Current mood: discontent
I keep pretending..
That things don't bother me...
that we still have a relationship...despite the years and miles...
I keep pretending that it doesn't hurt...
I keep pretending.... and I know without a doubt
that someday I will get my act together...
that I am so sure of who I am at whatever given point in time...
that I am not terrified of being alone for the rest of my life... that I'm not terrified of death...
that I'm not terrified of failure and success... yes and no....
and I keep pretending that the ultimate terror is not LIFE and the simple act of living it...
I keep pretending...
that I don't need anyone as I push them away...
that I know my ass from my elbow..
that I was abused with intent and with a purpose...
that I'm not totally and completely overwhelmed by being a mom at times..
by being a person at times..
and that whenever I shoot off at the mouth it is with the best of intentions...
I keep pretending that I'm not lonely...
keep pretending that I'm not in pain inside and out..
keep pretending that everything is okay and if not, that it will be someday...
I keep pretending that I am immune to the human condition in all its facets...
I keep pretending that I am a vegetarian eating a healthy diet with a healthy lifestyle... though the photographs would tell otherwise...
I keep pretending that I have something to teach...
that I am unique...
that I am not just another sheep....
another desperate single mom...
sometimes a terrible mom...
another welfare check...
another selfish act in a selfish life...
another complete and total failure....
I keep pretending that these tears aren't real...
and that this fear is not there...
I keep pretending....
............................. and it'll all be okay...
observations, thoughts, poems, and perspectives... from within my fishbowl and without...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
What the hell is our new vice president on?
....and what kind of nasty shit does our new president and administration have in store for us???
Current mood: contemplative
Here is a partial transcript.. of a speech Joe Biden.. (our new vice president elect..) gave to a small.. group.. of campaign donors in late October...... apparently he must have spoke out of turn and said some things that did not go over well with Obama's campaign managers because even though this was in the final weeks of the campaign Joe was basically MIA on the campaign trail after this speech...
October 20, 2008 7:35 AM
ABC News' Matthew Jaffe Reports: Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., on Sunday guaranteed that if elected, Sen. Barack Obama., D-Ill., will be tested by an international crisis within his first six months in power and he will need supporters to stand by him as he makes tough, and possibly unpopular, decisions.
"Mark my words," the Democratic vice presidential nominee warned at the second of his two Seattle fundraisers Sunday. "It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.
Remember I said it standing here if you don't remember anything else I said.
Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.
"
"I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where it might originate," Biden said to Emerald City supporters, mentioning the Middle East and Russia as possibilities. "And he's gonna need help.
And the kind of help he's gonna need is, he's gonna need you - not financially to help him - we're gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right.
"
Not only will the next administration have to deal with foreign affairs issues, Biden warned, but also with the current economic crisis.
"Gird your loins," Biden told the crowd. "We're gonna win with your help, God willing, we're gonna win, but this is not gonna be an easy ride. This president, the next president, is gonna be left with the most significant task. It's like cleaning the Augean stables, man. This is more than just, this is more than – think about it, literally, think about it – this is more than just a capital crisis, this is more than just markets. This is a systemic problem we have with this economy.
"
The Delaware lawmaker managed to rake in an estimated $1 million total from his two money hauls at the downtown Sheraton, the same hotel where four years ago Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., clinched the Democratic nomination. Despite warning about the difficulties the next administration will face, Biden said the Democratic ticket is equipped to meet the challenges head on.
"I've forgotten more about foreign policy than most of my colleagues know, so I'm not being falsely humble with you. I think I can be value added, but this guy has it," the Senate Foreign Relations chairman said of Obama. "This guy has it. But he's gonna need your help.
Because I promise you, you all are gonna be sitting here a year from now going, 'Oh my God, why are they there in the polls? Why is the polling so down? Why is this thing so tough?' We're gonna have to make some incredibly tough decisions in the first two years. So I'm asking you now, I'm asking you now, be prepared to stick with us. Remember the faith you had at this point because you're going to have to reinforce us.
"
"There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, 'Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don't know about that decision'," Biden continued. "Because if you think the decision is sound when they're made, which I believe you will when they're made, they're not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they're popular, they're probably not sound.
"
Biden emphasized that the mountainous Afghanistan-Pakistan border is of particular concern, with Osama bin Laden "alive and well" and Pakistan "bristling with nuclear weapons.
"
"You literally can see what these kids are up against, our kids in that region," Biden said in recalling when his helicopter was forced down due to a snowstorm there. "The place is crawling with al Qaeda. And it's real.
"
"We do not have the military capacity, nor have we ever, quite frankly, in the last 20 years, to dictate outcomes," he cautioned. "It's so much more important than that. It's so much more complicated than that. And Barack gets it.
After speaking for just over a quarter of an hour, Biden noticed the media presence in the back of the small ballroom.
"I probably shouldn't have said all this because it dawned on me that the press is here," he joked.
"All kidding aside, these guys have left us in a God-awful place," he then said of the Bush regime, promptly wrapping up his remarks. "We have the ability to straighten it out. It's gonna take a little bit of time, so I ask you to stay with us. Stay with us".
Hmmmmm... False.. flag...........
Current mood: contemplative
Here is a partial transcript.. of a speech Joe Biden.. (our new vice president elect..) gave to a small.. group.. of campaign donors in late October...... apparently he must have spoke out of turn and said some things that did not go over well with Obama's campaign managers because even though this was in the final weeks of the campaign Joe was basically MIA on the campaign trail after this speech...
October 20, 2008 7:35 AM
ABC News' Matthew Jaffe Reports: Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., on Sunday guaranteed that if elected, Sen. Barack Obama., D-Ill., will be tested by an international crisis within his first six months in power and he will need supporters to stand by him as he makes tough, and possibly unpopular, decisions.
"Mark my words," the Democratic vice presidential nominee warned at the second of his two Seattle fundraisers Sunday. "It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.
Remember I said it standing here if you don't remember anything else I said.
Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.
"
"I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where it might originate," Biden said to Emerald City supporters, mentioning the Middle East and Russia as possibilities. "And he's gonna need help.
And the kind of help he's gonna need is, he's gonna need you - not financially to help him - we're gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right.
"
Not only will the next administration have to deal with foreign affairs issues, Biden warned, but also with the current economic crisis.
"Gird your loins," Biden told the crowd. "We're gonna win with your help, God willing, we're gonna win, but this is not gonna be an easy ride. This president, the next president, is gonna be left with the most significant task. It's like cleaning the Augean stables, man. This is more than just, this is more than – think about it, literally, think about it – this is more than just a capital crisis, this is more than just markets. This is a systemic problem we have with this economy.
"
The Delaware lawmaker managed to rake in an estimated $1 million total from his two money hauls at the downtown Sheraton, the same hotel where four years ago Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., clinched the Democratic nomination. Despite warning about the difficulties the next administration will face, Biden said the Democratic ticket is equipped to meet the challenges head on.
"I've forgotten more about foreign policy than most of my colleagues know, so I'm not being falsely humble with you. I think I can be value added, but this guy has it," the Senate Foreign Relations chairman said of Obama. "This guy has it. But he's gonna need your help.
Because I promise you, you all are gonna be sitting here a year from now going, 'Oh my God, why are they there in the polls? Why is the polling so down? Why is this thing so tough?' We're gonna have to make some incredibly tough decisions in the first two years. So I'm asking you now, I'm asking you now, be prepared to stick with us. Remember the faith you had at this point because you're going to have to reinforce us.
"
"There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, 'Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don't know about that decision'," Biden continued. "Because if you think the decision is sound when they're made, which I believe you will when they're made, they're not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they're popular, they're probably not sound.
"
Biden emphasized that the mountainous Afghanistan-Pakistan border is of particular concern, with Osama bin Laden "alive and well" and Pakistan "bristling with nuclear weapons.
"
"You literally can see what these kids are up against, our kids in that region," Biden said in recalling when his helicopter was forced down due to a snowstorm there. "The place is crawling with al Qaeda. And it's real.
"
"We do not have the military capacity, nor have we ever, quite frankly, in the last 20 years, to dictate outcomes," he cautioned. "It's so much more important than that. It's so much more complicated than that. And Barack gets it.
After speaking for just over a quarter of an hour, Biden noticed the media presence in the back of the small ballroom.
"I probably shouldn't have said all this because it dawned on me that the press is here," he joked.
"All kidding aside, these guys have left us in a God-awful place," he then said of the Bush regime, promptly wrapping up his remarks. "We have the ability to straighten it out. It's gonna take a little bit of time, so I ask you to stay with us. Stay with us".
Hmmmmm... False.. flag...........
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Where Was Secret Service During Bush Shoe Attack?
Current mood: angsty
pulled this from someones blog I stumbled upon.....its some interesting food for thought...
Where Was Secret Service During Bush Shoe Attack?
By Tommy Christopher
Dec 15th 2008 8:06PM
Filed Under:ePresident Bush, Republicans
Am I the only one who's wondering this? These guys are supposed to be ready to take a bullet for the President. Not one of them could catch up to a shoe? Or a second shoe? Where was the dramatic, slo-mo shot of someone diving in front of Bush to take the footgear that was meant for the President? How was this guy allowed to throw that 2nd shoe?
Say what you will about Bush, he displayed not only good reflexes, but a cool head. That guy could have been throwing anything.
When you think about it that way, it really isn't so funny. Love Bush or hate him, any American has got to see that we can't have people throwing stuff at the President. [Exactly! The SS would have shot him before the 2nd throw, even if they shot others in the room as well. They were not standing next to Bush either. They always follow procedure unless an event is pre-planned to fail. Like Kennedys' assassination. I know the thrower is supposed to be being tortured, but the media has gone wild with the story. Why? Even alternative media gets suckered by the MSM-gov ploys.]
Submitted by mytrueword on Tue, 12/16/2008 - 16:42
Laughing George
mytrueword
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=908gw73mY4g
Bush Get Shoe Thrown At Him (UNCUT VERSION) During Iraq Press Conference
[George laughs and winks while painful screams are going on. Very at ease. He KNEW he was in no danger. The apparently brutal treatment of the journalist doesn't bother him. The journalist has become a brave hero and rallying symbol for the Iraqis in their hatred of Bush by their demanding the release of the brave journalist. Yet, the whole event could be a psy-ops one to make the Iraqis and others who have disdain for Bush feel they are getting some kind of revenge through what this journalist has done. It is working that way anyway, even though nothing outside of an actual, aggressive Iraqi uprising or judgmental retribution enacted against Bush can punish him for his crimes or cause him anguish and fear. The journalist may be a courageous man, but at this point his action has only provided an emotional outlet for those who cannot stop or change what is being done in Iraq. ]
Currently watching:
The Muppet Movie
Release date: 1993-03-02
pulled this from someones blog I stumbled upon.....its some interesting food for thought...
Where Was Secret Service During Bush Shoe Attack?
By Tommy Christopher
Dec 15th 2008 8:06PM
Filed Under:ePresident Bush, Republicans
Am I the only one who's wondering this? These guys are supposed to be ready to take a bullet for the President. Not one of them could catch up to a shoe? Or a second shoe? Where was the dramatic, slo-mo shot of someone diving in front of Bush to take the footgear that was meant for the President? How was this guy allowed to throw that 2nd shoe?
Say what you will about Bush, he displayed not only good reflexes, but a cool head. That guy could have been throwing anything.
When you think about it that way, it really isn't so funny. Love Bush or hate him, any American has got to see that we can't have people throwing stuff at the President. [Exactly! The SS would have shot him before the 2nd throw, even if they shot others in the room as well. They were not standing next to Bush either. They always follow procedure unless an event is pre-planned to fail. Like Kennedys' assassination. I know the thrower is supposed to be being tortured, but the media has gone wild with the story. Why? Even alternative media gets suckered by the MSM-gov ploys.]
Submitted by mytrueword on Tue, 12/16/2008 - 16:42
Laughing George
mytrueword
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=908gw73mY4g
Bush Get Shoe Thrown At Him (UNCUT VERSION) During Iraq Press Conference
[George laughs and winks while painful screams are going on. Very at ease. He KNEW he was in no danger. The apparently brutal treatment of the journalist doesn't bother him. The journalist has become a brave hero and rallying symbol for the Iraqis in their hatred of Bush by their demanding the release of the brave journalist. Yet, the whole event could be a psy-ops one to make the Iraqis and others who have disdain for Bush feel they are getting some kind of revenge through what this journalist has done. It is working that way anyway, even though nothing outside of an actual, aggressive Iraqi uprising or judgmental retribution enacted against Bush can punish him for his crimes or cause him anguish and fear. The journalist may be a courageous man, but at this point his action has only provided an emotional outlet for those who cannot stop or change what is being done in Iraq. ]
Currently watching:
The Muppet Movie
Release date: 1993-03-02
Friday, December 5, 2008
ART and CREATIONS - Finally set up shop!!
Current mood: artistic
hey everyone, just wanted to let you all know that I finally have my shop set up for business. I have loaded a bunch of stuff, with more going up every day! Go check it out if you get a moment and let me know what you think! :)
http://mamatrashheap.etsy.com
Kalee
hey everyone, just wanted to let you all know that I finally have my shop set up for business. I have loaded a bunch of stuff, with more going up every day! Go check it out if you get a moment and let me know what you think! :)
http://mamatrashheap.etsy.com
Kalee
I’m going to go back there someday...
Current mood:EVERYTHING.
This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,
Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet.
Close to my soul, and yet so far away.
I'm going to go back there someday.
Sun rises, night falls, sometimes the sky calls.
Is that a song there, and do I belong there?
I've never been there, but I know the way.
I'm going to go back there someday.
Come and go with me, it's more fun to share,
We'll both be completely at home in midair.
We're flyin', not walkin', on featherless wings.
We can hold onto love like invisible strings.
There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there someday.
I'm going to go back there someday.
-Gonzo
Currently watching:
The Science of Sleep
Release date: 2007-02-06
This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,
Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet.
Close to my soul, and yet so far away.
I'm going to go back there someday.
Sun rises, night falls, sometimes the sky calls.
Is that a song there, and do I belong there?
I've never been there, but I know the way.
I'm going to go back there someday.
Come and go with me, it's more fun to share,
We'll both be completely at home in midair.
We're flyin', not walkin', on featherless wings.
We can hold onto love like invisible strings.
There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there someday.
I'm going to go back there someday.
-Gonzo
Currently watching:
The Science of Sleep
Release date: 2007-02-06
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Lennon said "I love you"
Current mood: amorous
...to me for the first time yesterday!!! :) He's been saying it to everyone from his Grampa to the Garbageman for a couple weeks, everyone except me. Cause he usually says it when people are leaving... as a part of his "dyyye! (bye) A YAH YOU! (I love you)" and usually when I am leaving he is busy throwing a fit and doesn't say bye to me.... But yesterday I was stepping out the door to run outside for a minute and he said it to me! So I opened the door back up and said it to him and he said it twice more (just the I love you part).... it was about the loveliest thing EVER. :-D
Currently watching:
Wall-E (Widescreen Single-Disc Edition)
Release date: 2008-11-18
...to me for the first time yesterday!!! :) He's been saying it to everyone from his Grampa to the Garbageman for a couple weeks, everyone except me. Cause he usually says it when people are leaving... as a part of his "dyyye! (bye) A YAH YOU! (I love you)" and usually when I am leaving he is busy throwing a fit and doesn't say bye to me.... But yesterday I was stepping out the door to run outside for a minute and he said it to me! So I opened the door back up and said it to him and he said it twice more (just the I love you part).... it was about the loveliest thing EVER. :-D
Currently watching:
Wall-E (Widescreen Single-Disc Edition)
Release date: 2008-11-18
Friday, November 28, 2008
who dictates logic and fact?
Current mood: grateful
Happy crappy-excuse-to-stuff-myself day everyone :) just some thoughts on life.... It occured to me (as it sometimes does) today that I don't spend nearly enough time cuddling, playing with, or hugging my child as I should... In those moments when I actually do it feels like the most awesome and natural thing in the world... I have a great time talking to and just generally hanging out with Lennon... its amazing how intelligent and loving and creative he is, and it becomes so obvious to me how much he is constantly trying to communicate with the world around him, even though his verbal skills aren't the greatest... though others may not see or understand it, in those moments when I am actually paying attention.. IN TUNE with my little son, I understand so much of what he says, and what he means through his actions and signs... I don't do any of it anywhere near as much as I should though.... somehow or another I forget how cool he is... or I get distracted by any one of a number of worthless things... or I get caught up in the constant nagging of "me, me, me"... waste time indulging in selfishness, foolishness, or self pity...
I also, at times, don't set limits for him like I should, when I should... sometimes because I am so afraid of sounding like any one of the many parents that I have criticized at one time or another... other times because I am unsure of what the hell it means to be a human-being myself and thus do not feel qualifyed to tell my child what is up or down, right or wrong..... but too often it is because I am simply giving in to laziness or self indulgence... too busy to see or hear... running far too fast, or much too blinded by my own wants to see what HE NEEDS...
It sucks to see and realize these things but to have a serious lack of motivation to stop doing, and being this person... maybe that is what I hope to strive for with blogs of thoughts such as this...... I try to summon it up, that motivation, but since this summer's events I have been having a pretty tought time doing it anymore... Before june I feel like there were all these things I knew about life... and all these attributes I had already discovered... all these flaws within me I was working on and all these amazing qualities I was just learning to appreciate about myself.... and I don't know what happened to so much of it... I don't know if it is temporary effects of the trauma... or of the meds.... or wether it is a permanent scar that my mind now carries to match the ones on my body.... I will think thoughts now that I am sure I've had before... I'll have an epiphany... only to realize that its one I've had before but had since forgotten... it's like being on a crash course of all the lessons of life that I had already taken the full course on, if that makes any sense... I was pretty sure I was on my way to being an awesome mama, and maybe even a pretty good human being... and now I fear I may have lost my way for a bit...
and then there on the other hand is another side to this ordeal of mine... The answers to the prayers I had been sending out to the world and hadn't even been aware of... The lessons I so badly needed to learn... the karmic debts I had yet to admit I owed...The wake up calls and the slaps in the face and the realizations of how many awesome opportunities stare me in the face....The statments and expressions of truth ringing in my ears.... So much of them sound so clease to even try to put into words... but they all call out truer than they ever have before to this girl... Life is too short to waste focusing on our differences... why do I focus so much on what drives us apart... on YOUR FLAWS when I have so many of my own? Life is too short to waste wondering "what if?" or being bitter about all those events and people who didn't work out the way I thought they should... Life is not promised or guarenteed for any length of time, nor to anyone no matter what bargins they try to make with health... too unpredictable to take those we hold high for granted, repeating those ever famous line about needing to get together soon and laughing about how time flies and making hollow promises of plans that never pan out....Our time is MUCH too short to spend stuck in the same place.... sitting at the starting line afraid to move a muscle for fear of failure or ridicule... in a tree afraid to chose another limb for fear of falling.. ready to jump in any old leaky boat for fear of actually reaching the other side... its TOO short... and you don't have THAT KIND of time.
