Wednesday, January 21, 2015

That awkward moment.

These are the moments
when I stare into the darkness
blindly trying to see right
what it is that hangs over me in this night.
and these are the moments
when I am not sure if i have nothing to say
or so much of everything to give away that its hard
to choose even one gift... a word out of the infinite
sounds, stories and songs tap dancing on my brain
pouring down like rain disappearing down the drain
plucking away at my heart strings
heart sings... heart stings.
when I realize that for all practical purposes and in spite of intent.
the gift of words too often fails me when my lips address those who matter most.
that despite my desire and my despair
despite my depths i so badly want to issue invitations into
as I am better with frozen than I am with fresh,
so am I better with keys than I am with flesh.
but maybe (I tell myself to banish those lonely banshee cries)
that its okay because ultimately wether you are laying beside me,
or a hundred miles away
we are each alone, always, every moment for all time...
the paradox that we are always only ever together...
(skin being the most irrelevant thing on earth.)
followed closely by space and time as boxes and desks and paychecks
death and taxes and insurance cards.
safety only comes in sleep... in counting wolves instead of sheep?
unconsciousness existence is easy as pie... silently numbly, struggle free. we die.
an easy path from breath to death, all boxed up from crib to cubicle to coffin...
ipad ipod iphone isee
nothing but H D T V
these are the moments when i ramble... like a child mumbling in her sleep
and even unconsciousness is not what it seems
only half of what i say makes any sense to anyone
but to me what is sensible is senseless and nonsense is common sense...
trapped in here... daring to see the way through fear...
this is the mirror writing on the asylum windows.
feeling like i could burst out of my seams
burst forth with dreams
untamed and untethered you could spread out all those feathers... no more terror. No more rage...
an entire universe all locked up like a peacock in a songbird's cage...
beautiful tail... pride and joy
fluffy and blue.... beautiful boy
sticking out awkward and odd from between the bars of these cells..
ridiculous and foolish and still a majestic site to behold
for those that can see through walls and bars and ties that bind... to seek, to find.
These are those moments when I wish so hard that I was better at saying what I feel, instead of what I think.
that i could flow and roll smooth off my tongue... could dance words into in our shared space. could speak my heart into your face.
moments when i know that i care so fucking much that i can't breathe, and yet I don't care at all... all at once, and somehow that makes perfect sense.
these are the moments when I hold you in my heart. an image in my mind, a snapshop of frozen time. Smiling into the dark... so beautifully for no one to see, just to feel... just to be.
These are the moments when I know without a doubt that god and love are one and the same and that those words mean everything....and absolutely nothing,
for you cannot own it if you haven't FELT it. and you cannot own it just the same.
Ownership is a lie... fatally flawed....
possession is illusion. and so are your laws.
are the moments when i know with out a doubt
that the whole world is coming down upon on my head and yours...
watching collapsing towers and great walls falling...
laughing and despairing at the sheer wonder... the madness of it all.
Explosions shocking the world...
watching the fireworks with the awe of my seven year old self bouncing on my knee.
because who else can I be?
these are the moments looking through walls and watching through glass ceilings.
when i stare into the darkness until I can see right through it to the stars
clear and bright above.
only through the night comes the dawn's first light
and every, everything.
is gonna be alright.