Sometimes I miss you...

There are only whispers and shadows for me
The way things are and the way things are
And with this I blow a kiss to disaster
Because I wish to perfect my heart...
I gotta check my mind...
Am I in tune with you?
Do we connect within the realm of the gods?
Electric word "life" that means forever
and thats a mighty long time when you've kissed divine
So divine...as with you
The Christ within will come in the clouds
Trusting "divinity is always with me"
Trusting "this is the here and now"
Mercy's right...I gotta check my love
and I'm trying to do as such
I don't let the demons get me down
it's just that sometimes I miss you so much...

I can envision all things to life
I can understand realistic ways
But I invent the next phase in forever
I like you, rewrite the next page
It's so pristine...it's so untouched
I'm an emmaculate sign of devotion
Still unseen...I'm thinking so what
Bless me cursed with colorful emotions
God said "I guess you don't know I'm you
because you know the entire 360"
A Christ that's me
A Christ that's you
Reguardless...constantly within me
I'm so not responsible for this
I'm just a man in love with so much
I know love...you'll always be with me
It's just sometimes I miss you so much

-P.M. Dawn
Currently listening:
Jesus Wept
By P.M. Dawn
Release date: 16 September, 1997

complications...

Current mood: depressed


complications of times long gone by..


Sometimes I sound off..
with such convictions
almost as a religious fundamentalist
as if I've got it broken down... and by the balls...
so to speak...
other times I fear
it is just pretend...
maybe I'm still 7 years old... like the first one I remember...
birth came and went... and again and again..
Time, like always: it passes,
questions still unanswered
life i fear escapes me
and I'm still standing here

and if I'm being honest...

I cannot shake your face
and the days long gone away
creeping into my nights
my day-mares...
like a twisted and crippled creature...
always lurking...
how fucked up does it make me..
that I'm still not over you..
that you are in my thoughts every day
that I love our child more
because he is a piece of you...
and how terrified does it leave me..
that I related so well..
to one so mad...
that I miss you still...

and you... and you..
we've been round in circles
many times before...
it'll never be what I'd dream
or you'd dream... but it haunts us just the same..
and again I watch your back grow smaller...
crying for surely not the last time...
and I know you'll call
and I know I'll write
maybe a visit now and then..
but life is here and we are there
and there'll never be another
meteor shower in JP again...

... tears still fall over what was raped from me..
torn from my womb as a sheet of scrap paper....
It'll never be the same... that moment in time I've lost..
shaking I lay on the cold hard table...
unable to feel... the scalpel or about the first cries of his life......
Shaking I lay....and thought only of me...
The boy they kept in a clear box.. taken from me...
hours passed...
as he waited...
shaking I lay...

and late at night when its quiet
and I play it over in my mind..
shaking I lie...
and still I cry...

I wrote a poem once upon a paper....
it read very clear..my fears of becoming my mother...
now it seems I may be on the threshold of that door...
do I really mind it all that much???
Now that I see so much we share...
Maybe what bothers me most is not what
room I am walking into.. so much as the one
I've left behind....

theres a place inside me thats grown
puts me behind my little ones needs..
but still I cannot slay this monster
that wants to hand him off.. put him down..
walk away... off to more unimportant things..
off to paint and knit my way
right into a neglected little boy
is this me... or am I far to harsh..
I know not my friends...

I only know how much I want to RUN... but I know not how.... I have no where to go... and I have yet to find out why....

I only know how quick I am to point fingers...
name names... to settle on my verdict...
I know the times that words as foul as vomit
have spilled forth from my own mouth...
I know the statements I've chased
as they flew from my tounge.. too late to catch them
too late...

must I always realize the time was now
just a minute too late..



Currently listening:
Happy Baby Series: Beatles for Babies
By Various Artists
Release date: 28 September, 1999

Big Brother... should be wearing cloth diapers!

Current mood: determined

So I don't know if its my over active imagination which loves to indulge conspiracy theorys... or if this is something anyone else notices.. but the "sponsors ads" which pop up on myspace on my homepage now seem incredibly tailored to what could be seen as my personal interests... spirituality, natural and hippie shit, and parenting stuff... It kinda makes me wanna uncheck all the checked facts on my profile... "proud parent, christian other... etc"... I'm finding it all a bit creepy... *sigh* but then again I guess its not all that far out that big bro could very well be watching us all....

speaking of hippie natural shit... my newest and greatest scheme ( because of course everyone knows that I've always got my latest and greatest idea which I become completely obsessed with.. until the next GREAT idea ;))... is *DRUM ROLL........................* DIAPERS!!!!!!! maybe this mom thing is starting to somehow seep into my brain but lately I have developed this facination with all things cloth diaper related... (If any of you doubt how deep this obsession has run... ask my family how much time I've spent on ebay and browsing the web the past week or two searching for diapers, wool soakers, knitting patterns, handsewn covers and so cute crochet wraps (with adorable witte bees buzzing around on the bum!!! lol) ANyways.. on to the relevant part before my boy wakes up and I am forced to cut this short by his pleas for a feeding and some cuddling (not that I mind!), My Idea: I want to make and sell diapers... many many different diapers... some from knitting.. some from organic and some from cheap yarn... some plain some in interesting and funky color schemes.. but mostly I want to scour thrift shops and garage sales (and yes even my own closet and attic) for lonely and abandoned sweaters, T shirts, and flannel shirts that are no longer living in happiness.... And breathe some new life into them.. give them a reason to live again... an adorable little baby butt and all its poopy and glory :) (translated for those of you without a flair for the dramatics: I want to recycle old clothes to make new diapers.) I was attempting to start a business revolving around all sorts of natural and organic baby and maternity products... but so far it has not shown much potential for profit... rather it is draining my funds rapidly... and time is of the essence this year.. I NEED to have a solid business up and running... or at least on the upswing by this time next year.... I NEED it... I cannot bear the thought of having to go back to slinging espresso or selling cell phones 40 to 48 hours a week and paying someone else a fortune to have the pleasure of raising MY beautiful baby... I want to be able to be around to see all of Lennon's growing up... and I really would love to homeschool him... I need to find the way I'm going to support my new family for our future.. and so I can stop mooching off my poor parents asap!! So... hopefully this diaper thing will be my ticket to freedom (or at least will keep me from slavery a bit longer...) and hopefully it is something that will still seem realistic and doable once the initial euphoria and opptimisim, that comes from my grand ideas, wears off.... time will tell. wish me luck.. and if any of you need some diapers... or if anyone wants to donate some wool sweaters or flannel shirts..... you know where to find me!!!! Read on for some VERY interesting diaper facts..


Why choose cloth diapers? There are so many reasons. Cloth diapers are soft against your baby's skin. Cloth diapers are also free of the many chemicals contained in disposable diapers. Our common sense tells us that cloth diapers are the ultimate in recycling because they are used again and again, not entering a landfill until they are nothing but rags. Of course, some people want more than this common sense approach--they want facts. Here are a few well-documented facts to help inform your choice.

