven
By Eric Clapton
Release date: 1998-06-30

Monday, September 22, 2008

seven holes later

Current mood: uncomfortable

The biopsy is all done... They had a bit of a difficult time getting a good sample and had to punch about 7 holes in my kidney, it was a bit more pain and discomfort than I'd have liked but I survived and its all over now... I'm on perccsets for the pain... when they started to wear off I definetly started to feel like I was punched very hard in the back... especially when I breathe in deep. But with the Percs I feel okay... and actually pretty relaxed and loopy LOL :) I'm watching a pretty cool movie right now, just wanted to post quick and let everyone know everything went okay and I'm doing just fine... Thank you all for your prayers and best wishes!!!!! Now I just have to wait a week to find out the results of the biopsy and see what willbe done to fix my issues as quick as possible.... hopefully its best case senario and after a half dozen more weeks on steriods I'll be all better and can wean off them and go back to living a normal life with a normal sized head (lol, anyone who's seen me will get this right away ;)) anywho... I will post more later... this movie I'm watching is one of them there thought provoking ones so don't be surprised if I post one of THOSE philosophical ramblings I'm famous for within 24 hours or so... ;)
Have a nice night all,

Currently watching:
Waking Life (Widescreen)
Release date: 2003-04-15


Current mood: scared

Hello friends,
I'm at the hospital right now, going in for my biopsy in about 15 minutes... I'm pretty nervous about it.... any extra prayers and positive thoughts are most appreciated right now... I will be sure and post letting everyone know once I'm out and if everything went smoothly.....

Love you all,

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Current mood: animated

This pixar cartoon "boundin" is my theme song at the moment... thought I'd share, its super dee duper cute, I have the video posted on my profile if you want to see for yourself :) Here is the lyrics...

Here's a story on how strange is life with its changes
And it happened not long ago.
On a high mountain plain, where the sagebrush arranges
A playground south of the snow
Lived a lamb with a coat of remarkable sheen,
It would glint in the sunlight all sparkly and clean,
Such a source of great pride
that it caused him to preen.
And he'd break out in high stepp'n dance.
He would dance for his neighbors across the way.
I must say that they found his dancin' enhancin',
For they'd also join in the play.

Then one day…

Then a-boundin up the slope
Came a great American jackalope.
This sage of the sage, this rare hare of hope,
Caused to pause and check out the lamb.
"Hey kid, why the mope?"

"I used to be something all covered with fluff,
And I'd dance in the sunlight and show off my stuff,
Then they hauled me away in a manner quite rough
And sheared me and dropped me back here in the buff.
And if that's not enough
Now my friends all laugh at me
Cause they think I look ridiculous, funny, and pink."

"Pink? Pink? Well, what's wrong with pink?
Seems you've got a pink kink in your think.
Does it matter what color? Well, that gets nope.
Be it pink purple or heliotrope.
Now sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down,
When you find that you're down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you're complete!

"Now as for the dancin', you can do more,
You can reach great heights, in fact you can soar.
You just get a leg up and ya slap it on down,
And you'll find you're up in what's called a bound.
Bound, bound, and rebound.
Bound and you're up right next to the sky,
And I think you can do it if you give it a try,
First get a leg up, slap it on down…"

So every year, along about May,
They'd load him up and they'd haul him away,
And they'd shave him and dump him all naked and bare.
He learned to live with it, he didn't care,
He'd just bound, bound, bound, and rebound.

Now in this world of ups and downs…
So nice to know there are jackalopes around.

Currently watching:
Pixar Short Films Collection, Vol. 1
Release date: 2007-11-06

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Current mood: bummed

Biopsy will be this coming Monday the 22nd instead.... :( damn... I was hoping to put it off for a few more weeks.... oh well.

change in plans

Current mood: hopeful

My biopsy is being rescheduled.... not sure when it will be now, possibly next week or the week after instead... My parents are going to be at a show this weekend and I didn't want to take the chance of any possible complications laying me up while I'm by myself for the weekend.... especially since I'm already having a hard enough time keeping up with Lennon these days.... soooo.... no biopsy at the moment, I'll keep you all updated when I find out when its going to be... I'm also kinda hoping that putting it off a couple more weeks it might end up being that I won't have to do it.... the protein issue continues to drop steadily by the week (9 grams at last count... down from 18 grams when I left the hospital a month ago...) so if in a couple more weeks it is still dropping maybe they won't even want to do it anymore.... we'll see.... anywho I'm off to my favorite grocery store (Trader Joe's :)) and then to my naturopath for my second dose of my homeopathic treatment... have a fine and fantastic day everyone :)
much love,

