A letter to you.
Can you imagine that YOU are the you I am speaking to?
Well YOU are.
YOU.
Yeah, YOU.
You, my lonely loner lover, loving blooming girl with the long long hair and the crumbling stone tower around her bandaid heart.
You, the band geek boy with the boner behind the notebook, the topsy turvy smile, and the heart of gold the most valuable bit in your pocket.
You, the wounded broody mama, without the energy or desire to still nurse baby chicks but without the will to leave the crowded nest.
You, the one I grew with… the one I died by… fingers to the bone and crying eyes, who has begged the empty skies to open up and take him instead of the rest…
You, the sister and brother behind your glass walls, littered in red stamped letters, dollar signs and fake smiles… Choking back tears and forgetting dreams of mountaintops…
You, the brother and sister who feel something is missing, and something is very wrong with everything you know. Filling holes and spaces with more play, nothingness, and a beer.
You, the brother and sister-who-never-was… I LOVE YOU. I love you truly. I love you BOTH. I love you all. And what more need be said that is not already known.
You the brother and sister, young still in heart and mind, but stuck in all the couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, don’t, won’t, can’t, haven’ts of a broken world, numbing the pain and dulling your wits.
You, the sister sometimes with an s… always trying to catch up to the long tan legs in front of you… turning heads and taunting hearts… running from the wrinkle in time…
You, the friends of times gone by, still carved on each others memories, names and faces, dates and places,
Torn by change… “I knew she’d never change”, “I wish she woulda or wouldn’t have changed” and the occasional “I wish I could change”.
And yes, maybe it’s even You, the baseball cap or blonde bangs in passing… the 5 “hello”s at a party, in the hall, or in the IGA. Or the pair of eyes attached to the mind I may have linked with for 30 seconds at a festival 5 days or 5 years ago…
It could be YOU. It might be you? It is YOU.
YOU.
YOU are fucked up. You are cut and scratched. Dented and bruised. Malicious, Manipulative and Manipulated. Used and Reused. Unholy thoughts and unintentional lies. Unfathomable jealousies and indisputable insecurities. You are the tortured and torturer in turn. You are the very same breeding ground of everything vile and nasty within the human race. You are the embodiment of every abomination… in your mind. You are somebodies fool. You are just another nobody in a sea of faces….
And I LOVE YOU.
You are BEAUTIFUL. You are BLESSED and a BLESSING. You are magnificent in your UnIqUeNeSS, You are POWERFUL. You are STRONG and SENSUAL. You ARE Energy. You are AMAZING and BRILLIANT. You are LOVED beyond your wildest dreams, and you are capable of astounding, astronomical, amounts of LOVE. You are YOU and you are the best and most qualified at that job, even if in your own way, YOU aren’t quite up to the task at the present…. And my hope for you is that you know that, discover that, and always believe that. You are a lovely, lovely, loving, creature created of LOVE. And LOVE is the one and only answer my Dearest.
So my BELOVED YOU…. I want to ask you a few questions about wants and needs… What do YOU want. If you could have it all…. What do YOU really want? If you got it would you know it? Would you want it? Would you abuse it? Fear it? Love it? Would you turn and bolt? Would you embrace a new reality? A smile in your heart or a new burden on your shoulders? Thoughts? The lottery? The perfect mate? Sixty pounds and new pair of knees? The super fly car with all the fixings? The house on the hill? The farm down the road? The shanty in the mountains? The workshop in the sunshine? The same last name? The respect you deserve? The perfect religion? If you had it tomorrow.. If it arrived on a train or on your bank statement… what baggage would be dangling from it’s hands? Would it be what you thought it would? Would it lighten your life? Add light to your life? Or would it be another cloud to block the sun? another nail in your coffin? Another bug in your spoiled, spilled milk? You could still be happy couldn’t you? I’d bet you could. So what is it you want? ……You know you want something. SOMETHING. What is it? What is IT? Is it what you NEED? So what DO you NEED? Is it the same as what you Want? Do your needs and wants see eye to eye? Or given the chance would your wants and needs arrange to have each other drawn and quartered? If you got what you needed but it wasn’t what you’d wanted to need would you still keep it? Adjust your wants to fit your needs? Wants…. Needs… they sound so much alike… and yet so different. Do you need anything? Do you have everything you need? If not, what are you lacking? Why is it crucial to your happiness? How can you change yourself to either find or have what you need or so that you need less. Want less? What will it take for you to be happy? Perfect Health? Money? Love, my love? My love….If you don’t know……… isn’t it time to find out?