Health

Disposable diapers contain traces of Dioxin, an extremely toxic by-product of the paper-bleaching process. It is a carcinogenic chemical, listed by the EPA as the most toxic of all cancer-linked chemicals. It is banned in most countries, but not the U.S..

Disposable diapers contain Tributyl-tin (TBT) - a toxic pollutant known to cause hormonal problems in humans and animals.

Disposable diapers contain sodium polyacrylate, a type of super absorbent polymer (SAP), which becomes a gel-like substance when wet. A similar substance had been used in super-absorbancy tampons until the early 1980s when it was revealed that the material increased the risk of toxic shock syndrome.

In May 2000, the Archives of Disease in Childhood published research showing that scrotal temperature is increased in boys wearing disposable diapers, and that prolonged use of disposable diapers will blunt or completely abolish the physiological testicular cooling mechanism important for normal spermatogenesis.

Environment

In 1988, over 18 billion diapers were sold and consumed in the United States that year.4 Based on our calculations (listed below under "Cost: National Costs"), we estimate that 27.4 billion disposable diapers are consumed every year in the U.S.

The instructions on a disposable diaper package advice that all fecal matter should be deposited in the toilet before discarding, yet less than one half of one percent of all waste from single-use diapers goes into the sewage system.

Over 92% of all single-use diapers end up in a landfill.

In 1988, nearly $300 million dollars were spent annually just to discard disposable diapers, whereas cotton diapers are reused 50 to 200 times before being turned into rags.

No one knows how long it takes for a disposable diaper to decompose, but it is estimated to be about 250-500 years, long after your children, grandchildren and great, great, great grandchildren will be gone.5

Disposable diapers are the third largest single consumer item in landfills, and represent about 4% of solid waste. In a house with a child in diapers, disposables make up 50% of household waste.5

Disposable diapers generate sixty times more solid waste and use twenty times more raw materials, like crude oil and wood pulp.3

The manufacture and use of disposable diapers amounts to 2.3 times more water wasted than cloth.3

Over 300 pounds of wood, 50 pounds of petroleum feedstocks and 20 pounds of chlorine are used to produce disposable diapers for one baby EACH YEAR.6

In 1991, an attempt towards recycling disposable diapers was made in the city of Seattle, involving 800 families, 30 day care centers, a hospital and a Seattle-based recycler for a period of one year. The conclusion made by Procter & Gamble was that recycling disposable diapers was not an economically feasible task on any scale.17

Dryness and Rash

The most common reason for diaper rash is excessive moisture against the skin.

Newborns should be changed every hour and older babies every 3-4 hours, no matter what kind of diaper they are wearing.

At least half of all babies will exhibit rash at least once during their diapering years.

Diaper rash was almost unheard of before the use of rubber or plastic pants in the 1940s.

There is no significant difference between cloth and disposables when it comes to diaper rash.

There are many reasons for rash, such as food allergies, yeast infections, skin sensitivity, chafing, and chemical irritation. Diaper rash can result from the introduction of new foods in older babies. Some foods raise the frequency of bowel movements which also can irritate. Changes in a breastfeeding mother's diet may alter the baby's stool, causing rash.

Cost

We estimate that each baby will need about 6,000 diapers during the first two years of life. The following estimates are based on prices in San Francisco, California.

Disposables. For these calculations, let's assume that a family needs about 60 diapers a week. In the San Francisco Bay area, disposable diapers cost roughly 23¢ per store-brand diaper and 28¢ for name-brand. This averages to 25.5¢ per diaper. Thus the average child will cost about $1,600 to diaper for two years in disposable diapers, or about $66 a month.

Diaper Services. Subscribing to a diaper services costs between $13 and $17 each week depending on how many diapers a family decides to order. Let's assume the family spends roughly $15 a week for 60 diapers a week. This equals $780 annually and averages to $65 a month. Over the course of two years, the family will spend about $1500 per baby, roughly the same cost as disposables, depending on what type of covers are purchased and what type of wipes are used. If one adds in the cost of disposable wipes for either diapering system, the costs increase.

Cloth Diapers. For cloth diapering, each family will probably need about 6 dozen diapers. The cost of cloth diapering can vary considerably, from as low as $300 for a basic set-up of prefolds and covers, to $1000 or more for organic cotton fitted diapers and wool covers. Despite this large price range, it should be possible to buy a generous mix of prefolds and diaper covers for about $300, most of which will probably last for two children. This means the cost of cloth diapering is about one tenth the cost of disposables, and you can spend even less by using found objects (old towels & T-shirts).

National Costs. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there were about 19 million children under four in 2000. We could probably assume that there are about 9.5 million children under two and therefore in diapers at any one time. Based on previous studies, we estimate that 5-10% of babies wear cloth diapers at least part time. We will average these figures to 7.5% of babies in cloth diapers and 92.5% in disposables. This means that about 8.8 million babies in the U.S. are using 27.4 billion disposable diapers every year13.

Based on these calculations, if we multiply the 8.8 million babies in disposable diapers by an average cost of $800 a year, we find that Americans spend about 7 billion dollars on disposable diapers every year. If every one of those families switched to home-laundered cloth prefold diapers, they would save more than $6 billion, enough to feed about 2.5 million American children for an entire year. Coincidentally, the 2002 U.S. Census reveals that 2.3 million children under 6 live in poverty.


CLOTH DIAPER MYTHS EXPOSED:


Myth #1 - Cloth Diapers Are Expensive…

It is estimated that using disposable diapers can cost you between two and three thousand dollars per child, from birth to potty training. That is an astounding amount of money to spend on what is essentially garbage. Cloth diapers, however, are much cheaper in the long run, even if the initial investment is more. Assuming that you will not be sewing your own diapers…it is entirely possible to cloth diaper a child for 3 years for $100-300 dollars. These diapers will likely last for one or more subsequent children as well. Do the math…the numbers don't lie.

Myth #2 - Cloth Diapers Smell…

Cloth diapers do not smell any more then a disposable diaper does. The smell that emanates from a cloth diaper thrown in a diaper pail can not be more offensive then a soiled disposable diaper thrown in a garbage can. Innovative new diaper pails and odor controlling accoutrements in a variety of sweet smelling fragrances have eliminated this problem entirely. Odors are also held at bay by using a dry pail method for storing soiled diapers, where diapers are not left to sit in stagnant and possibly malodorous water. With these new advances, there are no reasons why cloth diapers need to "smell".


Myth #3 - Cloth Diapers Are Hard to Care For…

Many cloth diapering parents have adopted a dry pail method of storage. This means that they simply remove a soiled diaper, dispose of any solid waste by dumping it in the toilet, and then toss the diaper in a diaper pail until laundry day. While some cloth diaper users may still rinse diapers in a toilet or sink before putting them in the pail or perhaps soak them in a wet pail before laundering, these methods are not necessary. A no rinse, dry pail method has been proven to be just as effective.

