keep pretending...

Current mood: discontent



I keep pretending..
That things don't bother me...
that we still have a relationship...despite the years and miles...
I keep pretending that it doesn't hurt...

I keep pretending.... and I know without a doubt
that someday I will get my act together...
that I am so sure of who I am at whatever given point in time...
that I am not terrified of being alone for the rest of my life... that I'm not terrified of death...
that I'm not terrified of failure and success... yes and no....
and I keep pretending that the ultimate terror is not LIFE and the simple act of living it...

I keep pretending...
that I don't need anyone as I push them away...
that I know my ass from my elbow..
that I was abused with intent and with a purpose...
that I'm not totally and completely overwhelmed by being a mom at times..
by being a person at times..
and that whenever I shoot off at the mouth it is with the best of intentions...

I keep pretending that I'm not lonely...

keep pretending that I'm not in pain inside and out..

keep pretending that everything is okay and if not, that it will be someday...

I keep pretending that I am immune to the human condition in all its facets...

I keep pretending that I am a vegetarian eating a healthy diet with a healthy lifestyle... though the photographs would tell otherwise...

I keep pretending that I have something to teach...

that I am unique...

that I am not just another sheep....

another desperate single mom...

sometimes a terrible mom...

another welfare check...

another selfish act in a selfish life...

another complete and total failure....

I keep pretending that these tears aren't real...

and that this fear is not there...

I keep pretending....

............................. and it'll all be okay...