Love ALWAYS,
Kalee
God, Goddess, and CEO of Heartswiseaunti Industries.
observations, thoughts, poems, and perspectives... from within my fishbowl and without...
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
From 32,000 feet... OR "aren't we each a who?"
I try really hard to picture it differently... the Brown furry patches instead spread across the whole of this living breathing speck... sprinkles and splashes of imperfectly perfect blue green scattered about... No Patchwork... no flecks of white and flashes of cold silver... Wrinkles from the strain of trying to up heave her illness... or piles dumped there by an elephant flicking the dust of his shoulder... And then the haze thickens and for the time being it is hard to see clearly again...
All I know is that with each answer received the questions multiply. Maybe we cling to each other because we are so desperate to convince ourselves of our significance on this little ball of muck where it is so obvious that we are naught but some sort of freakishly mutated out of control virus... Significance to stoke our egos...even if it is simply in the eyes of another mite. Are the ant's lives more important to most of US just because it is quite probable that they “love” each other? Does it stay the 6 year old’s canvas hightop?
I kept picturing this huge foot coming down from the sky… as it would look for the bugs when I trek though a patch of damp mossy ground… It’s amazing how much trees look just like moss from this height….. It scares me and fascinates me… the possibilities for what it all means are terrifying… But if we see that we could be hurtling out of control talking to the great pachyderm in the sky… how can we not be terrified? And if we are terrified how can we function? Better yet, what is the function of a smudge on the tip of a bullet? So is it living to function? Or to fight against the external pressure to function… and if the bullet has already left the gun than what is the point of EITHER? ….. I ask myself “If you have to ask ‘what does it mean to truly live’ does it mean that whatever you are doing isn't it?” The paradox presents itself once more… the insanity of the juxtaposition of the sheer horror and unbelievable beauty of this world within and without us... If we recognize that we are a tiny part of a very small smudge on something so much larger than anything we can comprehend, how can we continue on with “normal” life? How can we see one without also seeing the other.... I believe the answer is that we can't... Either our eyes are both open. Or they are BOTH closed, and we are lost in our slumbers... living in our dreams.
Some days I wonder if I am still asleep... I've heard the alarm clock enough times that if I'm not awake yet I must be a pretty heavy sleeper... I sure hope I’m not… I’d hate to miss out on all the "living" I might do… The canned air is becoming harder to breathe… And the seat beneath me jolts me from my page for a moment… From two rows forward I watch the stream of golden drops collide with the silver hair of the woman in the seat just in front of me... saw the mama cringing and heard the baby coo... and then we all laugh. Because we've ALL been there.
-K Prue
Written November 8th in transit from CT to GA...
All I know is that with each answer received the questions multiply. Maybe we cling to each other because we are so desperate to convince ourselves of our significance on this little ball of muck where it is so obvious that we are naught but some sort of freakishly mutated out of control virus... Significance to stoke our egos...even if it is simply in the eyes of another mite. Are the ant's lives more important to most of US just because it is quite probable that they “love” each other? Does it stay the 6 year old’s canvas hightop?
I kept picturing this huge foot coming down from the sky… as it would look for the bugs when I trek though a patch of damp mossy ground… It’s amazing how much trees look just like moss from this height….. It scares me and fascinates me… the possibilities for what it all means are terrifying… But if we see that we could be hurtling out of control talking to the great pachyderm in the sky… how can we not be terrified? And if we are terrified how can we function? Better yet, what is the function of a smudge on the tip of a bullet? So is it living to function? Or to fight against the external pressure to function… and if the bullet has already left the gun than what is the point of EITHER? ….. I ask myself “If you have to ask ‘what does it mean to truly live’ does it mean that whatever you are doing isn't it?” The paradox presents itself once more… the insanity of the juxtaposition of the sheer horror and unbelievable beauty of this world within and without us... If we recognize that we are a tiny part of a very small smudge on something so much larger than anything we can comprehend, how can we continue on with “normal” life? How can we see one without also seeing the other.... I believe the answer is that we can't... Either our eyes are both open. Or they are BOTH closed, and we are lost in our slumbers... living in our dreams.
Some days I wonder if I am still asleep... I've heard the alarm clock enough times that if I'm not awake yet I must be a pretty heavy sleeper... I sure hope I’m not… I’d hate to miss out on all the "living" I might do… The canned air is becoming harder to breathe… And the seat beneath me jolts me from my page for a moment… From two rows forward I watch the stream of golden drops collide with the silver hair of the woman in the seat just in front of me... saw the mama cringing and heard the baby coo... and then we all laugh. Because we've ALL been there.