Using cloth diapers will usually only mean another 1-3 loads of laundry a week. This should not represent a significant difference in workload on laundry days. Putting cloth diapers outside on a line to dry will not only alleviate some of this work, but it will also help conserve energy and work to "sun" out any stains that washing did not get rid of. All things considered, it is no more difficult to clean cloth diapers then it is to clean any other clothing types.

Myth #4 - Cloth Diapers Are Not Sanitary…

Cloth diapers need to be clean, plain and simple. They do not need to be absolutely sterile. Most adults probably do not find it necessary to sterilize their underpants, so laundering cloth diapers should be sufficient to ensure that they are clean and ready for use. Diapers should be washed with hot water and then dried in a dryer or on the line outside. Both of these drying mechanisms, providing either heat from the dryer or heat from the sun, will actually help to sterilize the diapers and kill any lingering bacteria that may be present. They should sufficiently clean and acceptable to diaper your baby with.


Myth #5 - Washing Cloth Diapers Wastes Electricity and Water

This argument is truly baffling. Washing cloth diapers does require water and energy usage, yes. However, advancing technology in washing machines and dryers has helped tremendously to keep the energy and water usage to a minimum. Even if you are washing cloth diapers with the oldest and most archaic washing and drying machines, the water and energy output in washing a few loads of diapers a week is infinitesimal compared to the energy wasted on disposable diapers.

Just consider the energy and fossil fuels used to cut down and transport thousands of trees to make the paper pulp used in a disposable diaper, not to mention the devastation this causes to our national forests. Water and energy are then used to create this paper pulp and bleach it. Even more energy is used to make the outer plastic shells and then assemble the diaper. These diapers are then packaged in plastic wrappings and put in cardboard boxes, which also had to be specially made for transporting these diapers. It doesn't end there, however; these diapers are then transported from the factory all over the country and all over the world using trains, trucks, and cargo planes, so that they can be delivered to the stores that sell them to the public. No doubt, more energy is wasted by the consumer who must drive to and from these stores to make their purchase. To make matters worse, these consumers use up theses diapers and throw them away, essentially throwing their money in the garbage as well. The garbage must then be transported to a landfill using even more energy and fuel. This energy consumption is never ending. Cloth diaper users reduce, reuse, and recycle. Can any disposable diaper users claim that?

Myth #6 - Cloth Diapers Leak…

Cloth diapers today come in many different styles and are made with a wondrous array of fabric and absorbency levels. Even parents of children who are very heavy wetters are sure to find a diaper that works for them if they search hard enough. Parents must consider though that disposable diapers are made with chemicals that allow them to be super absorbent and act as a high-volume portable toilet. Yes, disposable diapers may hold in more urine but is that really a good thing? The holding capacity of disposable diapers seems to be breeding laziness and unrealistic expectations in many parents. We should not lulled into the thinking that a diaper should last through several urinations before it is changed, simply because it inconvenient to change diapers every 2-3 hours or less. When a diaper is soiled or wet it needs to be changed…end of story. If diapers are changed immediately after they become soiled or wet, then leaks are rarely a problem.


Currently watching:
Vanilla Sky
Release date: 21 May, 2002

Heartbreak...

Current mood: melancholy

I wonder if it ever gets any easier to watch someone you love very much crying as if their heart is breaking... and knowing that nothing you can say or do can change what is.... Reminds me of a saying I once heard.. something like "The only one who can make you better when you are crying is the one who made you cry to begin with"... I have known this person 25 years and have never seen him cry... I think tonight may have been one of the saddest moments of my life... I cannot say anymore at the moment... and you will never read this, but my heart goes out to you and I hope you will keep it somewhere in your mind tonight that time heals all wounds...

revelations and resolutions

Current mood: artistic

My revelations on life, on motherhood, on finally growing up, and my new years resolution:

My new years resolution I decided today is to stop shopping at the corporate retail wastelands of the world..... I been putting it off for a long time, thinkin I can't afford it.. I keep buying these crappy clothes that I don't really like but I settle for them cause they are inexpensive... yah know what, usually throughout my life I have ended up with at least twice as many clothing items as I truely need.. and I don't like most of them so I don't wear them, and if you tally up all the 10 to 20 dollar items i purchase from the walmarts and old navys of the world, i probably spend (at least) just as much or more as i would if i just purchased the handmade, ecofriendly, beautiful stuff that I REALLY LOVE! same with the baby clothes.. I do laundry just about every day as it is... so i'm thinkin wouldn't it make more sense to just buy the organic, hemp, beautiful handmade stuff that I'd much rather put on my angel's little sensitive body and have only 10 different outfits that I can was when need be than to buy 40 or 50 clearance rack items made by baby gap??? I'm trying to switch over to cloth diapers right now too.... I been talkin bout trying to make certain lifestyle changes for years and I feel like its time to just start takin the plunge in as many ways as I can....
I know some of my friends and family think I'm totally nucking futs for desiring a nutty crunchy lifestyle... but I have always thought nothing would be better than growing my own food and trade food with others who do the same.. all the while wearing clothes made by a human being who put time and love into it... washing with natural homemade soap.... walking where I need to or riding a bicycle... maybe taking a bus or driving my car VERY infrequently... I could keep going on and on with this daydream all the way to producing my own energy with waterwheels or windmills.... *sigh* maybe I shoulda been born amish... or maybe I should go find myself a hippie commune....lol... I know its been a long while since I wrote a blog.. but this mothering thing I'm doin is inspiring me in so many ways.... and making me grow up in many others... I'm starting to realize that life is gonna go whichever way its gonna go... in many ways its like being on a rollercoaster blindfolded... just because we can't see the track doesn't mean its not going where its supposed to go.. maybe I'll never live the dreams I've dared to dream.. maybe I won't get to raise my children while trotting the globe... maybe Lennon won't get to grow up living an unconventional life in africa traveling around helping provide humanitarian aid... learning the invaluable lessons of love, compassion, and even survival outside the comforts of microwave ovens... without a television or video game in sight.....maybe.. . maybe not...
I love my family and I know how much they love me and my son.... If my mother felt or feels even a tenth for me of the intensity of love that I feel for the little soul that I've ushered into the world than I can very much understand how scared and sad she must feel or have felt when I speak of leaving this ara.. this state or country... or when I hopped into a car with a boyfriend who was a few bolts short of a nut and headed for the pacific...
Being a mother has made me realize more than a few things... I may or may not spend the rest of my short little life in Connecticut... or the USA... but either way I will try my best to be happy and content with the cards I am dealt... If I do go elsewhere, wether it be massachusetts, northern california, south africa, or fiji, it will be with a purpose... not just to run away from this place or this person that I am.... I've finally discovered that will be exactly the same person wether I am here or 3000 miles from this place I've grown up in. Distance will not change me, my faults will still be there clear as day to everyone but myself if I choose to stay blind to that which keeps me down... Those horrors that keep arising in the situations I place myself in will continue no matter my location... You cannot run from yourself... Maybe its not connecticut I despise... maybe it is parts of myself and I only blame connecticut and its inhabitants for bringing them to the surface... People are people no matter where they live or what language they speak... greed, selfishness, hate, anger... these live all over the globe.. as do selflessness, joy, compassion, and love... no place is perfect just as no person is...maybe I need to change myself instead of my zipcode...
I would love to see the things I've only seen on the discovery channel and in national geographic.. I would love to live in an exotic location... learn many many languages and have the opportunity to love and care for many different people all over the earth... but I also would love to have a relationship with my family that some folks never have the opportunity to experience.. anyone can travel.. stick out their thumb and hop a train... everyone can live anywhere they choose.... not everyone gets a family full of beautiful people and the chance to have REAL relationships with those they share the same blood and have grown up with. Maybe the only travels I will do are the travels that one can only do within the heart and mind of another human being... my son... my mom and dad... my brothers or my sisters... and the friends I choose to surround myself with. Maybe its time to leave behind childish dreams and exchange them with the dreams of my child... dreams for my child... I can think of no better people to teach him the lessons of life and love than his grandparents and aunts and uncles... as for my desires to live a life au naturale.. maybe I'll have to content myself with living as true to myself and mothernature as I can be within the means I have.... maybe with each passing year I'll be able to come closer and closer to the simple life I want.... or maybe I'll only ever come as close as the burts bees soaps I currently use... the cloth sacks I bring to the grocery store.. the handmade clothes I'd like to buy... and the naturally inspiring toys and games, crafts and instruments I'll provide to my son.... Maybe instead of focusing my energy on trying to find my way out of this place I'll focus on FINDING MY WAY in this place... making the best life I can for my son.. If the opportunity arises someday and if there is a purpose for me to leave here.. I'm open to it... open to life..but I've come to realize that if it never does its okay. After all, we can only change the world one life at a time. My beautiful, innocent, perfectly uncorrupted unspoilt little son Lennon is my chance to change the world... and HE is all the world I need.


