From 32,000 feet... OR "aren't we each a who?"

I try really hard to picture it differently... the Brown furry patches instead spread across the whole of this living breathing speck... sprinkles and splashes of imperfectly perfect blue green scattered about... No Patchwork... no flecks of white and flashes of cold silver... Wrinkles from the strain of trying to up heave her illness... or piles dumped there by an elephant flicking the dust of his shoulder... And then the haze thickens and for the time being it is hard to see clearly again...

All I know is that with each answer received the questions multiply. Maybe we cling to each other because we are so desperate to convince ourselves of our significance on this little ball of muck where it is so obvious that we are naught but some sort of freakishly mutated out of control virus... Significance to stoke our egos...even if it is simply in the eyes of another mite. Are the ant's lives more important to most of US just because it is quite probable that they “love” each other? Does it stay the 6 year old’s canvas hightop?

I kept picturing this huge foot coming down from the sky… as it would look for the bugs when I trek though a patch of damp mossy ground… It’s amazing how much trees look just like moss from this height….. It scares me and fascinates me… the possibilities for what it all means are terrifying… But if we see that we could be hurtling out of control talking to the great pachyderm in the sky… how can we not be terrified? And if we are terrified how can we function? Better yet, what is the function of a smudge on the tip of a bullet? So is it living to function? Or to fight against the external pressure to function… and if the bullet has already left the gun than what is the point of EITHER? ….. I ask myself “If you have to ask ‘what does it mean to truly live’ does it mean that whatever you are doing isn't it?” The paradox presents itself once more… the insanity of the juxtaposition of the sheer horror and unbelievable beauty of this world within and without us... If we recognize that we are a tiny part of a very small smudge on something so much larger than anything we can comprehend, how can we continue on with “normal” life? How can we see one without also seeing the other.... I believe the answer is that we can't... Either our eyes are both open. Or they are BOTH closed, and we are lost in our slumbers... living in our dreams.

Some days I wonder if I am still asleep... I've heard the alarm clock enough times that if I'm not awake yet I must be a pretty heavy sleeper... I sure hope I’m not… I’d hate to miss out on all the "living" I might do… The canned air is becoming harder to breathe… And the seat beneath me jolts me from my page for a moment… From two rows forward I watch the stream of golden drops collide with the silver hair of the woman in the seat just in front of me... saw the mama cringing and heard the baby coo... and then we all laugh. Because we've ALL been there.

-K Prue
Written November 8th in transit from CT to GA...

one final thought on falling...

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

First, in my confusion, I thought that the blackness I had seen while falling from my body was reason to fear death.... that it meant that there was nothing more after this life has left us... these houses have passed away.... but now I have realized it is confirmation for me of the exact opposite... confirmation of what I had long since suspected: that our experience in death is relative to our experiences in this life.....

The darkness was there in that moment because it was not yet my time.... if I had let go and let myself fall it would have been out of cowardice... I would have died the same way that I had lived up until that moment... RUNNING blindly and in fear... terrified of feeling any pain... scared of facing tommorrow... and in doing so running right into the grip of the dark forces in life that I was trying to escape.... I believe it is the same in life as in death.... my life was not finished... my purposes not yet fully completed... to die would have been the final act of selfishness in a life so often played with little regard for any feeling outside my own bubble.... This was truely my second chance at life... and my most urgent motivation to truely live...

RIP Christine Prue...

Current mood: sad

this is my cousin... I wish I had gotten to know her better... :( RIP Christine, I am sure you are in a better place now and able to be with your mom and sister... God bless you and your family...

Woman, 24, Dies In East Haddam Crash
POSTED: 9:10 am EDT September 27,2008
....
..
..EAST HADDAM, Conn. -- A 24-year-old driver is dead after a one-car crash Saturday morning.Police said Christine Prue was driving on Route 149 near Elie Chapman Road when she veered off the road and struck a tree head-on. Prue was taken to Hartford Hospital, where she was pronounced dead.........

The cause of the crash is under investigation.

Currently listening:
Tears in Heaven
By Eric Clapton
Release date: 1998-06-30

TERROR

Current mood: intense

SO I was lying awake last night... 4 AM... after waking up and getting caught by my thoughts.... This has been a constant since two weeks ago when I quit my Trazadone that I had been taking since the hospital for sleep/nightmare control..... and it came to me why I feel so changed now....

I've been trying to put my finger on this feeling... this physical and simultaneously emotional sensation that I can conjure up at will now... I'd never felt it before.... not fully.... its a feeling that one cannot explain to anyone else... it is completely beyond description.... and I finally figured out what that feeling is.... and in the context of my life so many puzzle pieces finally clicked together....

TERROR.

absolute and sheer terror.... (I know it's an ironic subject to post about today of all days...)

I'd never felt it before.... and I honestly don't think that many people have... unless you've come so close to death that you could FEEL it... taste it... smell and touch it.... you may have an idea of what it feels life.... but you likely can't even begin to know it's full potential.....it's the most horrible feeling ever...

I'm not implying now that DEATH in itself is bad.... in theory I understand that it is a part of life.. that it is inevitable... that it is part of the greater cycle.. plan... circle, call it what you will.... but for me, it has made me realize how absolutely terrified I AM of it.... I thought that I had made some sort of peace with it... I thought that I had accepted it.... I thought that with all of my spiritual searching that I had reached some level of understanding of Death... this summer has made me realize that its all BS.... I've been deluding myself.... all I've done is the same as everyone else... pretended that it is irrelevant and non existent and all the while have let it control every aspect of my life....

Its amazing how much humanity is controled by something so simple as the fear of death.... our entire society is built around it.... every culture in the human world...

can we even imagine what life on this planet would be like if we stopped fearing death?

I can't... I only know my own horror at facing it is so intense that the mere thought can choke me now... it wraps around my throat... my entire body.... it interrupts the rhythm of my heart beat.... wakes me from deep sleep... makes the room shake around me... the contents of my stomach rise to my throat..... makes me feel absolute disgust at the sensation of my own fingers upon my flesh...

I am terrified of disappearing.... terrified of the unknown.... terrified of being another irrelevant human animal come and gone in a moment of time..... and I don't know how I'll ever be able to really live unless I can overcome this.... I guess the first step is that I've realized how much power it has over me... I don't know what else to say but..

I don't want to DIE..... I don't want to die.... I don't wanna die.