Wednesday, January 10, 2007

revelations and resolutions

Current mood: artistic

My revelations on life, on motherhood, on finally growing up, and my new years resolution:

My new years resolution I decided today is to stop shopping at the corporate retail wastelands of the world..... I been putting it off for a long time, thinkin I can't afford it.. I keep buying these crappy clothes that I don't really like but I settle for them cause they are inexpensive... yah know what, usually throughout my life I have ended up with at least twice as many clothing items as I truely need.. and I don't like most of them so I don't wear them, and if you tally up all the 10 to 20 dollar items i purchase from the walmarts and old navys of the world, i probably spend (at least) just as much or more as i would if i just purchased the handmade, ecofriendly, beautiful stuff that I REALLY LOVE! same with the baby clothes.. I do laundry just about every day as it is... so i'm thinkin wouldn't it make more sense to just buy the organic, hemp, beautiful handmade stuff that I'd much rather put on my angel's little sensitive body and have only 10 different outfits that I can was when need be than to buy 40 or 50 clearance rack items made by baby gap??? I'm trying to switch over to cloth diapers right now too.... I been talkin bout trying to make certain lifestyle changes for years and I feel like its time to just start takin the plunge in as many ways as I can....
I know some of my friends and family think I'm totally nucking futs for desiring a nutty crunchy lifestyle... but I have always thought nothing would be better than growing my own food and trade food with others who do the same.. all the while wearing clothes made by a human being who put time and love into it... washing with natural homemade soap.... walking where I need to or riding a bicycle... maybe taking a bus or driving my car VERY infrequently... I could keep going on and on with this daydream all the way to producing my own energy with waterwheels or windmills.... *sigh* maybe I shoulda been born amish... or maybe I should go find myself a hippie I know its been a long while since I wrote a blog.. but this mothering thing I'm doin is inspiring me in so many ways.... and making me grow up in many others... I'm starting to realize that life is gonna go whichever way its gonna go... in many ways its like being on a rollercoaster blindfolded... just because we can't see the track doesn't mean its not going where its supposed to go.. maybe I'll never live the dreams I've dared to dream.. maybe I won't get to raise my children while trotting the globe... maybe Lennon won't get to grow up living an unconventional life in africa traveling around helping provide humanitarian aid... learning the invaluable lessons of love, compassion, and even survival outside the comforts of microwave ovens... without a television or video game in sight.....maybe.. . maybe not...
I love my family and I know how much they love me and my son.... If my mother felt or feels even a tenth for me of the intensity of love that I feel for the little soul that I've ushered into the world than I can very much understand how scared and sad she must feel or have felt when I speak of leaving this ara.. this state or country... or when I hopped into a car with a boyfriend who was a few bolts short of a nut and headed for the pacific...
Being a mother has made me realize more than a few things... I may or may not spend the rest of my short little life in Connecticut... or the USA... but either way I will try my best to be happy and content with the cards I am dealt... If I do go elsewhere, wether it be massachusetts, northern california, south africa, or fiji, it will be with a purpose... not just to run away from this place or this person that I am.... I've finally discovered that will be exactly the same person wether I am here or 3000 miles from this place I've grown up in. Distance will not change me, my faults will still be there clear as day to everyone but myself if I choose to stay blind to that which keeps me down... Those horrors that keep arising in the situations I place myself in will continue no matter my location... You cannot run from yourself... Maybe its not connecticut I despise... maybe it is parts of myself and I only blame connecticut and its inhabitants for bringing them to the surface... People are people no matter where they live or what language they speak... greed, selfishness, hate, anger... these live all over the globe.. as do selflessness, joy, compassion, and love... no place is perfect just as no person is...maybe I need to change myself instead of my zipcode...
I would love to see the things I've only seen on the discovery channel and in national geographic.. I would love to live in an exotic location... learn many many languages and have the opportunity to love and care for many different people all over the earth... but I also would love to have a relationship with my family that some folks never have the opportunity to experience.. anyone can travel.. stick out their thumb and hop a train... everyone can live anywhere they choose.... not everyone gets a family full of beautiful people and the chance to have REAL relationships with those they share the same blood and have grown up with. Maybe the only travels I will do are the travels that one can only do within the heart and mind of another human being... my son... my mom and dad... my brothers or my sisters... and the friends I choose to surround myself with. Maybe its time to leave behind childish dreams and exchange them with the dreams of my child... dreams for my child... I can think of no better people to teach him the lessons of life and love than his grandparents and aunts and uncles... as for my desires to live a life au naturale.. maybe I'll have to content myself with living as true to myself and mothernature as I can be within the means I have.... maybe with each passing year I'll be able to come closer and closer to the simple life I want.... or maybe I'll only ever come as close as the burts bees soaps I currently use... the cloth sacks I bring to the grocery store.. the handmade clothes I'd like to buy... and the naturally inspiring toys and games, crafts and instruments I'll provide to my son.... Maybe instead of focusing my energy on trying to find my way out of this place I'll focus on FINDING MY WAY in this place... making the best life I can for my son.. If the opportunity arises someday and if there is a purpose for me to leave here.. I'm open to it... open to life..but I've come to realize that if it never does its okay. After all, we can only change the world one life at a time. My beautiful, innocent, perfectly uncorrupted unspoilt little son Lennon is my chance to change the world... and HE is all the world I need.

Did You Know?
• In New York City alone, one less grocery bag per person per year would reduce waste by 5 million lbs. and save $250,000 in disposal costs.

• Plastic bags carry 80% of the nation's groceries, up from 5% in 1982.

• When 1 ton of paper bags is reused or recycled, 3 cubic meters of landfill space is saved and 13 - 17 trees are spared!

• In 1997, 955,000 tons of paper bags were used in the United States.

• When 1 ton of plastic bags is reused or recycled, the energy equivalent of 11 barrels of oil are saved.

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