MORE FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
Did You Know?
• In New York City alone, one less grocery bag per person per year would reduce waste by 5 million lbs. and save $250,000 in disposal costs.

• Plastic bags carry 80% of the nation's groceries, up from 5% in 1982.

• When 1 ton of paper bags is reused or recycled, 3 cubic meters of landfill space is saved and 13 - 17 trees are spared!

• In 1997, 955,000 tons of paper bags were used in the United States.

• When 1 ton of plastic bags is reused or recycled, the energy equivalent of 11 barrels of oil are saved.

HE SMILED!!!!!

Current mood: loved

Lennon smiled at me this morning, I was stickin my tounge out at him cause he was stickin his out at me, and we were going back and forth and I was laughing and he smiled a little and so I smiled and laughed and he smiled more and then I stuck my tounge out and he gave me A FULL FLEDGED BIG TOOTHLESS SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its the little things that make life so amazing... for sure... :)

Currently listening: Love By The Beatles Release date: 21 November, 2006

Thoughts on motherhood....

Current mood: scared

Hello everyone...
Wow I haven't posted a blog in a long time.. (well at least for me! :))... Tommorrow is a week until my due date.. no baby yet! Its so wierd waiting.. I know its gonna happen.. I know I'm gonna be a mom at some point during the next 3 weeks at the longest... but somehow I still haven't even come close to wrapping my mind around that idea... It kinda freaks me out a bit to be honest... I love love love babies.. love kids.. always have.. and for the majority of my adult life I didn't think I was even able to have one of my own (long story...) so needless to say this pregnancy was a pretty huge shock... albiet an amazing shock... and quite possibly the miracle I needed in my life... shit I'm starting to ramble.. I have so much going on in my mind and so many emotions that its really hard not to ramble though.... I'm sitting on the threshold of what will most likely be the pivotal moment in my life... one of the most amazing, scary, and life altering events that can happen in a human life....I'm terrified..... nervous.. and yet incredibly excited and anxious to meet my son... this new little person that I'm about to bring forth into the world....one of my closest friends who just became a daddy not too long ago summed up all of what I'm getting at pretty freaking well in a conversation we had several months ago... he said something to the effect of "I get to show him how to be a human...as if I know!" I wonder if everyone feels like this when they are becoming a parent... I know I have many ideas on how I want to raise him...I have ideals and philosophies on life that I aim to teach... I have standards that I intend to hold myself to in terms of being a parent... I have spent years watching people with their children.. silently critiquing how others parent... what is good what is bad.. what do I agree with.. what do I think I'd do differntly.... and yet for all the self educating... philosophizing.. ideas and idealized situations.... for all the experience I have of caring for children that are not my own... I somehow still feel like I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing.. or what I'm in for... I know I'm not gonna ever intentionally hurt him... I know I'm going to give him everything I have.. everything I am capable of being... but I'm still afraid that it won't be enough... what if I fail at the biggest responsibiliy of my life... what if I fail my baby boy.. what if I am unable to ever give him the foundation I want to give him.. the teachings on which to build a good life... how can I give him the tools he needs to live when I'm not quite sure what those tools are myself....here I go.. round in circles again.. welcome to my mind for the past 9 months... I'm just a little nervous I guess.... in someways I'm glad I get to raise him on my own.. no compromising the ways I believe he should be raised... I get full say in every aspect of caring for the child I created... but on the other hand that means that I have no one to help me shoulder this responsibility... no second opinion.. no extra set of hands, eyes, and ears.... If I fail noone will pick up the slack for me... no one will catch the ball if I start to drop it.... that kinda sucks.... it's kinda wierd.. maybe its hormones or something... but I've been fine with doing the single mother thing for all this time... I've been feeling really confident that I can do this better on my own than I could have with my crazy ex in tow and while that is DEFIENTLY still true (the ex part..) I can't help but feel really sad these days that I will have no partner in this.. no one lieing in bed on the other side of this little baby... no third to cuddle with.. and what breaks my heart the most.....no one for my son to call daddy.... I wish I could have given him that.... I feel like maybe I'm already failing him........anyways... I guess this probably sounds depressed...depressing.. I don't mean it that way.. and I'm doing pretty well for the most part and most of the time... guess I'm just thinking on paper... I want to remember someday how I felt in these days before he arrives.... and I want to be real with how I feel.. good and bad.. whats the point of a blog if not to be a place to be real... with myself and whoever else reads this..... I need a tissue and food, so until next time..

Love this song....