-K Prue
Written November 8th in transit from CT to GA...
Friday, June 12, 2009
Websters Dictionary Version 2. AM
A definition: Alone (Noun)
my own hand and 2 AM
and pillows hold lots of tears
desperately trying not to become desperate
approaching lengthening years
when night falls I can hear it
a sadness that lingers near
is it raining there, cuz it's raining...
and it sure is raining here.
the fictions and the fantasies
the vividness so real
I wonder this I wonder that
I wonder how he feels...
and loneliness oh lonely
her face once just a song
but everyday (every night) I know her more
and she's beginning to stay too long
it's 2 AM... and I can't sleep.
I can only think in verse now
and I'll try to forget what I'd wanted to keep
but I can't remember how
rock me to sleep with a pillow and a hand
on my breast and on my head
so the dreams, all the dreams
of a patchwork heart
may descend upon my bed....
my own hand and 2 AM
and pillows hold lots of tears
desperately trying not to become desperate
approaching lengthening years
when night falls I can hear it
a sadness that lingers near
is it raining there, cuz it's raining...
and it sure is raining here.
the fictions and the fantasies
the vividness so real
I wonder this I wonder that
I wonder how he feels...
and loneliness oh lonely
her face once just a song
but everyday (every night) I know her more
and she's beginning to stay too long
it's 2 AM... and I can't sleep.
I can only think in verse now
and I'll try to forget what I'd wanted to keep
but I can't remember how
rock me to sleep with a pillow and a hand
on my breast and on my head
so the dreams, all the dreams
of a patchwork heart
may descend upon my bed....
Monday, August 18, 2008
FUTURE...
Current mood:HONEST
Category: Life
This is what I see.... have realized from this experience I have recently lived through to tell......
THIS is what I want...
A little old farm house.... not too tiny but comfortably cozy, maybe a little shabby and saggy, but well loved and taken care of.... with walls of our own that I can take as much paint and brushes to as my heart needs.... with a big ole overgrown jungly garden leading to the front door... flowers, and big leafy bushy plants and flowery leafy trees and shrubbery....
I want Lennon and perhaps a lil more young'uns to run in a big big space of land... trees to climb, fruits and veggies to pic.... I want to school them as best we can in the ways of the world, or nature, and of life.... as partners... equals.... friends....
I want a BIG BIG garden... fruits and veggies galor.... more than enough to eat, share...maybe even sell.....
I want to spend several months of the year just traveling around in an earthlovin vehicle, selling my parents (and at that point OURs too) Jewelry at fairs and fests around the country.... maybe further.
I want to go to nursing school and in off months nurse on my own terms, my own hours, part time....
I want my partner to do whatever his heart desires to do in off months to keep bringing in enough to help us live as well.... but also to feel free enough to enjoy life and all his passions... cause I'll be doing the same....
I want to play my music, write my thoughts, paint my mind on anything and everything... make things from trash... learn all sorts of things... dance, sing, and smile as often as possible.
I want to stay in new england.... likely CT, possibly RI, VT, or MA.... but still close enough that my family is NO MORE than an hour away TOPS......
I've realized a few other things... I'm not as "close" to some of my family as I'd like... but I LOVE them more than anything, and I KNOW that they feel the same.... and the few intimate conversations that I HAVE HAD with each and eevery one of them at one point of another in the recent year or two leads me to believe that the potential for great friendships.. REAL FRIENDSHIPS are there.... and I'm not will to give up on that.... just as they were not willing to give up on me during recent events.....
Thus, why I will be staying close by wherever they all may be congregated.... its not my zip code that matters in the slightest.... and I may live in the heart of a beast of a state in the epicenter of what is rapidly becoming a beast of a country... but 90% of the people Lennon and I love in this world and vice versa are here.... and so will I be.
I have realized that I can KNOW and keep up to date on what is happening in this world around me.... and I can CHOOSE every day of my life to NOT participate as MUCH as possible, but that paranoia and a complete refusal to LIVE lest you somehow support an evil system you don't agree with is futile... it accomplishes nothing more than putting one in a constant state of FEAR and produces an inability to live any sort of meaningful existance.... YES the system SUCKS... yes it is run by terrible evil people.... yes corporations suck.... and politicians don't give a shit about any of us..... yes the world may end tommorrow... the government may start busting down doors and hauling off the trouble makersor "terrorists".... and yes they are trying to make slaves of us ALL...... and I can CHOOSE to think what I want and do what I want about that... I choose to find some niches where I can still BUILD a future for my family and I.... be prepared mentally and physically for any shit that may go down... live as close to nature as I can without becoming Grizzly Adam's wife... refuse to shop at big businesses as much as possible... and all the other numerous things that are within MY ABILITY to do to existiin this fucked up world without losing my sanity... There's this cheesy ass country song I heard once and the chorus has been stuck in my head since the night before I suffered a massive seizure that almost claimed my life... I have no idea what any of the rest of the words are but the chorus goes like this:
You CAN spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm can come and blow it all away
BUILD IT ANYWAYS
thats what I intend to do with my second chance I have been given....