Its hard to know what true caring, love, and compassion is until you have had to have someone else wipe your ass and bathe you... its a hard thing for me to even concieve of now, let alone talk about, how helpless I really was when sickness ravaged my body and mind.... hard to look back and feel again what I felt in some of those moments... try and REALLY recall... and no matter how hard I try I can't............................... the terrifying moments when I felt like I was falling out of my skin... being ripped from the only body I can recall knowing... Those hazy moments with angels in blue and devils tearing me apart inside and out. Hallucinations of self mutilation... my daddy by my side always with a cold damp cloth to sooth my forehead... my mom: so scared.... I thought she looked like a fragile bird almost broken in two.... my little boy.. petrified and confused by his own mother... running from me and hiding his face.... how much I missed him.... the physical ache and the never ending lump in my throat of being torn from him and not having him there to cuddle... to nurse to sleep.... to hug... or EVEN to just be able to sit and watch him babbling his foreign tounges and being a silly little kid.... straining to hear him in the background on the phone... hoping for a "he-woah, wha?" on the speakerphone.... my heart in agony at the sound of him crying 30 miles away, but what could have been a million miles... not being close enough to wrap my arms around him, wipe away his tears and kiss his nose... no cold little toes digging into my side and no smallish fingers tangled around my dreaded locks of hair as I tried to sleep it all away....
...and then there was my brothers and sisters: my friends... with tears in their eyes... looking at me in a way I had never seen them look... afraid that tommorrow I may not be there... trying to be courageous and not let me know just how close death's grip might be... all willing me the strength to hang on and FIGHT for my life... and somewhere in my drugged and confused mind even the vague knowledge of all the friends and aquaintences who in some way, wether large or just for a moment, had heard the news and felt for my family and I... and all the fear and sorrow I felt for those I would leave behind and the ordeals that they would experience with my passing.... And most horrifying of all... that darkness I was spinning in.... swallowing me up.... afraid to let go and fall.... see if there might be more light on the other side.... afraid to stay another day... to face another moment of a waking nightmare.... and that unconcious understanding that it was my choice to make.... which way I would go... so much unfinished and undone.... so many things still to breathe for....
....all of these things I am coming to grips with... trying to absorb still... and also trying not to let the physical, mental, emotionals scars and lingering wounds keep me from moving forward...
...and in light of all of this....
On this day of thanksgiving. I refuse to give thanks to or for the twisted (and as of now manipulated and adulterated in common references) events which brought about the creation of the corrupted/corrupting heirarchey currently in place in this GREAT LANDmass which holds so many incredible human and non human lives.... but I will undoubtedly and wholeheartedly give thanks for the life which still gives a throne for this soul to sit... the lungs which still breathe and the heart which still beats... the kidneys that still cleanse my body of the toxins which poison it... the brain which survived to think another day... slowly yet steadily recovering from the damages suffered from seizing and sedating alike... for the over 400 human arms which donated the blood and plasmas that saved the only mother my son will ever have (and the body's and soul's attached to those arms :)) and for the many souls out there who wether seen or unbeknownst to me held me up when I was falling down. I am truely grateful for all for the first time on this: THANKSgiving day....
Currently reading:
The Sneetches and Other Stories
By Dr. Seuss
Release date: 1961-08-12
Happy crappy-excuse-to-stuff-myself day everyone :) just some thoughts on life.... It occured to me (as it sometimes does) today that I don't spend nearly enough time cuddling, playing with, or hugging my child as I should... In those moments when I actually do it feels like the most awesome and natural thing in the world... I have a great time talking to and just generally hanging out with Lennon... its amazing how intelligent and loving and creative he is, and it becomes so obvious to me how much he is constantly trying to communicate with the world around him, even though his verbal skills aren't the greatest... though others may not see or understand it, in those moments when I am actually paying attention.. IN TUNE with my little son, I understand so much of what he says, and what he means through his actions and signs... I don't do any of it anywhere near as much as I should though.... somehow or another I forget how cool he is... or I get distracted by any one of a number of worthless things... or I get caught up in the constant nagging of "me, me, me"... waste time indulging in selfishness, foolishness, or self pity...
I also, at times, don't set limits for him like I should, when I should... sometimes because I am so afraid of sounding like any one of the many parents that I have criticized at one time or another... other times because I am unsure of what the hell it means to be a human-being myself and thus do not feel qualifyed to tell my child what is up or down, right or wrong..... but too often it is because I am simply giving in to laziness or self indulgence... too busy to see or hear... running far too fast, or much too blinded by my own wants to see what HE NEEDS...
It sucks to see and realize these things but to have a serious lack of motivation to stop doing, and being this person... maybe that is what I hope to strive for with blogs of thoughts such as this...... I try to summon it up, that motivation, but since this summer's events I have been having a pretty tought time doing it anymore... Before june I feel like there were all these things I knew about life... and all these attributes I had already discovered... all these flaws within me I was working on and all these amazing qualities I was just learning to appreciate about myself.... and I don't know what happened to so much of it... I don't know if it is temporary effects of the trauma... or of the meds.... or wether it is a permanent scar that my mind now carries to match the ones on my body.... I will think thoughts now that I am sure I've had before... I'll have an epiphany... only to realize that its one I've had before but had since forgotten... it's like being on a crash course of all the lessons of life that I had already taken the full course on, if that makes any sense... I was pretty sure I was on my way to being an awesome mama, and maybe even a pretty good human being... and now I fear I may have lost my way for a bit...
and then there on the other hand is another side to this ordeal of mine... The answers to the prayers I had been sending out to the world and hadn't even been aware of... The lessons I so badly needed to learn... the karmic debts I had yet to admit I owed...The wake up calls and the slaps in the face and the realizations of how many awesome opportunities stare me in the face....The statments and expressions of truth ringing in my ears.... So much of them sound so clease to even try to put into words... but they all call out truer than they ever have before to this girl... Life is too short to waste focusing on our differences... why do I focus so much on what drives us apart... on YOUR FLAWS when I have so many of my own? Life is too short to waste wondering "what if?" or being bitter about all those events and people who didn't work out the way I thought they should... Life is not promised or guarenteed for any length of time, nor to anyone no matter what bargins they try to make with health... too unpredictable to take those we hold high for granted, repeating those ever famous line about needing to get together soon and laughing about how time flies and making hollow promises of plans that never pan out....Our time is MUCH too short to spend stuck in the same place.... sitting at the starting line afraid to move a muscle for fear of failure or ridicule... in a tree afraid to chose another limb for fear of falling.. ready to jump in any old leaky boat for fear of actually reaching the other side... its TOO short... and you don't have THAT KIND of time.
Its hard to know what true caring, love, and compassion is until you have had to have someone else wipe your ass and bathe you... its a hard thing for me to even concieve of now, let alone talk about, how helpless I really was when sickness ravaged my body and mind.... hard to look back and feel again what I felt in some of those moments... try and REALLY recall... and no matter how hard I try I can't............................... the terrifying moments when I felt like I was falling out of my skin... being ripped from the only body I can recall knowing... Those hazy moments with angels in blue and devils tearing me apart inside and out. Hallucinations of self mutilation... my daddy by my side always with a cold damp cloth to sooth my forehead... my mom: so scared.... I thought she looked like a fragile bird almost broken in two.... my little boy.. petrified and confused by his own mother... running from me and hiding his face.... how much I missed him.... the physical ache and the never ending lump in my throat of being torn from him and not having him there to cuddle... to nurse to sleep.... to hug... or EVEN to just be able to sit and watch him babbling his foreign tounges and being a silly little kid.... straining to hear him in the background on the phone... hoping for a "he-woah, wha?" on the speakerphone.... my heart in agony at the sound of him crying 30 miles away, but what could have been a million miles... not being close enough to wrap my arms around him, wipe away his tears and kiss his nose... no cold little toes digging into my side and no smallish fingers tangled around my dreaded locks of hair as I tried to sleep it all away....
...and then there was my brothers and sisters: my friends... with tears in their eyes... looking at me in a way I had never seen them look... afraid that tommorrow I may not be there... trying to be courageous and not let me know just how close death's grip might be... all willing me the strength to hang on and FIGHT for my life... and somewhere in my drugged and confused mind even the vague knowledge of all the friends and aquaintences who in some way, wether large or just for a moment, had heard the news and felt for my family and I... and all the fear and sorrow I felt for those I would leave behind and the ordeals that they would experience with my passing.... And most horrifying of all... that darkness I was spinning in.... swallowing me up.... afraid to let go and fall.... see if there might be more light on the other side.... afraid to stay another day... to face another moment of a waking nightmare.... and that unconcious understanding that it was my choice to make.... which way I would go... so much unfinished and undone.... so many things still to breathe for....
....all of these things I am coming to grips with... trying to absorb still... and also trying not to let the physical, mental, emotionals scars and lingering wounds keep me from moving forward...
...and in light of all of this....
On this day of thanksgiving. I refuse to give thanks to or for the twisted (and as of now manipulated and adulterated in common references) events which brought about the creation of the corrupted/corrupting heirarchey currently in place in this GREAT LANDmass which holds so many incredible human and non human lives.... but I will undoubtedly and wholeheartedly give thanks for the life which still gives a throne for this soul to sit... the lungs which still breathe and the heart which still beats... the kidneys that still cleanse my body of the toxins which poison it... the brain which survived to think another day... slowly yet steadily recovering from the damages suffered from seizing and sedating alike... for the over 400 human arms which donated the blood and plasmas that saved the only mother my son will ever have (and the body's and soul's attached to those arms :)) and for the many souls out there who wether seen or unbeknownst to me held me up when I was falling down. I am truely grateful for all for the first time on this: THANKSgiving day....
Currently reading:
The Sneetches and Other Stories
By Dr. Seuss
Release date: 1961-08-12
one final thought on falling...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
First, in my confusion, I thought that the blackness I had seen while falling from my body was reason to fear death.... that it meant that there was nothing more after this life has left us... these houses have passed away.... but now I have realized it is confirmation for me of the exact opposite... confirmation of what I had long since suspected: that our experience in death is relative to our experiences in this life.....
The darkness was there in that moment because it was not yet my time.... if I had let go and let myself fall it would have been out of cowardice... I would have died the same way that I had lived up until that moment... RUNNING blindly and in fear... terrified of feeling any pain... scared of facing tommorrow... and in doing so running right into the grip of the dark forces in life that I was trying to escape.... I believe it is the same in life as in death.... my life was not finished... my purposes not yet fully completed... to die would have been the final act of selfishness in a life so often played with little regard for any feeling outside my own bubble.... This was truely my second chance at life... and my most urgent motivation to truely live...
Category: Life
First, in my confusion, I thought that the blackness I had seen while falling from my body was reason to fear death.... that it meant that there was nothing more after this life has left us... these houses have passed away.... but now I have realized it is confirmation for me of the exact opposite... confirmation of what I had long since suspected: that our experience in death is relative to our experiences in this life.....
The darkness was there in that moment because it was not yet my time.... if I had let go and let myself fall it would have been out of cowardice... I would have died the same way that I had lived up until that moment... RUNNING blindly and in fear... terrified of feeling any pain... scared of facing tommorrow... and in doing so running right into the grip of the dark forces in life that I was trying to escape.... I believe it is the same in life as in death.... my life was not finished... my purposes not yet fully completed... to die would have been the final act of selfishness in a life so often played with little regard for any feeling outside my own bubble.... This was truely my second chance at life... and my most urgent motivation to truely live...
Thursday, November 6, 2008
wasting your vote...
Current mood: insubordinate
Category: News and Politics
Wasting Your Vote
by Mark Jeantheau, GrinningPlanet.com
A VOTE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO BE FORCED TO WASTE
Wasting Your Vote — The Voters' Choice in 2008:
Darth Vader, The Emperor, or Luke Skywalker
Election Day 2008 is coming. Perhaps you lean right and have a case of Baracknophobia, or you lean left and think McCain is insane-in-the-brain. There are indeed some differences in how the two candidates present their platforms, but underneath all the talk and sniping, whichever of these two candidates gets elected will largely continue Business As Usual in the US, merely taking slightly different paths to the same end—the further entrenchment of corporate power and further support for the rigged system by which the rich get richer during good times and let the poor pay for the elites' mistakes when their leveraged investments go south.
During the primaries, the few Democratic and Republican candidates who talked about real issues honestly—Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich, and John Edwards—were all run out of the race by their corporate-dominated parties. Ralph Nader, who ran as a third-party candidate or independent in 2000 and 2004 and is now running again in 2008, has been even more forthright about the country's most important problems, most notably the issue of corporate dominance of the federal government and corporate hegemony in American life. But Nader is beyond even being considered a long-shot for victory in November, and writing-in a candidate like Kucinich or Paul or Edwards seems like a no-impact approach. So, one really has to pick between Obama and McCain, or it's just wasting your vote, right?
Feel the Power of the Force
Hmm. Let's imagine for a moment...
Let's say we're going to vote in a galactic political contest—the 2008 Election for Supreme Ruler of the Universe. The Republican candidate is the crusty, creepy Emperor from Star Wars. The Democratic candidate is a convincing upstart named Darth Vader. In this scenario, though, the public is convinced that the Emperor and Vader are on different sides of the issues. In reality, of course, they work towards the same purpose but with different techniques. Your only other voting choice is a third-party candidate named Luke Skywalker.
Election 2008 environmental voting
The media pundits pronounce that Skywalker has no chance of winning. This strongly implies that to avoid "wasting your vote" you must vote for the Emperor or Darth Vader, right? But would it not also be a waste of your vote to give it to either of the voting for Skywalker makes a statement of protest, a small finger-poke in the chest of The Powers That Be to say "I don't like your corrupt system and I'm not gonna vote for either of your henchmen."
Back to Real Life
The Star Wars election metaphor maps rather easily to the actual 2008 election: McCain/Emperor, Obama/Vader, Nader/Skywalker. The specifics are different, of course, but the overarching themes align quite well: There are two establishment candidates (McCain and Obama) and one anti-establishment candidate (Nader). The differences between the two establishment candidates are minimal compared to the stark contrast between either of them and Nader, who asserts correctly that "the establishment" the other two men yearn to preside over is a cesspool of corruption. Without a plan for radical change—sweeping reform of campaign contributions, elimination of corporate lobbying, and a breakup of corporate media—the establishment candidates' promises of change are empty, and the differences between their platforms are minor.
Those who favor McCain will surely protest that he is a great hero, a patriot who only has this country's best interests at heart. His actions and recent rhetoric tell us that whatever patriotic feelings he has in his gut, his brain has been co-opted by the same dark forces that have steered things in such a calamitously wrong direction over the last eight years (and, to some extent, the eight years before that too, when Clinton championed disastrous policies like NAFTA, media consolidation, and repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act, which laid the foundation for the current financial crisis).
Those who favor Obama will insist that here, finally, is a candidate for real change. But Obama does not oppose corporate power, and his solutions to our energy crisis include more nuclear power plants and support for the mythological "clean coal." He should be supporting massive investment in and conversion to truly sustainable energy technologies. He should tell us the truth about our energy future—that reductions in total energy use will be required (i.e. we will have to undertake "lifestyle changes," a verboten topic in politics). But Obama is not really about true change; the best one might say is that he's merely "less bad" than McCain on some issues and will go about destroying the planet more slowly.
Category: News and Politics
Wasting Your Vote
by Mark Jeantheau, GrinningPlanet.com
A VOTE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO BE FORCED TO WASTE
Wasting Your Vote — The Voters' Choice in 2008:
Darth Vader, The Emperor, or Luke Skywalker
Election Day 2008 is coming. Perhaps you lean right and have a case of Baracknophobia, or you lean left and think McCain is insane-in-the-brain. There are indeed some differences in how the two candidates present their platforms, but underneath all the talk and sniping, whichever of these two candidates gets elected will largely continue Business As Usual in the US, merely taking slightly different paths to the same end—the further entrenchment of corporate power and further support for the rigged system by which the rich get richer during good times and let the poor pay for the elites' mistakes when their leveraged investments go south.
During the primaries, the few Democratic and Republican candidates who talked about real issues honestly—Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich, and John Edwards—were all run out of the race by their corporate-dominated parties. Ralph Nader, who ran as a third-party candidate or independent in 2000 and 2004 and is now running again in 2008, has been even more forthright about the country's most important problems, most notably the issue of corporate dominance of the federal government and corporate hegemony in American life. But Nader is beyond even being considered a long-shot for victory in November, and writing-in a candidate like Kucinich or Paul or Edwards seems like a no-impact approach. So, one really has to pick between Obama and McCain, or it's just wasting your vote, right?
Feel the Power of the Force
Hmm. Let's imagine for a moment...
Let's say we're going to vote in a galactic political contest—the 2008 Election for Supreme Ruler of the Universe. The Republican candidate is the crusty, creepy Emperor from Star Wars. The Democratic candidate is a convincing upstart named Darth Vader. In this scenario, though, the public is convinced that the Emperor and Vader are on different sides of the issues. In reality, of course, they work towards the same purpose but with different techniques. Your only other voting choice is a third-party candidate named Luke Skywalker.
Election 2008 environmental voting
The media pundits pronounce that Skywalker has no chance of winning. This strongly implies that to avoid "wasting your vote" you must vote for the Emperor or Darth Vader, right? But would it not also be a waste of your vote to give it to either of the voting for Skywalker makes a statement of protest, a small finger-poke in the chest of The Powers That Be to say "I don't like your corrupt system and I'm not gonna vote for either of your henchmen."
Back to Real Life
The Star Wars election metaphor maps rather easily to the actual 2008 election: McCain/Emperor, Obama/Vader, Nader/Skywalker. The specifics are different, of course, but the overarching themes align quite well: There are two establishment candidates (McCain and Obama) and one anti-establishment candidate (Nader). The differences between the two establishment candidates are minimal compared to the stark contrast between either of them and Nader, who asserts correctly that "the establishment" the other two men yearn to preside over is a cesspool of corruption. Without a plan for radical change—sweeping reform of campaign contributions, elimination of corporate lobbying, and a breakup of corporate media—the establishment candidates' promises of change are empty, and the differences between their platforms are minor.
Those who favor McCain will surely protest that he is a great hero, a patriot who only has this country's best interests at heart. His actions and recent rhetoric tell us that whatever patriotic feelings he has in his gut, his brain has been co-opted by the same dark forces that have steered things in such a calamitously wrong direction over the last eight years (and, to some extent, the eight years before that too, when Clinton championed disastrous policies like NAFTA, media consolidation, and repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act, which laid the foundation for the current financial crisis).
Those who favor Obama will insist that here, finally, is a candidate for real change. But Obama does not oppose corporate power, and his solutions to our energy crisis include more nuclear power plants and support for the mythological "clean coal." He should be supporting massive investment in and conversion to truly sustainable energy technologies. He should tell us the truth about our energy future—that reductions in total energy use will be required (i.e. we will have to undertake "lifestyle changes," a verboten topic in politics). But Obama is not really about true change; the best one might say is that he's merely "less bad" than McCain on some issues and will go about destroying the planet more slowly.
yeah thats right... I voted Nader.