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It could be raining there too

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It could be raining there too

And on my easel I drew
While I was thinking of you
And on the roof of my head
In came my five string serenade

His is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And while Im playing for you
It might be raining there too

And on my easel I drew
While I was thinking of you
And on the roof of my head
In came my five string serenade

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water weve played
And though Im playing for you
It might be raining there too
This is my five string serenade

Mazzy Star

Currently watching: I Am Sam Release date: 18 June, 2002

Gimme some TRUTH

Current mood: annoyed

Give Me Some Truth John Lennon I'm sick and tired of hearing things From uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocritics All I want is the truth Just gimme some truth I've had enough of reading things By neurotic, psychotic, pig-headed politicians All I want is the truth Just gimme some truth No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me With just a pocketful of hope Money for dope Money for rope No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me With just a pocketful of soap Money for dope Money for rope I'm sick to death of seeing things From tight-lipped, condescending, mama's little chauvinists All I want is the truth Just gimme some truth now I've had enough of watching scenes Of schizophrenic, ego-centric, paranoiac, prima-donnas All I want is the truth now Just gimme some truth No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me With just a pocketful of soap It's money for dope Money for rope Ah, I'm sick and tired of hearing things from uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocrites All I want is the truth now Just gimme some truth now I've had enough of reading things by neurotic, psychotic, pig-headed politicians All I want is the truth now Just gimme some truth now All I want is the truth now Just gimme some truth now All I want is the truth Just gimme some truth All I want is the truth Just gimme some truth Currently watching: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Release date: 26 April, 2005

random ramblings of my life today.... NO MORE WORK!!!!

Current mood:not sure...

Soo I worked my last day today... sort of unplanned.. I just had enough of the stress of keeping district managers off my ass. No matter what I was doing I was getting bitched at.. working 48 hours wasn't good enough... they'd bitch because i wouldn't work nights (fuck no I'm not driving home an hour on extremely unlit highways in a shit box car at 9'oclock at night at 8months pregnant).. didn't take breaks.. didn't schedule myself 6 days instead of 5... I'd go do an inventory at another store and I'd be there on my feet for 10 freaking hours working my butt off only taking a 15 minute break to eat a slice of pizza while all the other managers would do the "work for 30 minutes.. smoke cigarettes for 15.. chat for 15 minutes.. work for 30 minutes.. smoke... etc" routine all day long.. and when I'd leave an hour earlier than we were supposed to cause my backand feet couldn't take anymore I'd get bitched at and lumped in with the shmucks who'd show up for 3 hours and leave with some lame excuse... I was sick all weekend with a nasty cold and I had to deal with this jerk telling me that not going in to work shows bad character and that i "letting the team down"... FUCK OFF dude! In the scheme of things the "team" of corporate bungholes at this company (which is very rapidly going down the shitter as a whole) don't amount to a pisshole in the snow to my life.. expecially not compared to my unborn child and I am not endangering my (and in turn his) wellbeing by going and working a 10 hour day with a fever and a sinus headache and a nasty runny nose.... anyways.. I needed to vent about that... So after dealing with the daily dose of District Manger Bitchfest (weekly conference call), My daily spanking (lecture by my DM), a whiny call by a fellow manager (because even though I was told I had to be at his store for an inventory at 1:00, he decided to start counting early and was unhappy that I didn't read his mind, and get there in the morning), and the sweet (but VERY blonde) new girl asking me ONE too many questions that I've already answered ten times... I HAD ENOUGH. I called my Dr and told him I can't work anymore and I need a note excusing me... which he happily wrote (he's been trying to get me to cut back hours for a LONG time!)... only downside is that he said since I didn't pass out on the job or anything there is not much in the way of physical evidence to prove that I'm not capable of working should I want to collect on my disability insurance... Oh well... getting a little bit of pay every week would be nice.. but with or without it I'll find a way to manage.... I'll just sell everything I don't need if I have to... plus I got plenty of free time to paint now!!! ANYONE want to buy a PAINTING??? painted furniture???? ANYONE???? *crickets* lol :)

In other news, my ex is apparently even more insane than I had previously suspected.... he is writing letters to my mother now, pretending to be this guy I worked with a couple years ago (who incidently was old, fat, bald, and a total bullshitter... YEAH! cause thats my type and all!) that he thought I was cheating on him with and doing drugs with (amazing how he figured me out isn't it, lol.. WTF!).... so anyways.. he's writing letters pretending to be this guy telling my mother that I go and spend my whole days in a hotel room with him and that she should follow me sometime... Couple that with the recent blogs he has posted with some sort of conspiracy theorys about how the american government is following the same blueprint as the Nazi's... The fact that in his profile he says he is now an alien (jesus turned him into an alien apparently) and the comments he leaves himself as Yoda, and several other "alter egos" having some sort of imaginary conversations with himself that make no sense and yet he thinks that he is making some sort of important statement... He tried to convince me a few weeks ago in one of his blogs that half of the people on my friends list are the old bald guy that he thinks is stalking me.. he had befriended a couple of them too until he decided that they were "him" and after leaving them really strange comments stopped talking to them all... (Lucia I'll write you back soon.. sorry I haven't replied yet.. I've just been trying to figure out how to explain his bizzare behaviour to you... it doesn't even make sense to me and so its had to try and explain it to others..) anyways.... I'm wondering how much further he is gonna go before it becomes unmistakeably obvious to everyone that he has something seriously wrong with his mind...... it makes me so sad still but.. what can I do but take care of myself and my little one.....

Happy thoughts happy thoughts!! puppys... kittens... law and order marathons... not having to go to work anymore...... :) okay I feel happy now! :)

Have a lovely night all!

Can't take the slogans no more....

Current mood: optimistic

I so wanna quit my job.. and start painting.. writing.. drawing.. treking around the world... whatever I feel to do.. and so long as I can make enough to feed my son and eat and have a roof of some sort to sleep under.. I know I could be happy... I was pumping gas yesterday... and suddenly I was wisked away for a split second to the midwest.. .the open road.... the feeling of freedom that comes from having no destination in particular other than wherever your heart tells you to go.... every day I sit at my desk and fight myself.. fight the urge to get up and very calmly bid everyone a fond farewell.... go home and pull out my paints that I have hardly any time to express myself with lately...... anyways.. one of these days... mark my words :) with that said... sing it for me Bob! tell'm how I feel! :D hehe..i'm such a damn hippie ;)

Can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more.

Wipe out the paintings of slogans
all over the streets (ooh, ooh, ooh),
confusing the people
while your asphalt burns our tired feet.
I see borders and barriers,
segregation, demonstration and riots (ooh, ooh, ooh),
a-sufferation of the refugees,
oh-oh, when, when will we be free?

Oh-oh-oh, we can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
no more sweet talk from-a grimepit,
no more sweet talk from the hypocrites.

So we know we can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
can't take your slogans no more,
no more sweet talk from-a pulpit,
no more sweet talk from the pulpit.

No more sweet talk from-a grimepit,
no more sweet talk from the hypocrites (oh, no hypocrites!),
no more sweet talk from-a grimepit (wo-ah yeah),
no more sweet talk (no-no-no-no sweet talk) from the hypocrites (hey!),
no more sweet talk from-a grimepit,
no more sweet talk (no-no-no-no sweet talk) from the hypocrites (no-no-no-no hey!).

B.Marley

paintings for my son...