I have realized that my purpose in life was NEVER to be a corporate "yes man"... a coffee slinger... a telephone answerer or any other MEANINGLESS existance.... and on the same token I do not believe it is to be anyone who's name will ever be mentioned in ANY history book... not a famous world shaking anything.... I am not a gandhi, a john lennon, or an MLK..... but I will CHANGE the world through small acts of kindness and compassion.... because someone has to, and because the small things are going to be what changes the world... not a glorified leader.... the little people who do little things every day, like let someone out into traffic, or tell a scared sick person with demetia for the 20th time with love and patience in their voice where there are, or wipe someone elses ass because they can't do it for themselves.... or spend their days nursing sick children even though half of them won't survive and the pain of that loss will have to be felt over and over by said nurse...someone has to do these things... these are the acts in life that have MEANING.... that will make the world just a little better place for our babies to grow in....
The last thing I've realized... there is someone I LOVE with all my heart that is not near me.... he knows who he is. someone I have felt this unexplainable bond with since we were kids... someone I have always pictured as a piece of my soul and vice versa.... someone who once said the most amazing thing I had or have ever heard in my life... "I want to climb inside you so you'll never be lonely" (you already ARE...) ... And I want something from this person that I know could be considered so selfish.... I know that there are factors already concieved in other worlds that have come into play.... and I know what I ask... and the compromises which would need to be made.... and I wish I could be the one to make a great sacrifce... but I've tried planning it so many times and I CAN'T... for reasons stated... and I remember when you asked me what I thought you should do 2 years ago...and I said nothing though I wanted to SCREAM for you to STAY... just stay here... that you could be mate and daddy right here.... not step... daddy. I remember a campfire and a walk when I wished it was you I was sitting besides.... I remember crying so many nights when I have wished it was you sleeping besides me and I remember all the times we tried and the timing was never right... and I try not to live in the past... and I've tried moving on to others... many times.... but its ALWAYS been YOU.
and so I ask of you the one last thing I want out of this life... with every trial and trouble and sacrifice that may come of it... I ask for one last chance.... another TRY at standing besides you as the other half to "OUR"... as mates, friends, and partners with all the honesty, OPENNESS, faith hope, love, integrity, equality, RESPECT, and strength that comes from having a REAL TRUE human relationship, the kind you an I have had for years with each other, and never with another... and if this cannot or will not be the case I ask for nothing more than such an answer... and I will ask my heart to let me move on from this constant ache for you that I carry with me everyday....
this is what I want. What do you want?
Currently reading:
The Poisonwood Bible
By Barbara Kingsolver
Category: Life
This is what I see.... have realized from this experience I have recently lived through to tell......
THIS is what I want...
A little old farm house.... not too tiny but comfortably cozy, maybe a little shabby and saggy, but well loved and taken care of.... with walls of our own that I can take as much paint and brushes to as my heart needs.... with a big ole overgrown jungly garden leading to the front door... flowers, and big leafy bushy plants and flowery leafy trees and shrubbery....
I want Lennon and perhaps a lil more young'uns to run in a big big space of land... trees to climb, fruits and veggies to pic.... I want to school them as best we can in the ways of the world, or nature, and of life.... as partners... equals.... friends....
I want a BIG BIG garden... fruits and veggies galor.... more than enough to eat, share...maybe even sell.....
I want to spend several months of the year just traveling around in an earthlovin vehicle, selling my parents (and at that point OURs too) Jewelry at fairs and fests around the country.... maybe further.
I want to go to nursing school and in off months nurse on my own terms, my own hours, part time....
I want my partner to do whatever his heart desires to do in off months to keep bringing in enough to help us live as well.... but also to feel free enough to enjoy life and all his passions... cause I'll be doing the same....
I want to play my music, write my thoughts, paint my mind on anything and everything... make things from trash... learn all sorts of things... dance, sing, and smile as often as possible.
I want to stay in new england.... likely CT, possibly RI, VT, or MA.... but still close enough that my family is NO MORE than an hour away TOPS......