Current mood: impervious
Howdy folks... just a quickie today... Just wanted to say Hi to everyone. My recovery is still moving right along... Protein spillage counts are still dropping. I am almost off the prednisone, which has kinda sucked to wean from... All sorts of fun aches and pains come along with depriving your body of steroids after it has become used to them. I feel like I'm 80 years old with bad arthritis some days! But this too shall pass so, its all good! My face is starting to look a tiny bit like ME again, and the swelling in my feet and ankles is going down too.... I am completely off all the mood altering shit they had me on... Dealing with some necessary attitude adjustments from that, but again... taking it one day at a time! I went to see a Lawyer today... he seemed like a decent fellow, but not the ball of fire that I was hoping for... If anyone out there knows a real hotshot kinda lawyer who does personal injury cases please let me know!
hmmmmm what else has happened since last post.... Halloweenie.... um Lemon and I dressed as Gorgons... me as Medusa and him as my adorable little spawn ;) I made both our costumes...needle felted 30 or so snakes to twist in amongst my dreads and made him a hat with needle felted snakes all over it. We both dresses in all green and green makeup and such...
The afternoon and evening were one of those times where NOTHING goes as planned and thus I didn't get any pictures, but have no fear (lol) I still have our awesome costumes and I shall be putting us back in them at some point soon to take some photos, which I will then post promptly for your viewing pleasure.... In other news I am trying to get a storefront up online with all of my random creations for sale... I'll post a link and all that good stuff once it is done.... I'm hoping to start going back to a pool every day again next week after about a month hiatus... it seemed like it was helping alot and if nothing else was giving me an hour or two everyday to collect my thoughts and gain a bit of my vanishing sanity! So hopefully that will happen.... I guess thats about it... on to that most dreaded of subjects..... POLITICS
So yeah, YES I voted for Nader/Gonzalez... Why? Because it was the ONLY choice I could feel okay about... well not the only, it was a toss up between him and Cynthia Mckinney the Green Party's candidate... Sorry but I think the two party system is a bunch of bullshit and I think voting for the lesser of two evil bastards is ridiculous... If I am going to bother participating in the game of "election day" than I am going to vote for someone who truely speaks of a "CHANGE" I can believe in... not some bullshit flashy rhetoric and catch phrases.... and just cause someone can raise his voice in a psuedo passionate way in all the right places in his speeches does not make him my saviour, or the next MLK, or any of the other foolish things I've heard Rabid Obama fans spouting... Yeah McCain may have been slightly more evil... but Obama's voting record speaks for itself... he is just as easily bought as all the rest! The "changes" he mentions when he is actually getting specific (which is rarely) are hardly the radical ideas that are needed to truely change this country... I don't care how much he uses the word "change"...I'll believe it when I SEE IT. Believe me, I hope that I'll have to eat those words some day... but I'm not gonna hold my breath on it.... Yah know what would be a good first step he could take to prove he is so much different than all the other snakes in washington? If his first official act as President was to indict those scum sucking POS's (Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Petreus...ETC... etc... etc) on all of the crimes against America and against ALL OF HUMANITY that they've been commiting for the past 8 years.... but I'm pretty sure that won't happen....I'm pretty sure his first act will be to join in which ever of those currently active crimes is the most profitable for him and his..... Am I cynical? no.... just realistic, outspoken, and informed... Its a shame more Americans aren't... maybe if they were there'd be something behind all the "FREEDOM" speak.....
Currently watching:
Zeitgeist, The Movie
Howdy folks... just a quickie today... Just wanted to say Hi to everyone. My recovery is still moving right along... Protein spillage counts are still dropping. I am almost off the prednisone, which has kinda sucked to wean from... All sorts of fun aches and pains come along with depriving your body of steroids after it has become used to them. I feel like I'm 80 years old with bad arthritis some days! But this too shall pass so, its all good! My face is starting to look a tiny bit like ME again, and the swelling in my feet and ankles is going down too.... I am completely off all the mood altering shit they had me on... Dealing with some necessary attitude adjustments from that, but again... taking it one day at a time! I went to see a Lawyer today... he seemed like a decent fellow, but not the ball of fire that I was hoping for... If anyone out there knows a real hotshot kinda lawyer who does personal injury cases please let me know!
hmmmmm what else has happened since last post.... Halloweenie.... um Lemon and I dressed as Gorgons... me as Medusa and him as my adorable little spawn ;) I made both our costumes...needle felted 30 or so snakes to twist in amongst my dreads and made him a hat with needle felted snakes all over it. We both dresses in all green and green makeup and such...
The afternoon and evening were one of those times where NOTHING goes as planned and thus I didn't get any pictures, but have no fear (lol) I still have our awesome costumes and I shall be putting us back in them at some point soon to take some photos, which I will then post promptly for your viewing pleasure.... In other news I am trying to get a storefront up online with all of my random creations for sale... I'll post a link and all that good stuff once it is done.... I'm hoping to start going back to a pool every day again next week after about a month hiatus... it seemed like it was helping alot and if nothing else was giving me an hour or two everyday to collect my thoughts and gain a bit of my vanishing sanity! So hopefully that will happen.... I guess thats about it... on to that most dreaded of subjects..... POLITICS
So yeah, YES I voted for Nader/Gonzalez... Why? Because it was the ONLY choice I could feel okay about... well not the only, it was a toss up between him and Cynthia Mckinney the Green Party's candidate... Sorry but I think the two party system is a bunch of bullshit and I think voting for the lesser of two evil bastards is ridiculous... If I am going to bother participating in the game of "election day" than I am going to vote for someone who truely speaks of a "CHANGE" I can believe in... not some bullshit flashy rhetoric and catch phrases.... and just cause someone can raise his voice in a psuedo passionate way in all the right places in his speeches does not make him my saviour, or the next MLK, or any of the other foolish things I've heard Rabid Obama fans spouting... Yeah McCain may have been slightly more evil... but Obama's voting record speaks for itself... he is just as easily bought as all the rest! The "changes" he mentions when he is actually getting specific (which is rarely) are hardly the radical ideas that are needed to truely change this country... I don't care how much he uses the word "change"...I'll believe it when I SEE IT. Believe me, I hope that I'll have to eat those words some day... but I'm not gonna hold my breath on it.... Yah know what would be a good first step he could take to prove he is so much different than all the other snakes in washington? If his first official act as President was to indict those scum sucking POS's (Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Petreus...ETC... etc... etc) on all of the crimes against America and against ALL OF HUMANITY that they've been commiting for the past 8 years.... but I'm pretty sure that won't happen....I'm pretty sure his first act will be to join in which ever of those currently active crimes is the most profitable for him and his..... Am I cynical? no.... just realistic, outspoken, and informed... Its a shame more Americans aren't... maybe if they were there'd be something behind all the "FREEDOM" speak.....
Currently watching:
Zeitgeist, The Movie
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Biopsy Results and such
Current mood:doing the "NO MORE PREDNISONE" jig!
Hello Hello,
I went to my Kidney Doc yesterday afternoon to get the results of my biopsy.... GOOD NEWS :) There is no apparent permanent damage to the filters of my kidneys... which was a concern since kidney filters are necessary and are unable to repair themselves once damaged... SO THAT IS AWESOME! In fact, as far as they can see there should be noo permanent damage at all! The tiny little capillaries (blood vessels) were damaged by the HUS/TTP and that is likely why I am still spilling so much protein, but my doc says he fully expects them to heal over time... The other good news, HE IS TAKING ME OFF THE PREDNISONE!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I nearly had to jump up and do a jig when he said that.... Granted I will be on it for another 5 or 6 weeks as it gets tapered off but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel, plus I should start seeing less side effects since the dosage will be HALF what I was on within a week (he cut it by quarter at present so 30mg instead of 40mg) Next week I will go to 20mg.... I can't wait for the effects of this shit to stop!! WOOHOO! No more fat face and a half, no more wierd hair growth, no more violent mood swings and hard to control temper... plus I can stop worrying about bone loss and all the less obvious effects this junk has.... ANYWHO.... My problems are far from over... protein leakage is still quite high, but he doesn't think the prednisone is going to do anymore than it has already done.. at this point he said its just a waiting game... he expects that at some point my body will "flip a switch" and my kidneys will take back over and do what they should be doing with all that protein. He did add on one medication but it is a pretty minor one... no bad side effects and stuff, he thinks it might help with the protien a little bit so well see...................but mostly we are counting on my body to fix itself.....SO that sounds good to me... Ive gotta go back to my naturapath soon... between that and the acupuncture and chiropractic I have high hopes that they will be able to help my body heal itself and I will have no lasting damage to any vital organs! HOORAY :)
Thats pretty much all I have to report for now... Things are okay on the homefront... I feel like I took a little step back the past couple weeks, between the biopsy and having to take it easy for a weekish, not being able to go to the pool, and my diet not being the best cause I haven't felt up to cooking healthy food.... BUT I'm getting back on the wagon now and trying to make up for the energy I lost... One of my bestest friends who lives practically in another country is in town so I'm pretty dang happy about that, and another of my bestest friends is coming for a visit this weekend and we are having a bonfire and stuff with the kiddies and her family (who are all really cool too) so I am really looking forward to this weekend, should be a great time, and I haven't been to a good old fashion bonfire in over a year (I LOVE CAMPFIRES!) YAY! ummmm....letsee... whatelse... My dad bought Lennon this ride-on Lightening McQueen Car thing that makes all sorts of noises and flashing lights and stuff and he LOVES it and so that has become the constant soundtrrack to my life the past couple days.... *sigh* at least its keeping him out of trouble I guess but goodloood I will be happy when the batterys die on that thing..... Just a word to anyone intending on getting Lennon something for his 2nd birthday coming in November... PLEASE PLEASE, NO MORE PLASTIC NOISEMAKING TOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol! But seriously... good old fashion wooden style toys.... metal toys (play pots and pans and such)... books.... clothes... etc..... I am planning his party as we speak so watch your mailboxes for invites, especially those of you with lil ones.... hmm yeah... thats all for now I guess, Thanks to everyone who's been anxiously awaiting my biopsy results with me and thanks for all the well wishes... I have so many awesome people in my life sometimes I can't believe my luck... You all rock argyle socks :)
MUCH MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!
Kalee and Lennon
Currently watching:
Meet the Robinsons
Release date: 2007-10-23
Hello Hello,
I went to my Kidney Doc yesterday afternoon to get the results of my biopsy.... GOOD NEWS :) There is no apparent permanent damage to the filters of my kidneys... which was a concern since kidney filters are necessary and are unable to repair themselves once damaged... SO THAT IS AWESOME! In fact, as far as they can see there should be noo permanent damage at all! The tiny little capillaries (blood vessels) were damaged by the HUS/TTP and that is likely why I am still spilling so much protein, but my doc says he fully expects them to heal over time... The other good news, HE IS TAKING ME OFF THE PREDNISONE!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I nearly had to jump up and do a jig when he said that.... Granted I will be on it for another 5 or 6 weeks as it gets tapered off but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel, plus I should start seeing less side effects since the dosage will be HALF what I was on within a week (he cut it by quarter at present so 30mg instead of 40mg) Next week I will go to 20mg.... I can't wait for the effects of this shit to stop!! WOOHOO! No more fat face and a half, no more wierd hair growth, no more violent mood swings and hard to control temper... plus I can stop worrying about bone loss and all the less obvious effects this junk has.... ANYWHO.... My problems are far from over... protein leakage is still quite high, but he doesn't think the prednisone is going to do anymore than it has already done.. at this point he said its just a waiting game... he expects that at some point my body will "flip a switch" and my kidneys will take back over and do what they should be doing with all that protein. He did add on one medication but it is a pretty minor one... no bad side effects and stuff, he thinks it might help with the protien a little bit so well see...................but mostly we are counting on my body to fix itself.....SO that sounds good to me... Ive gotta go back to my naturapath soon... between that and the acupuncture and chiropractic I have high hopes that they will be able to help my body heal itself and I will have no lasting damage to any vital organs! HOORAY :)
Thats pretty much all I have to report for now... Things are okay on the homefront... I feel like I took a little step back the past couple weeks, between the biopsy and having to take it easy for a weekish, not being able to go to the pool, and my diet not being the best cause I haven't felt up to cooking healthy food.... BUT I'm getting back on the wagon now and trying to make up for the energy I lost... One of my bestest friends who lives practically in another country is in town so I'm pretty dang happy about that, and another of my bestest friends is coming for a visit this weekend and we are having a bonfire and stuff with the kiddies and her family (who are all really cool too) so I am really looking forward to this weekend, should be a great time, and I haven't been to a good old fashion bonfire in over a year (I LOVE CAMPFIRES!) YAY! ummmm....letsee... whatelse... My dad bought Lennon this ride-on Lightening McQueen Car thing that makes all sorts of noises and flashing lights and stuff and he LOVES it and so that has become the constant soundtrrack to my life the past couple days.... *sigh* at least its keeping him out of trouble I guess but goodloood I will be happy when the batterys die on that thing..... Just a word to anyone intending on getting Lennon something for his 2nd birthday coming in November... PLEASE PLEASE, NO MORE PLASTIC NOISEMAKING TOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol! But seriously... good old fashion wooden style toys.... metal toys (play pots and pans and such)... books.... clothes... etc..... I am planning his party as we speak so watch your mailboxes for invites, especially those of you with lil ones.... hmm yeah... thats all for now I guess, Thanks to everyone who's been anxiously awaiting my biopsy results with me and thanks for all the well wishes... I have so many awesome people in my life sometimes I can't believe my luck... You all rock argyle socks :)
MUCH MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!
Kalee and Lennon
Currently watching:
Meet the Robinsons
Release date: 2007-10-23
Saturday, September 27, 2008
RIP Christine Prue...
Current mood: sad
this is my cousin... I wish I had gotten to know her better... :( RIP Christine, I am sure you are in a better place now and able to be with your mom and sister... God bless you and your family...
Woman, 24, Dies In East Haddam Crash
POSTED: 9:10 am EDT September 27,2008
....
..
..EAST HADDAM, Conn. -- A 24-year-old driver is dead after a one-car crash Saturday morning.Police said Christine Prue was driving on Route 149 near Elie Chapman Road when she veered off the road and struck a tree head-on. Prue was taken to Hartford Hospital, where she was pronounced dead.........
The cause of the crash is under investigation.
Currently listening:
Tears in Heaven
By Eric Clapton
Release date: 1998-06-30
this is my cousin... I wish I had gotten to know her better... :( RIP Christine, I am sure you are in a better place now and able to be with your mom and sister... God bless you and your family...
Woman, 24, Dies In East Haddam Crash
POSTED: 9:10 am EDT September 27,2008
....
..
..EAST HADDAM, Conn. -- A 24-year-old driver is dead after a one-car crash Saturday morning.Police said Christine Prue was driving on Route 149 near Elie Chapman Road when she veered off the road and struck a tree head-on. Prue was taken to Hartford Hospital, where she was pronounced dead.........
The cause of the crash is under investigation.
Currently listening:
Tears in Heaven
By Eric Clapton
Release date: 1998-06-30
Monday, September 22, 2008
seven holes later
Current mood: uncomfortable
The biopsy is all done... They had a bit of a difficult time getting a good sample and had to punch about 7 holes in my kidney, it was a bit more pain and discomfort than I'd have liked but I survived and its all over now... I'm on perccsets for the pain... when they started to wear off I definetly started to feel like I was punched very hard in the back... especially when I breathe in deep. But with the Percs I feel okay... and actually pretty relaxed and loopy LOL :) I'm watching a pretty cool movie right now, just wanted to post quick and let everyone know everything went okay and I'm doing just fine... Thank you all for your prayers and best wishes!!!!! Now I just have to wait a week to find out the results of the biopsy and see what willbe done to fix my issues as quick as possible.... hopefully its best case senario and after a half dozen more weeks on steriods I'll be all better and can wean off them and go back to living a normal life with a normal sized head (lol, anyone who's seen me will get this right away ;)) anywho... I will post more later... this movie I'm watching is one of them there thought provoking ones so don't be surprised if I post one of THOSE philosophical ramblings I'm famous for within 24 hours or so... ;)
Have a nice night all,
MUCH LOVE
Kalee
Currently watching:
Waking Life (Widescreen)
Release date: 2003-04-15
The biopsy is all done... They had a bit of a difficult time getting a good sample and had to punch about 7 holes in my kidney, it was a bit more pain and discomfort than I'd have liked but I survived and its all over now... I'm on perccsets for the pain... when they started to wear off I definetly started to feel like I was punched very hard in the back... especially when I breathe in deep. But with the Percs I feel okay... and actually pretty relaxed and loopy LOL :) I'm watching a pretty cool movie right now, just wanted to post quick and let everyone know everything went okay and I'm doing just fine... Thank you all for your prayers and best wishes!!!!! Now I just have to wait a week to find out the results of the biopsy and see what willbe done to fix my issues as quick as possible.... hopefully its best case senario and after a half dozen more weeks on steriods I'll be all better and can wean off them and go back to living a normal life with a normal sized head (lol, anyone who's seen me will get this right away ;)) anywho... I will post more later... this movie I'm watching is one of them there thought provoking ones so don't be surprised if I post one of THOSE philosophical ramblings I'm famous for within 24 hours or so... ;)
Have a nice night all,
MUCH LOVE
Kalee
Currently watching:
Waking Life (Widescreen)
Release date: 2003-04-15
prayers
Current mood: scared
Hello friends,
I'm at the hospital right now, going in for my biopsy in about 15 minutes... I'm pretty nervous about it.... any extra prayers and positive thoughts are most appreciated right now... I will be sure and post letting everyone know once I'm out and if everything went smoothly.....
Love you all,
Kalee
Hello friends,
I'm at the hospital right now, going in for my biopsy in about 15 minutes... I'm pretty nervous about it.... any extra prayers and positive thoughts are most appreciated right now... I will be sure and post letting everyone know once I'm out and if everything went smoothly.....
Love you all,
Kalee
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Rebound
Current mood: animated
This pixar cartoon "boundin" is my theme song at the moment... thought I'd share, its super dee duper cute, I have the video posted on my profile if you want to see for yourself :) Here is the lyrics...
Here's a story on how strange is life with its changes
And it happened not long ago.
On a high mountain plain, where the sagebrush arranges
A playground south of the snow
Lived a lamb with a coat of remarkable sheen,
It would glint in the sunlight all sparkly and clean,
Such a source of great pride
that it caused him to preen.
And he'd break out in high stepp'n dance.
He would dance for his neighbors across the way.
I must say that they found his dancin' enhancin',
For they'd also join in the play.
Then one day…
Then a-boundin up the slope
Came a great American jackalope.
This sage of the sage, this rare hare of hope,
Caused to pause and check out the lamb.
"Hey kid, why the mope?"
"I used to be something all covered with fluff,
And I'd dance in the sunlight and show off my stuff,
Then they hauled me away in a manner quite rough
And sheared me and dropped me back here in the buff.