Current mood: artistic

Helloooo, I wanted to share some paintings I've been working on for my son, I'm hanging them over his cradle and they are based on the animals in the quilt I got for his cradle... Theres still two more I'm gonna do... I'm thinking of starting to try to sell my paintings... I went out and bought almost 200$ worth of unfinished wooden furniture and boxes to paint.. to try and start up a sort of business selling them... I'll post some pictures of those on here too as they are finished.. I also was looking at those plaster belly cast kits today too.. think I'm gonna order one, and do a painting on it too! :) I think right now I'm gonna go paint a picture for myself.. I've had this image in my head now for two days.. and if I don't get it out of there soon its gonna be lost in the spaces of my mind forever..... anywho... what'd yall think?? :)

Currently watching: The Matrix Release date: 21 September, 1999

PLEASE READ: a request...

Current mood: worried

On behalf of my unborn child I am putting out a request to all of you my friends... My ex is completely fucking nuts... some of the shit he's been posting on his myspace is getting pretty fucking scary to me.... This man is extremely unstable and abusive... I believe he has some form of schizophrenia or some other paranoid personality disorder.... the point is, I am TERRIFIED that when my son is born he will try to get visitation, custody, or come around.. For my baby's protection I'm trying to get the protective orders I already have bumped up to full protection so that he can't try to contact me in any way, or come within like 1000 feet or something.... What does this have to do with any of you??? Well, he has sent messages and contacted several of my friends that I know of.. and while I'm not sure he would have contacted anyone else, I wouldn't put anything past him at this point... so: If any of you have gotten ranting, raving, crazy messages from him, would you please forward them on to me... it would be a great help to me if I need more to help me prove to the police and courts how much he has completely lost it.... Anyways... sorry about the drama, if he hasn't contacted you no worries, if he has, please let me know, and if he ever does in the future please let me know right away... Thank you all!!!

Currently reading: Natural Baby and Childcare: Practical Medical Advice and Holistic Wisdom for Raising Healthy Children By Lauren Feder Release date: 17 March, 2006

unseen...

Current mood: sleepy

"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there."

Currently listening: Live at the Door By Nichole Nordeman Release date: 20 May, 2003

The Devil and Mrs. Bush...

Current mood: amused

I posted this in a bulletin... and then I was still needing to announce this to more people so.....

I just have to say... The president of Venezuela Fucking rules! I might move there if shit keeps goin like it is... I hear gas is like 45 cents a gallon or something equally as lovely... Why can't we have politicians with some fucking balls like that in this country... buncha fucking lemmings is what we've got.. anyways... just my thoughts for the day.

:) God Bless... the whole world ;)

p.s. if you have no idea what I'm talking about.. check your local news.. or go browse yahoo news... or wait to read about it in the newspaper 1st thing in the A.M.

Currently reading: Sign Language for Babies and Toddlers By Christopher Brown Release date: 09 September, 2005

Perspectives....

Current mood: sad

My great aunt passed away over the weekend :( I have to go to her funeral in a few hours.. I hate funerals.. but I really feel like I should go... it made me really sad to learn that she was so excited about going to my surprise baby shower.. and when she first went to the hospital on thursday the first thing she said to my grandma and her other sister was a very glum and disappointed "I guess I can't go now..."..... My aunt terry was a really cool lady... short fiesty and firey... I remember when I was little I used to measure how quick I was growing by her... I would go up and stand next to her and say "only 2 more inches aunt Terry" and she'd say "Still not there yet Shorty"... The summer I finally overshadowed her (only by a half an inch!) I started calling her shorty... always did from then on..... :( She was one of my favorite relatives.. probably my favorite outside of my grandparents and my slightly crazy (but only cause he's a stubborn aquarius!) great uncle in California (who incidently is here for the week.. guess thats the one good part about funerals.....:( ) I didn't get to see her very often.. but I know my aunt will be missed.. by me and many, many others.....

On that note.... life is too short my friends... tell someone you love how much they mean to you... you never know what the next moment holds.... Be well everyone...

Perspectives

It feels like your life's crashing down all around you
Let me ask if it's really so bad
Look at the world in it's suffering
Can you honestly tell me that no one else could understand
All the hurting inside

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

A young child looks through a great stained glass window
Watching the people go by
Everyone seems to be wearing a red coat
His mother sees jackets in white
Now he can't understand why does she see it this way

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

Yesterday, you really couldn't see
By changing your angle a new world would be
Revealed to your once blinded eyes by moving a few degrees

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

-Jon Micah Sumrall

Currently listening: Sea of Faces By Kutless Release date: 24 February, 2004

I have the greatest...

Current mood: loved

....family! :)))) My mom and Sarah and Addi and my Nana threw me a surprise shower yesterday! Awesome! :) There were so many people there, it was pretty freaking overwhelming (in a good way) I think I almost cried at least 4 or 5 times at just the thought of there being all these people who care and are rooting for me and Lennon! I think we have just about everything we need now too... I am so in awe of the kindness of the few who put this together, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! Anyways.. I'm about to head off to bed, but I just wanted to thank you guys for everything you've done to help me during this time in my life... especially for just being there and loving me... Don't know where I'd be without you guys (Mom and Sarah and Addi)... I Love You all and G'night!

Currently reading: Diaper Free! The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene By Ingrid Bauer Release date: 01 April, 2001

Pirates, Paintings, Lead pipes, and Poison

Current mood: content

Just wanted to let everyone know... I saw a pirate today.. He was in walmart parking lot... and he had a patch and a sword and all... so all of you please be careful and be on the lookout... there be pirates in these here waters... "YAAAARRRghhhhh MATEY" :) Thats pretty much all I have to say.. I had a good and productive day off today.. my lil sister helped me run some errands.. spent lots of my money, but it was on some of the essentials for baby.. Got myself a sweet ass Rocking chair :))))) I LOVE LOVE LOVE rocking chairs and I finally had a good reason to get one!... Got some curtain rods so I could finally hang my curtains I made a few years ago that are the coolest freaking curtains you will ever see... AND, I bought my first package of diapers... I was really wanting to use cloth diapers but I don't know how thats gonna work.. I'm still gonna try, but I bought some biodegradable, natural fiber, latex and clorine free disposable ones.. just in case rinsing poopy diapers becomes just tooo unappealing ;)

So anyways, mine and Lennon's room is almost finished.. few more random things to get, couple more homey touches and we will be in like flynn. I painted him some reall cute jungle animal paintings the other night to go with the cradle quilt I bought...Gotta hang those up this weekend. I went to visit the hospital last night for a tour of the maternity wing... BLAH! I freaking hate hospitals.... And while I am looking forward to meeting my son, I am dreading having to give birth in a hospital.. I'm gonna be such a thorn in their sides, I can see it already.. I'm not gonna cooperate with anything that they do as standard procedures from the moniters they use to the tools they want to use, the drugs they want to give, to the injections they're gonna want to give him and the goo they're gonna want to put in his eyes.. no way no how!! Not gonna happen! I'll be damned if they're gonna shoot my newborn son up with all sorts of chemicals and crap! Or give me narcotics so they can get passed on into him and he can come out all drowsy and drugged up! I've read WAYYYYY too many things about vaccines and all of the "standard medical procedures" that have caused serious harm and even death to way to many people.. I think I'll try and deal with the pain thank you very much! And I think I'll take my chances with vitamin K deficiencys hepatitis and german measles rather than have my hours old son get injected with shit that had the same stuff in it that embalming fluid is made from! DOn't get me wrong.. I know the Drs mean well and its what they're trained to do... but I think I recall reading also that the fall of the Roman empire (which was the greatest human force to reckon with on earth at one point) was due to such a simple thing as the water system being built with LEAD pipes... Roman engineers, though they had the best of intentions, poisoned an entire population of people simply because they did something they thought would be fine...without knowing the possible long term damage it could do...In my opinion.. based on all the information I've informally studied and self taugh myself.. I think a good portion of western medicine is heading in the same direction.. from vaccines to prescription drugs.. its all the same poison in my book. AAAAaaaaaaaaaannyways :) Sorry for the rant, I tend to ramble about things I feel passionately about.. Point is: That hospital does not know what kind of a hard time they are in for the day I walk through they're door ;))) and on that note.. I think I'm gonna go put my footsies up and read a bit.. Tah Tah and Good night... and don't forget to be on the lookout for pirates...