Sunday, September 14, 2008


My doctor scheduled me to have a biopsy since there is still too much protein spillage...... biopsy will be on Wednesday at 2:00... I'll have to stay in the hospital overnight since you have to stay flat on your back 12-24 hours afterwards to minimize bleeding... I was just looking up how the procedure is done and stuff.... sounds pleasant....

How It Is Done

A kidney biopsy is done by a urologist, nephrologist, or a radiologist in a clinic or a hospital. A kidney biopsy is often done by a radiologist using ultrasound, fluoroscopy, a CT scan, or magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to help guide the biopsy needle.

You will need to take off all or most of your clothes. You will wear a gown. Before the biopsy, you may be given a sedative through an intravenous (IV) line in a vein in your arm. The sedative will help you relax and lie still during the biopsy.

You will be asked to lie facedown on an examination table. A sandbag, a firm pillow, or a rolled towel will be placed under your body to support your belly. It is very important that you follow your doctor's directions about breathing, holding your breath, and lying still while the biopsy is being done.

Your doctor will examine your back and may mark the biopsy site by making a slight dent in your skin with a pencil or tool. The biopsy may be done on either the right or the left kidney. The site will be cleaned with a special soap. Your doctor then gives you local anesthetic to numb the area where the biopsy needle will be inserted.

Your doctor puts the biopsy needle through the skin while looking at your kidney with ultrasound. You will be asked to hold your breath and stay very still while the needle is put into the kidney.

The needle is removed after the tissue sample is taken. Pressure is put on the biopsy site for several minutes to stop the bleeding. Then a bandage is put on the site. The biopsy takes 15 to 30 minutes.

After the biopsy, you will rest in bed for 6 to 24 hours. Your pulse, blood pressure, and temperature will be checked often after the biopsy.

If no problems develop, you can go home. To prevent bleeding at the biopsy site, lie flat on your back for the next 12 to 24 hours. You may eat your normal diet. Do not take aspirin or anti-inflammatory medicines for a week after the biopsy. You may do your regular activities, but do not do strenuous activities, such as heavy lifting, hard running, motorcycle riding, contact sports, or other activities that might jar or jolt your kidney, for 2 weeks after the biopsy. Also, drink more fluids so you will not be dehydrated.
How It Feels

You may feel a brief sting or pinch when the numbing medicine is put in. When the biopsy needle is put in, you may feel a sharp pain for a few seconds.

It is normal to feel some muscle soreness in the area of the biopsy for 2 to 3 days after the biopsy. You may have a small amount of bleeding on the bandage after the biopsy. Talk to your doctor about how much pain and bleeding you can expect. Many people will have bright red blood in their urine for the first 24 hours after the biopsy; this is expected.
anywho.... not looking forward to this but at this point I don't have too many options... the alternative is for them to up my steroids dosage for 12 weeks and I do NOT want to do that... I can't stand the side effects of the amount they already have me on nevermind MORE! The dieuretic they have me on seems to not be working so well as time passes too so I'm starting to retain more fluid again in my feet and face and ankles... Not the most comfortable thing, lemme tell yah.... I can't wait to be off all these meds... when that day comes, I will be a HAPPY HAPPY GIRL! so lets see what this biopsy says.... maybe it'll be good news and I can get off this shit SOON! thats all for now...

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Current mood: intense

SO I was lying awake last night... 4 AM... after waking up and getting caught by my thoughts.... This has been a constant since two weeks ago when I quit my Trazadone that I had been taking since the hospital for sleep/nightmare control..... and it came to me why I feel so changed now....

I've been trying to put my finger on this feeling... this physical and simultaneously emotional sensation that I can conjure up at will now... I'd never felt it before.... not fully.... its a feeling that one cannot explain to anyone else... it is completely beyond description.... and I finally figured out what that feeling is.... and in the context of my life so many puzzle pieces finally clicked together....


absolute and sheer terror.... (I know it's an ironic subject to post about today of all days...)