And if that's not enough
Now my friends all laugh at me
Cause they think I look ridiculous, funny, and pink."
"Pink? Pink? Well, what's wrong with pink?
Seems you've got a pink kink in your think.
Does it matter what color? Well, that gets nope.
Be it pink purple or heliotrope.
Now sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down,
When you find that you're down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you're complete!
"Now as for the dancin', you can do more,
You can reach great heights, in fact you can soar.
You just get a leg up and ya slap it on down,
And you'll find you're up in what's called a bound.
Bound, bound, and rebound.
Bound and you're up right next to the sky,
And I think you can do it if you give it a try,
First get a leg up, slap it on down…"
So every year, along about May,
They'd load him up and they'd haul him away,
And they'd shave him and dump him all naked and bare.
He learned to live with it, he didn't care,
He'd just bound, bound, bound, and rebound.
Now in this world of ups and downs…
So nice to know there are jackalopes around.
Currently watching:
Pixar Short Films Collection, Vol. 1
Release date: 2007-11-06
This pixar cartoon "boundin" is my theme song at the moment... thought I'd share, its super dee duper cute, I have the video posted on my profile if you want to see for yourself :) Here is the lyrics...
Here's a story on how strange is life with its changes
And it happened not long ago.
On a high mountain plain, where the sagebrush arranges
A playground south of the snow
Lived a lamb with a coat of remarkable sheen,
It would glint in the sunlight all sparkly and clean,
Such a source of great pride
that it caused him to preen.
And he'd break out in high stepp'n dance.
He would dance for his neighbors across the way.
I must say that they found his dancin' enhancin',
For they'd also join in the play.
Then one day…
Then a-boundin up the slope
Came a great American jackalope.
This sage of the sage, this rare hare of hope,
Caused to pause and check out the lamb.
"Hey kid, why the mope?"
"I used to be something all covered with fluff,
And I'd dance in the sunlight and show off my stuff,
Then they hauled me away in a manner quite rough
And sheared me and dropped me back here in the buff.
And if that's not enough
Now my friends all laugh at me
Cause they think I look ridiculous, funny, and pink."
"Pink? Pink? Well, what's wrong with pink?
Seems you've got a pink kink in your think.
Does it matter what color? Well, that gets nope.
Be it pink purple or heliotrope.
Now sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down,
When you find that you're down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you're complete!
"Now as for the dancin', you can do more,
You can reach great heights, in fact you can soar.
You just get a leg up and ya slap it on down,
And you'll find you're up in what's called a bound.
Bound, bound, and rebound.
Bound and you're up right next to the sky,
And I think you can do it if you give it a try,
First get a leg up, slap it on down…"
So every year, along about May,
They'd load him up and they'd haul him away,
And they'd shave him and dump him all naked and bare.
He learned to live with it, he didn't care,
He'd just bound, bound, bound, and rebound.
Now in this world of ups and downs…
So nice to know there are jackalopes around.
Currently watching:
Pixar Short Films Collection, Vol. 1
Release date: 2007-11-06
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday
Current mood: bummed
Biopsy will be this coming Monday the 22nd instead.... :( damn... I was hoping to put it off for a few more weeks.... oh well.
Biopsy will be this coming Monday the 22nd instead.... :( damn... I was hoping to put it off for a few more weeks.... oh well.
change in plans
Current mood: hopeful
My biopsy is being rescheduled.... not sure when it will be now, possibly next week or the week after instead... My parents are going to be at a show this weekend and I didn't want to take the chance of any possible complications laying me up while I'm by myself for the weekend.... especially since I'm already having a hard enough time keeping up with Lennon these days.... soooo.... no biopsy at the moment, I'll keep you all updated when I find out when its going to be... I'm also kinda hoping that putting it off a couple more weeks it might end up being that I won't have to do it.... the protein issue continues to drop steadily by the week (9 grams at last count... down from 18 grams when I left the hospital a month ago...) so if in a couple more weeks it is still dropping maybe they won't even want to do it anymore.... we'll see.... anywho I'm off to my favorite grocery store (Trader Joe's :)) and then to my naturopath for my second dose of my homeopathic treatment... have a fine and fantastic day everyone :)
much love,
Kalee
My biopsy is being rescheduled.... not sure when it will be now, possibly next week or the week after instead... My parents are going to be at a show this weekend and I didn't want to take the chance of any possible complications laying me up while I'm by myself for the weekend.... especially since I'm already having a hard enough time keeping up with Lennon these days.... soooo.... no biopsy at the moment, I'll keep you all updated when I find out when its going to be... I'm also kinda hoping that putting it off a couple more weeks it might end up being that I won't have to do it.... the protein issue continues to drop steadily by the week (9 grams at last count... down from 18 grams when I left the hospital a month ago...) so if in a couple more weeks it is still dropping maybe they won't even want to do it anymore.... we'll see.... anywho I'm off to my favorite grocery store (Trader Joe's :)) and then to my naturopath for my second dose of my homeopathic treatment... have a fine and fantastic day everyone :)
much love,
Kalee
Sunday, September 14, 2008
biopsy...
My doctor scheduled me to have a biopsy since there is still too much protein spillage...... biopsy will be on Wednesday at 2:00... I'll have to stay in the hospital overnight since you have to stay flat on your back 12-24 hours afterwards to minimize bleeding... I was just looking up how the procedure is done and stuff.... sounds pleasant....
How It Is Done
A kidney biopsy is done by a urologist, nephrologist, or a radiologist in a clinic or a hospital. A kidney biopsy is often done by a radiologist using ultrasound, fluoroscopy, a CT scan, or magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to help guide the biopsy needle.
You will need to take off all or most of your clothes. You will wear a gown. Before the biopsy, you may be given a sedative through an intravenous (IV) line in a vein in your arm. The sedative will help you relax and lie still during the biopsy.
You will be asked to lie facedown on an examination table. A sandbag, a firm pillow, or a rolled towel will be placed under your body to support your belly. It is very important that you follow your doctor's directions about breathing, holding your breath, and lying still while the biopsy is being done.
Your doctor will examine your back and may mark the biopsy site by making a slight dent in your skin with a pencil or tool. The biopsy may be done on either the right or the left kidney. The site will be cleaned with a special soap. Your doctor then gives you local anesthetic to numb the area where the biopsy needle will be inserted.
Your doctor puts the biopsy needle through the skin while looking at your kidney with ultrasound. You will be asked to hold your breath and stay very still while the needle is put into the kidney.
The needle is removed after the tissue sample is taken. Pressure is put on the biopsy site for several minutes to stop the bleeding. Then a bandage is put on the site. The biopsy takes 15 to 30 minutes.
After the biopsy, you will rest in bed for 6 to 24 hours. Your pulse, blood pressure, and temperature will be checked often after the biopsy.
If no problems develop, you can go home. To prevent bleeding at the biopsy site, lie flat on your back for the next 12 to 24 hours. You may eat your normal diet. Do not take aspirin or anti-inflammatory medicines for a week after the biopsy. You may do your regular activities, but do not do strenuous activities, such as heavy lifting, hard running, motorcycle riding, contact sports, or other activities that might jar or jolt your kidney, for 2 weeks after the biopsy. Also, drink more fluids so you will not be dehydrated.
How It Feels
You may feel a brief sting or pinch when the numbing medicine is put in. When the biopsy needle is put in, you may feel a sharp pain for a few seconds.
It is normal to feel some muscle soreness in the area of the biopsy for 2 to 3 days after the biopsy. You may have a small amount of bleeding on the bandage after the biopsy. Talk to your doctor about how much pain and bleeding you can expect. Many people will have bright red blood in their urine for the first 24 hours after the biopsy; this is expected.
anywho.... not looking forward to this but at this point I don't have too many options... the alternative is for them to up my steroids dosage for 12 weeks and I do NOT want to do that... I can't stand the side effects of the amount they already have me on nevermind MORE! The dieuretic they have me on seems to not be working so well as time passes too so I'm starting to retain more fluid again in my feet and face and ankles... Not the most comfortable thing, lemme tell yah.... I can't wait to be off all these meds... when that day comes, I will be a HAPPY HAPPY GIRL! so lets see what this biopsy says.... maybe it'll be good news and I can get off this shit SOON! thats all for now...
How It Is Done
A kidney biopsy is done by a urologist, nephrologist, or a radiologist in a clinic or a hospital. A kidney biopsy is often done by a radiologist using ultrasound, fluoroscopy, a CT scan, or magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to help guide the biopsy needle.
You will need to take off all or most of your clothes. You will wear a gown. Before the biopsy, you may be given a sedative through an intravenous (IV) line in a vein in your arm. The sedative will help you relax and lie still during the biopsy.
You will be asked to lie facedown on an examination table. A sandbag, a firm pillow, or a rolled towel will be placed under your body to support your belly. It is very important that you follow your doctor's directions about breathing, holding your breath, and lying still while the biopsy is being done.
Your doctor will examine your back and may mark the biopsy site by making a slight dent in your skin with a pencil or tool. The biopsy may be done on either the right or the left kidney. The site will be cleaned with a special soap. Your doctor then gives you local anesthetic to numb the area where the biopsy needle will be inserted.
Your doctor puts the biopsy needle through the skin while looking at your kidney with ultrasound. You will be asked to hold your breath and stay very still while the needle is put into the kidney.
The needle is removed after the tissue sample is taken. Pressure is put on the biopsy site for several minutes to stop the bleeding. Then a bandage is put on the site. The biopsy takes 15 to 30 minutes.
After the biopsy, you will rest in bed for 6 to 24 hours. Your pulse, blood pressure, and temperature will be checked often after the biopsy.
If no problems develop, you can go home. To prevent bleeding at the biopsy site, lie flat on your back for the next 12 to 24 hours. You may eat your normal diet. Do not take aspirin or anti-inflammatory medicines for a week after the biopsy. You may do your regular activities, but do not do strenuous activities, such as heavy lifting, hard running, motorcycle riding, contact sports, or other activities that might jar or jolt your kidney, for 2 weeks after the biopsy. Also, drink more fluids so you will not be dehydrated.
How It Feels
You may feel a brief sting or pinch when the numbing medicine is put in. When the biopsy needle is put in, you may feel a sharp pain for a few seconds.
It is normal to feel some muscle soreness in the area of the biopsy for 2 to 3 days after the biopsy. You may have a small amount of bleeding on the bandage after the biopsy. Talk to your doctor about how much pain and bleeding you can expect. Many people will have bright red blood in their urine for the first 24 hours after the biopsy; this is expected.
anywho.... not looking forward to this but at this point I don't have too many options... the alternative is for them to up my steroids dosage for 12 weeks and I do NOT want to do that... I can't stand the side effects of the amount they already have me on nevermind MORE! The dieuretic they have me on seems to not be working so well as time passes too so I'm starting to retain more fluid again in my feet and face and ankles... Not the most comfortable thing, lemme tell yah.... I can't wait to be off all these meds... when that day comes, I will be a HAPPY HAPPY GIRL! so lets see what this biopsy says.... maybe it'll be good news and I can get off this shit SOON! thats all for now...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
TERROR
Current mood: intense
SO I was lying awake last night... 4 AM... after waking up and getting caught by my thoughts.... This has been a constant since two weeks ago when I quit my Trazadone that I had been taking since the hospital for sleep/nightmare control..... and it came to me why I feel so changed now....
I've been trying to put my finger on this feeling... this physical and simultaneously emotional sensation that I can conjure up at will now... I'd never felt it before.... not fully.... its a feeling that one cannot explain to anyone else... it is completely beyond description.... and I finally figured out what that feeling is.... and in the context of my life so many puzzle pieces finally clicked together....
TERROR.
absolute and sheer terror.... (I know it's an ironic subject to post about today of all days...)
I'd never felt it before.... and I honestly don't think that many people have... unless you've come so close to death that you could FEEL it... taste it... smell and touch it.... you may have an idea of what it feels life.... but you likely can't even begin to know it's full potential.....it's the most horrible feeling ever...
I'm not implying now that DEATH in itself is bad.... in theory I understand that it is a part of life.. that it is inevitable... that it is part of the greater cycle.. plan... circle, call it what you will.... but for me, it has made me realize how absolutely terrified I AM of it.... I thought that I had made some sort of peace with it... I thought that I had accepted it.... I thought that with all of my spiritual searching that I had reached some level of understanding of Death... this summer has made me realize that its all BS.... I've been deluding myself.... all I've done is the same as everyone else... pretended that it is irrelevant and non existent and all the while have let it control every aspect of my life....
Its amazing how much humanity is controled by something so simple as the fear of death.... our entire society is built around it.... every culture in the human world...
can we even imagine what life on this planet would be like if we stopped fearing death?
I can't... I only know my own horror at facing it is so intense that the mere thought can choke me now... it wraps around my throat... my entire body.... it interrupts the rhythm of my heart beat.... wakes me from deep sleep... makes the room shake around me... the contents of my stomach rise to my throat..... makes me feel absolute disgust at the sensation of my own fingers upon my flesh...
I am terrified of disappearing.... terrified of the unknown.... terrified of being another irrelevant human animal come and gone in a moment of time..... and I don't know how I'll ever be able to really live unless I can overcome this.... I guess the first step is that I've realized how much power it has over me... I don't know what else to say but..
I don't want to DIE..... I don't want to die.... I don't wanna die.
SO I was lying awake last night... 4 AM... after waking up and getting caught by my thoughts.... This has been a constant since two weeks ago when I quit my Trazadone that I had been taking since the hospital for sleep/nightmare control..... and it came to me why I feel so changed now....
I've been trying to put my finger on this feeling... this physical and simultaneously emotional sensation that I can conjure up at will now... I'd never felt it before.... not fully.... its a feeling that one cannot explain to anyone else... it is completely beyond description.... and I finally figured out what that feeling is.... and in the context of my life so many puzzle pieces finally clicked together....
TERROR.
absolute and sheer terror.... (I know it's an ironic subject to post about today of all days...)
I'd never felt it before.... and I honestly don't think that many people have... unless you've come so close to death that you could FEEL it... taste it... smell and touch it.... you may have an idea of what it feels life.... but you likely can't even begin to know it's full potential.....it's the most horrible feeling ever...
I'm not implying now that DEATH in itself is bad.... in theory I understand that it is a part of life.. that it is inevitable... that it is part of the greater cycle.. plan... circle, call it what you will.... but for me, it has made me realize how absolutely terrified I AM of it.... I thought that I had made some sort of peace with it... I thought that I had accepted it.... I thought that with all of my spiritual searching that I had reached some level of understanding of Death... this summer has made me realize that its all BS.... I've been deluding myself.... all I've done is the same as everyone else... pretended that it is irrelevant and non existent and all the while have let it control every aspect of my life....
Its amazing how much humanity is controled by something so simple as the fear of death.... our entire society is built around it.... every culture in the human world...
can we even imagine what life on this planet would be like if we stopped fearing death?
I can't... I only know my own horror at facing it is so intense that the mere thought can choke me now... it wraps around my throat... my entire body.... it interrupts the rhythm of my heart beat.... wakes me from deep sleep... makes the room shake around me... the contents of my stomach rise to my throat..... makes me feel absolute disgust at the sensation of my own fingers upon my flesh...
I am terrified of disappearing.... terrified of the unknown.... terrified of being another irrelevant human animal come and gone in a moment of time..... and I don't know how I'll ever be able to really live unless I can overcome this.... I guess the first step is that I've realized how much power it has over me... I don't know what else to say but..
I don't want to DIE..... I don't want to die.... I don't wanna die.
Lying...
Current mood: froggy
Lying to Oneself
In this life of so many doors
I don't know which scares me more...
to hear a yes... to hear a no?
or choosing between which ways to go..
Motivationally challenged OCD
self imposed enclosed birdcage
Yearns to be free
Good and Honest to a fault
but robbing convenience stores
has become my art
Will this change? Who can tell...
how much of me is Heaven,
how much is hell?
Ripping and tearing at bones till their bare
The insinuations obvious..
The metaphor's all there...
I look in this mirror and all I can see...
Is that I don't know you,
but worse: I don't know ME.
Currently watching:
The Neverending Story (Widescreen)
Release date: 2001-09-04
Lying to Oneself
In this life of so many doors
I don't know which scares me more...
to hear a yes... to hear a no?
or choosing between which ways to go..
Motivationally challenged OCD
self imposed enclosed birdcage
Yearns to be free
Good and Honest to a fault
but robbing convenience stores
has become my art
Will this change? Who can tell...
how much of me is Heaven,
how much is hell?
Ripping and tearing at bones till their bare
The insinuations obvious..
The metaphor's all there...
I look in this mirror and all I can see...
Is that I don't know you,
but worse: I don't know ME.
Currently watching:
The Neverending Story (Widescreen)
Release date: 2001-09-04
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
SHitty day...
Current mood: aggravated
SO this morning I took my parents van to my aqua aerobics class... after the class I came out to a fun surprise. SOmeone smashed the passenger window and took my pocketbook.... which had all of about 15 dollars and some debit cards for EMPTY, CLOSED, and overdrawn bank accounts.... and my mother's cell and mine too..... Besides that they got my liscence, Social security card, appoinment book and some Dr's info..... and a whole stack of my business cards.... it makes me feel a bit better that they got nothing much of value... asshole... BUT, they also got several things that are irreplaceable and of lots of sentimental value to me, including a wallet my mom had given to me that I LOVED, and have had forever... and worst of all.... a book of poems and letters to Lennon that I had been writing to him since I first found out I was pregnant with him..... :( I spent 2 hours poking through bushes and dumpsters in the area in a TORRENTAL downpour trying to see if I could find my bag... hoping maybe when they realized they stole something of NO VALUE that maybe they just tossed it somewhere.... found nothing ..... Plus I had all sorts of shit to do today that got messed up.... was supposed to go for blood tests, acupuncture, etc...... Then I come home to Lennon being more cranky and crazy then I've EVER seen him.... throwing all sorts of tantrums.. and then to find a couple of not so friendly messages and comments here of people complaining that I exposed their children to C-DIFF or some shit... FYI, I didn't have it again... they put me back on antibiotics just in case, but it was (and is) just all the medications I am on that are causeing all the stomach problems... and even if I HAD had it, its not like I would have been doing anything at a birthday party that was going to put anyone else at ANY RISK... so chill.
What a fucking crappy day.
SO this morning I took my parents van to my aqua aerobics class... after the class I came out to a fun surprise. SOmeone smashed the passenger window and took my pocketbook.... which had all of about 15 dollars and some debit cards for EMPTY, CLOSED, and overdrawn bank accounts.... and my mother's cell and mine too..... Besides that they got my liscence, Social security card, appoinment book and some Dr's info..... and a whole stack of my business cards.... it makes me feel a bit better that they got nothing much of value... asshole... BUT, they also got several things that are irreplaceable and of lots of sentimental value to me, including a wallet my mom had given to me that I LOVED, and have had forever... and worst of all.... a book of poems and letters to Lennon that I had been writing to him since I first found out I was pregnant with him..... :( I spent 2 hours poking through bushes and dumpsters in the area in a TORRENTAL downpour trying to see if I could find my bag... hoping maybe when they realized they stole something of NO VALUE that maybe they just tossed it somewhere.... found nothing ..... Plus I had all sorts of shit to do today that got messed up.... was supposed to go for blood tests, acupuncture, etc...... Then I come home to Lennon being more cranky and crazy then I've EVER seen him.... throwing all sorts of tantrums.. and then to find a couple of not so friendly messages and comments here of people complaining that I exposed their children to C-DIFF or some shit... FYI, I didn't have it again... they put me back on antibiotics just in case, but it was (and is) just all the medications I am on that are causeing all the stomach problems... and even if I HAD had it, its not like I would have been doing anything at a birthday party that was going to put anyone else at ANY RISK... so chill.