"yaaarrrrggghh"

Parenting and authority

Current mood: working


This is an article I found browsing around the net.. I thought it was AMAZING to say the least... This person so eloquently speaks all the ways I think... so I'm reposting it. Even if you read it and don't agree with it, it still makes for some good reading... and if you don't agree please let me know.. I'm curious to hear some good arguements from the opposing views.. READ ON :)

How Should I Parent - According to the Experts?




According to those who study human behavior, there IS a "best" parenting style. It's called the authoritative parenting style. Researchers like Diana Baumrind and others have roughly outlined four basic parenting styles. These styles are based upon two indicators: parental warmth and parental control (or now called parental responsiveness and parental demandingness). The parenting styles are based upon how much of each indicator the parent displays in his or her interactions with the children. In our discussion of these styles, we will look at them from most controlling to least controlling.

Authoritarian - these parents have a high level of control, but a low level of responsiveness. They expect obedience from their children without question. They have a high level of structure and clearly stated rules, and often use punishment as a deterrent to disoedience. They are also characterized by the high level of psychological control they exert over their children. Children of authoritarian parents tend to do moderately well in school and do not engage in problem behaviors, but they have lower self-esteem, poorer social skills and more depression. A higher percentage of obese children come from authoritarian families.

Authoritative - these parents have both a high level of control and a high level of responsiveness, but their discipline is non-punitive. They clearly let their children know what their standards are, but these parents are able to balance their conformity demands with respect for their children's individuality. Children of authoritarian parents are the most socially and instrumentally competent, and exhibit the lowest levels of problem behaviors. This is the parenting style that researchers SAY is the best.

Indulgent - these parents are more responsive than they are demanding. They are more non-traditional than the other styles, allow the child more self-regulation, and do not require mature behavior. Another term for this style is democratic.

Uninvolved - these parents are low in responsiveness and demandingness. While most researchers point out that this category includes those who are rejecting or neglectful, for the most part even these parents fall within what is considered normal parenting behavior.


Now, here's the reason I've been discussing these parenting styles - NOT so you will run out and all become authoritative parents. One commentator states that "children from authoritative homes appear to be able to balance the claims of external conformity and achievement demands with their need for individuation and autonomy" (1). There is the kicker: conformity.

Who decided just what we are supposed to conform to? Who decided just what behavior is "best" for our children, and for us as individuals? Our society "demands" a certain kind of behavior from us. The point is, we DON'T have to adhere to these demands.

I have specifically raised my children so that they know they do not have to adhere to anyone else's demands (except in cases where breaking the law might get them thrown in jail). I do not require them to adhere to "external conformity and achievement demands". You see, these researchers, they assume that we all agree about what is "socially acceptable" or necessary, so when they evaluate the children reared with these different parenting styles, they may say that some of them did not turn out to be "socially competent". Well, maybe that's because not all of us parents agree that being socially competent, by their definition, is what we want for our children.

While I'd like my children to be polite, kind and compassionate to other human beings, I do not want them to feel that just because some supposed authority figure tells them to do something that it is necessarily the right thing to do.

I do not believe in AUTHORITY. I believe in people being equals, not one person being in control of everyone else.

Now people will say, "But in society there will always be someone in authority over us. Shouldn't our children learn this from the start? God, government officials, law enforcement, doctors, teachers, parents - don't all these people have authority over us?"

The answer is, no, they shouldn't, and if they do, it's because we have allowed them to have an authority over us that is inappropriate. Let's explore the false authority that has been given to these individuals.

GOD - This one depends upon your theology. Most people believe God to be a supreme, perfect being who has the right to tell us what to do because he is higher and greater than us. However, these viewpoints were formed by MEN down through the ages and codified into written documents like the Bible, Koran and others. God has never communicated this to us directly, humans have formed this opinion based upon their experiences and assumed this was what God intended for all people. This is not true. God created us from the same stuff he is made from. God is made from electromagnetic energy and so are we. We are part of him because we are made from him and have the same power as him only we don't know how to use it yet. Jesus came to show us how to use that power, and how to live as equals, but that message is no more popular then than it is today. People seem to crave someone else to tell them what to do so they don't have to take responsibility for it themselves. People don't want a truly equal society.

Government officials - our government is supposed to be "by the people" meaning that we govern ourselves by electing officials that will govern the way we want them to. But it doesn't work that way. Those who are supposed to represent us don't see themselves as our servants, but as our masters. They see themselves as the ones "in charge" of our country.

Law enforcement - there only need to be 2 laws. Don't physically harm another person, or their property. That's it. But in true human fashion, we have taken these two simple laws and multiplied them into thousands. In our society, our leaders see it as their purpose to keep everybody from committing wrongs, when their actual purpose should be simply to teach and rehabilitate people after they have done them. Instead of just holding somebody accountable when they get in a car accident, they make all these other rules, like you must wear a seat belt and you must not drive over the speed limit and you must have a drivers license, and you must blah blah blah.....We don't need all that. When somebody else places externally-imposed standards on you, you then don't feel it necessary to monitor your own behavior from within, because somebody has already made your decisions for you. The more laws are placed upon us, the more lawless our society will become.

Doctors - their favorite saying is "follow doctor's orders" as if they are in command over us and we must obey. Doctors in this country for the most part follow one particular theory or model of healing. If you are going to be treated by a doctor in this country you are going to be subjected to a particular viewpoint about how disease and healing occur. The trouble is, you might disagree with that model and not want to be treated according to its rules. Most doctors in this country have only been trained in one model and know very little about other ways of healing. Once again, a decision has been made by those in "authority" that this one model of healing is the best and the others shouldn't be used. Well, that is for the individual patient to decide. No one is going to decide for me what kind of treatment I am allowed to have. I will go to the doctor to get his advice but I will also consult the chiropractor, nutritionist, herbalist, midwife, acupuncturist, naturopath, homeopath, and many others, and then most importantly, I will consult my own innner wisdom and intuition. That is what will tell me the right thing to do.