I'd never felt it before.... and I honestly don't think that many people have... unless you've come so close to death that you could FEEL it... taste it... smell and touch it.... you may have an idea of what it feels life.... but you likely can't even begin to know it's full's the most horrible feeling ever...

I'm not implying now that DEATH in itself is bad.... in theory I understand that it is a part of life.. that it is inevitable... that it is part of the greater cycle.. plan... circle, call it what you will.... but for me, it has made me realize how absolutely terrified I AM of it.... I thought that I had made some sort of peace with it... I thought that I had accepted it.... I thought that with all of my spiritual searching that I had reached some level of understanding of Death... this summer has made me realize that its all BS.... I've been deluding myself.... all I've done is the same as everyone else... pretended that it is irrelevant and non existent and all the while have let it control every aspect of my life....

Its amazing how much humanity is controled by something so simple as the fear of death.... our entire society is built around it.... every culture in the human world...

can we even imagine what life on this planet would be like if we stopped fearing death?

I can't... I only know my own horror at facing it is so intense that the mere thought can choke me now... it wraps around my throat... my entire body.... it interrupts the rhythm of my heart beat.... wakes me from deep sleep... makes the room shake around me... the contents of my stomach rise to my throat..... makes me feel absolute disgust at the sensation of my own fingers upon my flesh...

I am terrified of disappearing.... terrified of the unknown.... terrified of being another irrelevant human animal come and gone in a moment of time..... and I don't know how I'll ever be able to really live unless I can overcome this.... I guess the first step is that I've realized how much power it has over me... I don't know what else to say but..

I don't want to DIE..... I don't want to die.... I don't wanna die.


Current mood: froggy

Lying to Oneself

In this life of so many doors
I don't know which scares me more...
to hear a yes... to hear a no?
or choosing between which ways to go..

Motivationally challenged OCD
self imposed enclosed birdcage
Yearns to be free

Good and Honest to a fault
but robbing convenience stores
has become my art

Will this change? Who can tell...
how much of me is Heaven,
how much is hell?

Ripping and tearing at bones till their bare
The insinuations obvious..
The metaphor's all there...

I look in this mirror and all I can see...

Is that I don't know you,
but worse: I don't know ME.
Currently watching:
The Neverending Story (Widescreen)
Release date: 2001-09-04

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

SHitty day...

Current mood: aggravated

SO this morning I took my parents van to my aqua aerobics class... after the class I came out to a fun surprise. SOmeone smashed the passenger window and took my pocketbook.... which had all of about 15 dollars and some debit cards for EMPTY, CLOSED, and overdrawn bank accounts.... and my mother's cell and mine too..... Besides that they got my liscence, Social security card, appoinment book and some Dr's info..... and a whole stack of my business cards.... it makes me feel a bit better that they got nothing much of value... asshole... BUT, they also got several things that are irreplaceable and of lots of sentimental value to me, including a wallet my mom had given to me that I LOVED, and have had forever... and worst of all.... a book of poems and letters to Lennon that I had been writing to him since I first found out I was pregnant with him..... :( I spent 2 hours poking through bushes and dumpsters in the area in a TORRENTAL downpour trying to see if I could find my bag... hoping maybe when they realized they stole something of NO VALUE that maybe they just tossed it somewhere.... found nothing ..... Plus I had all sorts of shit to do today that got messed up.... was supposed to go for blood tests, acupuncture, etc...... Then I come home to Lennon being more cranky and crazy then I've EVER seen him.... throwing all sorts of tantrums.. and then to find a couple of not so friendly messages and comments here of people complaining that I exposed their children to C-DIFF or some shit... FYI, I didn't have it again... they put me back on antibiotics just in case, but it was (and is) just all the medications I am on that are causeing all the stomach problems... and even if I HAD had it, its not like I would have been doing anything at a birthday party that was going to put anyone else at ANY RISK... so chill.

