complications...

Current mood: depressed


complications of times long gone by..


Sometimes I sound off..
with such convictions
almost as a religious fundamentalist
as if I've got it broken down... and by the balls...
so to speak...
other times I fear
it is just pretend...
maybe I'm still 7 years old... like the first one I remember...
birth came and went... and again and again..
Time, like always: it passes,
questions still unanswered
life i fear escapes me
and I'm still standing here

and if I'm being honest...

I cannot shake your face
and the days long gone away
creeping into my nights
my day-mares...
like a twisted and crippled creature...
always lurking...
how fucked up does it make me..
that I'm still not over you..
that you are in my thoughts every day
that I love our child more
because he is a piece of you...
and how terrified does it leave me..
that I related so well..
to one so mad...
that I miss you still...

and you... and you..
we've been round in circles
many times before...
it'll never be what I'd dream
or you'd dream... but it haunts us just the same..
and again I watch your back grow smaller...
crying for surely not the last time...
and I know you'll call
and I know I'll write
maybe a visit now and then..
but life is here and we are there
and there'll never be another
meteor shower in JP again...

... tears still fall over what was raped from me..
torn from my womb as a sheet of scrap paper....
It'll never be the same... that moment in time I've lost..
shaking I lay on the cold hard table...
unable to feel... the scalpel or about the first cries of his life......
Shaking I lay....and thought only of me...
The boy they kept in a clear box.. taken from me...
hours passed...
as he waited...
shaking I lay...

and late at night when its quiet
and I play it over in my mind..
shaking I lie...
and still I cry...

I wrote a poem once upon a paper....
it read very clear..my fears of becoming my mother...
now it seems I may be on the threshold of that door...
do I really mind it all that much???
Now that I see so much we share...
Maybe what bothers me most is not what
room I am walking into.. so much as the one
I've left behind....

theres a place inside me thats grown
puts me behind my little ones needs..
but still I cannot slay this monster
that wants to hand him off.. put him down..
walk away... off to more unimportant things..
off to paint and knit my way
right into a neglected little boy
is this me... or am I far to harsh..
I know not my friends...

I only know how much I want to RUN... but I know not how.... I have no where to go... and I have yet to find out why....

I only know how quick I am to point fingers...
name names... to settle on my verdict...
I know the times that words as foul as vomit
have spilled forth from my own mouth...
I know the statements I've chased
as they flew from my tounge.. too late to catch them
too late...

must I always realize the time was now
just a minute too late..



Currently listening:
Happy Baby Series: Beatles for Babies
By Various Artists
Release date: 28 September, 1999