Teachers - well, before you can accept that a teacher is necessary, you must concede that there is something you cannot teach yourself, or you must believe that what the teacher has to impart to you is true and accurate. I concede neither of those. In a classroom, a teacher teaches what he or she has been told to teach by those in charge of the system, in most cases, our government. In public schools, children learn what the government thinks is important. In a private school, children learn what those who own the school think is important. In a parochial school, children learn what the leaders of that religion believe is important. Everywhere, in every school, the school itself is organized around a group of core ideas that the leaders believe are important for everyone to know.

Well, how about each person deciding for himself or herself what is important? What is important to you may not be important to me. Schools are designed to control students while they learn to socially conform to what others want. Even the knowledge that is deemed important is censored so that only part of what there is to know is ever taught.

No, teachers are not necessary or desirable. A person can teach themselves anything they want to know, because they themselves have deemed it important, not because they are forced to by someone else.

Parents - is the purpose of parents to control children? Some would say so. No, the purpose of parents to lovingly care for children's physical and emotional needs while they grow and develop into whoever they decide to become. It is NOT a parent's job to mold their child into something, or to make them accept some ideas and reject others. You may WANT to....you may wish your child would adopt your ideas or ways of doing things, but that is not fair to the child. Each person should be allowed to decide for themselves what is important to them and how they will live. But parents for the most part don't allow their children this freedom. They want their children to adopt their religion, cultural practices, political views......but why? Because they believe their way is right. It is the height of human arrogance to think our way is better than anybody elses. One person decides to accept certain values and live a certain way based upon a myriad of different factors, most of which have nothing to do with right and wrong, and everything to do with social conformity and pressure.

In essence, the only reason that the authoritative parenting style is accepted as the best is because it produces children which socially conform the way most of society wants them to. But that does not mean YOU have to accept the norms of society.

I do not place external conformity and achievement demands upon my children. I want them to achieve what they have decided is important to them, not what somebody else in society decides is important. I model for my children on a daily basis behavior that is polite, loving, kind and fair. They model this because they see it demonstrated. All other behaviors are optional, they decide for themselves. They go to bed when they want, eat what they want, wear their hair and clothes the way they want, see the movies they want, study what they want, wash dishes and take out the trash when it is necessary, not because it's a rule, and are allowed to fully unfold and develop into the people they choose to be. We all, as human beings, have that right and obligation.

According to the researchers, children of authoritative parents display fewer "problem behaviors." What are those? Being disobedient, skipping school, staying out late, drinking or smoking, being disrespectful, etc. One reason I don't have a problem with my kids is because I do not consider these to BE problem behaviors. I don't expect obedience from my children, but I expect respect because I show respect to them. People used to ask, don't you expect them to do what you tell them to do? No, but as kind and decent individuals, they often do what I ASK them to do. My husband used to want to assign chores to the kids and give them punishment or withdraw privileges if they didn't do them. I told him it wasn't necessary. When I need help, I just ask them and they usually give it, unless they have a good reason not to. And if they have a good reason not to, that is good enough for me. I treat them just as I would want to be treated. That is why they show me respect.

Skipping school - it's like a prison, not a place for learning. I'm happy they are skipping it, and educating themselves instead. When you try to force people to learn, it doesn't work.

Staying out late - my kids know they are free to stay out and go wherever they want, but somehow they never stay out later than the latest movie or restaurant is open, and they usually call and let me know where they are. They have cell phones so I can call them whenever I need to.

Everyone always says, if we don't force kids to go to school they won't voluntarily learn anything, and if we don't give them rules they won't do the right thing.....well, mine DO, and so do lots of others. If we give them mutual respect and model good things, they will pick up on it. It's no wonder they rebel against parents who expect them to adhere to a lot of unnecessary rules and don't trust them to do what's right. If you know someone disrespects you on a basic level, why would you want to follow what they say?

People say kids don't know how to make good decisions, that they don't know what is dangerous and what isn't....I think kids very definately can make good decisions. Jean Liedoff's research which lead to her book "The Continuum Concept" showed that our expectations of children influence their abilities. As she lived in the village, and watched the native mothers care for their children, it became evident that the native mothers knew more about their children than we do about ours. The mothers would sit around and chat, and let their babies crawl here and there. There was a huge pit or hole in the ground near where the babies were crawling, but the mothers never showed any concern. The babies would crawl up to the hole, sit on the edge, dangle their feet over, and crawl away, all without any concern from the mothers. Liedoff said that in all the time she was there, no baby ever fell in the hole. They were aware of it, and so were the mothers, but no attempt to restrain their freedom was made, and no accidents occurred.

So, love your kids, be a good model for them, trust them, but don't force them to accept your ideas or anybody elses. Let them become who they want to be, without coersion.


A BIG HUGE AMEN!!!!!!! :)

Blah

Current mood: crappy

Ever have those moments when you feel so helpless and frustrated that all you can do is cry............ the day to day grind coupled with the insanity I still watching from afar.. coupled with physically feeling more and more out of shape....I think my muscles are starting to atrophy cause I couldn't even lift a 50 pound box today with feeling like I was trying to climb mount everest..... I hate this... I am such a self sufficient person... I HATE having to ask other people to help me do ANYTHING... Its so hard to watch your independence becoming a little harder to hold onto with every passing day.... I know its just stupid little things.. but I sometimes I can't wait to have back my ability to physically move around, bend, twist, flex, stretch, lift.. etc whenever and wherever I feel like it... I can't imagine ever becoming severly physically handicapped.. this frumpy, clumsy, akwardly shaped body has only been mine temporarily and its already taking its toll on my emotional wellbeing... or maybe thats the hormones talking.. I don't know...

I went to the doctor today.. he's concerned cause he says I'm working too much... on my feet too many hours and the way my feet and hands, etc are swelling is something that usually happens before you develop preeclampsia in pregnancy.. which apparently can be really serious... So now he's telling me he might ask me to stop working soon, not to mention I'm already missing time to go to the Dr's every week cause he wants to keep a close eye on my blood pressure.... Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed that I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep... working to much is bad for my health which is bad for my baby, but if I don't work I will have no money to take care of my baby....Working so much leaves little time for preparing healthy food..but not working leaves no money for healthy food (or any food for that matter if I wasn't mooching off my folks...) I feel like I'm caught in a catch 22 or something.... There's still so much to do before he's born, and it all needs money and time to get done.. unfortunatly I'm constantly trying to juggle the two.. and so far its been very difficult... and now with every passing day I'm finding all the regualr day to day activities getting harder and harder... I don't know how I'm even gonna put my own shoes on in another week or two... nevermind finish putting together a room for myself and my baby.......I should just stop whining now I guess... sorry for the sob story all.. just having a tough time at the moment...

Stolen from Amy's blog.. but only cause its so freakin true!

Current mood: nostalgic

Hello my friends!
My friend Amy posted this in her blog and it struck such a chord in me that I had to repost it... Not sure where it originated but the messenger is never as important as the message anyways.... so, for you my friends....read on....

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their email. Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it,you will know
the reason it was sent to you.

Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learnedto use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.