Namas-fucking-te you walking contradictions.

Oh Ego, you are a tricky motherfucker.

Everywhere I look lately, I am seeing signs that tell me to shed my need to cultivate an image of perfection. I went to post something less than spiritual and blissful yesterday on my facebook status, and just before I posted it, I hit "cancel". Then I sat and thought for a minute about why I felt I couldn't share something that spoke to me in that moment... IMAGE. Plain and simple. Over the past few months in particular, things have been going really well in my life. Interesting people and situations are pouring into my world in abundance. I've been feeling really good most of the time energetically. I'm finding my roots and growing in ways that have been a long time coming... During this time I have written and published several poems and articles that have explored some deep recesses of my heart and soul. I have spent time in places that have broken the cracks in my being wide open. Have connected with many beautiful humans, and have experienced a few particularly intimate encounters that have been massive sources of growth and joy in my life. For all of this, and for my life in general, for my family, my health, my friends, and my connection to the divine, I have enormous gratitude. Most of my posts these days on social media consist of expressing this gratitude, exposing bits of vulnerability, allowing myself to unabashedly share my inner strength, spoken out loud to the world through my keyboard and onto your screen.

Its been an amazing ride. I have received so much support and acknowledgement from men and women from all over the earth, those I have know for years, and those I have never met, but that my words have connected with. For these connections and responses... for this incredible support, I have never felt more blessed in my life. But this grateful, wise, strong me is NOT the sum of who I am. My ego tries to tell me that this holier, shinier version of me is the only one I should embrace, should be only moving in ways that encourage her growth. That my less than holy thoughts should not be expressed. That I might alienate all these people who have recently been such a source of uplifting support. Perhaps a wise and strong woman should not talk about the days that nothing was accomplished because of my lack of motivation... my laziness. Or that a secure and self loving woman should not in moments of weakness and desperation share with the public eye that though I am self loving, and self respecting, sometimes I feel so lonely and in need of a lover, of a partner, that my sadness consumes me for a time. Does a strong woman wallow in self pity sometimes? Does a great mother have moments when she'd give damn near anything for an hour of child-free bliss... peace and quiet. Does a grateful and spiritually strong person have days when reading or hearing other people constantly, consistently, and ONLY expressing gratitude and spiritual notions is actually infuriating.

I find myself wondering if some people really are truly able to stay in that place of loving gratitude and white light ALL THE TIME, or if its an act to manipulate public opinion of them. To maintain a pedestal or cultivate a guru image... I am tempted, myself, to do the same, and I wonder if perhaps these beings who appear on social media and in social gatherings to fart white light and radiate loving kindness 24/7 actually do experience the same moments of self doubt, frustration, anger at injustices in life and the larger world... do they just not express them? Is expressing our less than desirable traits and weak moments in time somehow failing? Does it make us less worthy of the admiration or appreciation of others?

I'm not sure how the rest of the world sees it, but I am realizing that the people I feel the most genuine respect for are the ones who don't have a polished image. Those who occasionally slip up with an expression of ignorance, or an insanely awkward statement. People who's actions and interests are seemingly in conflict at times. The ones who have an occasional angry rant where they acknowledge that we live in a world that is not only beautiful and full of abundance, but is also simultaneously full of selfish assholes, greedy douchebags, hypocrites, starvation, mayhem, political corruption, murder, and so very many reasons to despair. To watch people who come across my newsfeed with only puppies and unicorns, Gandhi quotes, beautiful images of home-cooked gourmet meals, and "Namaste"s is almost as depressing and soul crushing as watching those who only ever have something angry, morbid, or bitter to say. Why can't we be both our light and our dark? Why can't I have days, moments, sometimes even weeks where I am on top of the world, where it seems that there is magic around every corner and that blessings are abundant and that I can't help but let that spill out into my virtual avatar and onto your wall. On the flip side why can't I have days where I've heard one too many lies out of the mouths of old white men with blood stained hands to keep my fucks and shits to myself. Why can't I write a rant about how annoying it is to be told over and over by so many well-meaning but IMHO sorely misguided folks that voting is THE solution to the fucked up world we live in...

Can I love being with people but also tell you that my social awkwardness feels crippling sometimes? Can I go to a heart opening Kirtan ceremony one night to be filled with loving gratitude, and don a Guy Fawks mask at a rally the following night, filled with righteous indignation and anger at the intrusions and violence of the police state?  Can I be a feminist and still express that I think that many of the ideals and statements of the women on my feminist Facebook groups are incredibly misplaced, even though the rest of the ladies all seem to be in agreement. Can I believe in equal rights for women and still want a man to be the head of my household? Can I be strong and independent and still melt when men tell me I'm beautiful and bring me flowers? Can I be a yoga practitioner who is not currently keeping a regular Asana practice. A holistic lifestyle embracing, natural food eater who took a Tylenol last week and eats wheat bread and bacon, and who even (gasp) ate a hot dog and macaroni and cheese for dinner last night. Can I believe in freely giving love, in not owning our romantic partners, and still not want to share my lover with any other? Can I offer blessings with one breath and spout a "fuck that" in the next? Can I be a non-armpit-shaving hippie girl who likes blue eyeliner? A barefoot gardener who smiles at seeing red toenails against my compost stained toes. A homesteader who sometimes lets the veggies I busted my ass to grow, rot away on the counter because I can't find the motivation to make myself fire up the pressure-canner? Can I be an environmentalist who sometimes grabs a Poland Springs bottle at the gas station. Can I be a peace activist, humanist, and prefer-to-be-pacifist who loudly defends my right to keep my guns and would put a hole through someone who was threatening the lives of my family? Why do we have to fit ourselves into these neat and tidy stereotypes? Can't I be a walking, breathing, living, loving, fighting, lonely, self loving, securely insecure, beautiful contradiction. Can you be too? Can't we drop our images... our need to be only seen at our best?

Maybe it's the power of the full moon in Taurus bringing this rebellious inner child out in me, or maybe astrology is superstitious bullshit (I don't know if I'll ever make up my mind one way or another and I'm okay with that), but I am dropping my image polishing act. I invite you to do the same. The fart jokes and the uplifting quotes. The amazing homemade kale salads and the leftover Dunkin Donut's bagels. The good, the bad, and the ugly, I love you all the more for your realness my friends. Let it all hang out! Namaste and have an abso-fucking-lutely amazing day...