I've realized a few other things... I'm not as "close" to some of my family as I'd like... but I LOVE them more than anything, and I KNOW that they feel the same.... and the few intimate conversations that I HAVE HAD with each and eevery one of them at one point of another in the recent year or two leads me to believe that the potential for great friendships.. REAL FRIENDSHIPS are there.... and I'm not will to give up on that.... just as they were not willing to give up on me during recent events.....
Thus, why I will be staying close by wherever they all may be congregated.... its not my zip code that matters in the slightest.... and I may live in the heart of a beast of a state in the epicenter of what is rapidly becoming a beast of a country... but 90% of the people Lennon and I love in this world and vice versa are here.... and so will I be.
I have realized that I can KNOW and keep up to date on what is happening in this world around me.... and I can CHOOSE every day of my life to NOT participate as MUCH as possible, but that paranoia and a complete refusal to LIVE lest you somehow support an evil system you don't agree with is futile... it accomplishes nothing more than putting one in a constant state of FEAR and produces an inability to live any sort of meaningful existance.... YES the system SUCKS... yes it is run by terrible evil people.... yes corporations suck.... and politicians don't give a shit about any of us..... yes the world may end tommorrow... the government may start busting down doors and hauling off the trouble makersor "terrorists".... and yes they are trying to make slaves of us ALL...... and I can CHOOSE to think what I want and do what I want about that... I choose to find some niches where I can still BUILD a future for my family and I.... be prepared mentally and physically for any shit that may go down... live as close to nature as I can without becoming Grizzly Adam's wife... refuse to shop at big businesses as much as possible... and all the other numerous things that are within MY ABILITY to do to existiin this fucked up world without losing my sanity... There's this cheesy ass country song I heard once and the chorus has been stuck in my head since the night before I suffered a massive seizure that almost claimed my life... I have no idea what any of the rest of the words are but the chorus goes like this:
You CAN spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm can come and blow it all away
BUILD IT ANYWAYS
thats what I intend to do with my second chance I have been given....
I have realized that my purpose in life was NEVER to be a corporate "yes man"... a coffee slinger... a telephone answerer or any other MEANINGLESS existance.... and on the same token I do not believe it is to be anyone who's name will ever be mentioned in ANY history book... not a famous world shaking anything.... I am not a gandhi, a john lennon, or an MLK..... but I will CHANGE the world through small acts of kindness and compassion.... because someone has to, and because the small things are going to be what changes the world... not a glorified leader.... the little people who do little things every day, like let someone out into traffic, or tell a scared sick person with demetia for the 20th time with love and patience in their voice where there are, or wipe someone elses ass because they can't do it for themselves.... or spend their days nursing sick children even though half of them won't survive and the pain of that loss will have to be felt over and over by said nurse...someone has to do these things... these are the acts in life that have MEANING.... that will make the world just a little better place for our babies to grow in....
The last thing I've realized... there is someone I LOVE with all my heart that is not near me.... he knows who he is. someone I have felt this unexplainable bond with since we were kids... someone I have always pictured as a piece of my soul and vice versa.... someone who once said the most amazing thing I had or have ever heard in my life... "I want to climb inside you so you'll never be lonely" (you already ARE...) ... And I want something from this person that I know could be considered so selfish.... I know that there are factors already concieved in other worlds that have come into play.... and I know what I ask... and the compromises which would need to be made.... and I wish I could be the one to make a great sacrifce... but I've tried planning it so many times and I CAN'T... for reasons stated... and I remember when you asked me what I thought you should do 2 years ago...and I said nothing though I wanted to SCREAM for you to STAY... just stay here... that you could be mate and daddy right here.... not step... daddy. I remember a campfire and a walk when I wished it was you I was sitting besides.... I remember crying so many nights when I have wished it was you sleeping besides me and I remember all the times we tried and the timing was never right... and I try not to live in the past... and I've tried moving on to others... many times.... but its ALWAYS been YOU.
and so I ask of you the one last thing I want out of this life... with every trial and trouble and sacrifice that may come of it... I ask for one last chance.... another TRY at standing besides you as the other half to "OUR"... as mates, friends, and partners with all the honesty, OPENNESS, faith hope, love, integrity, equality, RESPECT, and strength that comes from having a REAL TRUE human relationship, the kind you an I have had for years with each other, and never with another... and if this cannot or will not be the case I ask for nothing more than such an answer... and I will ask my heart to let me move on from this constant ache for you that I carry with me everyday....
this is what I want. What do you want?
Currently reading:
The Poisonwood Bible
By Barbara Kingsolver
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