What a fucking crappy day.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Still here :)
Current mood: nauseated
Hi everyone,
just another quick update... still going to water exercise classes... they are helping alot with getting my strength and endurance back.... I'm finding myself with a bit more energy these days and I can actually go up and down a flight of stairs now without being totally exhausted! I can pick up Lennon and put him in his carseat and all that good stuff too.... I went to my Kidney Doc earlier in the week... protein in the urine issue is still there... its still dropping, but again it is still freakishly high.... unless it drops pretty rapidlyover the next week or so they will most likely do the biopsy to see what the deal is..... Could be anindication of permanant damage to the filers of my kidneys.... A biopsy would also mean an overnight in the hospital.... The alternative to a biopsy would be a 12 WEEK course of HIGH DOSE steroids (prednisone) which I am already on in a pretty high dose and lemme tell you it is some miserable shit... The side effects of that are all sorts of nasty stuff, fluid retention, permanant bone loss, nausea, dizziness, a permanant nasty taste in your mouth all day.... hair growth in wierd places, and bad acne.... etc.... etc.... so I'm thinking the biopsy might be the way to go... at least then I would be able to know what condition my kidneys are in for sure and proceed from there....
LEts see.... I took myself off two of the anti-depressent drugs they had me on.... Trazadone and Clonapin..... I haven't gone nuts yet so I think i'm in the clear ;) I'm still on one, but I'm gonna attempt to wean off that one over the next week or so.....
Much of my bruising has faded now... and a lot of the swellling has gone down and I'm now starting to see the scars and damage that has been done to my body... some of it is pretty harsh, i'll say that... I'm really trying to not let it get me down.... its just skin right... anyways, I'm lucky to still have a living BODY so..... as hard as it is some days I'm just trying to stay positive about that and the helll with the less important things....
I have an appointment with a naturapath on Monday to see what she can do.... I was trying to self medicate homeopathically and have been trying to work on myself nutritionallly but for as much research as I've done on naturalhealthI still sort of feellike I'm shooting inthe dark... so Let's see what a professional can do... my insurance won't cover her and I'm pretty broke, but I'd spend everything I've got if it'll get me healthy and able to get back to living again.... I've got high hopes for the natural route so... we'lll see how it goes :) I also got back that nasty stomach bacteria C-Diff that I had in the hospital which has made for a lot of stomach cramping and painful sorts of fun this past week or so... so now I'm back on that hardcore antibiotic to try and get rid of it again.... after its gone this time I'm going to put myself on a special diet to make sure thatshit does NOT come back again...I am NOT going to go through what my grampa did fighting that thing for 8 friggin months!
Anywho.... aside from my health, other news... Lennon is going through a poopy-head phase right now.... he throws tantrums over ANYTHING and EVERYTHING... and has taken to banging his head into things to make himself cry harder to try to get attention... I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it yet... part of me wants to console him and kiss his bruised head, but thats what he's looking for and I don't want to encourage him... so far I'm trying to just ignore it and not give him the satisfaction of getting attention for acting crazy! I hope it works cause it is really hard to watch him doing that.... he also has been giving me a hard time not listening to me and ignoring me when I'm talking to him cause he has figured out that it takes me longer to get up and grab him, and that when I'm not feeling well I may not get up and chase him to sit him down..... so I'm trying to force myself to follow through on punishing him even if it means making myself get up and grab him in the midst of a bout of nausea to sit him down.... I wish I had more energy to play with him and take him outside and such... I'm sure that a lot of the problem is that he's got lots of energy that he hasn't gotten out most of the summer.... he spent most of the time since I got sick (JUNE) indoors watching the same dozen movies over and over.... It makes me ill to think about but there really wasn't and isn't many options in this circumstance... I try to get Addi to take him outside as much as possible, and I have a few times but I can't keep up with him at all and he has been listening so poorly, and if he were to run into the road or something.... *sigh*..... poor kid.... this summer must have sucked so much for him... to go from being outdoors everyday, riding around on our bike.... feeding the ducks and going on playgrounds.... to Mama disappearing overnight and being cooped upp in the livingroom in front of a TV suddenly... no wonder he's been acting out.... ANyways, again, I can't complain though, I know my mom and Addi had their hands full all summer and did what they could... I'll just have to work extra hard to make up for his past few months with Lennon once I'm back on my feet again....
hmmm..... I think thats about it for now... no real major revelations or soul baring admissions this week, lol... hope everyone has had a good week and if you are in new england hope you all enjoy the loverly tropical storm we are expecting this weekend! Be good,
Kalee
Currently watching:
The Princess Bride (20th Anniversary Widescreen Edition)
Release date: 2007-11-13
Hi everyone,
just another quick update... still going to water exercise classes... they are helping alot with getting my strength and endurance back.... I'm finding myself with a bit more energy these days and I can actually go up and down a flight of stairs now without being totally exhausted! I can pick up Lennon and put him in his carseat and all that good stuff too.... I went to my Kidney Doc earlier in the week... protein in the urine issue is still there... its still dropping, but again it is still freakishly high.... unless it drops pretty rapidlyover the next week or so they will most likely do the biopsy to see what the deal is..... Could be anindication of permanant damage to the filers of my kidneys.... A biopsy would also mean an overnight in the hospital.... The alternative to a biopsy would be a 12 WEEK course of HIGH DOSE steroids (prednisone) which I am already on in a pretty high dose and lemme tell you it is some miserable shit... The side effects of that are all sorts of nasty stuff, fluid retention, permanant bone loss, nausea, dizziness, a permanant nasty taste in your mouth all day.... hair growth in wierd places, and bad acne.... etc.... etc.... so I'm thinking the biopsy might be the way to go... at least then I would be able to know what condition my kidneys are in for sure and proceed from there....
LEts see.... I took myself off two of the anti-depressent drugs they had me on.... Trazadone and Clonapin..... I haven't gone nuts yet so I think i'm in the clear ;) I'm still on one, but I'm gonna attempt to wean off that one over the next week or so.....
Much of my bruising has faded now... and a lot of the swellling has gone down and I'm now starting to see the scars and damage that has been done to my body... some of it is pretty harsh, i'll say that... I'm really trying to not let it get me down.... its just skin right... anyways, I'm lucky to still have a living BODY so..... as hard as it is some days I'm just trying to stay positive about that and the helll with the less important things....
I have an appointment with a naturapath on Monday to see what she can do.... I was trying to self medicate homeopathically and have been trying to work on myself nutritionallly but for as much research as I've done on naturalhealthI still sort of feellike I'm shooting inthe dark... so Let's see what a professional can do... my insurance won't cover her and I'm pretty broke, but I'd spend everything I've got if it'll get me healthy and able to get back to living again.... I've got high hopes for the natural route so... we'lll see how it goes :) I also got back that nasty stomach bacteria C-Diff that I had in the hospital which has made for a lot of stomach cramping and painful sorts of fun this past week or so... so now I'm back on that hardcore antibiotic to try and get rid of it again.... after its gone this time I'm going to put myself on a special diet to make sure thatshit does NOT come back again...I am NOT going to go through what my grampa did fighting that thing for 8 friggin months!
Anywho.... aside from my health, other news... Lennon is going through a poopy-head phase right now.... he throws tantrums over ANYTHING and EVERYTHING... and has taken to banging his head into things to make himself cry harder to try to get attention... I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it yet... part of me wants to console him and kiss his bruised head, but thats what he's looking for and I don't want to encourage him... so far I'm trying to just ignore it and not give him the satisfaction of getting attention for acting crazy! I hope it works cause it is really hard to watch him doing that.... he also has been giving me a hard time not listening to me and ignoring me when I'm talking to him cause he has figured out that it takes me longer to get up and grab him, and that when I'm not feeling well I may not get up and chase him to sit him down..... so I'm trying to force myself to follow through on punishing him even if it means making myself get up and grab him in the midst of a bout of nausea to sit him down.... I wish I had more energy to play with him and take him outside and such... I'm sure that a lot of the problem is that he's got lots of energy that he hasn't gotten out most of the summer.... he spent most of the time since I got sick (JUNE) indoors watching the same dozen movies over and over.... It makes me ill to think about but there really wasn't and isn't many options in this circumstance... I try to get Addi to take him outside as much as possible, and I have a few times but I can't keep up with him at all and he has been listening so poorly, and if he were to run into the road or something.... *sigh*..... poor kid.... this summer must have sucked so much for him... to go from being outdoors everyday, riding around on our bike.... feeding the ducks and going on playgrounds.... to Mama disappearing overnight and being cooped upp in the livingroom in front of a TV suddenly... no wonder he's been acting out.... ANyways, again, I can't complain though, I know my mom and Addi had their hands full all summer and did what they could... I'll just have to work extra hard to make up for his past few months with Lennon once I'm back on my feet again....
hmmm..... I think thats about it for now... no real major revelations or soul baring admissions this week, lol... hope everyone has had a good week and if you are in new england hope you all enjoy the loverly tropical storm we are expecting this weekend! Be good,
Kalee
Currently watching:
The Princess Bride (20th Anniversary Widescreen Edition)
Release date: 2007-11-13
Saturday, August 30, 2008
News and bored...
Current mood: creative
Hello hello :)
Here's the latest... I went to my blood doctor late last week and was told that the blood aspect of my illness (the paart where my blood was attacking itself) is in.... REMISSION! That is the really life threatening portion that required the plasmapheresis treatments and catheters, etc...... So the constant threat of rehospitalization is not an issue at the moment! Now I'm just trying toget my Kidney's up and running.... I'm still bruising very wierd (they spiderweb out in little dots?!) and easily and they don't go away for a long time then (still have LOTS of the bruises I had two weeks before I left the hospital!) so my Nephrologist is hesitant to do a kidney biopsy still because of the risk of bleeding.... SO I still have no idea why I am spilling so much protein in my urine.... It is decreasing a bit at last testing but it is still like monumentally high.... SO I am self treating myself homeopathically, seeing my chiropractor and getting acupuncture as well and still taking my meds.... I'm curious to see if the homeopathic and chiropractic treatments will make a difference when I go get my tests on tuesday.... I also started Water Therapy yesterday... today was my second class and I'm feeling a little stronger already and lost another couple pounds of water weight (from the compression in the pool)... Thats about all I have to report on the health side of things.... btw most low sodium food SUCKS serious buttcheeks! On a more fun note... I went to the thrift store for the first time in FOREVER the other dayand got some clothes to modify and some cheap fabric, so I'm keeping myself busy and making some wicked new clothes for myself.... which is necessary cause right now I am the oddest sort of skinny, flabby and puffy and so many of my clothes do not fit right at ALL! anywhos.... my mom's computer's battery is gonna die any sec I think so.... Laters,
Kalee
Hello hello :)
Here's the latest... I went to my blood doctor late last week and was told that the blood aspect of my illness (the paart where my blood was attacking itself) is in.... REMISSION! That is the really life threatening portion that required the plasmapheresis treatments and catheters, etc...... So the constant threat of rehospitalization is not an issue at the moment! Now I'm just trying toget my Kidney's up and running.... I'm still bruising very wierd (they spiderweb out in little dots?!) and easily and they don't go away for a long time then (still have LOTS of the bruises I had two weeks before I left the hospital!) so my Nephrologist is hesitant to do a kidney biopsy still because of the risk of bleeding.... SO I still have no idea why I am spilling so much protein in my urine.... It is decreasing a bit at last testing but it is still like monumentally high.... SO I am self treating myself homeopathically, seeing my chiropractor and getting acupuncture as well and still taking my meds.... I'm curious to see if the homeopathic and chiropractic treatments will make a difference when I go get my tests on tuesday.... I also started Water Therapy yesterday... today was my second class and I'm feeling a little stronger already and lost another couple pounds of water weight (from the compression in the pool)... Thats about all I have to report on the health side of things.... btw most low sodium food SUCKS serious buttcheeks! On a more fun note... I went to the thrift store for the first time in FOREVER the other dayand got some clothes to modify and some cheap fabric, so I'm keeping myself busy and making some wicked new clothes for myself.... which is necessary cause right now I am the oddest sort of skinny, flabby and puffy and so many of my clothes do not fit right at ALL! anywhos.... my mom's computer's battery is gonna die any sec I think so.... Laters,
Kalee
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
IDENTITY
Current mood: confused
I spent a lot of time talking to my mama today.... about all the things and thoughts that have been left in the wake of this insane summer.... There is this deeply ingrained aspect of my personality that needs to have things organized within my head... I need to know where things stand... put thoughts and memories in tidy places where they belong.... always have been like that... I need to do it so I can UNDERSTAND WHY.... HOW... WHOO or what.... and one of the things that bothers me most about this illness I am caught by is that there is so much that is UNKNOWN.... I have entire days.... weeks, where I have virtually no memories.... no idea where I was, who I was... even WHAT I was.... I had people coming up to me in the hospital (nurses and such) saying ''I'm so glad to see you looking so much better' that I would have swore I never saw in my life.... I have fuzzy images of things here and there but they seem more like hallucinations and dreams than anything... my mom keeps telling me as much as she knows and can recall, and I hear these scenarios and they seem vaguly familiar, as if they COULD have happened... I can kind of picture them... almost put my finger on it, but its not SOLID.... it is a very unnerving feeling.... I can even remember talking to my mom on the phone, and the last thing she said to me right before I went into a seizure.... it freaks the hell out of me to remember that... being there one minute joking about some random thing.....and the next you are just in darkness..... waking up to random faces speaking languages you don't understand.... confusion, rage.... fear.... on a two week long bad trip that you can't escape or even come close to comprehending...... all in a split second, with no prior indication that it was about to happen..... it terrifies me.... it wakes me at night..... it is a constant thought in the back of my mind that it could happen again at anytime.... Drs have said not to worry, that it wont... but how do they KNOW?
I'm starting to feel like I'm in the midst of an identity crisis or something..... I've spent the better part of the last decade of my life trying to educate myself on nature... on my body... on taking care of myself, and the world around me.... and even though we all KNOW in theory that life is fragile... there are no guarentees, etc, etc.... there is always that part of us that believes we are immortal.... that bad things happen to OTHER people, not us.... somehow I thought that if I was doing everything RIGHT that I would NEVER be one of those unhealthy people.... suffering from some dreaded chronic disease.... hospitalization.... haveing to pop 20 to 30 different pills in a day to keep my body from shutting down.... I didn't take anything lightly.... food, health in general.... living a chemical free as possible existance... researching the crap out of everything and anything.... I rarely make decisions regarding mine or lennon's health without SERIOUSLY looking at ALL options and opinions..... and somehow, for all I tried... for all my efforts, its FAILED ME...... misereably.... I don't understand it... I don't get it... I see so many people around me take everything lightly.... go with the crowd... everyone else is doing it and such.... and their lives NEVER seem to be hit with the turmoil that mine does over and over again.... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SO I sit here.... I think about this shit over and over, trying to make some sense.... Did I do something wrong? Where was it, when? Am I rocking the boat too much.... should I stop fighting against the status quo??? PArt of me just feels like throwing my hands up in the air and screaming out to the world I have embraced for so long 'FUCK YOU! FUCK IT ALL! WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CHEMICALS? THE ENVIRONMENT? THE GOVERNMENT?!! We're all going to DIE anyways, one way or another.... and no matter WHAT YOU DO it could happen with the next breath you take...' and another part of me wants to CRY like a little baby and stay sick forever so people will take care of me cause maybe I just can't handle life.... and another part of me wants to say, FUCK BEING SICK! I've been researching this shit for years... I'm going put my money where my mouth has been for years and I am going to find out how the fuck I can HEAL myself of this shit and I am going to get better and pursue that life that I want...... and yet another part of me is scared shitless...... death lurks everywhere now.... it could be on the grapes I just ate.... It could be that SUV speeding up behind us..... It could be a blood test result came in too late and my kidney's fail..... it could be that I try some natural remedy and it makes a bad situation worse.... or I could stay on the drugs and conventional treatments and get worse.... I feel so HELPLESS and out of control in all this.... it is bad to feel so undecided about who, and what to trust... but it is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you can not even trusts your self.... not your memories... your thoughts.... your body.... or your opinions and views on a world you THOUGHT you had some sort of understanding of.....
Yeah... I guess you could say this is a bit of a crisis.... we shall see in time I guess how it all turns out..........................
I spent a lot of time talking to my mama today.... about all the things and thoughts that have been left in the wake of this insane summer.... There is this deeply ingrained aspect of my personality that needs to have things organized within my head... I need to know where things stand... put thoughts and memories in tidy places where they belong.... always have been like that... I need to do it so I can UNDERSTAND WHY.... HOW... WHOO or what.... and one of the things that bothers me most about this illness I am caught by is that there is so much that is UNKNOWN.... I have entire days.... weeks, where I have virtually no memories.... no idea where I was, who I was... even WHAT I was.... I had people coming up to me in the hospital (nurses and such) saying ''I'm so glad to see you looking so much better' that I would have swore I never saw in my life.... I have fuzzy images of things here and there but they seem more like hallucinations and dreams than anything... my mom keeps telling me as much as she knows and can recall, and I hear these scenarios and they seem vaguly familiar, as if they COULD have happened... I can kind of picture them... almost put my finger on it, but its not SOLID.... it is a very unnerving feeling.... I can even remember talking to my mom on the phone, and the last thing she said to me right before I went into a seizure.... it freaks the hell out of me to remember that... being there one minute joking about some random thing.....and the next you are just in darkness..... waking up to random faces speaking languages you don't understand.... confusion, rage.... fear.... on a two week long bad trip that you can't escape or even come close to comprehending...... all in a split second, with no prior indication that it was about to happen..... it terrifies me.... it wakes me at night..... it is a constant thought in the back of my mind that it could happen again at anytime.... Drs have said not to worry, that it wont... but how do they KNOW?