What a fucking crappy day.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Still here :)

Current mood: nauseated

Hi everyone,
just another quick update... still going to water exercise classes... they are helping alot with getting my strength and endurance back.... I'm finding myself with a bit more energy these days and I can actually go up and down a flight of stairs now without being totally exhausted! I can pick up Lennon and put him in his carseat and all that good stuff too.... I went to my Kidney Doc earlier in the week... protein in the urine issue is still there... its still dropping, but again it is still freakishly high.... unless it drops pretty rapidlyover the next week or so they will most likely do the biopsy to see what the deal is..... Could be anindication of permanant damage to the filers of my kidneys.... A biopsy would also mean an overnight in the hospital.... The alternative to a biopsy would be a 12 WEEK course of HIGH DOSE steroids (prednisone) which I am already on in a pretty high dose and lemme tell you it is some miserable shit... The side effects of that are all sorts of nasty stuff, fluid retention, permanant bone loss, nausea, dizziness, a permanant nasty taste in your mouth all day.... hair growth in wierd places, and bad acne.... etc.... etc.... so I'm thinking the biopsy might be the way to go... at least then I would be able to know what condition my kidneys are in for sure and proceed from there....

LEts see.... I took myself off two of the anti-depressent drugs they had me on.... Trazadone and Clonapin..... I haven't gone nuts yet so I think i'm in the clear ;) I'm still on one, but I'm gonna attempt to wean off that one over the next week or so.....

Much of my bruising has faded now... and a lot of the swellling has gone down and I'm now starting to see the scars and damage that has been done to my body... some of it is pretty harsh, i'll say that... I'm really trying to not let it get me down.... its just skin right... anyways, I'm lucky to still have a living BODY so..... as hard as it is some days I'm just trying to stay positive about that and the helll with the less important things....

I have an appointment with a naturapath on Monday to see what she can do.... I was trying to self medicate homeopathically and have been trying to work on myself nutritionallly but for as much research as I've done on naturalhealthI still sort of feellike I'm shooting inthe dark... so Let's see what a professional can do... my insurance won't cover her and I'm pretty broke, but I'd spend everything I've got if it'll get me healthy and able to get back to living again.... I've got high hopes for the natural route so... we'lll see how it goes :) I also got back that nasty stomach bacteria C-Diff that I had in the hospital which has made for a lot of stomach cramping and painful sorts of fun this past week or so... so now I'm back on that hardcore antibiotic to try and get rid of it again.... after its gone this time I'm going to put myself on a special diet to make sure thatshit does NOT come back again...I am NOT going to go through what my grampa did fighting that thing for 8 friggin months!

Anywho.... aside from my health, other news... Lennon is going through a poopy-head phase right now.... he throws tantrums over ANYTHING and EVERYTHING... and has taken to banging his head into things to make himself cry harder to try to get attention... I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it yet... part of me wants to console him and kiss his bruised head, but thats what he's looking for and I don't want to encourage him... so far I'm trying to just ignore it and not give him the satisfaction of getting attention for acting crazy! I hope it works cause it is really hard to watch him doing that.... he also has been giving me a hard time not listening to me and ignoring me when I'm talking to him cause he has figured out that it takes me longer to get up and grab him, and that when I'm not feeling well I may not get up and chase him to sit him down..... so I'm trying to force myself to follow through on punishing him even if it means making myself get up and grab him in the midst of a bout of nausea to sit him down.... I wish I had more energy to play with him and take him outside and such... I'm sure that a lot of the problem is that he's got lots of energy that he hasn't gotten out most of the summer.... he spent most of the time since I got sick (JUNE) indoors watching the same dozen movies over and over.... It makes me ill to think about but there really wasn't and isn't many options in this circumstance... I try to get Addi to take him outside as much as possible, and I have a few times but I can't keep up with him at all and he has been listening so poorly, and if he were to run into the road or something.... *sigh*..... poor kid.... this summer must have sucked so much for him... to go from being outdoors everyday, riding around on our bike.... feeding the ducks and going on playgrounds.... to Mama disappearing overnight and being cooped upp in the livingroom in front of a TV suddenly... no wonder he's been acting out.... ANyways, again, I can't complain though, I know my mom and Addi had their hands full all summer and did what they could... I'll just have to work extra hard to make up for his past few months with Lennon once I'm back on my feet again....

hmmm..... I think thats about it for now... no real major revelations or soul baring admissions this week, lol... hope everyone has had a good week and if you are in new england hope you all enjoy the loverly tropical storm we are expecting this weekend! Be good,
Currently watching:
The Princess Bride (20th Anniversary Widescreen Edition)
Release date: 2007-11-13