I'm starting to feel like I'm in the midst of an identity crisis or something..... I've spent the better part of the last decade of my life trying to educate myself on nature... on my body... on taking care of myself, and the world around me.... and even though we all KNOW in theory that life is fragile... there are no guarentees, etc, etc.... there is always that part of us that believes we are immortal.... that bad things happen to OTHER people, not us.... somehow I thought that if I was doing everything RIGHT that I would NEVER be one of those unhealthy people.... suffering from some dreaded chronic disease.... hospitalization.... haveing to pop 20 to 30 different pills in a day to keep my body from shutting down.... I didn't take anything lightly.... food, health in general.... living a chemical free as possible existance... researching the crap out of everything and anything.... I rarely make decisions regarding mine or lennon's health without SERIOUSLY looking at ALL options and opinions..... and somehow, for all I tried... for all my efforts, its FAILED ME...... misereably.... I don't understand it... I don't get it... I see so many people around me take everything lightly.... go with the crowd... everyone else is doing it and such.... and their lives NEVER seem to be hit with the turmoil that mine does over and over again.... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SO I sit here.... I think about this shit over and over, trying to make some sense.... Did I do something wrong? Where was it, when? Am I rocking the boat too much.... should I stop fighting against the status quo??? PArt of me just feels like throwing my hands up in the air and screaming out to the world I have embraced for so long 'FUCK YOU! FUCK IT ALL! WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CHEMICALS? THE ENVIRONMENT? THE GOVERNMENT?!! We're all going to DIE anyways, one way or another.... and no matter WHAT YOU DO it could happen with the next breath you take...' and another part of me wants to CRY like a little baby and stay sick forever so people will take care of me cause maybe I just can't handle life.... and another part of me wants to say, FUCK BEING SICK! I've been researching this shit for years... I'm going put my money where my mouth has been for years and I am going to find out how the fuck I can HEAL myself of this shit and I am going to get better and pursue that life that I want...... and yet another part of me is scared shitless...... death lurks everywhere now.... it could be on the grapes I just ate.... It could be that SUV speeding up behind us..... It could be a blood test result came in too late and my kidney's fail..... it could be that I try some natural remedy and it makes a bad situation worse.... or I could stay on the drugs and conventional treatments and get worse.... I feel so HELPLESS and out of control in all this.... it is bad to feel so undecided about who, and what to trust... but it is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you can not even trusts your self.... not your memories... your thoughts.... your body.... or your opinions and views on a world you THOUGHT you had some sort of understanding of.....
Yeah... I guess you could say this is a bit of a crisis.... we shall see in time I guess how it all turns out..........................
Thursday, August 21, 2008
PEACE OF MIND
Current mood: calm
Hello friends,
SO I just got back from my first follow up with Dr. Post who is my Nephrologist (kidney doc) and I must say an AWESOME doctor at that.... All good news! He is becoming the only one of all the other Kidney docs I've been seeing that I feel like I can trust and who KNOWS what is going on, and tells it like it is... I asked him today If I can just deal with him from now on (unless of course its an emergency and he is off) and he agreed, so I'm really happy about that. I was dealing with about 6 different doctors this week and all but one were totally and completely unfamiliar with my case and telling me all sorts of conflicting things.... two kept telling me things weren't looking good and giveing me test results that god knows where they got the "bad" numbers.... I feel like I've been in a PANIC of PANICS all week and according to the one Dr. I trust completely with my life it was pretty much all for nothing. The aspect of my illness that could land me back in the hospital with more blood and plasma treatments would be the "blood disorder" half, and according to Dr. Post all of my test numbers are holding steady or improving, so that is looking GOOD. The other half is the "kidney disease" portion and in some ways I doing well there too.... Dr. says right now we are focusing on that portion and just monitoring the blood portion to make sure it stays steady or keeps improving.... On the kidney homefront, I am still retaining fluid like crazy so I am on a VERY sodium restricted diet, and I have to find myself a pool to go in for at least an hour a day (I know it sounds weird but its called "submerssion therapy" and this dr. swears it works even better than the dieuretics I'm on most of the time), He also really wants to do a biopsy but I am still bruising very easily and then they don't go away so he is concerned about the dangers of bleeding still.... Anyways, all in all it was a great visit and gave me the first peace of mind and relief from worrying about ending up backin the hospital that I've had since last thursday when I was discharged..... YAY!
oh yeah, and this Dr. just might be the coolest MD I've ever met, lol... Today he says to me something to the effect of " You are a very unique patient and I respect very much that before all this happened you were a health conscious person, eating organic and healthy food, taking good care of yourself.... Not that ANYONE deserves this but YOU of all people DEFINITLY didn't deserve this"... I thought that was really nice of him to say.... he also said that my case is the strangest case he's ever seen.... out of a disease that is 1 in 100,000 mine has been so unpredictable and weird that it is another 1 out of 100,000 of that original 1 out of 100,000..... so I asked him if he thinks I should go buy a lottery ticket, lol.....
ANyways, in other areas of life things are going pretty good... I'm starting to get over this cold and stomach bug I've had since sunday... Lennon is back to being completely in LOVE with his Mama.... I discovered a couple days ago that I am STILL LACTATING with is totally bizzare and in my opinion a complete MIRACLE.... I am on so many meds right now I don't dare try and actually breastfeed him but I think I may start trying to pump and dump and once I am off the meds I will offer it to him and see if he is interested in another go.... then maybe we can someday have the gentle and loving end to our nursing relationship that I had hoped for.... I am also feeling stronger every day... I can climb stairs without having to pull myself up on the hand rails, and I can get back up from a squatting position which I couldn't do without TWO people pulling me up just a week ago! I can also carry Lennon short distances now too! So..... things are looking positive as of this afternoon.... I'm not getting too excited cause I'm still straddling a very precarious fence and there is still something VERY not right with my kidneys BUT I am staying hopeful and trying to focus on the small victories..... one day at a time I am going to kick this thing's ASS. Thank you all for all your thoughts and prayers, they are working wonders so far! I haven't really been up for visitors all this week with my cold and stomach issues on top of just the general effects of the HUS/TTP.... we shall see what next week brings, I will be sure and keep you all updated on here.... I LOVE YOU ALL!
Kalee and Lennon
Currently watching:
Monsters, Inc. (Widescreen) (2 Discs)
Release date: 2002-09-17
Hello friends,
SO I just got back from my first follow up with Dr. Post who is my Nephrologist (kidney doc) and I must say an AWESOME doctor at that.... All good news! He is becoming the only one of all the other Kidney docs I've been seeing that I feel like I can trust and who KNOWS what is going on, and tells it like it is... I asked him today If I can just deal with him from now on (unless of course its an emergency and he is off) and he agreed, so I'm really happy about that. I was dealing with about 6 different doctors this week and all but one were totally and completely unfamiliar with my case and telling me all sorts of conflicting things.... two kept telling me things weren't looking good and giveing me test results that god knows where they got the "bad" numbers.... I feel like I've been in a PANIC of PANICS all week and according to the one Dr. I trust completely with my life it was pretty much all for nothing. The aspect of my illness that could land me back in the hospital with more blood and plasma treatments would be the "blood disorder" half, and according to Dr. Post all of my test numbers are holding steady or improving, so that is looking GOOD. The other half is the "kidney disease" portion and in some ways I doing well there too.... Dr. says right now we are focusing on that portion and just monitoring the blood portion to make sure it stays steady or keeps improving.... On the kidney homefront, I am still retaining fluid like crazy so I am on a VERY sodium restricted diet, and I have to find myself a pool to go in for at least an hour a day (I know it sounds weird but its called "submerssion therapy" and this dr. swears it works even better than the dieuretics I'm on most of the time), He also really wants to do a biopsy but I am still bruising very easily and then they don't go away so he is concerned about the dangers of bleeding still.... Anyways, all in all it was a great visit and gave me the first peace of mind and relief from worrying about ending up backin the hospital that I've had since last thursday when I was discharged..... YAY!
oh yeah, and this Dr. just might be the coolest MD I've ever met, lol... Today he says to me something to the effect of " You are a very unique patient and I respect very much that before all this happened you were a health conscious person, eating organic and healthy food, taking good care of yourself.... Not that ANYONE deserves this but YOU of all people DEFINITLY didn't deserve this"... I thought that was really nice of him to say.... he also said that my case is the strangest case he's ever seen.... out of a disease that is 1 in 100,000 mine has been so unpredictable and weird that it is another 1 out of 100,000 of that original 1 out of 100,000..... so I asked him if he thinks I should go buy a lottery ticket, lol.....
ANyways, in other areas of life things are going pretty good... I'm starting to get over this cold and stomach bug I've had since sunday... Lennon is back to being completely in LOVE with his Mama.... I discovered a couple days ago that I am STILL LACTATING with is totally bizzare and in my opinion a complete MIRACLE.... I am on so many meds right now I don't dare try and actually breastfeed him but I think I may start trying to pump and dump and once I am off the meds I will offer it to him and see if he is interested in another go.... then maybe we can someday have the gentle and loving end to our nursing relationship that I had hoped for.... I am also feeling stronger every day... I can climb stairs without having to pull myself up on the hand rails, and I can get back up from a squatting position which I couldn't do without TWO people pulling me up just a week ago! I can also carry Lennon short distances now too! So..... things are looking positive as of this afternoon.... I'm not getting too excited cause I'm still straddling a very precarious fence and there is still something VERY not right with my kidneys BUT I am staying hopeful and trying to focus on the small victories..... one day at a time I am going to kick this thing's ASS. Thank you all for all your thoughts and prayers, they are working wonders so far! I haven't really been up for visitors all this week with my cold and stomach issues on top of just the general effects of the HUS/TTP.... we shall see what next week brings, I will be sure and keep you all updated on here.... I LOVE YOU ALL!
Kalee and Lennon
Currently watching:
Monsters, Inc. (Widescreen) (2 Discs)
Release date: 2002-09-17
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
This black cloud
Current mood: tested
I feel sick to my sstomach right now.... and am fighting off a full on panic attack, awaiting blood results my Dr. ordered "STAT" today.... they should be back already and haven't heard anything yet.... depending upon what they see Dr. said I may end up back in hospital tonight..... I'm so sick of this dark cloud looming overhead... every other day they tell me it might rain, and I never know if its really going to, or if its gonna pass over again.... I keep having to look at Lennon as if it is the last time I may see him for awhile.... and every night I sleep in my bed I wonder if I will be so lucky the next night... I'm sick of being sick... I just want someone to tell me that this will all come to an end at some point and I will be okay.... I just want someone to be able to tell be that I will live to see my baby grow up... but I will just keep hoping and praying and fighting cause thats all I can do I guess....
Currently watching:
Pixar Short Films Collection, Vol. 1
Release date: 2007-11-06
I feel sick to my sstomach right now.... and am fighting off a full on panic attack, awaiting blood results my Dr. ordered "STAT" today.... they should be back already and haven't heard anything yet.... depending upon what they see Dr. said I may end up back in hospital tonight..... I'm so sick of this dark cloud looming overhead... every other day they tell me it might rain, and I never know if its really going to, or if its gonna pass over again.... I keep having to look at Lennon as if it is the last time I may see him for awhile.... and every night I sleep in my bed I wonder if I will be so lucky the next night... I'm sick of being sick... I just want someone to tell me that this will all come to an end at some point and I will be okay.... I just want someone to be able to tell be that I will live to see my baby grow up... but I will just keep hoping and praying and fighting cause thats all I can do I guess....
Currently watching:
Pixar Short Films Collection, Vol. 1
Release date: 2007-11-06
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
FUCK.
Current mood: anxious
Saw Dr. today and got some blood tests... waiting to hear back today or tommorrow but Dr. said I might have to be readmitted................................... here I am praying and crossing my fingers....
Saw Dr. today and got some blood tests... waiting to hear back today or tommorrow but Dr. said I might have to be readmitted................................... here I am praying and crossing my fingers....
Monday, August 18, 2008
FUTURE...
Current mood:HONEST
Category: Life
This is what I see.... have realized from this experience I have recently lived through to tell......
THIS is what I want...
A little old farm house.... not too tiny but comfortably cozy, maybe a little shabby and saggy, but well loved and taken care of.... with walls of our own that I can take as much paint and brushes to as my heart needs.... with a big ole overgrown jungly garden leading to the front door... flowers, and big leafy bushy plants and flowery leafy trees and shrubbery....
I want Lennon and perhaps a lil more young'uns to run in a big big space of land... trees to climb, fruits and veggies to pic.... I want to school them as best we can in the ways of the world, or nature, and of life.... as partners... equals.... friends....
I want a BIG BIG garden... fruits and veggies galor.... more than enough to eat, share...maybe even sell.....
I want to spend several months of the year just traveling around in an earthlovin vehicle, selling my parents (and at that point OURs too) Jewelry at fairs and fests around the country.... maybe further.
I want to go to nursing school and in off months nurse on my own terms, my own hours, part time....
I want my partner to do whatever his heart desires to do in off months to keep bringing in enough to help us live as well.... but also to feel free enough to enjoy life and all his passions... cause I'll be doing the same....
I want to play my music, write my thoughts, paint my mind on anything and everything... make things from trash... learn all sorts of things... dance, sing, and smile as often as possible.
I want to stay in new england.... likely CT, possibly RI, VT, or MA.... but still close enough that my family is NO MORE than an hour away TOPS......
I've realized a few other things... I'm not as "close" to some of my family as I'd like... but I LOVE them more than anything, and I KNOW that they feel the same.... and the few intimate conversations that I HAVE HAD with each and eevery one of them at one point of another in the recent year or two leads me to believe that the potential for great friendships.. REAL FRIENDSHIPS are there.... and I'm not will to give up on that.... just as they were not willing to give up on me during recent events.....
Thus, why I will be staying close by wherever they all may be congregated.... its not my zip code that matters in the slightest.... and I may live in the heart of a beast of a state in the epicenter of what is rapidly becoming a beast of a country... but 90% of the people Lennon and I love in this world and vice versa are here.... and so will I be.
I have realized that I can KNOW and keep up to date on what is happening in this world around me.... and I can CHOOSE every day of my life to NOT participate as MUCH as possible, but that paranoia and a complete refusal to LIVE lest you somehow support an evil system you don't agree with is futile... it accomplishes nothing more than putting one in a constant state of FEAR and produces an inability to live any sort of meaningful existance.... YES the system SUCKS... yes it is run by terrible evil people.... yes corporations suck.... and politicians don't give a shit about any of us..... yes the world may end tommorrow... the government may start busting down doors and hauling off the trouble makersor "terrorists".... and yes they are trying to make slaves of us ALL...... and I can CHOOSE to think what I want and do what I want about that... I choose to find some niches where I can still BUILD a future for my family and I.... be prepared mentally and physically for any shit that may go down... live as close to nature as I can without becoming Grizzly Adam's wife... refuse to shop at big businesses as much as possible... and all the other numerous things that are within MY ABILITY to do to existiin this fucked up world without losing my sanity... There's this cheesy ass country song I heard once and the chorus has been stuck in my head since the night before I suffered a massive seizure that almost claimed my life... I have no idea what any of the rest of the words are but the chorus goes like this:
You CAN spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm can come and blow it all away
BUILD IT ANYWAYS
thats what I intend to do with my second chance I have been given....
I have realized that my purpose in life was NEVER to be a corporate "yes man"... a coffee slinger... a telephone answerer or any other MEANINGLESS existance.... and on the same token I do not believe it is to be anyone who's name will ever be mentioned in ANY history book... not a famous world shaking anything.... I am not a gandhi, a john lennon, or an MLK..... but I will CHANGE the world through small acts of kindness and compassion.... because someone has to, and because the small things are going to be what changes the world... not a glorified leader.... the little people who do little things every day, like let someone out into traffic, or tell a scared sick person with demetia for the 20th time with love and patience in their voice where there are, or wipe someone elses ass because they can't do it for themselves.... or spend their days nursing sick children even though half of them won't survive and the pain of that loss will have to be felt over and over by said nurse...someone has to do these things... these are the acts in life that have MEANING.... that will make the world just a little better place for our babies to grow in....
The last thing I've realized... there is someone I LOVE with all my heart that is not near me.... he knows who he is. someone I have felt this unexplainable bond with since we were kids... someone I have always pictured as a piece of my soul and vice versa.... someone who once said the most amazing thing I had or have ever heard in my life... "I want to climb inside you so you'll never be lonely" (you already ARE...) ... And I want something from this person that I know could be considered so selfish.... I know that there are factors already concieved in other worlds that have come into play.... and I know what I ask... and the compromises which would need to be made.... and I wish I could be the one to make a great sacrifce... but I've tried planning it so many times and I CAN'T... for reasons stated... and I remember when you asked me what I thought you should do 2 years ago...and I said nothing though I wanted to SCREAM for you to STAY... just stay here... that you could be mate and daddy right here.... not step... daddy. I remember a campfire and a walk when I wished it was you I was sitting besides.... I remember crying so many nights when I have wished it was you sleeping besides me and I remember all the times we tried and the timing was never right... and I try not to live in the past... and I've tried moving on to others... many times.... but its ALWAYS been YOU.
and so I ask of you the one last thing I want out of this life... with every trial and trouble and sacrifice that may come of it... I ask for one last chance.... another TRY at standing besides you as the other half to "OUR"... as mates, friends, and partners with all the honesty, OPENNESS, faith hope, love, integrity, equality, RESPECT, and strength that comes from having a REAL TRUE human relationship, the kind you an I have had for years with each other, and never with another... and if this cannot or will not be the case I ask for nothing more than such an answer... and I will ask my heart to let me move on from this constant ache for you that I carry with me everyday....
this is what I want. What do you want?
Currently reading:
The Poisonwood Bible
By Barbara Kingsolver
Category: Life
This is what I see.... have realized from this experience I have recently lived through to tell......
THIS is what I want...
A little old farm house.... not too tiny but comfortably cozy, maybe a little shabby and saggy, but well loved and taken care of.... with walls of our own that I can take as much paint and brushes to as my heart needs.... with a big ole overgrown jungly garden leading to the front door... flowers, and big leafy bushy plants and flowery leafy trees and shrubbery....
I want Lennon and perhaps a lil more young'uns to run in a big big space of land... trees to climb, fruits and veggies to pic.... I want to school them as best we can in the ways of the world, or nature, and of life.... as partners... equals.... friends....
I want a BIG BIG garden... fruits and veggies galor.... more than enough to eat, share...maybe even sell.....
I want to spend several months of the year just traveling around in an earthlovin vehicle, selling my parents (and at that point OURs too) Jewelry at fairs and fests around the country.... maybe further.
I want to go to nursing school and in off months nurse on my own terms, my own hours, part time....
I want my partner to do whatever his heart desires to do in off months to keep bringing in enough to help us live as well.... but also to feel free enough to enjoy life and all his passions... cause I'll be doing the same....
I want to play my music, write my thoughts, paint my mind on anything and everything... make things from trash... learn all sorts of things... dance, sing, and smile as often as possible.
I want to stay in new england.... likely CT, possibly RI, VT, or MA.... but still close enough that my family is NO MORE than an hour away TOPS......
I've realized a few other things... I'm not as "close" to some of my family as I'd like... but I LOVE them more than anything, and I KNOW that they feel the same.... and the few intimate conversations that I HAVE HAD with each and eevery one of them at one point of another in the recent year or two leads me to believe that the potential for great friendships.. REAL FRIENDSHIPS are there.... and I'm not will to give up on that.... just as they were not willing to give up on me during recent events.....
Thus, why I will be staying close by wherever they all may be congregated.... its not my zip code that matters in the slightest.... and I may live in the heart of a beast of a state in the epicenter of what is rapidly becoming a beast of a country... but 90% of the people Lennon and I love in this world and vice versa are here.... and so will I be.
I have realized that I can KNOW and keep up to date on what is happening in this world around me.... and I can CHOOSE every day of my life to NOT participate as MUCH as possible, but that paranoia and a complete refusal to LIVE lest you somehow support an evil system you don't agree with is futile... it accomplishes nothing more than putting one in a constant state of FEAR and produces an inability to live any sort of meaningful existance.... YES the system SUCKS... yes it is run by terrible evil people.... yes corporations suck.... and politicians don't give a shit about any of us..... yes the world may end tommorrow... the government may start busting down doors and hauling off the trouble makersor "terrorists".... and yes they are trying to make slaves of us ALL...... and I can CHOOSE to think what I want and do what I want about that... I choose to find some niches where I can still BUILD a future for my family and I.... be prepared mentally and physically for any shit that may go down... live as close to nature as I can without becoming Grizzly Adam's wife... refuse to shop at big businesses as much as possible... and all the other numerous things that are within MY ABILITY to do to existiin this fucked up world without losing my sanity... There's this cheesy ass country song I heard once and the chorus has been stuck in my head since the night before I suffered a massive seizure that almost claimed my life... I have no idea what any of the rest of the words are but the chorus goes like this:
You CAN spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm can come and blow it all away
BUILD IT ANYWAYS
thats what I intend to do with my second chance I have been given....
I have realized that my purpose in life was NEVER to be a corporate "yes man"... a coffee slinger... a telephone answerer or any other MEANINGLESS existance.... and on the same token I do not believe it is to be anyone who's name will ever be mentioned in ANY history book... not a famous world shaking anything.... I am not a gandhi, a john lennon, or an MLK..... but I will CHANGE the world through small acts of kindness and compassion.... because someone has to, and because the small things are going to be what changes the world... not a glorified leader.... the little people who do little things every day, like let someone out into traffic, or tell a scared sick person with demetia for the 20th time with love and patience in their voice where there are, or wipe someone elses ass because they can't do it for themselves.... or spend their days nursing sick children even though half of them won't survive and the pain of that loss will have to be felt over and over by said nurse...someone has to do these things... these are the acts in life that have MEANING.... that will make the world just a little better place for our babies to grow in....
The last thing I've realized... there is someone I LOVE with all my heart that is not near me.... he knows who he is. someone I have felt this unexplainable bond with since we were kids... someone I have always pictured as a piece of my soul and vice versa.... someone who once said the most amazing thing I had or have ever heard in my life... "I want to climb inside you so you'll never be lonely" (you already ARE...) ... And I want something from this person that I know could be considered so selfish.... I know that there are factors already concieved in other worlds that have come into play.... and I know what I ask... and the compromises which would need to be made.... and I wish I could be the one to make a great sacrifce... but I've tried planning it so many times and I CAN'T... for reasons stated... and I remember when you asked me what I thought you should do 2 years ago...and I said nothing though I wanted to SCREAM for you to STAY... just stay here... that you could be mate and daddy right here.... not step... daddy. I remember a campfire and a walk when I wished it was you I was sitting besides.... I remember crying so many nights when I have wished it was you sleeping besides me and I remember all the times we tried and the timing was never right... and I try not to live in the past... and I've tried moving on to others... many times.... but its ALWAYS been YOU.
and so I ask of you the one last thing I want out of this life... with every trial and trouble and sacrifice that may come of it... I ask for one last chance.... another TRY at standing besides you as the other half to "OUR"... as mates, friends, and partners with all the honesty, OPENNESS, faith hope, love, integrity, equality, RESPECT, and strength that comes from having a REAL TRUE human relationship, the kind you an I have had for years with each other, and never with another... and if this cannot or will not be the case I ask for nothing more than such an answer... and I will ask my heart to let me move on from this constant ache for you that I carry with me everyday....
this is what I want. What do you want?
Currently reading:
The Poisonwood Bible
By Barbara Kingsolver
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Pictures, Life, and nightmares
Current mood: drained
Category: Life
howdy,
lots and lots of new pictures up... some of friends and family but mostly from the hospital and some things I've made recently as well.... A few of the hospitaal ones may not be appropriate for those with weak stomachs, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED...
Anywho, things being home are going alright.... Lennon is warming back up to me and is doing good.... I am weaning myself off of the 4 anti-depressent anti anxiety type medications they have had me on THIS WEEK with is tough but in my mind is necessary to retain a very necesarry piece of myself....
I have lots of drs apptments and blood tests this week and next.... might have to get a kidney biopsy next week as well.... I'm starting to look into pursuing some sort of legal action against the farm and possibly whole foods.... I never thought I'd be a person to sue, but this whole thing has taken so much from my family and I that I can NEVER recover..... and has left so many scars inside and out that will never disappear..... My family at the very least deserves to be compensated in some small way (trust me NO amount of money will make up for this hell we've all been and are still going through but....)
Besides all that I've just been spending time with Lennon, on the computer researching this disease, and trying to sort through the massive and confusing mix of feelings, loss, images, memories, thoughts, nightmares, and everything else connected to this disaster that has become my life.... and trying not to let it break me down into a cowering child.... In the hospital I was having all sorts of bizarre nightmare/hallucinations of crazy shit like all of the muscles and skin shredding off my bones, and I couldn't top ripping and tearing it off, and it wouldn't stop until I'd call out for my dad or a nurse or someone..... it was all so reall and vivid.... I'm kind of freaked out that once I go off these anti-crazy pills they've got me on it might start again but I hate feeling drugged and sedated..... I'm not a "give me a pill" person.... I'm a "let me work through this shit in my head myself and on paper" kind of person so...... we'll see how this all goes i guess......
Thats all for now, going to visit my grandparents today for a delicious "welcome home" lunch/dinner... should be a nice time to be had.... I am thinking of a few of you all my friends... would love to hear from/see you... you know who you are... much Love...
until another moment,
Kalee
Currently listening:
Mad World Pt.1
By Michael (Ft Gary Jules) Andrews
Release date: 2003-12-09
Category: Life
howdy,
lots and lots of new pictures up... some of friends and family but mostly from the hospital and some things I've made recently as well.... A few of the hospitaal ones may not be appropriate for those with weak stomachs, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED...
Anywho, things being home are going alright.... Lennon is warming back up to me and is doing good.... I am weaning myself off of the 4 anti-depressent anti anxiety type medications they have had me on THIS WEEK with is tough but in my mind is necessary to retain a very necesarry piece of myself....
I have lots of drs apptments and blood tests this week and next.... might have to get a kidney biopsy next week as well.... I'm starting to look into pursuing some sort of legal action against the farm and possibly whole foods.... I never thought I'd be a person to sue, but this whole thing has taken so much from my family and I that I can NEVER recover..... and has left so many scars inside and out that will never disappear..... My family at the very least deserves to be compensated in some small way (trust me NO amount of money will make up for this hell we've all been and are still going through but....)
Besides all that I've just been spending time with Lennon, on the computer researching this disease, and trying to sort through the massive and confusing mix of feelings, loss, images, memories, thoughts, nightmares, and everything else connected to this disaster that has become my life.... and trying not to let it break me down into a cowering child.... In the hospital I was having all sorts of bizarre nightmare/hallucinations of crazy shit like all of the muscles and skin shredding off my bones, and I couldn't top ripping and tearing it off, and it wouldn't stop until I'd call out for my dad or a nurse or someone..... it was all so reall and vivid.... I'm kind of freaked out that once I go off these anti-crazy pills they've got me on it might start again but I hate feeling drugged and sedated..... I'm not a "give me a pill" person.... I'm a "let me work through this shit in my head myself and on paper" kind of person so...... we'll see how this all goes i guess......
Thats all for now, going to visit my grandparents today for a delicious "welcome home" lunch/dinner... should be a nice time to be had.... I am thinking of a few of you all my friends... would love to hear from/see you... you know who you are... much Love...
until another moment,
Kalee
Currently listening:
Mad World Pt.1
By Michael (Ft Gary Jules) Andrews
Release date: 2003-12-09
Friday, August 15, 2008
another update / new room
Current mood: blissful
NEW ROOM: MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! phone number 860267****, visitors and callers are welcome virtually anytime ( especially ones from washington and boston ....) if visiting please just call to confirm I am in my room ;)
I'm home... just got here couple hours ago, showered the stink of hospital off me, ate some chinese food and have been hanging out with my beautiful Lennon the whole time. Its amazing and scary to be home... dr's aren't sure I'm totally out of the woods yet and there are still quite a few things on the kidney and blood homefronts that are not at all close to normal.... but they felt comfortable sending me home so long as I follow up closely and very often with tests and my medical team.... So anyways.... can;t wait to spend the night in my own bed with my little cuddle monster.... I had to open the windows to smell the fresh east hampton air, I was so excited to see brooks pharmacy and donut depot and even Mcdonalds..... I wanted to kiss my kitchen floor when I walked in the door. Most of all I CRIED my eyes out nearly the entire way home from the happiness and mix of emotions... THere was such a long time when I thought this day would never come and it came so close to being the truth, and now suddenly here I am, Alive and sitting on my couch with my angel sleeping across my lap........ I feel so lucky and so blessed to have life.... thank you so MUCH my friends for listening and for all your thoughts and prayers for me and my family this past month and a half.... it made a big difference and I LOVE YOU ALL TREMENDEOUSLY. I will write more later, Good night, BE WELL ALL, God Bless and Take care of yourselves
Kalee (and LENNON!!!!!!!!!)
NEW ROOM: MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! phone number 860267****, visitors and callers are welcome virtually anytime ( especially ones from washington and boston ....) if visiting please just call to confirm I am in my room ;)
I'm home... just got here couple hours ago, showered the stink of hospital off me, ate some chinese food and have been hanging out with my beautiful Lennon the whole time. Its amazing and scary to be home... dr's aren't sure I'm totally out of the woods yet and there are still quite a few things on the kidney and blood homefronts that are not at all close to normal.... but they felt comfortable sending me home so long as I follow up closely and very often with tests and my medical team.... So anyways.... can;t wait to spend the night in my own bed with my little cuddle monster.... I had to open the windows to smell the fresh east hampton air, I was so excited to see brooks pharmacy and donut depot and even Mcdonalds..... I wanted to kiss my kitchen floor when I walked in the door. Most of all I CRIED my eyes out nearly the entire way home from the happiness and mix of emotions... THere was such a long time when I thought this day would never come and it came so close to being the truth, and now suddenly here I am, Alive and sitting on my couch with my angel sleeping across my lap........ I feel so lucky and so blessed to have life.... thank you so MUCH my friends for listening and for all your thoughts and prayers for me and my family this past month and a half.... it made a big difference and I LOVE YOU ALL TREMENDEOUSLY. I will write more later, Good night, BE WELL ALL, God Bless and Take care of yourselves
Kalee (and LENNON!!!!!!!!!)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
More update.... depressed....
Current mood: crappy
Category: Life
So Dr said today I likely won't be going home this weekend... More likely NEXT week..... :( This makes me very sad....... I miss my Lennon so much... I miss my life... the rest of my family... My poor dad is getting burnt out from being down here practically 24 hours a day, I can tell.... and my momma and Addi are both sick and having to take care of Lennon.... I'm trying so hard not to get down in the dumps but this just doesn't seem to end... I am trying so much to count my blessings and be happy that I am alive (the dr just reiterated again that I would have not likely made it through this if I had waited ONE more day even to come in....... so my fleeting desire to go to the Clinc for some medicine for sure SAVED My life....) And I know I need to be so thankful that this could have had a completely different outcome.... not to mention all of the valuable lessons that this has taught me.... I'm trying to be thankful to God that I will get to be here to watch my baby grow up.... but this is all starting to wear on me emotionally in addition to physically getting tired of feeling like hell.... I JUST WANT TO GO HOME TO MY BABY......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for this burst of "woe is me"..... I hate being one of those weak sorry asses.... but I just need to get this out!! I was enjoying my life so much this summer.... Lennon and I were out riding our bike just about every day... feeding the ducks, going on slides, having such a great summer together.... I just started working on a mural at a local youth theatre group... I was getting in such good shape physically.... you should see me now... I look like I got hit by a couple of tow trucks (literally.... you should see some of this bruising) and I feel worse than I look! My poor little boy got weaned out of nowhere.... not to mention that his mommy just up and disappeared one night out of the blue and hasn't returned in a month still..... My family got the daylights scared out of them , watching me go through seizures and not sure if I was ever going to open my eyes again... I lost A FUCKING WEEK of my memory.... nothing but flashes of pain and faces.... I've had TWO Arterial catheters installed in my body, one of which will now be there for AT LEAST a month or two... I've had MRI's, LUMBRA PUNCTUREs, PIC LINES, PLASMAPHERSIS DIALYSIS, IVS, more BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS than I can count....., GOD knows how many different kinds of DRUGS and STEROIDS...... And it WILL NOT END!!!!!!!!!!
I am greatful for how lucky I am.... but I cant help but feel so very ANGRY that this happened....
I'm so not a lawsuit kind of person.... my mom thinks that once I am out of here and recovering, I should Get a lawyer and pursue that Dairy for neglegence (all signs point to that being the case...and besides me 4 others fell ill too , all kids between 7and 2 years old!) I have mixed feelings on that.... but I am so freaking MAD that I almost died and my family and I've had to go through all this hell just cause someone didn't take seriously what they were doing.... aaaarggggggggghhhh.....
I dunno.... I guess I'll figure it all out once I'm on the road to recovery more.....
physical updatewise, they still haven't figured out the belly bleeding thing but they are monitoring it... and now the past two time I have gotten my plasma treatments I have spent the entire night after in excruciating pain with these weird charley horse insense shock/ muscle spasm things in my legs from groin to toes.... They figured out its some sort of electrolyte/calcium imbalance that is being caused by the treatment and they said they can give me something to get rid of it next time.... I hope so because lastnight they gave me me the strongest painkiller they had (I wanna say Demeral?) (mainlined into an IV) and it didn't even barely take the edge off, just made the room spin all night as well... Besides that they are puzzled why I am loosing so much protein in my urine.... Apparently a sick person will sometimes lose a couple hundred protein counts.... someone with kidneys in trouble will lose 4000 or so.... I MEANWHILE am loosing I think they said around 40000protien count consistently.... and they have no idea why, cause its not a typical symptom of this illness.... so Hopefully my kidney's will stop being little jerks (lol) this week/weekend...... otherwise they are talking about biopsy's and extra steroids starting this upcoming week...... Fun stuff......
Anyways.... I guess thats enough pity party blogging out of me... Sorry for being dramatic..........I just miss you all ( especially my LENNON) and am getting real tired of having to put on a tough face and lookon the BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE..... I feel shitty, and it needed to be said at the moment..... Love you all.
well, I guess I can say something on a lighter note.... today the "art therapy" volunteer came in and let me use her oil pastels and watercolors for a couple hours.... so I got to paint/draw a picture of my beautiful little boy..... that was pretty cool and a nice release that was much needed..... Its pretty cool that they have things like that for patients.... so yeah... happy happy joy :) I wish I had a camera... I'd put up a picture of my painting... but I no have one so..... oh well... Laters
Currently listening:
Meaning Of Life
By Monty Python
Release date: 2003-09-22
Category: Life
So Dr said today I likely won't be going home this weekend... More likely NEXT week..... :( This makes me very sad....... I miss my Lennon so much... I miss my life... the rest of my family... My poor dad is getting burnt out from being down here practically 24 hours a day, I can tell.... and my momma and Addi are both sick and having to take care of Lennon.... I'm trying so hard not to get down in the dumps but this just doesn't seem to end... I am trying so much to count my blessings and be happy that I am alive (the dr just reiterated again that I would have not likely made it through this if I had waited ONE more day even to come in....... so my fleeting desire to go to the Clinc for some medicine for sure SAVED My life....) And I know I need to be so thankful that this could have had a completely different outcome.... not to mention all of the valuable lessons that this has taught me.... I'm trying to be thankful to God that I will get to be here to watch my baby grow up.... but this is all starting to wear on me emotionally in addition to physically getting tired of feeling like hell.... I JUST WANT TO GO HOME TO MY BABY......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for this burst of "woe is me"..... I hate being one of those weak sorry asses.... but I just need to get this out!! I was enjoying my life so much this summer.... Lennon and I were out riding our bike just about every day... feeding the ducks, going on slides, having such a great summer together.... I just started working on a mural at a local youth theatre group... I was getting in such good shape physically.... you should see me now... I look like I got hit by a couple of tow trucks (literally.... you should see some of this bruising) and I feel worse than I look! My poor little boy got weaned out of nowhere.... not to mention that his mommy just up and disappeared one night out of the blue and hasn't returned in a month still..... My family got the daylights scared out of them , watching me go through seizures and not sure if I was ever going to open my eyes again... I lost A FUCKING WEEK of my memory.... nothing but flashes of pain and faces.... I've had TWO Arterial catheters installed in my body, one of which will now be there for AT LEAST a month or two... I've had MRI's, LUMBRA PUNCTUREs, PIC LINES, PLASMAPHERSIS DIALYSIS, IVS, more BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS than I can count....., GOD knows how many different kinds of DRUGS and STEROIDS...... And it WILL NOT END!!!!!!!!!!
I am greatful for how lucky I am.... but I cant help but feel so very ANGRY that this happened....
I'm so not a lawsuit kind of person.... my mom thinks that once I am out of here and recovering, I should Get a lawyer and pursue that Dairy for neglegence (all signs point to that being the case...and besides me 4 others fell ill too , all kids between 7and 2 years old!) I have mixed feelings on that.... but I am so freaking MAD that I almost died and my family and I've had to go through all this hell just cause someone didn't take seriously what they were doing.... aaaarggggggggghhhh.....
I dunno.... I guess I'll figure it all out once I'm on the road to recovery more.....
physical updatewise, they still haven't figured out the belly bleeding thing but they are monitoring it... and now the past two time I have gotten my plasma treatments I have spent the entire night after in excruciating pain with these weird charley horse insense shock/ muscle spasm things in my legs from groin to toes.... They figured out its some sort of electrolyte/calcium imbalance that is being caused by the treatment and they said they can give me something to get rid of it next time.... I hope so because lastnight they gave me me the strongest painkiller they had (I wanna say Demeral?) (mainlined into an IV) and it didn't even barely take the edge off, just made the room spin all night as well... Besides that they are puzzled why I am loosing so much protein in my urine.... Apparently a sick person will sometimes lose a couple hundred protein counts.... someone with kidneys in trouble will lose 4000 or so.... I MEANWHILE am loosing I think they said around 40000protien count consistently.... and they have no idea why, cause its not a typical symptom of this illness.... so Hopefully my kidney's will stop being little jerks (lol) this week/weekend...... otherwise they are talking about biopsy's and extra steroids starting this upcoming week...... Fun stuff......
Anyways.... I guess thats enough pity party blogging out of me... Sorry for being dramatic..........I just miss you all ( especially my LENNON) and am getting real tired of having to put on a tough face and lookon the BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE..... I feel shitty, and it needed to be said at the moment..... Love you all.
well, I guess I can say something on a lighter note.... today the "art therapy" volunteer came in and let me use her oil pastels and watercolors for a couple hours.... so I got to paint/draw a picture of my beautiful little boy..... that was pretty cool and a nice release that was much needed..... Its pretty cool that they have things like that for patients.... so yeah... happy happy joy :) I wish I had a camera... I'd put up a picture of my painting... but I no have one so..... oh well... Laters
Currently listening:
Meaning Of Life
By Monty Python
Release date: 2003-09-22
SONG....
Current mood: catalyzed
Category: Music
This song has been stuck in my head all the past TWO weeks.... not sure why but thought I'd repost it......
Music & lyrics: john popper
It doesnt matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that Ill convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But Ive said nothing so far
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes
And it dont matter who you are
If Im doing my job then its your resolve that breaks
Because the hook brings you back
I aint tellin you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I dont mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much peter loved her
What made the pan refuse to grow
Was that the hook brings you back
I aint tellin you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
Suck it in suck it in suck it in
If youre rin tin tin or anne boleyn
Make a desperate move or else youll win
And then begin
To see
What youre doing to me this mtv is not for free
Its so pc its killing me
So desperately I sing to thee
Of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I cant keep these feelings on the shelf
Ive tried well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but Ive got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
Ill do as Ill decide and let it ride until Ive died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities
To the ground Ive found
I will not mess around
Unless I play then hey
I will go on all day hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
Thats really all this was
And when Im feeling stuck and need a buck
I dont rely on luck because...
The hook brings you back
I aint tellin you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely
yeah.......... i HAD WON TICKETS to a concert tonight for collective soul, blues traveler and LIVE.... I would have loved to have gone , but didn't work out.... at least my brother Andrew and little sister Addi were able to go in my place, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently listening:
Four
By Blues Traveler
Release date: 1994-09-16
Category: Music
This song has been stuck in my head all the past TWO weeks.... not sure why but thought I'd repost it......
Music & lyrics: john popper
It doesnt matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that Ill convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But Ive said nothing so far
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes
And it dont matter who you are
If Im doing my job then its your resolve that breaks
Because the hook brings you back
I aint tellin you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I dont mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much peter loved her
What made the pan refuse to grow
Was that the hook brings you back
I aint tellin you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
Suck it in suck it in suck it in
If youre rin tin tin or anne boleyn
Make a desperate move or else youll win
And then begin
To see
What youre doing to me this mtv is not for free
Its so pc its killing me
So desperately I sing to thee
Of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I cant keep these feelings on the shelf
Ive tried well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but Ive got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
Ill do as Ill decide and let it ride until Ive died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities
To the ground Ive found
I will not mess around
Unless I play then hey
I will go on all day hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
Thats really all this was
And when Im feeling stuck and need a buck
I dont rely on luck because...
The hook brings you back
I aint tellin you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely
yeah.......... i HAD WON TICKETS to a concert tonight for collective soul, blues traveler and LIVE.... I would have loved to have gone , but didn't work out.... at least my brother Andrew and little sister Addi were able to go in my place, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently listening:
Four
By Blues Traveler
Release date: 1994-09-16
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
another update from hospital...
Current mood: distractable
Category: Life
Another quick update from the hospital.... things seem to be still progressing possitively... I have some sort of internal bleed thing that is going on in my belly but they think its probably harmless and as a result of the 50 pounds or so of water weight that I'm carrying as a result of low kidney function. Besides that, all my blood counts are improving... the diseased cells are decreasing and with my treatment everything else seems to be steadily improving.... Heres some info for anyone who is curious what exactly I have going on.....
it is called HUS/TTP and usually it is something that would be found in childhood, and is some pretty rare wierd shit...theirs lots of conflicting info because it apparently is something so rarely seem that they haven't quite figured out what it is or does or why really..... here's some of what I've been able to dig up...
Hemolytic-uremic syndrome (HUS) and thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura (TTP) are microangiopathic disorders—that is, they are characterized by abnormalities (chiefly blood clots) that occur within the small blood vessels of the body. Both HUS and TTP are distinguished by blood clots within the capillaries and arterioles of many organs... -->more--> Such clotting is associated with hemolytic anemia (low red blood cell count due to cell rupture) and low numbers of platelets (cell-like bodies responsible for blood coagulation).
Hemolytic anemia results from the fragmentation of the red blood cells when they pass through areas of thrombi (masses or clots) or turbulence in the circulation. Such forces shear the cells in half, producing cell remnants that appear as helmets and other odd shapes when viewed under a microscope. In fact, the diagnosis of HUS-TTP is aided by microscopic examination of the blood for sheared red blood cells.
Causes and Risk Factors
Although the exact cause(s) of HUS and TTP are unknown, experts believe that an abnormal, inflammatory reaction within the blood stimulates the deposition of platelet-rich thrombi. It has been observed that a circulating and/or missing factor in the blood perpetuates the process. Therefore, HUS/TTP patients often benefit from treatment that removes the plasma (fluid, non-cellular part of the blood) and replaces it with donor plasma.
Many diseases and conditions have been found to spur the development of HUS and TTP, including:
* Enterohemorrhagic Escherichia coli (EHEC) infection. EHEC is a diarrhea-producing bacterium that has been associated with epidemic outbreaks of HUS in children. This particular bacterium (OH157:H7) has been identified in undercooked meat as well as other foods.
* Pneumococcal pneumonia infection
* AIDS (acquired immunodeficiency syndrome)
* Drugs, for example, oral contraceptives, chemotherapeutic medications (mitomycin C, bleomycin, cisplatinum), immunosuppressive agents used during organ transplantation (cyclosporin, tacrolimus), stroke-preventing drugs (ticlopidine hydrochloride), quinine
* Antiphospholipid antibody syndrome
* Pregnancy and the postpartum period
Signs and Symptoms
The general symptoms associated of HUS-TTP are quite variable. Purpura (bleeding into the tissues) sometimes can be seen in the skin, and patients often complain of tiredness due to anemia. Some individuals with TTP may have neurological symptoms and fever.
Children who develop hemorrhagic colitis (colon inflammation and bleeding) due to E.coli may become infected as an isolated incident or as part of a large outbreak (e.g., identifiable exposure to food such as undercooked meat). Bloody diarrhea often occurs 3 to 4 days after exposure, with abdominal pain but usually no fever.
Diagnosis
HUS and TTP usually are diagnosed by the combination of low platelets and anemia caused by hemolysis. Other findings may include fever, renal failure, and neurologic abnormalities.
Treatment
It is essential to treat HUS and TTP, as the mortality rate without treatment is close to 90%.
Treatment involves:
* Plasma exchange with fresh plasma—Plasma should be replaced on a daily basis until the platelet count normalizes—typically after 5 to 15 treatments.
* Plasma exchange with cryosupernatant of plasma—Individuals who are resistant to plasmapheresis (plasma removal and transfusion) with fresh plasma may need this more intense, twice daily regimen with plasma cryosupernatant (plasma derivative).
* Additional medication with vincristine and intravenous gammaglobulins
Relapses are not that uncommon in people who have had HUS or TTP. Such cases may require another course of treatment. One study reported a relapse risk of 36% over a 10-year period. Therefore, patients need to be followed-up indefinitely.
Children with ECHC associated HUS tend to have a self-limited disease and only require supportive care, unless there is severe or persistent disease. Prolonged follow-up in these patients is usually not necessary. Unfortunately, adults with ECHC associated HUS often require full treatment similar to that required by patients who have HUS-TTP unrelated to ECHC.
more info....
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000510.htm
HUS/TTP
http://www.emedicine.com/EMERG/topic238.htm
Yeah... the odds of getting this crap is like worse thatn being struck by lighting.... or winning the powerball, lol... Figures right! ;) but the odds of surviving... as you can see, not so hot either, so I'm going to have to count this as Luck and add it to my blessings I think....
I was able to borrow my mama's laptop for the night, so I'll probably be on here for a bit tooling around... I'm actually hooked up to this machine right nw that does my treatment with half of my blood out of me as I type..... very very strange shit... Anywho....... I hope everyone is doing well... I'm going to go try to find something to distract myself from the odd sensation that this creates... Please feel free to send fun comments and such if you are on tonight! LOVE YOU ALL!!
Category: Life
Another quick update from the hospital.... things seem to be still progressing possitively... I have some sort of internal bleed thing that is going on in my belly but they think its probably harmless and as a result of the 50 pounds or so of water weight that I'm carrying as a result of low kidney function. Besides that, all my blood counts are improving... the diseased cells are decreasing and with my treatment everything else seems to be steadily improving.... Heres some info for anyone who is curious what exactly I have going on.....
it is called HUS/TTP and usually it is something that would be found in childhood, and is some pretty rare wierd shit...theirs lots of conflicting info because it apparently is something so rarely seem that they haven't quite figured out what it is or does or why really..... here's some of what I've been able to dig up...
Hemolytic-uremic syndrome (HUS) and thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura (TTP) are microangiopathic disorders—that is, they are characterized by abnormalities (chiefly blood clots) that occur within the small blood vessels of the body. Both HUS and TTP are distinguished by blood clots within the capillaries and arterioles of many organs... -->more--> Such clotting is associated with hemolytic anemia (low red blood cell count due to cell rupture) and low numbers of platelets (cell-like bodies responsible for blood coagulation).
Hemolytic anemia results from the fragmentation of the red blood cells when they pass through areas of thrombi (masses or clots) or turbulence in the circulation. Such forces shear the cells in half, producing cell remnants that appear as helmets and other odd shapes when viewed under a microscope. In fact, the diagnosis of HUS-TTP is aided by microscopic examination of the blood for sheared red blood cells.
Causes and Risk Factors
Although the exact cause(s) of HUS and TTP are unknown, experts believe that an abnormal, inflammatory reaction within the blood stimulates the deposition of platelet-rich thrombi. It has been observed that a circulating and/or missing factor in the blood perpetuates the process. Therefore, HUS/TTP patients often benefit from treatment that removes the plasma (fluid, non-cellular part of the blood) and replaces it with donor plasma.
Many diseases and conditions have been found to spur the development of HUS and TTP, including:
* Enterohemorrhagic Escherichia coli (EHEC) infection. EHEC is a diarrhea-producing bacterium that has been associated with epidemic outbreaks of HUS in children. This particular bacterium (OH157:H7) has been identified in undercooked meat as well as other foods.
* Pneumococcal pneumonia infection
* AIDS (acquired immunodeficiency syndrome)
* Drugs, for example, oral contraceptives, chemotherapeutic medications (mitomycin C, bleomycin, cisplatinum), immunosuppressive agents used during organ transplantation (cyclosporin, tacrolimus), stroke-preventing drugs (ticlopidine hydrochloride), quinine
* Antiphospholipid antibody syndrome
* Pregnancy and the postpartum period
Signs and Symptoms
The general symptoms associated of HUS-TTP are quite variable. Purpura (bleeding into the tissues) sometimes can be seen in the skin, and patients often complain of tiredness due to anemia. Some individuals with TTP may have neurological symptoms and fever.
Children who develop hemorrhagic colitis (colon inflammation and bleeding) due to E.coli may become infected as an isolated incident or as part of a large outbreak (e.g., identifiable exposure to food such as undercooked meat). Bloody diarrhea often occurs 3 to 4 days after exposure, with abdominal pain but usually no fever.
Diagnosis
HUS and TTP usually are diagnosed by the combination of low platelets and anemia caused by hemolysis. Other findings may include fever, renal failure, and neurologic abnormalities.
Treatment
It is essential to treat HUS and TTP, as the mortality rate without treatment is close to 90%.
Treatment involves:
* Plasma exchange with fresh plasma—Plasma should be replaced on a daily basis until the platelet count normalizes—typically after 5 to 15 treatments.
* Plasma exchange with cryosupernatant of plasma—Individuals who are resistant to plasmapheresis (plasma removal and transfusion) with fresh plasma may need this more intense, twice daily regimen with plasma cryosupernatant (plasma derivative).
* Additional medication with vincristine and intravenous gammaglobulins
Relapses are not that uncommon in people who have had HUS or TTP. Such cases may require another course of treatment. One study reported a relapse risk of 36% over a 10-year period. Therefore, patients need to be followed-up indefinitely.
Children with ECHC associated HUS tend to have a self-limited disease and only require supportive care, unless there is severe or persistent disease. Prolonged follow-up in these patients is usually not necessary. Unfortunately, adults with ECHC associated HUS often require full treatment similar to that required by patients who have HUS-TTP unrelated to ECHC.
more info....
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000510.htm
HUS/TTP
http://www.emedicine.com/EMERG/topic238.htm
Yeah... the odds of getting this crap is like worse thatn being struck by lighting.... or winning the powerball, lol... Figures right! ;) but the odds of surviving... as you can see, not so hot either, so I'm going to have to count this as Luck and add it to my blessings I think....
I was able to borrow my mama's laptop for the night, so I'll probably be on here for a bit tooling around... I'm actually hooked up to this machine right nw that does my treatment with half of my blood out of me as I type..... very very strange shit... Anywho....... I hope everyone is doing well... I'm going to go try to find something to distract myself from the odd sensation that this creates... Please feel free to send fun comments and such if you are on tonight! LOVE YOU ALL!!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
My update from the hospital - From Kalee
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
Hello everyone, It is actually me Kalee this time. I am still hospital bound but feeling a little better everyday. Its been a very very hard painful and terrifying road the past month, but believe it or not , one I would not change a thing about. I have had so much time to do some serious soul searching that I feel like I have morphed into a brand new person... I guess staring death in his big ole bloodshot eyes will do that to a person..... The roughest past of this has been being away from Lennon..... its been around a month since I've really been with him...Which sadly (and obviously among other things) means he was involuntarily weaned... and today he came to visit for the first time and cried and wanted nothing to do with me... I guess it's to be expected based on the circumstances....
Meanwhile the rest of my bonds with my family have grown and strengthed in ways I never could have concieved.......I have a very limited batterey life to be writing here so I can't really go into details of my sickness, but suffice to say that its one of those diseases that there is not textbook on and its a 50 50 crapshoot..shot at making it through..... some of my treatment involves removing all of my blood and plasma and replacing it with donor plasma, to keep my kidneys from shutting down.... sort of like dialysis.... DOn't want to scare you all too much, and so far it is working so its a good thing!! my battery is low, but I just wanted to touch base with everyone and let you all know I'm still alive and kicking.... not planning on leaving you all anytime soon! I've realized how much more living I NEED to do and I'm fighting this monster with all I got in me. on some positive notes, I have met some absolutely amazing people during all of this. One or two that I could concieve of being lifelong friends with,and others that I'll probably never see again but who have changed me forever for the better. I have seen love and compassion in this place that I've had never concieved existed.... Which is why............... I have decided that my calling in life is to become a NURSE. As soon as I am back on my feet I have decided to attend nursing school! It goes much deeper that I can explain here, but the things I have seen and people I have met have inspired me so much and the more I think about it it and meditate on it the more sense it makes for my life and who I need to be to be fulfilled. I plan on incorporating my love of all things hippie and natural of course, but I have learned so much about the very necessary place of western medicine and how the two could be used in conjunction to save so many lifes and give care and comfort..... Anyways I ramble as usual (some things will never change ;)) I have a few other things I need to do before my battery dies...... I just want to finish up by telling you all I loved you so much and am so very greateful to know you all and to be so lucky to be abe to be here to tell you all this... Please don't take life for granted... take it from me that it is the most precious and fragile thing..... Make the most of it, I intend to from here on out.... The hope is that i'll be out of here is the next week or two.... In the meantime I would love and welcome any visitors and company... I'm a little puffy and mishapen but II'm feeling more life myself each day! I'm at hartford hospital and have been moving rooms quite a bit but If you ask for mmy info at the desk you should be able to track me down. Currently I am in Bliss 1126-2 and my direct linw is 8605450673. I look forward to hearing from some of you all! These four walls are getting a little old! ;))) Love and Peace my friends!
Currently reading:
Running With Scissors
By Augusten Burroughs
Category: Life
Hello everyone, It is actually me Kalee this time. I am still hospital bound but feeling a little better everyday. Its been a very very hard painful and terrifying road the past month, but believe it or not , one I would not change a thing about. I have had so much time to do some serious soul searching that I feel like I have morphed into a brand new person... I guess staring death in his big ole bloodshot eyes will do that to a person..... The roughest past of this has been being away from Lennon..... its been around a month since I've really been with him...Which sadly (and obviously among other things) means he was involuntarily weaned... and today he came to visit for the first time and cried and wanted nothing to do with me... I guess it's to be expected based on the circumstances....
Meanwhile the rest of my bonds with my family have grown and strengthed in ways I never could have concieved.......I have a very limited batterey life to be writing here so I can't really go into details of my sickness, but suffice to say that its one of those diseases that there is not textbook on and its a 50 50 crapshoot..shot at making it through..... some of my treatment involves removing all of my blood and plasma and replacing it with donor plasma, to keep my kidneys from shutting down.... sort of like dialysis.... DOn't want to scare you all too much, and so far it is working so its a good thing!! my battery is low, but I just wanted to touch base with everyone and let you all know I'm still alive and kicking.... not planning on leaving you all anytime soon! I've realized how much more living I NEED to do and I'm fighting this monster with all I got in me. on some positive notes, I have met some absolutely amazing people during all of this. One or two that I could concieve of being lifelong friends with,and others that I'll probably never see again but who have changed me forever for the better. I have seen love and compassion in this place that I've had never concieved existed.... Which is why............... I have decided that my calling in life is to become a NURSE. As soon as I am back on my feet I have decided to attend nursing school! It goes much deeper that I can explain here, but the things I have seen and people I have met have inspired me so much and the more I think about it it and meditate on it the more sense it makes for my life and who I need to be to be fulfilled. I plan on incorporating my love of all things hippie and natural of course, but I have learned so much about the very necessary place of western medicine and how the two could be used in conjunction to save so many lifes and give care and comfort..... Anyways I ramble as usual (some things will never change ;)) I have a few other things I need to do before my battery dies...... I just want to finish up by telling you all I loved you so much and am so very greateful to know you all and to be so lucky to be abe to be here to tell you all this... Please don't take life for granted... take it from me that it is the most precious and fragile thing..... Make the most of it, I intend to from here on out.... The hope is that i'll be out of here is the next week or two.... In the meantime I would love and welcome any visitors and company... I'm a little puffy and mishapen but II'm feeling more life myself each day! I'm at hartford hospital and have been moving rooms quite a bit but If you ask for mmy info at the desk you should be able to track me down. Currently I am in Bliss 1126-2 and my direct linw is 8605450673. I look forward to hearing from some of you all! These four walls are getting a little old! ;))) Love and Peace my friends!
Currently reading:
Running With Scissors
By Augusten Burroughs
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